While Ryan was away at treatment, I used the time to clean and organize his room. I was preparing for the return of my poster child. The cleanliness was a visual. A statement from me that all the bad had been removed. As if cleaning walls and new linens could ever hide the victim he was and the monster he had become. As if the sparkling mirror wasn’t going to still show the truth…because the room was new but we were not.
What appears to be the truth is not always the truth. We see what we want to, whether we are awake or sleeping. When I look in the mirror, I see what I have always seen…until I put my glasses on. The same thing happens when we look at others, especially when we are emotionally tied to them or have an agenda. The truth is so real that we have to interpret it and then justify it in order to not suffer the consequences of it. We can run and hide…but it will find us…eventually.
In the past couple of weeks, I have had the opportunity to speak to some people that I refer to as being a part of the group of “Judgers”. These were the kinder ones as opposed to the “Know It All’s”. They have stood on one side…quietly judging. They lived in glass houses while throwing pebbles. While they still haven’t walked the road of addiction with any of their children, they have been placed in the position of fighting for a loved one. When adversity showed up, they looked around and realized they were alone except for the truth. Different story than mine but same lesson.
I know a parent who “relishes” in the fact that his kids are “good” kids. Not being involved with drugs is apparently the defining line for good versus evil or so he has implied to me. My child and I are the failures. I can still see his smile. Ironically I know that one of his kids did in fact get involved with drugs for some time. That child compromised other people during that period as addicts are known to do. This parent was given the facts, also known as the truth, but claimed that the informant was lying. This parent saw what he wanted to see. He can run but…
Another parent I know believes that he has led his children well. He did show up at all those events but he also spent many, many years being unfaithful. He told me, “I can’t help it if she likes me”. His choices took him away from his children as well as his wife. It affected his job because instead of bringing his best to the company, he was busy “being elsewhere” day after day. Even when his child was hurt in an accident and he couldn’t be reached, he continued to see what fit his agenda.
“Don’t lie to me even though I lie to you. Be honorable in life even though I haven’t been. Don’t listen to the snake and bite from the apple even though I have. Always turn to me even though I turned away from you. Be accountable even though I have not been. Do as I say not as I do.”.
Both of these parents completely interpreted the truth and justified it to fit their agendas. They have impossible standards. One is for themselves and the other is for everyone else. Their appearance is “good” but peel back the layers and you will see the real truth. It is never easy to realize the long term effects that our behaviors have on others. Especially our children.
If we lead by blurring the truth in small and major ways, then we cant be surprised when kids do the same thing. On a daily basis there is a host of excuses in our lives. We blame the horrible traffic for our being late even though it was our time management. We speed but then yell at police officers for giving us tickets. We even get out of those tickets because of our job or family member. We buy or get things “under the table” at a price that no one else can even though we know its wrong. We tell our kids to always tell the truth but then they hear us lying to our spouses, our bosses, our friends, and even them.
Although my ex-husband used drugs around our children, his sporadic visits, allowed him to blame me for their traumas. For my son’s drug use. He failed to see his role as a parent, as a person and as a husband. He did not see that his absence was as damaging as the visits that included those traumas. His green truth was that his behaviors, actions and choices did NOT affect our children but mine did.
For many years my green truth was that he was to blame for the fall of Ryan. He was in front of me. He behaved in obviously damaging ways. I could even use those actions as the reason for our divorce. He was my scapegoat so that I did not have to look at myself. I was the victim and he was the monster. Who wouldn’t believe that? Addiction makes non-addicts look good unless you peel the layers back to see the real truth.
I don’t know a single person who is able to or consistently admits his or her role in anything. I know a lot, and I do mean a lot, of people who interpret, justify and blame. The ability to tell the truth and be accountable is NOT tied to gender, race, education, religion, money, position, status, etc. or lack there of. You are not good or bad because of those either. If so many people have and are actually doing their jobs, how is it possible that we are here now? How did we create so many people who have had happy lives and then decided to ‘blow it up”? Oh mirror mirror just tell the real truth.
We can no longer afford to see what we see. By behaving today, as we did yesterday and as we will tomorrow, we are ensuring that the level of victims rises and ultimately the level of monsters. The green truth isn’t just naïve. It is a convenient excuse to justify innocence. It allows us to hold others accountable but not ourselves. It allows us to be hypocrites. It is the definition of insanity.
Once upon a dream, I dreamed of my son growing up and living a good life. Then monsters crept in and his soul was sold. The poster child really was THE poster child. The snake spoke and the apple was eaten. The dream became a nightmare. Judgement showed up to judge us for our sins. Tricks were not just for drugs. Hell became home. The truth was many shades of green. I looked in the mirror and saw a monster looking back. My son would be returning soon. We didn’t have to change because drugs were dead…
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