The easiest way to connect with someone or something is to have been through, believe in or felt similar things. Through the bond of being perceived of, each of us then becomes a part of the groups that speak the loudest on the outside of us; as a reflection of what needs to be dealt with on the inside. Hurt or pain, also expressed through fear and anger, is the strongest incentive we have to find those people, places or things that make us feel as if we belong; even if it is detrimental to our wellbeing. During the first few years of Ryan’s addiction, I was focused on the prevention of his using substances; a green truth. Over the years, that need of mine eventually evolved into the understanding that there was more going on than what was easily seen on the outside; the drug abuse. What does addiction express for you; whether an addict or not? What if in a moment like this your substance of choice was no longer attainable; anywhere at any time? Would you now be healed or would you just change to a different substance? What would the mirror show you? Addiction has often been viewed as a failing of an individual; or even only some individuals. That perspective over the years has lead to the justification of judgement of the whole person; even though it is has never been that simple. Happy people do not alter their state of being, through addiction or the BLAH, but unhappy people do every single day; sometimes in secret and at other times publicly. The real truth is that what is on the inside of us will be expressed on the outside of us; for every single one of us. Addicts are just like non-addicts because substance abuse is another form of conveyance of all that has been; and that part can never equal the whole story. Addiction is a circle of heavell; just as we are. What came first: the pain or the substance abuse? Please hold on because addiction does not need to be the end of the trail; even if you are scared, there is always a way to step forward in heavell.
In these days since Ryan has passed, I have found myself trying to figure out who I am now; just as an addict has to discover who he or she is without a substance. I will always be the mother of a son who was my friend; as well as my teacher. I will also always be the parent of an addict even though he now exists in the yesterdays; because every dream matters whether here or not. One of the things that I have noticed about myself is that I do not want to feel this pain; to go through all that has been while also realizing that there will be no new moments with him. Through this trauma, I have found another understanding of Ryan’s desperate need of substances in order to avoid his pain; I really am just like him even if I avoid my feelings through other means. I am also scared to leave my yesterdays and I know, during his addiction, that he was afraid to leave his as well; comfortable with the known rather than the yet to be seen and felt. Moving forward on the trail in heavell means learning how to cope well through the hell. It does not, however, mean leaving behind any person, place, thing or the BLAH that has been a part of us; because they will always just be in the formation of how we came to be. Just like love, pain never actually ends but is transformed into something else that can be used in the tomorrows; either to lift us up or to destroy us. What came first: not coping well in life or not coping well through the use of substances? Hell will always stay close if we fail to see, feel, accept and change the impact of the moments; the time that it takes belongs solely to the individual. Envision your life without whatever or whomever is important to you; even if it is substances. How do you feel? What would you do in order to have or to not lose what you need or want? Can you imagine how I feel about the loss of Ryan? It really doesn’t matter what subject we are talking about, a person, a place, a thing or the BLAH, because the value of any one those is found only in the heart of the beholder; but some level of understanding can still be found by all of us. I find memories of Ryan, and the triggers of them, in almost every moment of the day. Like an addict, I am at risk for returning to being my former self; as an illusion of perfection that did not cope well. If I feed the hell, by not acknowledging and dealing with my pain, I will fail to move forward on the trail; languishing in my suffering. Within me, though, are other parts that can eventually lift up that which feels destroyed; as they can for each of us. This indeed “fucking sucks” but beauty, along with a different kind of hope, is waiting in the shadows for me; I just need to take hold of the hands of courage and fear and step forward. I am, however, going to have to lay in this place until I can eventually get up; today is not the day and tomorrow doesn’t feel like it will be the right one either. Only I can go through this because I am the one feeling it; as the weight of the world in my heart. What if in a moment like this, you found a different perception of addiction by breathing in more than what you think you know; whether an addict or not?
To All: I have a simple line that I like to say. “This is why I need to drink and this is why I don’t drink” It is a refernce to how difficult life can be but especially those “f” moments; driving even sometime warriors to want to drink in order to cope. It is also a statement that nothing will change, go away or get better by altering one’s state of being; hell knows where you live. Ask yourself why you cope the way you do. Now ask yourself why you shouldn’t cope that way. What came first: the green truth or the real truth? It matters what you do with the knowledge of all of you; because you are the heavell keeper of your life.
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