This is a place that I have never been to before and while it can be said that the yesterdays have lead me here, it is still not a moment that I had perceived of happening so soon on my trail in heavell. Our ability to cope well through that which all but destroys us relies upon our experiences to help us when we are on the ground; or even walking in circles. I have been the mother of an addict for years; comfortable in that hell while seeking the heaven. What I have never been, though, is the mother of a dream that is no longer here; until now. Last week, after a three week battle for his life that had been filled with rally ups as well as declines, Ryan left this world with Ashlee and myself by his side. A few weeks prior, he had told me that “our experiences create energy and our emotions are the pathways to that energy”. I have found myself feeling okay in the knowledge that he is no longer suffering while also feeling destroyed by the realization that I will never again see my dream nor hear his voice; the heaven and the hell of this trauma. Life contains moments, especially the “f” ones, that will always live on the inside of us because what has been done cannot be undone; but in time they can change form through our emotions. It matters not whether you can understand the loss of my son, you shouldn’t ever be here, but that you realize that the devastation of any given moment in an individual’s experiences can and does carry the weight of the world; as seen and felt in the heart of the beholder. That which is on the inside will be expressed on the outside; because it is a declaration of an energy, a part or a moment that is in need of being seen. My sometime warrior status had been readily available to me during those three weeks but now I am only holding the hand of fear; while the hand of courage remains hidden in the shadows. The hope, that had been present with each passing day, no longer exists because he doesn’t. I am walking in circles because I have never been here before; it takes time to feel the anything and the everything. The tomorrow will eventually come when I will have spent enough time becoming comfortable with this new hell and I am scared of that too; if you’re scared just say you are. The yesterdays are where Ryan lives and I do not want to leave there. The energy that he created in my life was filled with heaven and hell experiences; they are what I am breathing in now. I am who I am in part because of him and for that I will always be grateful; for each and every heavell moment. Every dream matters whether here or not; because as he has said, “Love never ends but it does change into a new energy”. In this moment I will do this differently; with the help of Ashlee, Taylor and even Ryan. I am the heavell keeper of my life.
(Ryan: June 1998-May 2019)
To the doctors and nurses in the ICU: Thank you for all your efforts to save Ryan. I was realistic in my expectations but all of you kept hope alive until the end.
To Brittany: You have chosen a career that is meant to save lives and you are amazing at it. Ashlee and I will forever remember your kindness to Ryan; as well as to each of us. As I said “There is no other nurse that we nor Ryan would have wanted to be there when he left this world.” You are an amazing person. Thank you is what we said to you as we left but it is simply not enough to express our appreciation for all that you are and for what you did. The world is a better place because of people like you.
My dearest Ryan: You went out sober but those yesterdays were never going to let you go. We will always laugh when remembering you saying “I don’t want any fentanyl. I just want a glass of water.” One of the last things you said to Ashlee and I was that “this fucking sucks!” We promised you that we would be okay without you but I want you to know that for us “this fucking sucks!” We will forever miss your circle of heavell being with our circles of heavell. See you fallen angel. Love, Mom, Ashlee and Taylor.
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