One of the most common things that I have heard from addicts, especially from those that are in sobriety, is that they feel as if they are suspended in mid-air; not knowing where they belong or feeling as if they do not fit in anywhere. Addicts can never be the person that they were prior to their addiction because so much has been added to the pieces of the yesterdays; there is no going back but there is the repeating of what has been. Nor can they continue to be in the lives of those who have perceived of them through the shared use of substances; if they hope to maintain their sobriety. There is also a disconnect between addicts and non-addicts as each has felt and been affected differently by the substance abuse. The yesterdays may be filled with hell but they are also most certainly familiar and even possibly comfortable in all that has been; whether we want that or not. The past does contain those moments, the traumas and even the BLAH but it is the future, with its unknown places on the inside as well as the outside, that can bring the most fear; especially when the same coping skills hide in the shadows. Where have you been in your heart? How long will you continue to stay there? It is never easy to breathe in brave when the reminders of the anything and the everything can be found in the mirror and in the words that we say to ourselves; as well as in the ones that others say to us. If you are scared or even lost, then just say you are; because we all have been at some point; whether an addict or not. No one can be completely aware of who his or her future self will be; because the moments, the traumas, the love and the BLAH of the tomorrows have yet to be revealed. Treat the heaven and the hell, within you and around you, equally; because adversity brings the latter while hoping that you will use the former to help yourself find beauty no matter where you are. Round and round we will always go even if we stop at the place that seems like home; because we are all circles of heavell.
Those compelling voices, no matter where they come from, help to create the victims and the monsters within our parts. If there is fracturing and a disconnection, we are even more likely to return to the familiar behaviors of yesterday; including but not limited to substance abuse. The green truth is that we can expect an addict, or even ourselves, to get back to being who and what he or she was prior to addiction. The real truth is that a part or some of the parts of that person helped him or her fall into hell; and as such is not the person to return to being if we expect a different outcome. The state of hanging in mid-air is the place between where we have been and where we will be; eventually. As difficult and even as lonely as it can be, we must embrace that place by getting to know all of our parts; especially the ones that place us at risk. Grace is found when we understand why a tree or a part brought down a forest or a whole. What has been expressed on the outside is a reflection of what is on the inside for each of us. That pain or the BLAH must be seen and then transformed otherwise it will continue to bring hell; see you soon whether you want to or not. You are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of you; because you are better together than you are apart. You are the only one who knows and feels the anything and the everything about you; denying a part or parts is how this all came to be. Pick your own weeds and smell your flowers, whether an addict or not, because each one actually contains beauty; in the shadows as well as in plain sight. I’m not it because if you can’t accept all of you, especially the “f” moments, then you will always just have illusions of connections; the first relationship is with yourself. Round and round we go as we behave today as we did yesterday and as we are likely to do so in the tomorrows; unless we treat the heaven as well as the hell equally in order to be whole.
Dear Leslie: On Monday you left this world to join your dream who passed just a few years ago. It had been hard to accept the loss of Chad but through you, his presence has always stayed close to us. Over the years, you have helped us to transform the fear, the regret and even the anger into the love and appreciation of all that he had been in our lives; both the heaven and the hell. Thank you for your kindness towards us but especially for Ryan; it takes all of us working together to help those who have fallen. You and Chad will live on in our memories and as a part of our hearts. Please give him a hug from us. Every dream matters whether here or not. Love Always, Heavell.
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