We often look to the outside of ourselves for the endorsement of the things that we feel on the inside. When we find the connection, that at the very least appears to validate us, we can feel recognized; whether that bond is created through people, places, things, substances or the BLAH. If there is a failure in achieving being perceived, we can feel misunderstood or even lost. Throughout the yesterdays, we have incorporated into ourselves, all of the moments that have brought hurt into our lives; breathing them into our hearts. They are a part of our personal emotional definitions that make us who we are; the dictionary definitions of words are not the same as our emotional definitions of them. Within those little boxes of feelings are the voices of all that has been. No matter where you are, in your heart or otherwise, what is on the inside will be expressed on the outside; those feelings will follow you wherever you go. Why then do we look outside of ourselves for the acknowledgement and the acceptance of our own feelings? The passage of the yesterdays can heal some of our wounds but all of our feelings will always just be a part of us; even when those feelings change in form. Emotions of happiness can transform into anger when a moment that appeared to be heavenly turns out to be a lie; or even truly hell. Feelings of fear or hurt can be expressed through anger, or even substance abuse, as a reaction to the challenges that adversity brings or has brought. It is also possible for the emotion of anger to be converted into grace through the understanding of our personal circles of heavell; and the role that emotional definitions carry. This place that you are at may be familiar and even comfortable but it also may be detrimental to your wellbeing; regardless of being an addict or not.
For years I struggled with the fear, the hurt, the desperation and especially the anger that lives in the hell of addiction. I know that life has previously brought each of those emotions for me in some way but my son’s addiction amplified them. I had reached the point where I felt that I had to constantly remind myself to breathe; especially during those overwhelming emotional moments. I eventually realized that I could not continue with the repeating of those same behaviors while expecting a different outcome; not unlike an addict. It was my children’s constant challenging of how I perceived of myself as well as how I breathed those moments in that helped me to see the real truth; that I am a circle of heavell. Although each of us used similar words, we did not react to nor feel the same about the words that we spoke nor the moments and the behaviors that were being described; different people with different perspectives. The need to be heard when we feel hurt or afraid or even angry can carry the weight of the world for each of us; whether an addict or not. If, however, we don’t feel the same way about things or even words, how can we possibly understand each other? How can someone perceive of the harm that I have felt as a result of his or her behavior? Or I of that person from my behaviors? Each of us hears and perceives of the anything and the everything through the use of those personal emotional definitions. The heaven and the hell of us is that our words, actions, emotions as well as our lack of perception has the ability to lift up or destroy. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Are you able to hear you or are you a non-believer? Where have you been in your heart? This place has shown me that beauty can be found no matter where I am; especially when I am scared.
You are your guide in the hell of addiction or in any hell for that matter; whether an addict or not. You are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part but never to deny any of them. The transformation of emotions into something that lifts you up rather than destroys you is possible but first you must listen to you; whether anyone else understands or not does not change your real truth. What is on the inside of each of us will be expressed on the outside of us through our words and actions. Even though they can effect us, do not breathe them into your heart; you can learn from them though. Grace is found in the understanding that when someone harms us, it is a reflection of what is happening on the inside of that person; not of what we deserve. If you are going to stand in your hell then you must also stand in your heaven; treat them both equally in order to be whole. Being perceived is found within your circle of heavell and not in the value that others place on you; otherwise you will be fractured. This is not a competition because illusions of perfection can never be the real truth. Use each part of yourself to face the adversity that life brings; if your scared just say you are because we all are at some point. I’m not it because you can do this better; it matters what you do with the whole of you. This place is only one stop on the trail in your circle of heavell; even if it appears to be home. See you soon. Love heaven as well as hell.
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