The everything and anything that we feel about each part of our personal circle of heavell is breathed deeply into our hearts; the details of which cannot be seen by others no matter what appears on the outside of us. At times those beliefs can carry the weight of the world as we look in the mirror and only see the hell of ourselves. We then hide those feelings and parts through smiles, laughter, appearances, anger, substance abuse or BLAH. I can remember the first counselor that worked with Ryan who had told me that I could not hand Ryan his belief in himself no matter how much I wanted to. That statement had been a challenge to me and my response was, “Have you met me? Of course I can!”. The real truth was that I had already been a piece of the creation of the opinions that Ryan held to be true in his heart about himself. What is in your words to yourself and to others is important because it can position your feelings as being more important or less than someone else’s; giving rise to the lifting up or the destroying of others as well as ourselves. The complication is that everyone on the family circle, the friend circle and the larger other circle all carry those same abilities to some degree. If we imply to others that our beliefs are better or more important than their’s are, we are a part of the traumas whether we are aware of them or not. While it is important for us to speak of our feelings to our fallen angels, it is equally important that they speak of theirs to us; especially of the hell. It is easy to love and be happy or appear to be when people, places and things are uncomplicated but that is not the real truth in life. Hell will never be that far away and as such it is our ability to face it, as well as appropriately cope with it, that determines the fate of ourselves and our relationships. In order to be whole, we have to treat the heavens and the hells in an equal manner; we as well as life are made up of both. I recently had the opportunity to read a letter that I had written many, many years ago as a teen to my mother. It contained my words of frustration that were based upon my very personal emotional definitions. I can only imagine what she must have thought as she read that letter because in it was my implication that she was the “f” word. By focusing on her failings, I was able to deny or justify mine which helped to create a cycle of “it’s your fault not mine” that took years to overcome. My expectation had been that she needed to hear me and then adapt how she handled things to my liking. She was for her part waiting on my acceptance of her words just as I had done as a child. Both of us felt unheard and as such we were determined that the other person would become what we wanted and needed. I have wasted a lot of time, as well as having incurred more pain, as I anticipated the receiving of my words and the adjustment of everyone else. People often believe the hell we say to them and of them especially when we put our feelings over theirs. That counselor was only partly correct in his assessment that I could not hand Ryan his belief in himself. I had been a piece of the formation of the original thoughts and I was capable of being a part of his acceptance of his feelings that would need to incorporate yesterday, today and the possibilities of tomorrow; his full circle of heavell. In order to make that happen, I had to recognize that if I wanted there to be change, it would need to start with me. In order to be heard, I was going to have to hear all that needed to be said. Every step is an opportunity for each of us to discover the real truth of our actions and feelings by looking in the mirror; whether an addict or not. Having expectations of others while justifying ourselves creates a cycle that does not lead to the lifting up of anyone on our circles of heavell. We cannot change this as long as we are only focused on what others need to do rather than on what we all can do separately as well as together. Today holds the hope that by my picking my own weeds, others will choose to do so as well. Find every heaven and hell in your heart and embrace them equally while breathing in brave. You are the perfect person to change this because you have it all whether you want it or not. Beauty is not found in illusions of perfection but by holding the hands of courage and fear as you step towards the understanding of your circle of heavell. Transformation begins with what you find within your heart; love, hate, accept and change every part but never deny nor justify any of them. What will you do with the knowledge of you and the effects it has on you as well as others? Please stand by because we are all in need of repair.
To my mom: Thank you for the lessons, for being the “f” word, and for always loving me. Thank you for your sense of humor as you pointed at me and said “I told you it’s your fault not mine” with a smile and a twinkle in your eyes. I have never laughed nor cried so hard as I did that day. Our hell together has helped me to become a better person. A part of me will never be the same without you and that’s okay because you are never really that far away. Hope lives on with other people; especially my children. My love carries you in my heart and the memories of you fill the void left by your passing.
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