When dreams are little, our words carry all that should be because we are the most important people in their lives. At some point, who they are and what they do is influenced by other dreams; as their need to be perceived by others leaves them vulnerable. That transition then can produce a feeling of frustration and even uncertainty as the relationship changes through the shift of power. Those angels who had never lied or did things that could place them at risk for being harmed, begin taking chances and or following others while not really knowing the possibilities of all that may happen. Despite the change, we speak and listen in the same manner that we always have while wondering why yesterday is not working today but hopeful that tomorrow will bring the return of what had been. It’s as if we want to return to a time when our words carried all that should be even though that became an impossibility once they began to listen to others. We are a part of how angels fall by leading them to feel that they are misconceived by us; making the perceptions of their peers even more valuable. If we want our dreams to continue to hear us, it would then make sense for us to learn to adjust by discovering what is in our words that we speak to ourselves and to others; rather than to continue with the same behaviors while expecting a different outcome. In all of our relationships, we ourselves desire to be perceived for who we are as well as for what we feel about anything and everything. Knowing what part you have in the fall or the success of any and all moments in relationships, our lives, is not about feeling responsible for the choices of others. It is about taking the power of what we can control back into our hands regardless of those decisions or the outcome of them. If you or someone else, addict or not, is the only one who needs to change, to learn, the likelihood is that the situation will never truly alter for the better; resulting in the relapses of behaviors. I always felt so incapable during those years of drug use by Ryan because I had wanted him to “just do as I had said”. The real truth was that if that had been a possibility, we would have never stepped on that trail in hell to begin with. The cycle of repeating my demands, pleadings or even threats with him was completely frustrating, bordered on being insane and was fueled by my fear. When we feel things that are not acknowledged by others, we experience the loss of validation that we need that can and does flow into other parts. When behaviors don’t change, or only do so temporarily, we can lose the hope that we carry in our hearts as we face the real truth. Yesterday will always be but it should never become today or tomorrow because in it is where the anything and the everything can be found that led to the beginning of addiction.
I am not the same person that I was before all of this had started. I never will be and I never want to be that person again. However that me will always be a part of yesterday; having played a roll in the anything and the everything that has lead to who I am today. I have been effected and altered by multiple traumas, some small and some big, before and after the discovery of Ryan’s addiction. One of the greatest and worst things ever said to me was by a person who had witnessed a childhood trauma of mine. When we first encountered each other, that person communicated to me that he or she had worried for years about whether or not I was okay from that incident. Also relayed to me at that time was how that trauma had effected that individual’s life. It would have never occurred to me that anyone other than myself had been affected that day if that person had not mentioned it. Our actions, reactions and emotional definitions effect other people in ways that we are rarely aware of until they say so or show us so. Even then, we often deny the weight of them. That was an eye opening experience that reminded me that what may seem small to us or even as not a problem, can be a huge difficulty for someone else. I reassured that person that despite what had transpired, I was okay after that event. I was left wondering, though, if that individual was aware that it was really he or she that had suffered the greatest and not I. That individual was simply a bystander and yet that moment carried pain well into the future. In what way, if any, was that person’s life altered after that moment? It matters that I was a part of that trauma regardless of whether it was of my choosing or not, my intention or not, my fault or not. It is a part of me and that individual that will remain because yesterday will always be. Each moment is important, whether big or small, but especially if someone’s life is effected; due to actions or reactions or emotional definitions from outside of his or her own personal circle of heavell. The choice is theirs but the influence is ours. What’s in your words? How do you feel about anything and everything?
As I began to learn to speak without biting from the apples known as justification and denial, hell was unleashed upon me by several individuals. For some, the picking of one’s own weeds is a sign of weakness. Or perhaps it had granted them the freedom to say “I knew it was all your fault!” so that their illusions of perfection could remain intact. At times I almost returned to the behaviors of yesterday due to those challenges. They were also the actions that I was familiar with and I found it easier to turn towards them when under duress; not unlike an addict. There were many moments of fear as courage seemed to be hiding at the points that I needed it most. It has however been absolutely awakening to discover the things that I am responsible for, what I am able to learn and then subsequently change. I was able to take the deepest breath of brave that I have ever felt when I made the announcement that I was the “f” word. I have carried hope in my hand with each step that I have taken forward as well as during those awkward, backward ones. Any appearance of perfection has all but faded away from my reflection. That mirror, that I hated so much in the beginning for its real truth, is something I look forward to now as it is my guide in hell. It is where my beauty was found. I am the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of me so that I may just be. The mistakes, the traumas and the moments of yesterday should be learned from and not repeated. They are not to be carried in our hearts so that they flow into other parts and alter or stop who we are; preventing us from being whole. Please stand by because the possibilities of hope lays in each and every one of us. A tree may have brought down the forest but a tree can also lift up a whole forest. Pick your own weeds and see who follows by picking theirs.
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