We are often told to not turn around and look at yesterday, but to instead live in the present while looking to the future. Yesterday, however, is a part of how we came to be and therefore cannot be ignored. It is where our mistakes, the lessons, our traumas, heavens or BLAH sprawl freely while being expressed from the inside to the outside. There is comfort in that history through its familiarity as the known always seems better than the unknown regardless of its heaven or hell orientation. With each new day there is also a new yesterday filled with moments and patterns that affect us. It is not possible for me to just ignore or get over what yesterday brought into my life. To do so would mean losing parts of myself that would leave me as a fractured person; not unlike an addict. Hell has been in my past and it will be in my future because the real truth is that life is a circle of heavell. No one, and I do mean no one, is moving through this life without having hell as a part of them as well as around them in some manner. People, places, substances or things will never lead to those heavenly expectations by the hiding or denying of that. We are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people but some of us make it easier for others to appear to be or to have only heaven. ‘Who are you?” is a question that is meant to lead to the discovery of your feelings about everything but most importantly about yourself; both the heaven and the hell. What you choose to do with the knowledge of those feelings establishes how you will continue to cope with all that was, is and will be in you. You may not have been powerful enough, yesterday, to change that which has been done but today you can transform with the help of the past. By choosing to see only some of the parts, you are conditionally loving yourself and or others. Those missing or hidden parts can make it difficult for anyone to feel complete just as anything will fail to thrive with only some of its parts. It can be hard to breathe when we feel alone but it can be just as hard to breathe when we are amongst people who relate to our misery. When this all began for me, I knew of no one who had fallen off the cliff into hell. I felt separated from everyone even with the presence of Ashlee and Taylor there. As the years passed, phone calls came in from other parents who were also facing the addiction of their dreams. There is a sadness that comes from knowing others are going through the same thing but there is also a relief in knowing we are not alone in hell. The unity of being the parents of fallen angels brought the commonality that is unearthed in that despair to the front as the part that defined us. I have come to learn though, through their suffering as well as mine, that my fear and courage are specific to me while theirs belongs solely to them. We can learn from each other but we can also fail to step towards dealing with having it all in the security of that solidarity. Addicts and non-addicts are very much the same as each gravitates towards the group that understands them. Breathing in the familiarity of those who are able to perceive us can help us to feel heard, seen and even give the appearance of being whole. You are the perfect person to accept all the parts that make you the only you in this world. Know that if you can’t accept your bad days, you will never truly have good days because one does not exist without the other. The green truth is that you are only a part or only some parts. The real truth is that you are a whole made up of parts that are both heaven and hell in orientation. Tomorrow will be just like yesterday if you do not take the hands of fear and courage and breathe in brave while walking alone on your circle of heavell; despite being surrounded by those who sympathize with you.
Change begins with the awareness that just because it has been done does not mean it was right then nor that it will be right in the future. Slowly but surely throughout communities we are beginning to see the transformation from the degradation of addicts to the implementation of processes that can help addicts move towards sobriety. We are proud and appreciative of the Tucson Police Department for their efforts to get addicts to the treatment that they need rather than persisting with the procedures of the past. Together we are powerful enough to change what has been by being a part of the solution rather than continuing to be a part of the problem.
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