When I think about the word war, I imagine pain, suffering and devastation. When I contemplate the word drugs, I feel anger, fear and an inability to breath. Why do we call this a “War on Drugs”? Drugs are created by, sold by, needed and used by addicts and non-addicts as well as profited by them. If this is a war then it is a war against humans not drugs. History has shown us that wars leave destruction in their wake. Innocent people are broken, injured and killed in wars that are created by humans that want something that someone else has or to stop something someone else does; people, places and things. If we are at war with humans over drugs, how many lives and years will be lost in a combat that will never end? How many victims will be created from the trauma(s) that they face in their lives that will lead to their need to cope in an altered state? This is a circle of hell that continues to grow while we wage war against drugs even though it is not drugs that are the problem. As long as we need them, there will always be humans willing to do whatever it takes, regardless of who gets hurt and regardless of the cost, to profit from suffering. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do. In the beginning, my fear and anger over Ryan’s addiction brought the desire for war against those who are involved with the creation, distribution and profit of drugs to the front for me. The green truth was that war would surely end this thus releasing my feelings of trauma and violation at the hands of those who have prayed upon my son as well as others. I believed that until the mirror showed me that the addictive brain, the unhappiness, the traumas, and the lack of coping skills were the true enemies on the circle of heavell. Even our need to defend to the death that we are right despite the cost is our enemy; death of a dream, a relationship, a forest, a circle of heavell. With war comes the complacency that dreams will be lost and destroyed. I am not willing to accept the loss of my poster child nor the loss of anyone’s fallen angel because of a war on drugs that cannot be won. I am however willing to crusade for the discovery of how we got here, our personal definitions that make us who we are and the acceptance that we are a whole and not just a part. This is not a competition even though there are those who would make it so. The war on drugs is a green truth. The real truth is that it has never been just about drugs nor just about addiction because if every part on the circle of heavell is doing its job, one part would never bring down the whole. You should be here is a green truth. You shouldn’t be but if you are, we can solve this by crusading for all of us rather than being at war while complacent in the destruction of dreams; because every dream matters.
Everything in life requires courage and its friend fear. They walk hand in hand and you choose which one you will reflect in every moment of your life. It takes fear to show us that if we continue to behave today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow, hell will be our normal. Courage is then our determination to change things even when we don’t know how to or want to. Fear has laid me down and courage has stood me up. I am no different than my son, the addict, nor anyone else including the non-believers. Fear keeps me from thinking clearly and immobile while courage allows me to see every part of myself that makes me whole; the good, the bad and the okay. I am a circle of heavell and I live in a circle of heavell while being affected by everyone else’s circle of heavell. As of today I am the greatest human possible for me and tomorrow I hope to be even better, but that will depend upon my courage as well as my fear. I will take steps forward and back in my growth not unlike an addict fighting for sobriety. My bad days however will not in any way lead to death but Ryan’s bad days can and have. When I am fearful, it has been easy to run towards what I am comfortable with and to control what I can. Often when I listen to people talk about their pain and how they cope with it, I can see the similarities between us in the emotions and responses. How can we expect addicts to change when under duress we turn towards past behaviors, defending them to the death, as well? Currently there are at least a couple of young people, non-addicts at this point, that I am aware of in my realm that are in great distress in their lives. They are living in fear and fighting for courage as they discover all the parts of themselves. They desire to be accepted as a whole rather than directed to be the part or parts that someone else tells them to be. Fear immobilizes us at times to the point where we cannot get up or we hide who we are sometimes for years; non-addicts are very much like addicts. We are a whole made up of parts. All those parts are to be loved, hated, accepted and changed if need be because without each part we cannot be a whole. Ryan at times focuses on the parts of him that were once his defining greatness; the athlete, the top student, the defender of the underdog. He then focuses on what he sees as his worst parts; his anger, his inability to cope, his use of drugs that cost him his greatness. Those parts can and have fueled his relapses as mine have also done. The green truth is a part is all that he is. The real truth is that all of these things created a whole person who has been courageous in life and one who has been immobile from fear. By continually treating addicts as only a part, no matter the size of that part, we are ensuring that they do not move forth and that we the non-addicts do not have to either. In judgement we will reap what we have sown which is the continual fall of angels because we led them there.
To the fearful, the newly you are here, the non-believers, addicts and non-addicts: We cannot expect others to accept our parts if we do not accept them ourselves. We cannot change this if we are at war rather than a crusade to save each and everyone of us. Courage is never without fear so decide today which one is leading and deal with that; tomorrow it may be the other one. This will not be won in a moment or a part or in denial or in judgement but all them are a part of it. It requires a circle of heavell starting with your circle first. Figure out how you feel about everything because those feelings are your personal definitions that make you the only you in this world. Traumas can break you but they are only one part so look in the mirror and see all of you. You are your guide out of hell because you are the only one powerful enough to accept and or change the circle of heavell within yourself using your fear today and your courage tomorrow. We stand united to save every dream because every dream matters but we need every part of you to do this better. Keep talking because we are listening.
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