I have had a person in my life who has spent a lifetime trying to convince me that everyone else is better or more important than I am. That person’s happiness or unhappiness was my responsibility. I am not a child and yet this was a hell that was impossible to navigate. As adults we have the ability to “walk away” from people who hold us accountable for their very own actions and reactions. What if, though, it’s a child being held accountable for an adult’s inability to cope, parent or lead well? Have you ever had a bad moment where you snapped at your child or another because you were frustrated or angry? Were you aware of what you were doing? I have done this by taking my feelings and projecting them on to my children. I sent them the message that I was angry with them while the truth was that I was frustrated with someone else or even myself. Children do not have the ability to recognize that what adults are expressing is not necessarily what they deserve . I never meant to send my children mixed messages but I did. Mixed messages create weaknesses not only in those individual trees but also in the whole forest. Adults justify their behavior, especially bad behavior, all the time and yet we expect children to behave as we say not as we do. If they are not entitled to their feelings then neither are we; feelings belong to all humans not just adults. We lead our children to where they are. It has been incredibly painful to look in the mirror at myself and recognize my failings; my sins. My behavior and words created conditional love. That person who held me accountable for his/her happiness and unhappiness was more obvious by actions but I did the same thing to my children. Some people make it easy for others to appear to be good. My children followed me into hell because I behaved so and I said so. Treat others as you would have them treat you because if it’s good enough for them then it is good enough for you.
I am sure that the outpatient and inpatient rehab counselors had tried to get me to understand the importance of how I communicated. The problem is that it requires so much more understanding than using the simple statement of “when you do this, I feel this…”. When we listen to others we must do so with the understanding that their emotional definitions are valid too. I am guilty of being “passionate” although my children would more likely tell you that I have been angry. No matter what has happened around me or to me, the truth is that my fear, my anger has been an expression of my inability to cope well; much like an addict using drugs. I was too busy proving that my feelings were right resulting in a failure to hear myself and my children. Words hold a lot of feelings for me as they do for everyone else; they just might not be felt or expressed in the same manner. In conditional relationships, only my feelings matter but in unconditional ones, everyone’s feelings matter. I have discovered how hard it is to hear others when I haven’t really even heard myself. In order for me to be able to hear what I have done wrong I have had to be open to the fact that I was wrong; without a single justification. If I justify my behavior then so can everyone else, especially an addict. Saying I am sorry, when someone tells me he or she feels hurt by my words or actions, is not an admission of guilt. It is an acknowledgement of the other person’s pain and the need to be more aware. If we love our families then why would we ever want them to hurt? To not be seen and heard? My being sorry about yesterday cannot undo what has happened because it has passed and the damage is done. I can work on today and I can work towards change for tomorrow. I must change what has been my normal because it is not good enough for me nor for my children. I am one person on the circle of heavell and I am powerful enough to effect the whole circle. My children are the ones who showed me that I, in part, lead them into hell. We are perfectly, irritatingly, messy people. It has never been convenient to see or hear anyone but we must if we ever hope to get out of hell. Change is hard, especially when we are talking about truly hearing others. We cannot say we are sorry or admit wrongs and then continue to repeat the same behaviors. We are here because we have failed to see, to hear and to change; to be accountable.
When Ryan woke up, he had wanted to know if he really was awake or if he was still dreaming. During that 15 day unresponsive state, he had dreamed that he had lived a multitude of lives, dying in each one. He told me that he had been searching for me in those dreams but was never able to find me. We did not understand what he had been through; the result of his choice to use the drugs that had almost ended his life permanently. He was completely oblivious to what we had been through. Everyone had been traumatized but each of us had our very own personal feelings about that horrible time in hell. How could we understand each other if we do not see and feel the same things? The problem with the circle is that each person believes their view and their feelings are the right one; the only one. Unity cannot be found if we do not try to understand and accept the importance of every view and every feeling. We have the ability to lift up or to destroy each position on the circle of heavell with our choices; our actions and reactions. We all assumed that because of that trauma, drugs would never be a part of our lives again. If each of us behaves today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow, the results will be the same; reap what you sow.
Once upon a dream is still a nightmare. Now you see me now you don’t. Denial is our friend. One life is still for sale. Green truths. Some people appear to be good. Treat others as you would have them treat you. Why don’t you understand that when you do this, I feel this? Tricks are not just for drugs. You scream, I scream and nothing changes. To the non-believers. You can run but you can’t hide because the mirror sees you too.
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