The first time I had become conscious of the fact that dreams overdose and die, was several years ago. Ashlee was dating a young man who had used drugs. I been unaware of his coping skills until his death brought them to the front. When he walked in the door at my house, it was as if the sun rose and set with him. His personality had been big and his smile even bigger. His laughter was infectious. His family by all appearances was a loving and caring one; “they were one of the good ones” just like we were. Yet that dream, that poster child had serious emotional pain that he had used drugs to run from. When Ashlee realized he was self-medicating again, she went to the family to warn them. She then had told her boyfriend that she couldn’t be with him if he was using drugs. He decided that night he was going to party just one more time. His mother had found him the next morning in his bed; dead from an overdose. For months, if not years, Ashlee believed that she should have, could have, done more to save him. I am sure his mother had felt the same way. If he had only done as she had said, as his mother had said, as others had said. His death created trauma in many people. Years later we lost another young man from another accidental overdose. We had known him for most of his life. He had a big smile and a friendly personality too. He had also suffered greatly from emotional pain; the common denominator amongst unhappy people who alter their state of being. At his funeral his father told me that his fallen angel had died doing what he had loved most; drugs. No, he had died using drugs to cope while dreaming of being seen by his father. Both in life and death, his father was determined to be right. He was not responsible for his dream having chosen to cope via drugs but he was responsible for having taught him that his feelings and needs did not matter. Children are perfectly, inconvenient, irritatingly, messy people who suffer small and big traumas. The green truth is we expect them to do as we say not as we do. The real truth is coping well through adversity, any traumas, is a learned behavior. The valley of fallen angels is filled because we continue to behave today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow all the while justifying our behavior. Now you see me, now you don’t. It is not convenient to see or hear others but every dream on the circle of heavell deserves for us to do just that; including ourselves. Victims can and do grow up to be monsters.
Every day I meet people who have been affected by addiction whether they recognize it or not; whether it is themselves or not. At times it involves drug addicts but usually it involves alcoholics. Addiction is addiction whether the source is legal or not. It does not discriminate because it loves all pain equally. Often alcoholics will tell me they are fine, or that they are just unwinding or just partying or it is good for them to have a glass of wine. Somehow they believe they are different, nay better, than drug addicts but that is a green truth. Failing to cope well results in unhappy people who alter their state of being; sometimes in secret. Drugs and alcohol can and do destroy people; just in different time frames and distinct ways. I know of a teenager who sneaks alcohol from her parent’s cabinets. She has stated she will never use drugs and yet she is on her way to coping in life as an alcoholic. She was lead there. I know another young lady who did the same as a teenager and still copes that way as an adult. She was lead to where she has fallen. Another was a drug addict who now drinks instead because it’s legal; because it is somehow more acceptable. I know a mother who was devastated over her son’s drug use all the while drinking not just one drink a day but many drinks every day. We can justify and or blame others but the mirror knows the real truth about all of us. Do not lie if you do not want your children to lie. Do not cope with the help of any substance that alters your state of being if you do not want your children to. We make our normal our children’s normal. To all the non-believers; addicts and non-addicts are very much the same because we all fail to cope well.
Ryan’s waking up and breathing on his own was indeed a miracle. It was a testament of the determination that he had, the mad skills of those doctors and even of my ex’s resolution to save Ryan. I had thought many times over that past year that I had felt every emotion possible. There had been so many devastating traumas since this had begun. There had been moments filled with hope and with the loss of faith. Every time I thought I had this, something would happen to place everything out of control again. I had never felt so much fear that translated into rage as I did from the beginning of our knowledge of his drug use to his overdosing. I had not been able to stand and at other times I was a warrior. He had coped by running from his pain and it had almost cost him his life. I had coped by believing that my definitions held the same meaning for him as they did for me as they did for my daughters. That is a green truth. We know the definitions of words but we do not feel the same way about them as individuals, as males and females, as families and as groups; we then react according to those feelings. Drugs tricked us in to believing they were the problem. If only Ryan had done what we had said rather than what we did then he would have never listened to the snake and bit the apple. It’s your fault not mine. The tree brought the whole forest down because if everyone was doing their job on the circle of heavell then no one would cope by altering their state of being. A miracle creates a sense of heaven; that hell has been left behind. Addiction is tricky though and it loves all pain equally especially when only the addict is expected to change.
Tricks are not just for drugs. They are for addiction too. To all the non-believers. You are a part of the problem. The mirror knows the real truth but we prefer green truths. Just like you. We all dream dreams but nightmares are the normal. Victims turn into monsters. I am your guide in hell but only you can get yourself out of it. Miracles feel like heaven. My poster child is alive. The snake and the apples. You can run but your little boxes of feelings will always be there. When you breathe I breathe. The fallen angel has something to say. Are you listening? Oh mirror, mirror why are there so many unhappy people?
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