A Letter Home #349

Dear Me,

I have watched you over the years, wandering back and forth through the weather of emotions that have remained fully committed to leading us back to the space where no one, including ourselves, knows how to meet us at whatever point that we were currently in.

I have made notes about your struggles in making art out of your everyday feelings and the sacrifices that came from the exhaustion of carrying what was never ours to hold to begin with.

I have put the lists of the items that are associated with your anger and sorrow where I can easily find them so that when the feels surface to fill and empty you, we are both in agreement. 

I, on behalf of you, have given a voice to “the what ifs and the whys” so that you will know what that silent scream deep inside of you sounds like as it surfaces.     

I have replayed all the reasons for staying in the familiarity of the darkness by telling you that happiness is something that only happens when everything comes together, and our conflicts prevent that from ever being possible.   

I have told you that even though there isn’t any way to know how to manage all the layers of what was never imagined, somehow you should have known exactly how to cope with the feelings that came.

I have been, all along, devoted to providing you with pieces of grief whenever and wherever you are so that you would realize that new people, places and things can’t prevent us from being stuck in yesterday’s situations on the inside.

I have also implied to you that the outcome matters more than just doing your best because those are the words of the same story that I have gotten used to repeating to you.

I have also told you that it is better to hide your emotions than to experience them otherwise that would have required me to stop telling you the tall tales about how allowing feels to ebb and flow is weakness.

I have also led you to believe that it isn’t all right to make yourself a priority or to seek help because keeping your suffering secret has fit into my compacity of understanding strength even though we both know that that is how sadness exists day after day.

Together, you and I have built this life around a cycle of doubt in moments, words and the weather that have never once granted us the grace to make mistakes or to find out how to show up for ourselves in the places that need support.     

I am tired of that judgement that has encircled our journey and wish to tell you that I have reached the end of its existence, and so it is with the hope that you desire change as much as I do that, I am writing a letter home.

I know you are afraid but nothing else matters other than going forward together so let’s give it a go with the same quiet courage that we have used right up to this point, just with better information that allows joy to meet us where we are.

Have the best day POSSIBLE for you. 

Love Always,

Me