It feels good in the sun because when we are in the warmth of a spot like that, we can forget what distresses us for at least a moment but as soon as there’s a chance of storms, we yearn to be back in that light as if there’s something missing in us without it. Sometimes we aren’t even aware of what the cause of the emptiness is, but we feel it just the same and it can be triggered without that specific knowledge or the realization that it is happening. Even characters in narratives have a back-history and hidden longings that influence and give depth to their over-reacting or insufficient responses. Those developments don’t make sense to those personas or to the others in the tales and the absences that we breathe in feel just as nonsensical although we don’t have a writer who will reveal in the next chapter why we “flip out” or stay stuck in a place that we don’t want to be in or yell “Good Grief!” when we are surprised by a dragon that has appeared on our path again. Suffering feels like a negative emotion that takes the details of our moments and turns them into loud feelings that we don’t want to experience, leaving us peering through prickle bushes at the trails of others wishing we were a different person or at least somewhere else. So, when we yearn or ache, we are missing or feeling the loss of someone or something which is really an obscure but deeply felt part of grieving. While traveling your journey, how much invisible pain is blocking your view, making it seem as if you are lying in the weeds when you really just need to sit up to see around the bend? What if we believe that others are only in the sun, when they are actually lingering in a spot because they don’t want to feel their suffering either? If you think about how difficult it is to know what is on the inside of an individual, even our own selves, then it is possible in a different truth to recognize that grief can be found in anger, a smile and the weeds as well as fields of blooms. Nothing feels good about it, so we don’t yearn to understand all the ways that we actually experience the moments that we have in life. Of course, it’s easier to close the door on those kinds of messes or to hide what’s there but then that will never ever be the better story of us, nor does it allow us to love and keep ourselves safe in the dark. The strongest pain I feel screams in my loss of Ryan. It’s understandable and it’s viewable as a weight of the world part in my epic tale, but as I turn around, I can see lots of little, medium and other big moments where sorrow has been breathing within me although it came out in all sorts of “flipping out” ways that were probably meant to protect me from that suffering. I never realized that Ryan was grieving too, that hidden back-history, which resulted in his over-reacting and insufficient responses as the main character in his story and he didn’t either. If I had well, I can’t undo what has already been done but I can do it differently today which means moving the plot forward even though it has and will hurt so very much. What, then, is good grief? It’s a conversation on the inside about the losses we feel and the things that are missing along our rides that are not limited to the passing of people. It’s getting comfortable with breathing in sorrow as a part of our moments without specifying the terms in which we allow ourselves to feel those messy emotions. Good grief is going through our history knowing it is all right to not be all right and that our yearning is meant to help us move forward not to stay in what seems safe enough but will never actually be that. It takes time to reveal how life has affected you, but you are the author of your grand narrative and with each word and feeling you know about yourself, you move one step closer to being comfortable with you wherever you find yourself. In other words, without Ryan becoming an addict and losing his life to the damages from it, I don’t know if I would have ever learned as much about myself as I have. I am grateful to him and to the fire-breathing dragons along the journey. Yeah, I said it again even though it still sucks and maybe it doesn’t make sense right now for you, but good grief is the kind that hurts like hell but eventually there is the discovery of the warmth that lives in the darkness that is far stronger than any spot in the sunlight will ever be and perhaps that’s what magic is really all about. Have the best day POSSIBLE for you and remember to always be kind to yourself because you are a work of art in progress and it’s chaotic getting there. So, grab some tissues! Love Always, Heavell
“But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer” Viktor Frankl
Recent Comments