A Little and A Lot #250

The longer we experience something that is painful, the closer it stays to us in our hearts and our minds making even an event from years ago feel like it happened yesterday. Its then hard for us to imagine what we would look like beyond the place that we have found ourselves in. In a sense those very real memories get in our way and although our journeys continue to ramble on every day, we never actually move from a particular page or out of a single chapter in our own stories. It’s no wonder why our authenticity looks and sounds so much better as the details of a character whose trail finishes in a few sections of a novel then it does when we are living it. In other words, we are terribly misrepresented in the very accounts that we are the authors of while the thickness of the weeds, the sharpness of the prickles that cut us to the core and the dragons that wreak havoc are getting far more attention as the villains. It would seem then that we could all use a little love and a lot of understanding to take what’s too close to us and look through it so that we can actually see why we are always so possible wherever we are rather than continue to pass this way again and again hoping that the view will somehow be different without us having to be. After Ryan died, I found it impossible to move forward. The easy answer is because he no longer exists in this world and the complicated reply is that losing him was a painful experience that will always stay close by in my heart and my mind making it challenging for me to go ahead. He was, after all, “my substance” and continuing on without the benefit of him wasn’t what I wanted as a part of my journey which, perhaps surprisingly, has helped me to understand how difficult it was for Ryan to see himself coping in his life without the assistance of “his substance” that he had gotten used to. Of course, there is no comparison between a life and an inanimate object like a drug dragon or someone’s painful experience to another’s because the details are what separate every story just as they do us, but we can perceive of why letting go and moving forward is far more complicated in a little and a lot of ways for everyone. There are so many moments where any type of pain can show up and affect us, causing falls, without our realizing it or others for that matter. For instance, I am learning to belt out Ryan’s and my favorite songs without the support of his off-key voice and no you don’t want to hear me either. I do it for the both of us, but I could also choose to never ever sing again or move forward from that former comfortable duet into my somewhat embarrassing solo act, justifiably so because of my pain. I am also discovering that taking better care of myself means adding words to my story of love which apparently, I have needed to figure out although I thought only Ryan did because of his coping through substances. When we spend years battling any kind of mystical creatures and keeping painful memories close to us, suffering and grieving along the way, it’s easy to forget that loving all that we really are is an invincible tool that obliterates dragons, slices through weeds and knocks the points off of those damn prickles giving us those out of the blue wins even when things don’t go as we hope. It’s hard, scary and exciting not knowing who I am becoming as well as not having the guarantee that tomorrow will be exactly what I want especially since those yesterday’s definitely didn’t go as I had envisioned. The fear of the unknown and my pain has held me back, but I can truthfully say now through tears, a little laughter and a lot of tissues that what has already been, was an epic section of the ride of my life that is still being written. So how are you? Are you keeping things close to you that you need to change your view on? Yeah, I feel you and it’s understandable, but it also may be time to value it in a little and a lot of different ways. I get it, it’s complicated by the fact that you are used to it being by your side but start with one word of love for yourself and hold onto that as your sword while you are both kind and loud in all that you are, particularly in those moments in the weeds. Have the best day POSSIBLE for you. Love Always, Heavell