I have watched you over the years, wandering back and forth through the weather of emotions that have remained fully committed to leading us back to the space where no one, including ourselves, knows how to meet us at whatever point that we were currently in.
I have made notes about your struggles in making art out of your everyday feelings and the sacrifices that came from the exhaustion of carrying what was never ours to hold to begin with.
I have put the lists of the items that are associated with your anger and sorrow where I can easily find them so that when the feels surface to fill and empty you, we are both in agreement.
I, on behalf of you, have given a voice to “the what ifs and the whys” so that you will know what that silent scream deep inside of you sounds like as it surfaces.
I have replayed all the reasons for staying in the familiarity of the darkness by telling you that happiness is something that only happens when everything comes together, and our conflicts prevent that from ever being possible.
I have told you that even though there isn’t any way to know how to manage all the layers of what was never imagined, somehow you should have known exactly how to cope with the feelings that came.
I have been, all along, devoted to providing you with pieces of grief whenever and wherever you are so that you would realize that new people, places and things can’t prevent us from being stuck in yesterday’s situations on the inside.
I have also implied to you that the outcome matters more than just doing your best because those are the words of the same story that I have gotten used to repeating to you.
I have also told you that it is better to hide your emotions than to experience them otherwise that would have required me to stop telling you the tall tales about how allowing feels to ebb and flow is weakness.
I have also led you to believe that it isn’t all right to make yourself a priority or to seek help because keeping your suffering secret has fit into my compacity of understanding strength even though we both know that that is how sadness exists day after day.
Together, you and I have built this life around a cycle of doubt in moments, words and the weather that have never once granted us the grace to make mistakes or to find out how to show up for ourselves in the places that need support.
I am tired of that judgement that has encircled our journey and wish to tell you that I have reached the end of its existence, and so it is with the hope that you desire change as much as I do that, I am writing a letter home.
I know you are afraid but nothing else matters other than going forward together so let’s give it a go with the same quiet courage that we have used right up to this point, just with better information that allows joy to meet us where we are.
Within a seed is a plant that then brings the opportunity for more vegetation to develop from it much like how a single word can artfully develop a whole narration that we will listen to on repeat even though we shouldn’t.
There is no comfort in what we have gotten use to agreeing with and while we are aware that it breaks our hearts, we just can’t seem to say no to those stories that take advantage of our woundedness.
So, we search for something that doesn’t look like we do, that could surely keep the light from dimming but because change is hard to understand as well as to act on, we end up talking to ourselves with words that remain disconnected.
That vulnerability then pushes us to seemingly move our locations and yet that choice of a familiar survival skill doesn’t really produce the results that we hope for, and it certainly doesn’t keep us from wandering further away from taking better care of ourselves.
So, despite those implemented differences, things return to unfolding in disappointing ways in the next moment or the one after that and so on as if transformation has decided to dismiss us over the negative reviews that continue to follow us around.
Every pip that doesn’t function properly makes us see ourselves so differently that we miss out on the actuality of who we are while also shifting our weight to align with the direction of the suffering that easily empties out any other seeds we have.
That group mentality of colorful emotions and phrases takes up space by telling us to accept that they are some sort of haven in our complicated gardens and meeting them again and again validates the belief that we only exist within them.
Looking back, we have survived what we didn’t think we needed to know how to write about, however all we owe the words that have been imprinted on us is to pick which ones to expand our relationship with while letting the others that want the worst for us to fade away.
If we can be this committed to rehearsed narrations that don’t bring comfort, then we can also be the people devoted to becoming the pip of a story that in a valid but different definition means being someone who is liked very much.
Have the best day POSSIBLE for you. Love Always, Heavell
The further away we believe we are from strength’s descriptions, the more we are aware of the war that darkness has with our functioning and it’s in those moments that we feel left out of the idea of what resilience seems to be for others.
How we exist in the truth of the negativity that places us in the corner isn’t even altered by holding onto positivity and we just end up feeling even more vulnerable and disconnected.
And so, we pretend to solve that gap with words and smiles that hide the disarray in our own homes while passing time on pages that don’t take us to where we want to be.
Sorrow will, of course, remain in our hearts as the details of that label are unforgettable, but getting past that which is ordinary is something that we can grow enough around to limit its impact.
So how do we get to the point where we can trust how we work as individuals instead of wishing for different or to even be someone else in our own stories?
It is, after all, very difficult to jump from the consciousness of hearing repetitive words that hurt to the extreme of taking seriously a pattern of terms that we don’t currently resonate with, but we can ease into expanding the experiences of what we already know.
When the dark seems to be copying itself, there is the option to color it over with the understanding that the lighting may be poor, but we are slowly stepping into laying down what has blocked our view of how durable we have actually been.
Once we are comfortable with that simple change, then it is possible to move that newly acquired limitation by recognizing that while it’s still somewhat dim, this pigment is now the proof that the function of vocalizing what oppresses us is becoming our own.
The darkness can keep us from noticing that its messages are made up with things that have no desire to truly see us and with our silence, it appears to have no end, but a lot of how strength has been defined for us leaves out the murkiness that exists along its development.
We can only be dismissed if we leave the community of ourselves, where doing the best that we can is enough as we begin updating our own words as a part of our work of art and learn to ignore the content that fits in with the stories of others.
It feels impossible to imagine different hues when it comes to our suffering but love always invites us to not save or let go of the dark but to work with its different shades until we find the right lighting that doesn’t ruin the ending of the pages that we have yet to turn to.
Have the best day POSSIBLE for you. Love Always, Heavell
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