We are the sometime warriors who carry a thing called hope within our hearts. We take it with us as our swords to battle fire-breathing dragons and to cut a path through the weeds that would keep us from the flowers that we desire. We use it as the tissues that we wipe away our invisible tears of pain with and we feel it as a hug that comforts us because of all of the ways that we have lived life. We sing it loudly in our hearts when our voices are only able to speak as a whisper and we use it as a safety bar across our laps as we speed along on our rollercoaster rides. We feel the warmth of it as a familiar smile on the inside when we feel alone in a room full of people and we vocalize it with the words that evoke that each day our intentions are always viable even if the mystical beast known as will power says that we are not. We use it as the light that we need in order to rearrange what’s in the darkness and to view those out of the blue wins that we never even thought could be found along our walks. We use the strength of it to adjust our plans when a chance of storms shows up and when we are just trying to make it one moment at a time. We take it by the hand as we look to see what’s around the bend, and we listen to it as it reminds us that we are at the very least occasionally brave. We embrace its knowledge that if we fall today, we start right here where we are in this moment and not in any of the places that we have already passed through in the yesterdays. We slowly breathe it in when we need a nudge to believe in ourselves and we lean into the potential of it as well as us when we are ready to move again. We are the sometime warriors who live inside of dreams while navigating journeys that are clearly not just about what we hope for but then what grand stories are ever experienced in the neighborhood of easy trails or have flowers that don’t need the kind of love that lives in so many ways in order to bloom?
Have the best day POSSIBLE for you. Love Always, Heavell
Desires can make you sing at the top of your lungs, and they can also throw you off of a cliff into the darkness but wherever you are, they will always encourage you to view everything that can be found around you. Wants will produce a smile upon your face when you are feeling strong, and they will make you cry when your heart is hurting, but they will sit with you in all the ways that you actually live your life. Wishes will take you sideways and even long ways, but just like you, they infer what’s possible as they move from moment to moment. Dreams will prompt you to look forward while being aware of what’s behind you because they can’t exist without the presence of what has been and what has yet to be in your story. Plans will take you through a chance of storms and help you to find the sunlight, but they will never prevent you from tripping over debris or falling into prickle bushes with each step that you take. Longings for flowers will nudge you to go find them but in a different truth, be cautious, otherwise you might turn and admire someone else’s blooms and think that there is something missing from you. Yearnings may be what you think about, but their mere presence is the actual proof that you are brave and looking for change, but you just aren’t there yet. All of these words are what give hope meaning and together their voices are the reminder to make it your own because it’s not a destination to get to but rather a tool that you carry with you always. So, remember that love lives in so many ways simply because of you and a thing called hope.
Have the best day POSSIBLE for you. Love Always, Heavell
We have included the audio of this post so that you can hear the words spoken to you. Let the words be invited into your heart as a reminder of hope.
How far we feel from the home within us depends upon what we are feeling on the inside and if that connection seems to have been lost, it’s hard to imagine ourselves as being capable of getting through anything even when we really, really want to. Hope is the desire to get to the place where we think happiness is waiting for us, but in order to move the plot towards that want, we have to go through this very moment now with who we are and what we have. Basically, because that is what we are actually working with, our goals and our hope have to be shaped to fit the fluctuations in us and our journey’s debris. Think back to who you believed you were prior to the start of your substance use. Could you have written a story of love about yourself in that place? Now in this very moment, the one where who you are needs to feel safe, what can you say that you love about yourself? It isn’t easy, is it? Finding that support or that heart connection when we are in pain or scared or angry or hanging on is like being captive in a dark cave where the only thing we hear and see is our inner dragon telling us that we can’t and never will. Last week I mentioned the three positions that I have been in as a result of Ryan’s substance use (the non-addict parent, the parent of an addict and now the mother of a deceased child) although those are not the only paths that I have been on in my life. Each has been a just starting experience because I came in with little to no tools in the beginning of all of them and unfortunately despite my hope and my goals, I stayed in that location on the trail for far longer than I should have. I failed, repeatedly, to allow for the adjustment of my wants, my hope and my feelings when things didn’t go as planned whether I was taking steps or not and Ryan did that as well. This is, after all, a so very heavell life and we get sad in beautiful moments, polarize on what happiness is supposed to be and we have doubt even when we can see the sunlight ahead as the chance of storms clears. We are authentic people living epic tales that hurt and, in some moments, we are the sometime warriors and in other ones we fall down while wishing for who we were prior or who we want to be later. The goal was for Ryan to be sober and to live a happy life. He was sober but he didn’t survive so it was a win that included a failure that never was a part of the original idea. That, of course, led to the pain of a thousand piercing prickles which showed itself in the form of one of my dragons known as monstrous anger. You know what else happened? Yeah, I became terrified that one of my other children would die and so I desperately wanted to put them in a cave where they could be in what I felt was a place of safety, with me standing over them as an enraged beast, but what they really needed was to be safe on the inside to feel in all the ways they did in every single moment. Imagine that they are grieving for Ryan while also trying to reassure me that they would be okay while watching me not being all right and also trying to control their paths out of fear. It’s all understandable but what a mess on top of a mess on top of a mess. It’s times like this that we have to be in the moment that we are and that is the real truth for all the ways that we actually live but it’s so very hard to do with rigid wishes or steps that don’t allow for the fluctuations that we experience. Yesterday has things we need to know about who we have been. We also need the hope of the possibilities that can be found in the tomorrows, but neither of those positions is with us right now in this very moment. It’s times like these that remind me that it isn’t just about the flowers or that perceived happiness that’s waiting for us to get there in one more moment or day or whatever. We don’t, however, read the blooms like we should because if we did, we would see that they are found in the win of allowing ourselves to safely feel as we do especially when in the weeds. It’s times like this that as sad as I feel in the loss of Ryan, I am grateful for his addiction, yes, I said that again, because I know myself better in this moment than I ever did prior to. I can’t even begin to imagine what I will find in the tomorrows which is both scary as well as beautiful but always all right either way. This is a rollercoaster ride with dragons, pain, weeds, thorns as well as lots of “flipping out” and each moment can be felt or be seen differently whether we are passing this way again and again or just starting. Work to be safe with you in your home, that heart, so that you can adjust to have the best day POSSIBLE for you no matter the debris or fluctuations. It’s times like this that boxes of tissues are one of the best tools I can take with me as I shape my hope and embrace all the ways that love lives even when they weren’t in the plan. Love Always, Heavell
Imagine that you are writing a story about an ordinary individual whose goal is to finally defeat a specific dragon so that he or she can return home to live a desired life. Think about how that person never envisioned being held for such an extended time by that beast and the challenge will be to use who he or she has become during that captivity rather than the one who had entered that cave oh so long ago. Visualize how the previous failed attempts have affected him or her particularly now that the persona is about to try again. All that individual has been dreaming about is getting back to the place where he or she was, which of course is understandable, but what could be said differently to overcome those feelings of failure? Now replace that story plot with your own. The long-term goal is for you to conquer your particular dragon so what do you think needs to be adjusted for how you are feeling in this very moment? If your battle scars have changed the way you see and believe in yourself, then how will you hold onto the light of your hope as you encounter debris along that trail? I had never been the mother of an addict until Ryan started using substances and it felt like I was trapped right along with him. Of course, I was able to come and go physically from that darkness, but even when I wasn’t in that place, I was breathing it in as if I were. As we know when we are in the midst of a mess, the loud voices of our emotions can turn a moment into forever and a step into walking in circles regardless of our goals. I have never been the mother of a deceased child either until a moment a little more than three years ago made that a reality for me and any growth that I thought I had made disappeared from my sight as my anger grew in power from the pain. You see, I am not a persona in a made-up story and while our details may be different, when it comes to battling real-life dragons every day, any kind of captivity can feel as if we are just starting again and again. Shaping hope means working with who we are right this very minute not who we were nor the goal of who we want to be tomorrow. In other words, the mother of the non-substance user wasn’t really helpful particularly the longer we stayed on that addiction ride and the mother of the addict didn’t know what to say to the mom of the kid who didn’t survive the damage from his prior substance use. I have finally and painfully begun to adjust to that debris found in a so very heavell life. Love lives in so many ways but we falter when we don’t accommodate ourselves with the understanding that “I have never been here before” despite it appearing to be a repeat of yesterday. After all, you are another moment stronger even if you are feeling weaker. We don’t always read flowers as we should because while they appear to be a goal to get to, hope is the flower that we carry with us wherever we are, and we have to shape it to fit what we need when we need it. Today might not be your day, I feel that, but then it just means that it’s the right time to be kind to yourself by sitting with you in that place rather than thinking about who you were or who you should be. A story of love for yourself is often simply accepting you as you are until you are able to move the plot. Be smart with your goals by adjusting your expectations to flow with your proficiency as it fluctuates with your feelings along your sun-lit and debris-filled journey. Each day we are just starting because it might turn out to be the type of day where we need tissues for our tears of pain, or it could be the one where our stomachs hurt from laughing and our tears are from joy. Have the best day POSSIBLE for you. Love Always, Heavell
Stories are never written without the personas having a goal or two because the lack of a dream would seem like those characters were endlessly adrift without the sail of hope and no matter what, we want to cheer and feel empowered through those make-believe adventures as well as the real ones in our own lives. Of course, strength displayed by an individual battling mystical beasts in order to save the village is powerful but underneath that visual are the hazy details of that identity’s conflict that he or she is trying to resolve along the way. When it comes to the clashes with the real dragons that we encounter, our fights don’t illicit cheers from a crowd, and no one is yelling “Behind you!” when one of those nasty creatures sneaks up on us but there also isn’t a window that others can look through to see what is pulling us down into the weeds either. Even the strength that’s felt at the beginning of every kind of journey will weaken in the midst of a long and continuous struggle because it’s an authentic feeling that ebbs and flows just as all of our emotions do. How, then, can we configure our hope so that we can keep reading it when it’s light is dulled by a chance of storms, the magic is missing, and the goal feels like it’s gone awry? During Ryan’s substance use years, the ultimate target was simply but loudly for him to be sober by slaying his fire-breathing dragon and then to move his plot around the bend while carrying the blooms from that win. That specific goal was the right dream, but it confined what was possible by not taking into consideration his internal dissention that was fighting against him alongside that nasty dragon. In other words, it was like saying that the task was to carve a giant tree into a beautifully detailed sculpture while not checking to see if he had the right tools to do so. Clearly, he and I didn’t realize that the lack of the necessary items was as detrimental as the limiting ones were and perhaps that view was made murkier because I was polarized on the objective of sobriety. So, what happened to his hope, and mine for that matter, every single time that he fell? Yeah, it slipped farther and farther away from our sight and even the debris-free moments that were along the way lost their magic although that’s exactly what we should have been turning around to read. Shaping hope begins with a want but when we are exhausted and at our weakest because of dragons or feelings that continue to show up in life, that desire will wander off and we will be left adrift without the sail of hope or the memories that we have proven we are possible even if only in a moment. Shaping hope, then, is allowing your goal or how you will get there to be adjusted because those things were decided without knowing the hazy details of the inner conflict that you are trying to resolve and use as tools while also battling a dragon that appears to be invincible. Change is the slow process of adaption and so is shaping hope so that it is always home in our hearts helping us to find strength as we trip and fall along our trails. It’s not just about the flowers but then we don’t always read flowers in the manner that we should particularly when we are tired of the debris and the grief. Love lives in so many ways so have the best day POSSIBLE for you and remember shaping hope is a work of art in progress just like you are. Love Always, Heavell
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