The Tale of a Smile #232

Whenever characters are triumphant, we are drawn into their celebrations, feeling the same relief and happiness that they do, as if we were observers within the stories rather than an audience reading narratives that were created specifically to hold those details. The same can be said about the emotions that we experience when the parts of those accounts leave the individuals feeling unsure of their abilities to go through and overwhelmed by the thought that they won’t make it, as well as when they lose one or more of their friends on the journeys where the pitch changes into what feels impossible. These are stories where a turn of the page or the next scene or a plot twist is merely a moment before courage will be found through something as simple as one of the characters having a calming smile that reminds the others to believe, but it is also an action that reaches out to nudge our own hearts with the unspoken and yet reassuring sense that we too can overcome even the scariest of dragons or hell in our lives. Grins like that are the type that feel like a giant hug in your heart that you can lean safely into the arms of or the sun that breaks through the clouds streaming warmth and light upon your face on a bitter cold day reminding you that change will eventually enfold you because after all, smiles are never ever just a facial expression or a word on a page. Those looks are a part of what makes a character authentic for us, but it’s the gift of the feeling that we get from them that can also be found in our lives at times from the very people who are in need of that heart touch themselves. In the tale of a smile, the story is about one such powerful and compassionate feature that was often found resting comfortably on the face of an individual named Brian. His smile was the open door to a sensitive person who always had the time and the desire to hear the needs of others. That particular aspect of his helped individuals to lean in and feel at home before he even said a word but when he did speak, his words held the encouragement that his grin had implied lived there. Even his passion for music, his artistic abilities and his love of cars and the repairing of them were things where his realness was able to show through as an invitation for others to join him and to freely express themselves as well. But as we know with all things, a part never equals a whole, there is always a different truth to be viewed, and a smile is never just a smile because within it is the ability to express joy from the inside to the outside or to be used to lift others up or it can be the tool used to hide the pain of the one wearing a grin that so easily puts others at ease. In some ways life is a “show” in which it is far easier to be an observer who cheers and reassures or judges from the side lines, as we do when watching movies, than it is to actually be the character in an epic tale where the details of things like finding strength, overcoming what appears to be a weakness and needing help cannot be located by turning a page or sitting on the edge of your seat until the next scene brings that wished for sigh of relief. It is also harder to perceive, when we are not the one in the midst of it, that a smile or words of encouragement from an individual are not an indication or proof that the person who can share those things with others isn’t also struggling to show up for his or herself. Perhaps it is the vulnerability and the fear of the view into all that we are, especially our messes, that makes it so hard to seek support or maybe it’s those things as well as the thought that to need help is the same as being a failure since we are not those authentic and beloved personas in a novel or the observers of a so very heavell life. Or just maybe it’s that the pitch has yet to throw us off the cliff into the darkness and we are scared we might never get out of that place if we fall. During Ryan’s three-week battle for his life, a nurse used the word stoic to describe me while speaking to others. During that time, I was able to smile and to say encouraging words, especially as I held Ryan’s hand and whispered what I thought he needed to hear into his ear, but there was also a conflict raging in my mind and heart that only I was really aware of. Everything I did at that time was intended to help Ryan and to keep him calm but once he left this world that loud, chaotic and angry wildfire sprang to life leaving me speechless for months as well as unable to seek some sort of support to get through. There were those during that time who periodically touched my heart with quiet and simple words or a text emoji or a smile but most of all it was their patience, as if they were sitting with me, as they waited for me to speak again that helped me to be all right with not being all right. There were also those who pressured me to move on quickly from what hurt, and those actions felt like the expectation that I should close the door on my pain when the real truth is that strength has never been found in the hiding or the denying of what we are experiencing especially since that suffering will always find a way to be heard regardless of what we may use to keep it quiet. In your tale of a smile, are you able to feel the hug of your reassuring grin that you are able to give to others? How does it feel when you sit with that door open to your messes? Sometimes we have to pass this way again and again and again to find the right person, tool, words or smile in order to get all right with not being all right. Be kind and be loud in your tale of a smile especially for yourself. Have the best day POSSIBLE for you and if you or anyone you know could use a reminder to believe along any kind of journey, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline number is 1-800-273-8255 or the NAMI Mental Health Help Line is 1-800-950-6264. Every dream matters whether here or not. Love Always, Heavell

To Amanda and Jason. Thank you for leaving room to be curious about yourself and others because “The Tale of a Smile” was the results of a conversation that began about tattoos. Your love of Brian and his grin continues on in your memories of him as you share what he will always mean to you and others as well as in the music that you listen to because of him and your love of cars, where being real was a place you all felt safe in. We are so very sorry for your loss.

The Pitch #231

All epic tales and journeys are about a person or group who wants and is going through something while carrying the hope that their desire will be achieved. The paths in those stories pass through situations where the highs and the lows create emotionally charged responses authenticating our feelings that help to keep us on the edge of our seats with the intensity of a scene and by bringing a sigh of relief from the moments where being safe provides the opportunity to breathe before beginning again. Even the musical scores of those narratives raise and lower us through the notes and tempos that encourage a nervous response when they represent the fear and danger of a situation as well as when the sound is changed in order to take a triumph in a story and transport the feeling of it into our hearts where we are able to use our voices to express the realness and power of what had merely been a word in a novel. Our emotional responses to things like grand stories or music are authentic because what’s there also lives in all of our moments as we experience a variety of feelings with different levels of intensity based on what we are going through and the place that we happen to be at on the inside while experiencing it. In other words, the pitch that we are at as well as the situation can raise or lower us which can then make us, or the encounter feel like a defining “f” moment or just a part of a whole story. There are times when the memories of Ryan make my heart ache and bring tears of despair and then those same thoughts in another moment will have tears streaming down my face as I laugh until my stomach hurts. Both of those can be considered to be highs because of the intensity that I feel them although one is also a low because of the pain that takes ahold of my heart. Why is it possible for me to feel both ways about the same things and need boxes of tissues in either position? In part it is because of the pitch, or which place I am leaning towards. For instance, if my guilt and regret has decided to show up because it still needs to be heard or it’s been a challenging week in the weeds, then I am bent in one direction and when a different truth makes those tough lessons seem hysterical as the ridiculous pieces of our epic tale then I am sloped in the opposite way. In both positions my field of view is able to bring forth Ryan’s twinkling blue eyes and huge smile as if he had just flashed them at me a second ago and while it always feels like a bear hug in my heart, it can either make me smile or plummet me off a cliff into the darkness. What things can make you feel both ways? Have you noticed that your triggers feel more powerful at certain times than they do in other ones? Do you believe that it defines you as being impossible or are you able to view that your pitch and the one of the situations is what gives the appearance of that making going through or staying sober even more challenging? Or how about the fact and the opinion that flowers and the achievement of a goal can fade from the light when the intensity of the pitch is overwhelming? One of the things that I have learned from Ryan’s years of substance use and especially from his death is that it is always all right for me not to be all right but it’s what I do in whichever place I am in that determines how this is going to go as well as the time I am going to stay there. Being able to understand that about myself has helped me to perceive of how challenging and painful not only Ryan’s substance use was but his sobriety as well because this is life with the pitch that has all the authentic highs and lows that live in and outside the lines. Leave room within yourself to be curious about why you are feeling as you do because when you lean into the pitch, the power of it becomes yours to decide rather than the situations or even the intense emotions that are breathing there. There will always be moments where you “flip out” in your way, so hear and feel that. There will also be ones, even the very same ones, where you will be able to laugh until your stomach hurts from the entertaining scenarios in your kind of life. So, pardon the weeds because the pitch keeps us on the edge of our seats, makes things as well as us feel impossible but also allows us to breathe before beginning again. Have the best day POSSIBLE and be kind to the sometime warrior who is battling mystical creatures in an epic tale where it’s definitely not just about the flowers. Love Always, Heavell