To hope is to believe in the possibilities of ourselves but when the force of change has enfolded us, the struggles that are a part of transformation make fear feel stronger than those fleeting moments where we are optimistic about our abilities to achieve what we desire. Our wish is that we will outlast whatever it is we are fighting against, so that we may eventually find ourselves in the flowers. However, if the fight carries on and we fall repeatedly in the process, hope will step farther away from our view and disbelief will cause us to doubt that we are able to go somewhere even when we have actually moved just a little closer with each type of movement. Maybe our difficulty of understanding what it takes to change lies in the time required to fight for anything worth fighting for or it’s that overcoming something is a painful process that requires us to alter who we are or possibly it’s just the fact that we have to grapple in the weeds on our trails to begin with. Perhaps, though, the real truth is that the transformation we need has its’ own terms of an agreement, and often they feel so unbelievably unfair that we struggle with desiring it while not wanting to go through it. I am notorious for believing that there has to be an easier route to something, skipping steps along the way, while at the same time being completely aware in other moments that the details always matter. The difference between the two has been in my taking my time in what I am comfortable with versus rushing through and ignoring the things that have felt uncomfortable as well as painful. Change is intimidating but it feels so much scarier when we are brawling within ourselves as we attempt to overcome whatever has a hold on us. When we add others into the melee, things can really get complicated and definitely appear to be impossible especially when our fear or theirs is the loudest voice being heard. So, what if part of the issue is that our fighting and struggling is keeping us walking in circles regardless of the hope for a different outcome each time, we pass this way again? What if we were to take a significant look at the details of ourselves, to understand them, so that we are actually moving with what’s there rather than grappling with it or even denying it? In other words, it’s time to take a breather from the storm and to sit down with all that you are because when it comes to change, you are enough to go somewhere better with yourself rather than wishing that it will somehow just show up to embrace you. Unexpected beauty, the kind that takes time in the shade, is found in the acceptance and the honesty of you as you are right now in this moment, which includes all of your yesterdays as well as your ever-present ability to turn any of your weeds into flowers, today or in the tomorrows, through fondness and safety for yourself. Imagine then, that it’s not that we should hope for a so heavell life to be just with us but rather that we should be fair with ourselves as we live our rides sometimes well and in other moments in the weeds while always carrying what’s possible too. Change is about welcoming the person that you are becoming because of what has been and what has yet to be, but the journey to different isn’t simple nor easy. Go somewhere with yourself, other than a new location on the outside of you, and while you are there, try sharing a little kindness and forgiveness with the perfect person to enfold you. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
You know those familiar thoughts where you give value to the idea that if only you hadn’t stepped where you have or if somehow things had gone a different way, you wouldn’t be in the place that you are now and you wouldn’t be who you have become? Well, it’s time to take a breather from those kinds of views because as much as we like to focus on the beliefs that we should have or could have done this in some other manner that just might have positioned us in a field of flowers, there is much to be said about sitting down with ourselves while noticing all that exists and is possible as the results of what has been done. Any weed can still become a flower if it helps you to move your knowledge of what fondness, safety and forgiveness has meant to the ones that help you to show up for you today. In other words, be kind to the person that you are actually living your life with since your particular beauty needs more time to be understood and to bloom. What we feed will be what is strongest within us, keeping us in one place even when we change locations, until we use everything that we are, including our messes, to go through. After all, we may have fallen into the darkness in moments, but we are not failures because of those series of movements. Take a breather and have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
“We don’t live in the should haves or could haves, we live in the have dones” Taylor, M.A. L.A.C.
This so very heavell life can bring unexpected experiences into our lives that continue to cause our hearts to hurt or even cry, despite the passing of time and or the moving of locations. Those specific features of ours can have an isolating effect on us even when we are linked with others who have had similar encounters on their journeys’ or find ourselves in a room full of people. There are moments when we need to be able to say how we are feeling, to just be heard, until the ride of the pain eases and we can breathe again. At other times, we need to be given the replies that help us to not feel as if we are somehow failing ourselves and or others by experiencing our emotions as or when we do. The facts and the opinions are that in any given moment, someone somewhere is adding to what that person is already holding or plummeting into an unfamiliar darkness where pain as well as fear will take hold of his or her heart. We can absolutely feel that individual’s loss of breath through the memories of our own encounters even when our stories are completely different. We have all felt the familiarity of that hurt, and yet its’ presence is so uncomfortable and such an inconvenience that we are encouraged to deny that we have. The real truth about any kind of pain is that it doesn’t take a lot for it to become illuminated. It has the power to take the small things like a thought, a memory, a smell or even a moment that starts out with laughter that makes our stomachs hurt and fling open the door to what is hidden behind it. It can become very loud and angry when it finds agreement or even conflict with others and it can also immobilize us with its’ force because after all, it is always enfolding us in the most unwelcoming ways just like change does. It’s no wonder, then, that we would rather be amongst our flowers and to keep door closed but when we give a significant look to what can be found in the weeds, often hidden amongst them is the chance, the possibility, of the most beautiful flowers that just need the time and the belief to grow in the ways that only they can. Last week I was in the audience at a Walter Trout concert. He is a renowned blues legend with several album and song of the year awards as well as being an incredible guitarist. He is also a recovered addict who received a liver transplant in 2014 after cirrhosis of his liver from alcohol and substance use almost cost him his life. During his recovery from that donation, he suffered brain damage, was unable to recognize his own family for a period of time and had to relearn how to walk, talk and play his guitar again. Since that time, he has released an album, Battle Scars, based on his experiences and the traumas as well as the love of his wife, Marie. In 2021 he released the blues song of the year called All Out of tears, cowritten with his wife and blues artist Teeny Tucker. That song was created in honor of Teeny’s son who died and how the loss of him left her eyes with no more tears but her heart is still crying. As I listened to his music and his words during that show, I was reminded of Ryan’s addiction, the battles for his life, the traumas of those times and of course the loss of him that has left my heart still crying today even when it can’t be seen on the outside of me. Despite the differences in our stories, I imagined the places that all of them have been to and how difficult it is to breathe at those sites. From there, my thoughts turned towards the beauty of the flowers that come from the darkness in our lives when we move our views to see what else is in the weeds. Within the loss of life, for example, the opportunity exists for someone else to live through organ donation. Inside trauma and pain is the potential for the understanding and the recognition of how suffering effects not only us but others as well and how it can continue to breathe long after it has occurred or despite a change of location or as a force in our “flipping out”. Take a substantial look at what has been for you because while what’s there might hurt, but it also holds the possibility of creating the beauty that is meant to be yours; the kind that can’t be located in what’s easy. Then take a substantial look around you to see that you are never ever really alone but rather surrounded by others who, in their series of movements, are finding their way just as we each are as we go through on our own trails. Take the opportunity to listen to Walter Trout’s music, especially the song All Out of Tears. Words matter and his expressions may be the replies that help you to believe that it’s all right to not always be all right and that eventually you can change it but only in your matter of time. Have the best day possible for you by being kind and safe within you. Love Always, Heavell
The strength that is exerted upon us by our thoughts and feelings or even just the meaning of words can keep our view in a position that encourages us to believe that those things are in fact strong enough to hold us and prevent our movement. That particular force, another “f” word that is very persuading to us, is continually in motion and impacts where we comfortably set the things that we trust about ourselves especially those unsafe pieces. It’s as if the familiarity of what unwanted items such as falls and darkness have been valued as in one honesty is preventing us from realizing that in a different truth, those messes are the objects that are able to push us towards the safety and the fondness, also known as the change, that we need to find. Those very things that appear to define us in ways we hate are also the ones that when placed in a different position and viewed for all that they are, can open the door to what’s possible but a belief has kept us from realizing that we can move the location of whatever we need to. Imagine, if you will, a place in the light where only a certain type of flower grows and that field, in that moment, defines the meaning of beauty. Eventually, though, you notice another field that is shaded, and has a lot of weeds, where different kinds of flowers flourish too. You can see how those weeds help to fertilize the flowers, making them stronger, and that the shade allows them to develop in their matter of time. A loveliness lives there in the details of that location as well as in the place of a certain type of flower and both are a part of the force that moves beauty so that it is never limited to one thing nor excludes something just because it’s messy, different or requires more time and or work. Courage is another term where we have established that it only occurs in a particular kind and to have it, you can never be or never have been scared or weak and yet strength exists in many different forms that can be found in all the ways that we live any kind of life just as fear does. When we limit our views, for example, on what a word or an experience or a fall means, we ensure that we don’t have a chance at change because to transform a part, the whole has to show up and be willing to try something that might not work while perceiving that it is still an essential part of the force that is attempting to grow our fondness for ourselves and the belief in our possibilities. Could you sit down for a moment, then, and pick one term or moment and move it from where you, yourself, have been forcefully holding it and apply it here instead as a piece of your series of movements that is developing you over your matter of time? Or are you more comfortable with believing that if you keep it where it is, you will be safe enough and if so, is that what you really want or is it that you are afraid that your strength and courage, your power of how you apply what is yours to carry, will fail you? It took years for me to understand that Ryan’s addiction was the force that was pushing us to take each dreaded “f” moment and apply it here instead of keeping it where it could continue to feed the pain and impossibilities. I can still hear Ryan telling me to be “grateful for the lessons mom, especially the tough ones” and in the yesterdays that thought infuriated me because as a hold out on change, I didn’t want to or think I needed to and yet today I am so very thankful for our moments in the darkness that painfully opened doors to what really lives in the messes and how the place that we apply those items determines what continues to be. You can move whatever you need to in order to use it as what nourishes the beginning of new flowers or you can continue to apply it here, where it is now, trusting what’s comfortable and familiar even if you hate it. After all, the weight of the world, moments, words, thoughts and feelings are what matter in the place that needs us most and it takes courage and strength to keep it in the same position just as much as it does to change the understanding of them and to apply them differently. Be loud and be kind because it takes a lot of force to create the beauty that only you can and it will always be in the most unwelcoming, falling and doubt invoking ways. Have the best day possible for you and if you are scared just say so because if you move your view, you will see that it is the voice of courage even though it appears to be the one of weakness but of course that’s just another different but very real truth about the things that live and breathe in us and around us. Love Always, Heavell
When we are in the shade of our messes or those that belong to others, the uncertainty and the truth of what lives there can feed the hell of fear and pain, creating doubt about ourselves, and prevent the change that we hope for. In some of those moments we will try to keep our view on the favorable items that can be found around us, the flowers, while at other times we will hide the fact and the opinion that we are positive about being in the weeds and only pretending to be all right. Our attempts at having happy thoughts can help us hold on or encourage others too but in a different truth they can also leave the user feeling as if he or she is failing once again when what hurts is all that can be experienced in the midst of hell or if things don’t change despite those positive thoughts. In other words, finding good things in the darkness is an act of courage and strength but the application of bravery and power is actually strongest in our leaning in and breathing while saying that we are not or not always all right. How often do we really want the inconvenience of that real truth, though, when it feels so much better to be amongst the beauty of flowers? Take a moment and think about the times in which you didn’t feel heard. What details do you remember about those experiences? How did they feel within you back then and do you experience those same emotions today when you again feel disregarded? What, if anything, have you done to be home with those emotions even if no one else has perceived of you? Now turn around and think of the encounters where you didn’t want to hear what an individual had to say or to take the time to sit with a person that needed someone to show up for him or her. What response did you use to move away from what you didn’t desire? Did you choose to cope that way because it was an inconvenient moment, you were afraid of the darkness, you didn’t understand, you just didn’t want to, you shouldn’t have to or because of all of those things? How is what you have experienced similar as well as different from how others have encountered you? When I pass this way again, I can see that there were many moments in the yesterdays’ where I wanted Ryan to be himself as long as what that meant didn’t create problems or make me uncomfortable which was really the hidden and yet very loud message that it was better for him to be who I thought he should be rather than who he really was. That is to say that what I had wanted to be in the light was just his flowers, but transformation is about illuminating the things that we don’t want in the most inconvenient, doubt invoking and unwelcoming ways. Have you ever experienced others wanting you to be what they believe is suitable? How did that feel? In order to implement the change that we need, we have to feel safe with and have fondness for who we are, accepted in our distressing moments in the weeds, but that’s never easy to do when we are affecting others and they are influencing us. If you can imagine a place like this, then you can look around and see that change is always enfolding us while we are consistently trying to control how it occurs as well as who and what it entails because otherwise, we don’t actually want it regardless of what we say. If I could go back, I would choose to easily sit right down in those weeds with Ryan, with boxes of tissues, so that both he and I would have known that it was all right to not be fine in every moment of our journeys. I would also recognize that things like pain and fear or even doubt are really the series of movements that are leading us to discover just how possible we really are, but we have to move our field of view to find that. This is me, an “f” moment maker while also being a hold out against change until being positive about being in the weeds became a place to be home with in my so very heavell life. Take a look around at your moments and see that your application of courage and strength has you determined to believe that you don’t hold either and that they only live in the flowers when the real truths are that you do have those abilities and those things have never ever been needed nor found in the light. It’s good for you to be home in the place that needs you most so show up and sit with all that you are because it’s in that spot that you will find the particular definition of beauty that is meant to be created and held by only you. Be kind, be loud and be positive that weeds, darkness and dreaded “f” moments can feed your flowers just as much as they have been able to feed your hell. After all, you do have a way about you and so do your words. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
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