Our words matter as the expressions of the hidden details of how we each have come together and yet also enfolded within those particulars is often the desire to not have what can be found there, at least some of it, even though we wouldn’t be who we are without those very things. Perhaps we feel that way because the light, which seems to easily live elsewhere, appears to be more significant over there than what can be found in our own homes or maybe it’s that in order for things to become different from what already exists, we have to change and that is often a difficult and or painful process that isn’t easily applied. It is also possible, though, that our wish to be seen as a certain type of value has encouraged us to believe that if we have weeds, we are a failure even though those things are the perfect materials that, when applied with safety and fondness, create and nourish the beauty that we are each meant to develop because of them. When I pass this way again, I can see how my administration of the darkness, whether mine or others, supported walking in circles and kept my view on what seemed to be the lush fields that belonged to others. For Ryan, the manner in which he applied the weeds found on his trail meant that he believed in the significance of that darkness as a reflection of who he was and he carried that thought with him wherever he went and as the justification to lie down as well. If you can imagine either place, then you can understand that even if it seems as if we are going somewhere, our view will remain on the same things, seeking them out, and we will continue to find what we always have if the implementation of what we are carrying doesn’t transform as well. In other words, we have been going that way for so long that it is far easier to continue doing so in the safety of what we know then it is to find ourselves with the possibility of being lost and scared, unable to breathe, in an unfamiliar place where the weeds could keep us from ever getting out of them. You also have a way about you that is significant and it’s not that you don’t have courage or strength but rather that how you have been applying them is keeping you in your particular position with the belief that it is safer to be there or even that it is where you belong. Turn around because in a different truth, the things that you don’t want are the materials that help to build the specific beauty that you are meant to define. Be loud in who you are because there is no one better than you to show up to pick your weeds as well as smell your flowers, embracing both, on your journey. My word for this week is thankful because if it weren’t for both Ryan’s and my dreaded “f” moments, as well as those that belong to others along the way, I would still be in the same place believing that safe enough was all right, that the light never fades what lives in it, particularly in those other fields, and that the darkness couldn’t possibly be the illumination of the beginning of a new flower. Have the best day possible for you because you have a way about you but to see that you have to love you where you are while knowing that it is just the step before you apply the best materials needed to expand your field of view in order to go through. What word would you choose to express the most fondness for your sometime warrior who falls down, doesn’t appear to be brave and is still learning why terms and the application of what they hold matters? Oh hell, let’s grab some boxes of tissues for the moments where we cry and the ones that make us laugh until our stomachs hurt so that we can be easy on ourselves in the process of any kind of life because our rides and we ourselves will always enfold more than we wish for. Be kind to the person that you are living this life with. Love Always, Heavell
Words have multiple layers and because of that they can be confusing in how we understand and feel about them as well as what we listen to when others say what they need to say. When we think of the word move, we view it as the act of advancing towards the next destination or something better but just because we are shifting to somewhere else, focusing on going forward, it doesn’t mean that transformation lives there. In other words, the process of progress most often includes having to move back towards our weeds where the things that are staying close to us have been defined before we can understand and add on to those items in order to use them differently today. Move and change are interchangeable terms that at times are just a step on a trail but in other crucial moments the details of them enfold falling into the darkness as the painful experiences that expand our view of the things that makes us who we are whether alone, in a room full of people and or surrounded by messes. Have you ever had to transform a major part of yourself? If you did, how did it feel all the way through it? Was it effortless or multi-layered with falls backwards and steps forward? Has it remained or have you returned to what was familiar in the yesterdays because it feels so easy to do that? My first acknowledged experience with the need for change came through Ryan’s addiction but it wasn’t until I was aware that I had to move myself that the power of being safe enough became the understanding of my walking in circles for far too long. If you can imagine a place like that then you can see my movement forward while remaining the same and never actually getting anywhere. The fact and the opinion is that in the process of my transformation, it was impossible for me to advance without going back and perceiving of how I came to be in that particular place to begin with. My fear and pain had a way of being unwelcoming to real change by implying that the repeating of what was familiar was safer than finding myself in a destination where I would feel uncomfortable and lose the person that I have always known as myself. When I pass this way again I can see how Ryan felt the same way about moving away from what he had become close to. To move or to change does imply our leaving behind the things that we don’t want, in a sense to forget parts of ourselves and what we felt about them, but it’s not actually possible to do that because whatever has been will always be with us wherever we go. To transform, then, is really about adding new details to our understanding of those moments especially the dreaded “f” ones. Perhaps if Ryan and I had turned around, we would have seen that the very determination and justification we were using to keep us in those specific places of familiarity would have worked just as well in our encounters of the unknown but when we are in the midst of anything it is all but impossible to breathe let alone perceive of how our words matter as a reflection of the experiences that we are living our rides with. Your words matter because they enfold the hidden specifics of you, keeping those multiple layers close, so that you can smell your flowers or move in circles or plummet into the weeds as well as transform your pain into what propels you into the unfamiliar while holding the hands of fear and courage. Simply be kind and easy with yourself with the understanding that both of those terms are more about the development of fondness and safety in the complexity of a so very heavell life just as to move or to change is really about expanding views on the inside rather than a different destination on the outside where transformation that stays can rarely be found. I wonder, if you could choose a word that matters to you, which one would say the most? Mine would be love because it illuminates leaning in to hear in order to show up for ourselves and others particularly in the messes that have been keeping us in the same place despite the appearance of advancement. I am learning to keep that word where I can feel it as an important part of my finding forgiveness and trust for myself in all of my moments that hold regret and grief so that I can go through and do this better. Have the best day possible for you because what has been the weeds of yesterdays can still become the flowers of today or even tomorrow with the understanding of why words matter to each of us. Love Always, Heavell
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