Change is something that is always enfolding us as we add experiences in any kind of life even when today holds the familiarity of yesterday. We hope that transformations will occur while we are in a position of comfortableness but since it most often never ever occurs that way, our desire for what is familiar encourages us to repeat cycles or to go back to what we know while wishing to find something different in the same place. Substitution, however, is a series of movements through feelings of being unsafe and the pain while hearing the loud voices of fear telling us that it is impossible for us to become different or that it won’t lead to better if we have to hurt to get there. It’s in those particular thoughts and feelings, then, that we can perceive that change has to be something unwelcoming before it can eventually evolve into what we embrace within ourselves. After all, it’s a complicated ride in hell that has never ever indicated that it would be easy or kind because it’s not just the stopping of a behavior but rather the changing of weeds into flowers to prevent going back to what’s familiar. At one point, while Ryan and I were outside on a beautiful day, he turned and asked “why did I lose myself for so long mom?” I had the simple answer in my thoughts that it was because of those tricky drugs and since the relief of being back in the flowers felt so safe and easy, I didn’t feel the need to look beyond what was just in front of me so my response was that “it only mattered that he was here now” Later I thought about that examination of himself and how if he had looked only one way, he could have effortlessly fallen again because grief and regret are powerful enough to do that to any of us. In fact as well as opinion, they had been a part of his relapses in the yesterdays because memories are a funny thing and our weeds are far more powerful in their presence than our flowers are; with and without the reminders from others. The matter of time it takes to get out of that darkness is complicated by so many details as a whole but the pain that is before each of us individually can feed that hell again and again and again in such an unfriendly way that it’s no wonder why it takes us so long to go through a place where we are breathing in the fear and feel alone. In order to exchange what we have for something else, though, we have to find the beauty in those weeds otherwise we will continue to carry the weight of the world that can, in any given moment, cause us to fall or to relapse. However, even when change does find us, there are times when the resulting substitution isn’t all that we had hoped for but there is still a strength that we need to lean in to hear and to hold on to. Ryan transformed his “flipping out” in life into looking in the mirror to see and feel his pain, finding forgiveness for himself as well as others as he evolved, but within his process of what hurt and the eventual beauty and strength that came from it was also the replacing of a strong body with one that was weak and unable to withstand serious illness. In my series of movements, the simple story is that I went from being a mother of a son to being one of an addict, then to a mom of a recovered one and now I am living as the mom of a dream that is no longer here. My process has not ended but continues on as I discover what has failed to hold safety, love and forgiveness for myself. I am evolving those items with the help of knowing what those personal emotional definitions mean to me today versus what they held in the yesterdays but of course this is also a journey in the weeds and sometimes I just want to be where it’s effortless to breathe. In other words, we are always being enfolded by change and most definitely in unwelcoming ways but we are also the ones who can imagine a place where our collections of things, particularly the dreaded ones, are the moments before we view how the darkness is a hidden detail whose purpose is to enable beauty, strength and even superpowers. When thinking of you, then, being able to love you where you are rather than where you want to be or believe you should be is a step towards understanding and friendship for yourself as a part of the unkind process of substitution. As I pass this way again, I imagine a place in this so very heavell life where every dream matters because without their illumination of what needs to be dealt with, weeds would continue to appear to be the things that should be hidden and the definitions for terms such as trust, fondness and forgiveness would remain in a field of view that is limited. Can you imagine a place where impossible becomes I’m-possible as love and safety for yourself show up even when you are in the darkness and scared? Oh hell, I am going to be all right in the weeds but if I find that I am carry the weight of the world as I look both ways, lots of tissues and funny memories that make me laugh until my stomach hurts will help me to remember to breathe in brave. Have the best day possible for you with kindness and wherever you go, may you imagine a place where you can go through with the all of you. Thank you. Love Always, Heavell
The best features of our flowers are found in how they make it simple for us to see beauty, to breathe in hope and to have a friendship with ourselves. In that particular place of comfortableness and positivity, love is easy because they are, after all, a celebration of our desired things. However, when we leave that site and find ourselves confined in what we don’t want, the door closes on what safety and fondness is for ourselves. Why is that? How can we feel possible in one moment or place and then perceive of only being objectionable because of a different one? Is it that what flowers represents makes us believe that we can only be safe and loved in their light? Or is it being in the weeds and the matter of time it takes to get out of them or is it that memories are a funny thing or perhaps its both that can change what we feel for ourselves? Or just maybe it’s all of those items plus so much more that pushes friendship with ourselves into the shadows. As Ryan stepped towards and fell into the use of tricky substances, his flowers withered and once he was in that place there were others in his life that completely forgot that he had ever had any flowers to begin with as well. I imagine that my focus on handing him his value was in part because of the fact that while those celebrations were no longer seen they still existed regardless of any opinions that said otherwise. The details or reasons for why Ryan and the others behaved in that manner are what separates them but what brings them together while still not being together is the unity of turning away from him while he was in the darkness. Sobriety, as we know, is a painful series of movements that start, stop, speed off and plummet and then repeat themselves all over again and again because it is a ride on a rollercoaster in hell not a stroll in the flowers where safety and love are easy. It is a “flipping out” in any kind of life and once there, getting out is as tricky as those substances are but there is the hope that change is possible. Ryan’s journey in those weeds was a long one that also held periods of beauty and belief but unfortunately from the start and to the end those others continued with their same view even when he was no longer in that particular place. When I pass this way again, I have to wonder how much did those specific perceptions, as well as those from the others we encountered along the way, continue to feed the very hell we wanted to end as well as actually delayed the possibility of his transition. It’s easy to think that at times my steps as his scared out of my mind mother empowered his substance use, of course they did, but in a different and yet still very real truth so did his encounters with those who failed to remember his ever having any flowers and those who assumed he never did. The question is, then, what role did those experiences play in helping to keep him in that place as well as to go back there again and again as a part of the circle, the cycle, of substance use? When someone has lost his or her safety and fondness on the inside, our words and actions can either encourage possible or enable the impossible; effecting the changes that we want as well as the ones we don’t. We can’t do it for them but we don’t need to choose to make getting out of the weeds any harder than it already is. Ryan was well aware of every dreaded “f” moment that he ever had whether real or imagined. Those things were a part of his falling to begin with and then coping through substances as he continued to try and keep the door closed on the pain. He didn’t need to be reminded of them because he lived and breathed them in every moment of every day. He didn’t need me to point out his flowers because their beauty was faded in his field of view and those two different perceptions kept us separated when what we needed was for us to be together. It was essential for Ryan to find forgiveness for himself for having “flipped out” in his so very heavell life that was a hell of a ride in the weeds, not just from his substance use, but that felt impossible when others only reminded him of his darkness. That is not saying that there weren’t things that needed to be dealt with because there were but the change that we wanted had a far better chance with all of the parts transforming than with just one or some. Ryan, of course, still had to want to whether we did or not and he did, as did some off us as well, but that ride was in part harder and longer because of the “flipping out” by others with different perceptions. The value of the hurt and the opportunity for understanding that it provides about ourselves as well as for others has never ever been easy to recognize, especially when in the midst of it, but they are defining details of safety and love that help us to believe we are possible no matter where we are in our series of movements. Trust, fondness, friendship, fun, hope and even beauty are some of the best features of our showing up for ourselves and for others but they don’t stop existing just because the illumination of something else has pushed them into the shadows where they will stay until transformation has the chance to lift those items back up. It’s not that we can’t have gray lines in order to be safe and to have fondness for ourselves but it is that we can do so while also being able to love them where they are and not just when we are laughing until our stomachs hurt or smelling flowers or are comfortable. This is me and while the stories and the reasons may separate us, we still go somewhere together in our responses to any kind of life and within that there is understanding and friendship if we sit and lean in to hear. Be loud and be kind because there is still time for change to be what we desire even though pain has a way of making us believe we are only safe and loved in the light of flowers. Have the best day possible for you and if memories are a funny thing for you, remember to love them where they are as you look both ways at your collection of things. Love Always, Heavell
Change is a word that is defined by the desire for things to be different through progress but what’s not there is the particular that we wish for it to occur while we are in a place of comfortableness even though we know that by remaining there, we will continue to find what we already have regardless of the hope that we wont. Is it the fear of the unknown that makes stepping towards development so difficult or is it our trust of what is familiar that encourages us to believe that it is safer to stay where we are and wait for blooming to locate us? Or is it that what that term actually holds is not the desire to go forward but instead to go back to a simpler time where what has been done felt like it was enough? Or perhaps it’s that transformation has already occurred, one that has created doubt and fear, so we now need the return of what we had confidence in in order to actually believe that change, the one we want, is possible? In other words, we want to advance without having to consider that change is actually a series of movements in the weeds where the pain can eventually evolve into what moves us forward and that flowers are not the proof of having never fallen but are merely the reminders to trust in our abilities to go through in our matter of time. When I look both ways at what I was thinking and feeling during Ryan’s substance use, I can see that I actually feared him changing unless it was going to be into what I wanted. Memories are a funny thing and they were a part of my pressuring Ryan to ignore or get over what he was feeling and while it definitely seemed reasonable at that time, it only worsened an already hell situation. During his sober time we talked about my inability to lean in to hear him and he reminded me that I was behaving as best as I could under the circumstances. Please go back and read that line again and feel his forgiveness for me. A superpower in his process of change but still not strong enough to prevent my falls from the pain in my steps. At no point during his substance use did I perceive that his “flipping out” was the illumination of his pain and yet he was able to recognize my hurt; and not just in the things that he was a part of. He was far more understanding and forgiving of me as well as others than we had been of him but then that was where he was at in his transformation. It wasn’t until Ryan died that I really understood how our feelings of safety are effected when others only want to show up for the parts that they want or wish to have someone just go back and be who he or she was before pain implemented dreaded change. The constraint of those desires on me today has felt as if I can’t be all that I am, not accepted as a whole and only wanted when I am fun and fabulous or at least appear to be, which has in turn only increased the volume of my pain. If I could go back, if I could pass that specific way again, I would open the door to the messes and sit down in order to better understand him and myself but then it’s hard to view that until we are ready to bloom which is never when we are in the midst of it. Change, then, is not just the act of stopping a behavior or being in comfort or only for others nor defined by time. It is the painful process of discovering how love, trust and fear evolve along all of our journeys while we are together and not together; falling and rising in any given moment. It’s knowing that regret, grief and forgiveness as well as saying “I am sorry” are not just for others but are a part of the process of showing up for ourselves. It’s being scared while also perceiving that courage is waiting right there too for the moment when we are ready to breathe and look both ways. Mostly, though, it’s recognizing that change is often not easily seen, done or felt despite what we believe, at least not for awhile, and that it can also happen in a split second or over a lifetime or fail and it can even be delayed by the very things that we hope will help advance it as well as be exactly what we don’t want. Change, after all, is more than than the view of forward progress because it also has the ability to be a facilitator of doubt and fear as well as impossibilities. Rarely, if ever, do we feel safe and loved in the process of it and those things are a part of the why we desire to go back. When thinking of you, do you feel any of that? Oh hell, memories are a funny thing and if I am being straight with myself, I still hate some of the parts that had to be in order to move us forward but I am also thankful for the tough lessons and especially for Ryan. Every dream matters whether here or not as being an essential part of change and we shouldn’t go back because of and for them as well as ourselves. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
Each dreaded “f” moment has a life of it’s own and the experience of feeling our way through their darkness seems impossible not just because of those messy episodes but also from our stories becoming something other than what we thought would be. Our imagination will twist and turn through each event as it envisions what should have been while our hearts will feel any resulting doubt, pain and fear as a confirmation of our failure or someone else’s for that matter. One of the particulars that kept me repeating cycles with Ryan were my recollections of who he had been as well as who I envisioned he would be. There was real truth in those thoughts but they were also a limited field of view made up of my facts and opinions that left out not just some of the details that he held but also the consideration of their impact within him. Those types of perceptions provide us with a desired comfortableness as well as a some sense of security but when things don’t go as planned, because that’s life, those ideas keep us walking in circles. In other words, it is far easier for us to continually look back at what we wanted then it is to adjust and look both ways in order to find the possibilities of today that are hidden in what has now become a part of the journey. As Ryan and I passed that way again and again during his years of substance use, I repeated the same exact limiting thought with every step, that this time he would perceive of what I saw and do as I say, despite “the again” actually being the illumination of what still needed to be seen and heard. Obviously my reminiscing of him was the hope that my view would remind him of who I believed he was but in a different truth it wasn’t the acceptance of the all of him that was before me and being in that safe place of mine was helping to prevent us from finding the uncomfortable position of understanding where change actually begins. Memories are a funny thing because they can require boxes of tissues as they make us laugh until our stomachs hurt but they also have the strength to immobilize us by limiting our view or by creating doubt about ourselves and others or anything that we thought we had safely perceived of. After all, trust, fondness, kindness and showing up are easy to believe in when looking at flowers but in the darkness their actual strengths and possibilities can only be found in the place that no one aspires to be in; also known as the weeds. This is me and I am a “f” moment maker. My memories are a funny thing because there are times when I thought I was being fabulous but the opinion or perhaps even the fact was that I was bringing hell but if I look both ways, I am also a sometime warrior who just happens to fall down along the way. When that happens I have learned to sit with myself and to lean in to hear and feel what needs to be so that I can eventually get up. It’s good to be home in the place that needs me most because the particulars of safety and love begin with my showing up for and accepting all of me especially in my dreaded “f” moments. Can you imagine, then, how Ryan’s substance use helped me to see that I needed that for myself? Or how the memory of my trying to hand Ryan his value when my own wasn’t clear has the ability to make me laugh today even though it held grief in the yesterdays? Oh hell, it’s easy to think that addiction is about just one thing or even just the addict when it is really defined by so many details that are often unseen like memories and those personal emotional definitions as well as fear and pain illuminated in different types of “flipping out” or even by what we believe safety and love mean. So when thinking of you, are your memories a funny thing too? Is it possible for you to laugh, at least every so often, at what use to hurt because you are all right with all of you? Have the best day possible for you and as you pass this way again, do so with the knowledge that falls are the place that superpowers are illuminated and you have to look both ways to see them but if today just isn’t the day, then perhaps you can safely view them in the next go round. Love Always, Heavell
The light, which is a part of the creation of things such as flowers, also has the ability to fade or to weather all sorts of items whereas darkness isn’t just the absence of light but also holds the particularly effective feature of illuminating what we need to take a look at again and again. It’s all of the details, rather than just one or two descriptions, that help us to look both ways especially when we are trying to solve something. We can, for instance, feel that someone is beautiful while at the same time that individual can believe that our opinion is not the correct view of his or her self. We can recognize the fabulous parts of a person while his or her perception is only of the failures or the things that make him or her impossible. We can also believe that a person is solely a reflection of his or her “f” moments and that individual may accept that opinion as a fact as well or in a different truth that someone may desperately want to be seen for being so much more but the outside isn’t able to value anything other than weeds. Because the possibilities of definitions can go in so many directions, understanding and believing in our encounters is an important part of being able to go through this so very heavell life. “Flipping out” is also one of the phrases that changes direction depending upon the who and the why. It is the very loud voice of pain expressing itself through extreme anger or even fear in undesirable ways. We decide the worth of that suffering and then the resulting reactions to it with the belief that some details make that act of losing control defendable while in a different story they do not. In other words, I was allowed to behave in that manner because Ryan was using substances but he wasn’t because it was wrong to use stuff regardless of the why. While it was the real truth that he shouldn’t have used those things to cope, that limited view or focusing in on that specific detail kept me from seeing that it was still a way of “flipping out” in any kind of life. There are a variety of reasons for why we lose control on our journeys and whether we agree or not in doing so, that behavior is the illumination of pain that needs help in order to transform. When I turn around and look at the yesterdays, I can see that I broke down a lot, hello pain, while being on my ride and it wasn’t just because of Ryan. So if I did why not Ryan as well even though his particular expression wasn’t desirable? His weeds as well as the worth of them had to be acknowledged and they were going to be seen in whatever manner that they could whether we wanted it or not. What he needed all along was for me to lean in to hear what he had to say but, as an illusion of perfection at that time, closing the door to the chaos was far more appealing and easier for me then the act of pulling weeds and not doing so was an accepted practice. But the fact is that it is impossible to actually assist someone in helping his or her self when we continue to repeat a behavior while telling that individual that he or she must stop losing control in his or her way without actually turning around ourselves and jumping into the weeds to go through as well. So is it possible to see the conflict in my saying stop “coping that way” because it’s not in your best interest while also implying that Ryan had failed by losing control in the first place but then also pointing out his flowers which should have prevented his fall but didn’t so he must be what the darkness said while being that perfectly justified person who wasn’t dealing either? That was a cycle of intermittent “f” words and moments provided from the outside and the inside that kept feeding the hell as we each “flipped out” together and not together while trying to get off the ride. When I pass this way again and again, because it’s always going to be with me as a part of who I am, I sometimes stop and wonder if he would still be here if I had showed up for my weeds long before his substance use began or if I had quickly jumped into the darkness despite not wanting to or believing that I needed too once he had begun. If I stay in that particular place for too long, though, pain will take hold of me through regret and grief and I will fall not unlike I already have in the yesterdays or even as Ryan did over the course of his “flipping out” and sobriety. What I do know is that I can’t undo what has already been done no matter what I wish for, because sometimes hope is impossible, so I have to take it all with me and keep working through the messes in order to transform them as well as me. The detail of the use of substances as a reflection of losing control is substantial or the thoughts about choice versus not an option have their position in this or the what and the who we enable holds a piece too but most of all it’s a series of movements in the pain that carries the weight of the world rather than any particular feature that has the ability to effect and limit our view. So pass this way again but this time in the terms of your offer, be safe in your fondness for yourself especially in the darkness as the pain illuminates what can still become a strength. After all, flowers become weathered when always in the light but understanding found in the weeds is a superpower that will always eventually get you through. Oh hell you know that you will pass this way again so you might as well decide to do it loudly with kindness and lots of tissues. Have the best day possible for you, don’t forget to laugh every so often until your stomach hurts and when thinking of you, look both ways. Every dream matters whether here or not. Thank you. Love Always, Heavell
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