One of the ways that we feel trust is through the confidence that we have in people, places, things or even ourselves and the consistent or familiar manner in which that presence shows up. However, while confidence is considered to be a desired item, it can be misleading because of what is familiar to us and it can also transform into something that is no longer in our best interest or never ever really was without our even realizing it. Because we are powered by every note, it would seem simple enough to recognize how the flowers as well as the weeds play a role in our lives but it really isn’t that easy because of the security that we believe can only be found in what is wanted while also finding safety in the comfortableness of what we don’t want. Being comfortable is, after all, another particular in how we define having trust but it is just one of many terms that we need to look at both ways in order to understand how they effect our ability to have fondness and well-being within ourselves. When Ryan was young, I had confidence that the words that I used in regards to why he should never ever use substances would be enough to prevent that from happening. I even felt safe in the belief that all of my terms would speak to him as they should but what I didn’t recognize was that he held experiences and feelings that were adding to who he was that I wasn’t even aware of. When Ryan ingested that very first substance, he had confidence that he was stronger than anything that he used. In fact he told me that he wanted to prove to his father, an active addict at that time, that it was possible to enter the hell of substance use and then turn around and walk out in any given moment if one really wanted too. He felt he would be able to save his father by leading the way out and I understood that belief through my desire to rescue him by handing him his value but as with everything there are far more particulars, often hidden, that play a role that must be ascertained in order for change to even begin. What I knew back then was that my phrases worked when he was young and that comfortableness helped me to be consistent but with that hell showing up I should have recognized that things were definitely not what I viewed. I was, of course, repeating my familiar and while we both trusted it’s existence, it was who I was, in there he felt unheard and that his feelings were either wrong or did not matter. That wasn’t my intent but the results was the facilitation of the devaluing of him and as I continued behaving in my comfortable manner, the more I reinforced that now trusted thought in him while still steadily trying to hand him his flowers. But just as I had hoped he would evolve from his weeds, I also had to perceive that I needed to stop having confidence in the same manner that had already proven that it was no longer in either of our best interests. An unseen detail of change as well as trust, then, is recognizing that as we each add to ourselves through our moments, it isn’t about being in a place of comfortableness or what we want but rather in eventually finding our way through, adjusting, as the things that worked become what doesn’t and discovering the understanding for that as we go along our trails. Neither Ryan nor I adjusted as we should have because familiar always seems safer but in a different truth weeds don’t always remain as weeds, flowers can lose their beauty and rides in hell can become superpowers as well as the creators of sometime warriors. It takes being uncomfortable not comfortable in order to recognize that but who would ever want to feel that way? When thinking of you, what do you find safety in? Are those things in your best interest or is it time to turn around and look both ways? When thinking of you and the terms of an offer that you have for yourself, does it include fondness for yourself especially when you are lost in the weeds? Have you defined what love means as it pertains to yourself or are you still seeking that answer on the outside of yourself? Today is the kind of day to be loud in all that you are but also to lean in to hear because sometimes the steadiness of others isn’t meant to devalue but rather is the results of what use to work in the yesterdays fearing becoming uncomfortable in order to change. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
Our hopes hold our overall wants yet often fail to contain the particulars of what those things clearly mean or even what it will take for us to have them. In part, not being specific can allow for adjustments to be made as needed along the way but in a different direction, the lack of those details could prevent those items from becoming what we desire leaving us wondering why. If one of our intentions is the wish for fondness then our capacity to have it or not for ourselves is an important feature, a definer, in what we seek on the outside of ourselves. If trust is the intent then our belief in showing up for ourselves or not will also be expressed in the what or the who we look to find security in. But what if an important detail of ours that effects those desires is one that we hide or deny even though it literally can be found in everyone in any kind of life? Have you thought about the term fear and how it guides your beliefs as well as your series of movements? Do you feel that emotion or is it expressed in a “not in your best interest” form like anger or perhaps addiction? At times our distress is so strong that it makes sense for us to avoid what’s there but isn’t one of the aspects of trust and love based in remembering to believe in the moments where we are scared because why would we need to do that when things are easy? Fear is an emotion that has held my hand for far too long over the years and while it has seemed as if courage was no where near me, it was actually there quietly holding my other hand. Ryan was scared too before he began his substance use, while in that particular place and at times afterwards in the last couple of years of his life. Being afraid is such an uncomfortable and vulnerable position that it’s far easier to close doors or to flip out and as Ryan got louder with his so did I. In fact it got to where we could trust that that’s exactly how we would show up and yet I think we both had the hope that the other would stop but once we were living that ride neither of us seemed able to get off of it. It is also simpler to justify not changing because others aren’t but at some point someone has to choose to do this differently and take the first step to lead the way. Someone has to be unguarded enough to admit to falls in words and behaviors as well as being scared, right? Then there is the green truth that courage is loud and powerful so anger must be our being brave, showing up, but the real truth is it’s just the loud voice of fear speaking too. If I could turn around and undo what has been done in the yesterdays, one of the things that I would change is how I was comfortable with all the ways in which fear lived in and around me. In other words, I trusted the familiarity of it despite being aware of feeling unsafe in the mess of it. Ryan had belief in the substances he used and while we could say with certainty that it was the tricks of the drugs that led him to believe as he did, it wasn’t in his best interest to deny the role that fear, also known as pain and anger, played as well. Nor was it helpful how we both felt distressed in letting go of the safety of how we were being even though we hated it living in us. So, in a different truth, trust is not always a word that is in our best interest specifically if the feature of love for ourselves isn’t a part of our process in discovering it. There’s grief and regret in the knowledge of the time it takes for us to look both ways but then it’s never easy to view all that we should when we are in the midst of chaos and love seems to be lost. If we do look both ways, though, it is possible to perceive that even when we are behaving in ways that are not in our best interest, like addiction or anger, we are attempting to hold courage closer than we do fear. Those are the moments, no matter the time it takes, before we step towards the possibilities of trusting and loving ourselves especially when in the weeds. This is me and while you may not see it in me, I am still afraid at times but I am all right. When that voice speaks too loudly, I look both ways and remind myself that I am on a trail that holds the beauty of flowers, dreaded “f” moments and boxes of tissues as well as a sometime warrior who falls down but eventually gets up. Look both ways at how fear and courage work together and not together to help you as well as how “I am sorry” can also be a “thank you” when we lean in to hear the views of others. Look both ways at how lost and found are the particulars of falls and getting up that facilitate our hope for change as well as how trust lives in the things that we hate but the feature of fondness can bring being safe home to the place that needs us most where it belongs. Look both ways at the terms of your offer and the details that define them in your so very heavell life. Are they in your best interest and do they help you to show up for you or is it time to turn around? Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
One of our wants is to feel safe or free from pain and it is not unreasonable to wish for that experience especially when it has the appearance of being the best way to never have to pick weeds again or to feel the things that hurt or climb difficult trails. However, as with the terms of any offer, there is a guarantee that there will always be both moments that we love and ones that we don’t in any kind of life. It’s what we breathe in from those things that determines how long we stay on the rollercoaster that leads to the repeating of the yesterdays or if we step off of our journeys’ in order to just smell our flowers. An important detail of our being secure is found in what the term trust holds for us but what happens when our inability to find safety in people, places and things leads to doubt in our beliefs especially about ourselves? Is that because we are impossible or is it possible that we have been looking in all the wrong places? Or how about whether or not we have fondness for ourselves and the role that it plays in our feeling free from pain? If we don’t carry love for ourselves in all of our moments, then can we ever really trust our safety? And if just those few designations are not clearly defined on the inside where they live in us, then how can we know we are safe with others when their terms of an offer and the value of them might differ from what we actually desire? So if our wish is really to be secure, and not just the hope of an easy life, how can we define being well for ourselves so that showing up in all the ways that we will encounter a so very heavell life will be far more important to us than the quantity of flowers or weeds that we hold or the fact and the opinion that someone else’s definition of beauty doesn’t look like us? During Ryan’s substance use, he felt more secure in the chaos of being lost in that particular hell than he had ever been in the disarray that lived within him and around him. Was that feeling and thought the results of the power of substances, the hiding of his pain, being a mess within a mess of his choosing, a failure to define clearly what being secure felt like, a lack of belief, too many weeds in his life or a combination of all of those things and more? The simplest thing to do would be to pick one, especially the first one, to blame but the real truth is that each and every one of those items is strong enough, separately, to cause falls again and again and together they make a life feel impossible to go through. Why is that? Every small and big thing that we experience in our lives, our behaviors and those of others, accumulates within us. Those particulars, whose values have been determined in the place that needs each of us most, bring fondness, confusion, strength, weakness, laughter that makes our stomachs hurt, tears and pain as it fills in our definitions of not only our words but also our perception of how life is. In other words we are powered by every note that are the results of what we have come up against and yet we often doubt our belief of that personal knowledge because others tell us their view is the only one to see. I am guilty of being that individual and by doing so I, in part, helped Ryan onto that rollercoaster ride with a sense of security, a green truth, that he would only experience it as I said. In the last year and a half of his life he expressed on a daily basis that he was sorry that he had lost his way on the trail, had not heard me sooner and thank you for not having given up on my belief in him. Every time he did that I felt grief because I, again in part, was the one who hadn’t heard him before that loud voice of his pain screamed through his substance use and I had not perceived that an important piece of feeling safe with others and ultimately within ourselves is found in the ability to stand together despite our differing views and feelings as a facilitator of well being i each of us. It’s difficult, though, to recognize that when we ourselves are also searching in the wrong places for the very things that live on the inside. As you go through life powered by every note, be loud in defining what safe, trust, fondness, beauty or whatever means to you and believe in your knowledge of those things. They are what make you the only you and while they will cause you to fall at times, they are also the series of movements that will get you through on any journey. It is all right not to be all right with every note that powers you but if you lean in to hear what you have to say, make sure you keep fondness for yourself as close as you do what hurts because your feeling safe or not is powered by what you believe about you so get comfortable with seeing all of you. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
It’s good to be home in the place that needs us most, our hearts, but within that site are our collection of things that can make it so we do not want to be in the position to assist the very person who is in need of and deserves our fondness. Perhaps it is our ability to turn away from the people, places, things or behaviors that we do not want that makes it so easy to exit when we are uncomfortable with what’s there or maybe it is our desire to have only what is fun and fabulous or it’s the belief that we are impossible that feeds the thought that it is better to close the door or even to be on the outside of ourselves. The real truth is that everything from the small things to the big ones, no matter what it is, has terms that are a part of doing, being, thinking and feeling even when their existence isn’t within our field of view. Those particulars, despite what we hope, never ever just include the items that we want because along the way in any kind of life there are always weeds mixed in with the flowers. In a different truth though, there are treasures that can be found in the messes and those dreaded “f” moments add to the beauty of us when we hold them with fondness in order to feel safe particularly when we are on a part of the journey that is hell. So what are the terms of your offer to yourself in a so very heavell life? Can you only assist yourself when things are acceptable? Or are you someone to you that is going to show up in all the ways that you can be found? In other words is your fondness only for when you are all right or are you able to remember to hold it when you fall and are lost too? Or how about that need for “I am sorry” and forgiveness for what didn’t go as you had intended? Or having the power to comfort yourself through understanding but you haven’t because the value of it is not in the terms of an offer for yourself? So let’s start with my moments where I “flipped” out, another “f” word, with my incredibly loud voice that has never ever needed a microphone to be heard by anyone. When our fear and pain speaks so loudly within ourselves we will behave in ways that are not in anyone’s best interest but particularly our own. It can feel so justified to do so but it’s no wonder why no one can hear on the inside or the outside when that noise is being illuminated preventing our ability to go through what’s there. When I was in that place of feelings, my focus was solely on what I didn’t want that Ryan was bringing rather than thinking about whether I was actually participating in the feeding of the hell, also known as being a part of the problem, by not dealing with my own pain. This was how Ryan and I acted in similar and yet different ways in that impossible cycle with only the details of ourselves separating us. It is also impossible to get someone else to face the mirror when you yourself keep avoiding it or justifying why you don’t have to which for me was just another one of my dreaded “f” moments facilitating that roller coaster ride in hell. While I still have an occasional series of movements that complicates the situations in my life, each time I have to remind myself to step forward with love always as I open yet another door to my collection of things in order to find the beauty that lives in my chaos. Knowing this about me, can you imagine why I consider Ryan’s substance use to actually have been the facilitator of a superpower or a treasure in the mess? Because of his fall, the field of view of words like fondness and forgiveness have been expanded to include their worth in the terms of an offer that breathes in my place that needs me most. What can you locate in your messes that can be transformed into your superpower or treasure? This is me, this was Ryan and somewhere in here are your “f” moments as well as the terms of your offer. The strongest you will ever be is not found in perfect moments or items but rather in how you show up for yourself in your weakest of times or eventually while holding understanding to get through. After all, this is life so the fact and the opinion is that there will be lots of unwanted opportunities to pull your own weeds and to fall down along the trail but there will also be love and flowers even when they are in the shadows because things or we are not always what we had hoped for or consented to. Be loud, be kind and be a part of the some who will for the person for whom the details of the terms of an offer was always meant to assist. Oh hell, grab those tissues because today just might be the day that fondness shows up to help you believe you can do this. Love Always, Heavell
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