There is an “f” word whose meaning is easily used to describe what we think and how we feel about people, places or even things and yet when it comes to using it to define ourselves it makes us uncomfortable and voiceless. It is also a term that has the strength and the power to help us live the ride we are on but in a different truth it can appear to be weak and disappear into the shadows at the first sign of chaos. While it’s not a part of the definitions of other phrases such as brave, fear, pain or beauty, feeling it or not as an expression of ourselves is a detail in how we experience those other terms as well as many more. In our collection of things, this designation comes from the list of items that we definitely want. In the last year and a half of Ryan’s life he held on to that word and all that it meant for him. Since his death, it is a term that I am having to get comfortable with especially when I don’t want to be on this journey or the what if’s repeat in my thoughts. I am not even sure I am familiar with it as a part of my story in the yesterdays but I am learning that it is a superpower in the art of living a so very heavell life today. Being aware of that reminds me of how in the beginning of Ryan’s substance use I kept trying to hand him this word to help remind him of his self worth but as we know when we are in the midst of hell or under the weight it’s quiet vocalization gets drowned out by the loudness of what hurts. Now here I am waiting on myself to breathe in the very same thing rather than focusing on the “f” moments that didn’t go as I had hoped or that he’s gone or that persistent desire to just have what’s easy. In that expanded view that he helped me to see, I can also understand how difficult it was for Ryan to find what had been lost and then forgotten as well as why it couldn’t be handed to him from the outside; not even by me as his mother. Because the value of anything decided by someone else or that hoped for forgiveness from the outside will only carry us so far before our pain will cause us to once again fall in all sorts of ways, this “f” word that is an illusive belief of ourselves is what we need to lean in to especially when we are not all right. This term makes eventually showing up for ourselves a possibility no matter how long we have been walking in circles and laughing until our stomachs hurt in the fabulous moments the perfect celebration of our kind of lives. It can’t be real, also known as supportive, though if we only remember it and say it when it’s easy to do so or only as a designation for others. I have a phrase that I frequently share where I say “If they can’t take you when you are not beautiful, then they don’t get to have you when you are” Funny thing is I never realized that my expression wasn’t just meant for the outside as a gray line until I began thinking about what love for myself really entails. In other words, we may need to turn away from the some who can’t or won’t but we should always be a part of the some who will because exiting ourselves has never been in our best interest nor does it ever lead to the things that we hope for like what that particular word holds. Oh hell, I am sorry that the weeds became a belief for far too long and thank you for reminding me to open the doors to my messes with fondness. Have the best day possible for you with the help of a small thing like kindness especially when under the weight. Love or Fondness Always, Heavell
This week, for whatever reason, I am walking in circles in my thoughts and feelings. I keep imagining that if I could just talk to Ryan some how all that I am carrying will simply transform from what feels so uncomfortable and hurts into what would be all right or tolerable. Perhaps what’s there is because there are things that I want to be able to say again to him like “I love you” or “I am sorry for my part” or “thank you for what you have taught me” or maybe it’s just because I don’t want to do my kind of life without his presence in it or it could be the fabulous rains from the monsoons that we use to always enjoy together or it’s all of those items along with the fact that I am tired and I don’t want to have to continue to go through this pain. It has even occurred to me that if I could figure out exactly what is causing me to fall in my emotions, I could then avoid those triggers and only step into the moments that are fun and filled with flowers or are relatively easy to encounter. Wouldn’t that be so heavenly to only be a part of the things that allow me to just simply go along on my trail? Or to not have to find understanding for the items and moments that feel so impossible? The appearance of those thoughts seem perfect but unfortunately I am familiar with behaving in that way and doing so again would mean turning around and going back to the yesterdays where that particular coping of mine is a detail in the reasons why I am here in this place today. There is also the real truth in that desire that by removing what I don’t want I would also have to eliminate parts of Ryan and while I hated being in the midst of those moments where he brought hell, they are now important memories of him and the change that came because of him. I can reach out for support from the others who have also lost a child but sometimes that connection we share actually feeds the hell in me rather than bringing the relief that I am seeking. So what is possible when I don’t want to think and feel as I do and yet no matter where I go, it is going to follow me because I am the one carrying it on the inside where it can’t be seen even though it is so loud in there that it feels like the world should be able to hear it as well? This is me and I don’t have to be in the middle of hell to feel as if I am still trying to step forward from it. After all, this is a so very heavell life and there are moments of regret and grief that we need boxes of tissues for right along with the things that make us laugh. All of it is meant to encourage us to find understanding and change but sometimes the series of movements that are a part of this journey make breathing in brave seem out of reach; at least for today or even this week. So change out my term, Ryan, and replace it with whatever person, place or thing that is tripping you up. Imagine that even though we are different, you are able to understand me and I you because whatever is before you is as important as what is within me despite the differences and the particulars that separate us. Now, in this moment, what can you do for you? Is it that you simply need to be kind to you because today isn’t your day? Or do you only want to experience what’s easy for a while like smelling the flowers instead of picking your own weeds? Whatever you choose to do, just don’t stay in that place for far too long because there’s a balance of chaos and beauty as well as “I am sorry” and “thank you” that’s just perfect for you in your kind of life. You need all of you, even the parts that you hate or don’t want from your list, in order to go through. I am going to wait right here for me until I am ready to try again and you can show up for you too by having the best day, week or whatever by knowing that what feels like weakness is really the moment before strength begins. Oh hell you can’t be found if you don’t get lost at least once in a while. In other words there is no need to be strong when you only have flowers and possible can’t be understood without the painful details of impossible. Love Always, Heavell.
In your collection of things, what items do you believe define you best? What can be found there as well that enumerates your moments of defeat? Which of those inventories then feels like the bigger deal for you? Part of what breathes within us is not just the moments that happen but the value that is placed on how we encountered those experiences and then hold the resulting feelings. When we communicate what we are going through it is because we need to be heard but it isn’t easy for that to occur because of the place that we are at or the one where others are. Let’s start with just some of the emotions that come from the list of reactions that occur as a response to substance use. If you are on the outside as the loved one of an addict fear as well as it’s loud voice of anger mixed with that deeply held connection that lives in your heart are probably the strongest of your feelings. If you are even further out on the circle as perhaps someone who deals with and or is affected by substance use in a different way, you might feel frustration as well as a distance from addicts and their loved ones. If those two individuals have separate emotional responses based on what substance use means for each, how can they converse, to say and to hear, in a manner that helps the situation rather than feeds the hell? Or how about the interaction between an addict and his or her loved ones? Or any situation in any kind of life in which what we feel is in contrast with the emotional definitions of others? What’s there are our very own personal details of every term that has been defined by our encounters. Because of those individual series of movements, we act and react based on those hidden particulars whether others are able to perceive of the causes or not. Communication and change that stays, then, needs the kindness of understanding that allows us to recognize that being separate does not mean it is impossible for us to also be together. Take a moment and think about a situation in which there is conflict between you and an individual. What do you want from that person? Do you give the very thing that you are asking for? When I think back to the yesterdays, Ryan’s and my connections were really one sided stories fed by pain and fear that sometimes were expressed with anger. Our ability to hear had been limited by our listening to only what we wanted to and then placing values that had to do with ourselves rather than what was within the other. It was a whole lot of walking in circles that continued to feed the very hell we wanted out of for far longer than it ever should have but then isn’t that what happens when we are in the midst of it? So now think about how you have felt when someone has implied that what is a big deal for you is really just a small thing. Who do you believe should decide the value of what you are holding? Why is that? In other words, if we know that people, places and things, especially substances, can’t fix what is breathing on the inside, then the significance of it can’t be decided on the outside of us either if we hope to change it where it lives. Just acknowledging that pain hurts and makes messes no matter where or how it can be found is a step towards showing up for ourselves but also eventually for others. After all, what is hidden will be illuminated in all sorts of ways until it is actually heard and then transformed. This is me and it starts with forgiving myself for the fact and the opinion that my communication with others was really a one sided story; also known as a limited view. The regret and grief, another particular hell, that comes from understanding that has been a part of facilitating change which included moments of “I am sorry” but more importantly stepping towards doing this differently even when not perfect. Is it possible for you to imagine then how Ryan’s addiction helped me to find myself even though I never realized I was lost to begin with until he fell? Or how those painful weeds were far more important in our being located and the creation of our sometime warriors than flowers could ever be? In a different and yet very real truth, strength can be located in what appears to only be weakness and beauty loves the chaos as both are really the moments before we begin to understand ourselves. From the list within you, be honest or talk straight to yourself and grab those tissues for the weight of the world and the things that make your stomach hurt from laughing. Breathe as only you can while knowing it is perfectly all right to not always handle well the things that are a big deal until you are ready to lean in to hear them. Oh hell I still get lost and fall down because that’s what happens when we are in the midst of a so very heavell life. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
If you had the opportunity to impart what you need to say, who would you communicate your words to? What would you want that person to know if you could do so without fear or it’s loud voice of anger? Would you be able to have a conversation or would that talk need to be broken down into a one sided story? Could that person do the same with you? Or what if you have had those interactions again and again with the hope that each could have been a flower but instead they ended up being just another “f” moment in your kind of life; and not a good one at that? When we are in a place of pain and fear, it often isn’t the best time to speak and to be heard even though it is exactly what we desire. Those exchanges are also complicated when the other person is hurting too or has a completely different view of the scenario. Ever notice how we say and do the same thing over and over while expecting a different outcome at the same time as believing that others are the ones who need to change but not ourselves? Once we are in that kind of cycle, we are far more interested in being able to convey what we think and feel than we are in recognizing that communication is more than the ability to voice what we are carrying. In the yesterdays, I was what would be considered a good listener which should have made any interactions easy especially with my loved ones. Actually, though, that was a weed because what I thought I was “hearing” was really the results of how words were defined for me through my experiences rather than the other person’s actual encounters. Some of the toughest lessons over the years of Ryan’s addiction involved the discovery that in order to be a part of changing our discussions, I couldn’t just be aware of, only value, my terms. I had to walk a lot, and I do mean a lot, of circles before I was finally able to perceive of that thanks in part to the help of some very persistent individuals who were not going to let me just be comfortable with what I felt and believed. The finding of that understanding was a part of how my son’s addiction eventually transformed into a superpower by pushing me to not only really see myself in the mirror but also Ryan, his sisters and others as well. Did I do all of this perfectly then or do I do so today? No because I still occasionally fall in my words and actions especially when I am having the best day possible for me which is not necessarily what others need or hope for. There is even a certain amount of grief, also known as regret, that shows up occasionally with the knowledge that it could have been a flower before rather than living the ride that we were but then change is never easy for anyone. So let’s start here with the fact and the opinion that not only is there a lot to say but that there is also much that needs to be heard; all of the perspectives not just our own. Although we cannot undo what has been done, what could have been a flower still can become one by understanding that what makes breathing difficult is different within each of us but all of it still hurts in the place that needs us most despite those details and experiences that separate us. In other words it is far easier to listen than it is to actually lean in to hear what is being said but just like the word communication, change needs more than just a part or an individual in order to stay. This is me and I forgive myself for living the ride in the manner that I did in the yesterdays while also holding close that there is a love that will continue to exist regardless of my falls and walking in circles because I have always been so much more than just those things. Somewhere in here you do understand me even if our particulars make communication seem impossible. What could have been a flower can be transformed into one today by what you do differently with the knowledge of you and your ride. After all that is the beauty and superpower of a so very heavell life where in a different truth what hurts is actually the moment before we step no matter the time it takes for us to do so. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
To enjoy our lives is also known as to relish our existence but how is that even possible when having it all holds not only what we desire but also the people, places, feelings, moments and things that we do not? Is it achievable, then, to find appreciation for those tough lessons that we encounter along our trails when the value of dreaded “f” moments and pain is often not perceived of because of what it implies about us? Or what if we get off of the ride before we should and are now walking in circles trying to do a series of moves around the parts that we do not want? This past week a teenager who is going through some very tough moments and feelings asked me if there is a way to avoid the pain, fear and anger. Can you imagine what I thought and then responded with as the mother of a former heroin addict who is no longer here because he also wanted to evade the mess in his life? When we don’t know what to do with the details, we can feel scared and hopeless and we will seek others who agree with our pain and our avoidance of dealing with it. Initially there is a feeling of relief provided from that connection, of being together, but eventually what we wanted to escape will show up for us anyways and that loneliness will return with a voice that is even louder than it had been before. So what do you think my statement was to her? What would you have said? I actually replied “Yes there is, what substance would you like to do in order to not experience your storm also known as your mess? Or perhaps you could hide and or deny it but then that will also make it stronger which is exactly what you don’t want right? So be aware that while you hope to avoid this, there is nothing that you can find on the outside of yourself that will stop what is already breathing on the inside of you. With that in mind, you might as well be who you are and go through with the all of you. If you need help, I will be here waiting for you to say that” In other words, the place that needs us most can’t be made comfortable with people, places and things that are found on the outside of ourselves but we can learn to hold it close through all of it. So is it possible for us to recognize the value of the things that feel like the weight of the world? To eventually be able to locate some sort of appreciation for the items that hurt rather than continue to grieve or be lost because of them? The shortcut answer or green truth is not when we are in the midst of an overwhelming situation or if we only celebrate our flowers. If we choose to lean in, though, for our matter of time and pain, it is within reach when we talk straight about what we are experiencing at the very least to ourselves; to believe in how we feel. This young woman is, after all, not going to be able to laugh until her stomach hurts enough or just think positive thoughts adequately or wish away her mess in order to change what’s there. So this starts with forgiving herself for not knowing how to deal with the particulars of her storm and for wanting to elude all of it because it is all right to feel that way as long as we eventually go into it. She is then going to have to live the ride while getting to know what words hold for her and the moments that at times will be best described with the use of the loud voice of anger because occasionally what hurts or scares us comes out that way even when it shouldn’t. If she falls in words and or actions, she will have to start again because there are no shortcuts when you live the ride in a so very heavell life. This is her, this was Ryan and this is me as well. Each of us are “f” moment makers, the bringers of hell as well as the beholders of beauty as found within each of us while also being fabulous at times. Somewhere in here you can find yourself too because no matter what we do, we all have to live the ride as it goes through our flowers, our weeds and what others bring into our lives; the controversary. In a different truth, then, we don’t have to enjoy every moment or pretend to in order to be all right but we do need to like, love, appreciate and show up for who we are in all the ways that we actually live the ride especially when one box of tissues just won’t do or we want to get off the ride before we should. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
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