There are moments as well as emotions that we have experienced from our field of view that complicates how we feel and our ability to show up for ourselves as well as others. Sometimes it’s our desire to get off of that rollercoaster that encourages us to exit before we should and occasionally it is because others want us to close the door in order to move on even when what’s there feels like the weight of the world. Our hope in doing so is that if those things can’t be seen then their voices can’t possibly be powerful enough to affect us far into the tomorrows. As with anything, though, there is no such thing as a whole being made up of only the pieces that we want nor a hell that occurs in a convenient and easy manner. So if our wish is to be able to take any kind of hurt or dreaded “f” moment and leave it behind us then we must step towards the term forgive and what it holds because we can’t forget or let go of what we don’t first find an understanding for. Locating that view is not about excusing or justifying words, actions or feelings. It’s about leaning in to hear how each of us has experienced life and then are sharing what’s there to the outside of ourselves; especially our pain. After all, we can’t change the power of anything if we don’t perceive of why it exists and how it continues to breathe even in the shadows. This week I received a letter from a young woman who I haven’t spoken to in several years who is a recovering addict. She had consistently been a part of our lives and then one day she just disappeared. I knew that she had made the choice to step away but I didn’t know where her journey had taken her. Not knowing whether someone is all right or not can feed the hell of fear but eventually that pain of mine transformed into the desire that things would be all right for her in whatever manner that meant in her life. Towards the end of her letter she stated that she hoped that I would some day be able to forgive her for how she had behaved. I had to stop and contemplate that request but not for the reason you might think. You see I have never actually forgiven anyone for his or her moments with me, not even Ryan, nor have I asked for forgiveness. Why is that and how could I move on if I haven’t? Forgiveness is defined as a pardon that we either ask for ourselves or give to another but in my different truth it’s about showing up for myself while hoping that others will eventually find their way to doing so for themselves. Understanding, which just happens to be a word that is used to define forgiveness, is the view that what we express or share is a reflection of the place that we are at on the inside, our messes, and not of what the effected person deserves. In other words if we are scared and or hurt, the loud voice of anger will say what we can’t or dare not to and our behaviors will feed the hell in ourselves and others. So being on that rollercoaster and feeling what is there, dealing with it, has always been the moment before change can occur but if we get off of it before we understand, we will walk in circles and have another and another and another dreaded “f” moment despite wanting to forget because pain will always find a way to be illuminated and to keep us weak. This young woman was being who she was at the time as a whole of fabulous and failed parts and I was also being who I was. Our details separate us but understanding allows each of us to get all right with what hasn’t been within ourselves and then use it to get stronger; to stop the cycles. I would prefer that she show up for herself because there’s a love within that that is far more powerful than any words I could say or any forgiveness that I could give. Change, then, is more likely to occur and stay if she is focused on what she needs in order to do this better for herself because it’s her experiences and feelings that have made her who she has been and depending upon what she does with them, who she will be. Do you feel that? Have the best day possible and if you haven’t already done so, this starts with “I am sorry” as the moment before you step towards forgiving yourself as the perfect person to do so in your so very heavell life. Love Always, Heavell
Laughter that makes our stomachs hurt is the desired place to be in but when our particular feelings of pain and uncomfortableness appear, there is a belief that we are flawed if we are unable to cope with the same ease that we enjoy the things that are fun. Because of that thought, we will do whatever it takes to avoid what’s there with the hope that those emotions that make breathing difficult will somehow cease to exist. A conflict then ensues between our hearts and our minds because what has been felt will show up when we least expect them to, again and again, no matter what we try to talk ourselves into. Those unwanted and dreaded feelings, that still have a voice despite being hidden, are a facilitator in the feeding of the hell where we feel alone, hurt and or scared even when we are in a room full of people or with those who love us. Understanding and support for what is there is the connection that we are seeking and yet we never ever turn to the mirror where the person who has been through it all with us can be found. Why is that? Is it because we believe we are impossible for having those experiences to begin with? After Ryan died, there was a certain amount of compassion and carrying of me for a matter of time but eventually life moved on for everyone else. For some, dealing with the person that I had become was not what they wanted to do which was not unlike how I felt during parts of Ryan’s substance use. When that happened for me, the grief that I had been feeling changed from an incredible sadness to being illuminated in the most intense anger I have ever felt or expressed in my life. Which I also realize was not unlike Ryan during particular moments in his life. On the inside I knew that it wasn’t going to just go away or be silenced until I was able to change how it held me but transforming it meant accepting the pain as a part of my life which wasn’t something I wanted to do. As much as I hated feeling that way, I also felt so justified in it that it became a comfortable place for me to get lost in for far longer than I should have. In other words it was a familiar coping place from the yesterdays that I thought made me strong even though I was actually so very weak. While there, I wished for some ally that would make me feel better but there were no words that could have been said or actions to be done that would have changed where I was at until I wanted it for myself. Not even the understanding and the support of those who had also lost a child could alter what I felt because that mess was mine and I alone had to go through it. Do you feel that? After all, what hurts on the inside can’t be fixed by people, places or things that are found on the outside of ourselves. That kind of grief, though, doesn’t just occur in the loss of someone we love because we are also able to feel that way in all of the moments where we mislay ourselves and hurt as in the “f” ones that are not fabulous. Once we are in that position we can fall, so very hard, in our words and actions even though it’s not who we really are. Can you feel that? There was a lot of pressure on me back then to just be who I was prior to his death but the real truth was and still is that I will never be that person again so I might as well be who I am now. I realize that I had also wanted Ryan to be who he was prior to his substance use and yet that was impossible because of the things that had been in his kind of life. In a different truth though, that desire is in part a hope that someone will be all right just like he or she had been prior but sometimes it’s also because it is easier to deal with what we are already comfortable with. I am able to feel that now while also understanding that we need to accept ourselves and others through the series of movements that make us who we are even when we don’t like it or know what to do. This is me. I am a “f” moment maker and I don’t always handle life well but I am learning to lean with it rather than hiding it until it becomes so loud from a lack of dealing that I become weak. This was also Ryan in his sobriety and somewhere in here you are able to feel that in your way as well. Be kind and be loud in showing up for yourself and your gray lines because in this so very heavell life this starts with and goes through with the person in the mirror; also known as you. Love Always, Heavell.
Coming to terms with all of the possible definitions and emotions that can be held by just a single phrase means finding what brings us together but more importantly what separates us and ultimately effects our understanding of each other. In other words, what we know about expressions has been determined by not only their designated definitions but also in how they have been experienced in whatever kind of life we have. The knowledge of those encounters lives on the inside and value that is determined from the outside doesn’t take into consideration the moments that make terms personal for each of us. Even our gray lines are a part of how we react to and use words and they can fluctuate depending on the place that we are at or the individuals we are dealing with. Trust, for instance, is a word that we think and feel represents the safe keeping of people, places and things. We use it as our guide in deciding who we have a belief in or not but if you turn around, you will see that we will count on someone even though we are aware he or she tell lies while at the same time determining that another individual is completely impossible because that person tells lies as well. We will even accept deception from ourselves in certain scenarios as long as we feel there is justification for it. Trust, in a different truth, appears to have boundaries but it is more often an open door to what can be or is a mess. What does it mean for us, then, when an individual’s actions change how we view him or her; such as in the behaviors of an addict? During Ryan’s years of substance use, my confidence in him was continually challenged, even in the moments that he was sober, because once our trust has been broken, especially repeatedly, it is very difficult to not continue to feel fear even if we are or appear to be safe. When we are in that place we need concrete things that can be easily seen, such as the steps that support sobriety, because within them is a belief, a hope, that our lost individuals are back on the trail to being reliable and or sober. What’s not there, though, is the understanding that addiction, trust, change or even words have never ever been that simple because of the things that separate us. So each time that Ryan fell, I did as well by breathing in the pain of those moments and the deception that surrounded them. I even became untrustworthy myself and I felt so very justified in being in that place. That cycle, that mess, was repeated by the both of us for years. It took a toll on my mind and my heart, effecting every part of my life, and because of that I reached a point of thinking “I can’t do this anymore” while also feeling “there’s no way I can lose him to this” I am not sure in which moment it occurred but I realized that I was correct in thinking that I could no longer do this but not in the way or for the reason you might think. I began contemplating the term trust and how it was defined by me as well as Ryan. He was, after all, working with what he had and I was using what I had. Our differences, our personal views and experiences, made it impossible for us to completely come together and by trying to have him follow a belief that I had in what that term meant, I was facilitating the very hell I wanted to go away. So I began working on trusting myself instead of expecting him to prove he was reliable. That is what I could do and it ultimately turned out to be where my power, my superpower, lived. It didn’t change things immediately but step by step and moment by moment I was able to relax and so was Ryan. He was then able to say and to hear what needed to be by having a belief in himself through what the word trust and other ones held for him. What had been impossible then became possible even when there were missteps or falls by him, myself or others. This is me, this was Ryan and somewhere in here is you as well. Take the time to find what you need from yourself in order to be all right, what you can and cannot do, because that is where your superpower breathes. Have the best day possible for you in this so very heavell life because it’s your belief that will always get you through. Love Always, Heavell.
Just like how words carry different emotional definitions for each of us, our personal gray lines on the inside can fluctuate from moment to moment, feeling to feeling and person to person. What we won’t accept from one person will often be something that we will tolerate and excuse from someone else or even from ourselves. Let’s start with the terms lost and found as well as what we believe to be a part of being one or the other. Each of us has a perception of what being off-course means, not together, and it is often easier to see someone as being in that place when it pertains to not having concrete things such as jobs, education, a home or items. What’s not there though is the different truth that one can have all or some of those pieces while still being adrift in feelings, possibilities, communication, connections, understanding and love. In other words, the perception of being lost appears to be defined by the lack of easily seen things but there are far more hidden details in actually being in that place than what we can possibly determine from just the view in front of us. Even the value of being found, having it together, is represented as having or achieving things and yet the absence of those objects is not an accurate reflection of anyone’s knowledge, possibilities, experiences, understanding, connections or strength because those particular entities live on the inside where they can’t be seen. What, then, does it means to be lost as well as to be found for you? Why is that? Are you aware that in order to be located you have to have been misplaced to begin with because those two words can only exist in the presence of each other just as fear and courage do? How would you feel if what you believe made you who you are simply disappeared? Now turn around and look at the others in your life and what you view they hold as well as what you are willing to accept from each of them. Is it easier to tolerate actions in some moments, for some things or only for some people based upon what you believe they have? Why is that? This past Monday, Memorial Day, was the two year anniversary of Ryan’s death. Rather than being able to just focus on the memories of his life, those “f” moments that were fabulous as well as the failed ones, and what I believe has been learned from him, an addict amongst the group had a major life event that thrust everyone into a mess. In that chaos, gray lines, values, words and the tolerating of some things from only some people came into my view as someone who was, for the most part, on the outside of the situation. There was even two different views from two of the positions on the circle of the situation comparing the value of items versus the trauma of the scenario. What wasn’t there when that adversity came to be was the love always that was actually needed by all for all. It has always been easier to be supportive or to appear to be when everything is all right but open the door to pain and fear and see how quickly we each become adrift, not together, despite the collection of things that we believe say we are together. I have to acknowledge that I felt angry about the mess and the behaviors of those involved. Controversary is never convenient nor simple and it often comes when we don’t want it which is actually never. As I turn around and look at all of the objects that I have accumulated over the years, not a single one is useful in helping me to go through on my trail especially when my grief feels like the weight of the world in my heart as it was on Monday. So despite the appearance of having it together through the image of my things, I actually still get lost periodically and I don’t always handle life well like when the loud voice of fear or pain is expressed through my anger. It is, however, good to be home within me because while I am not always all right, I know that being adrift is the moment before stepping into being located regardless of the time it takes for me to get there. New gray lines have emerged for me from this past mess because it is about love always for myself. Only I can define what I will tolerate or not and what I can or cannot do otherwise the value of anything will be decided on the outside of myself which, just like easily seen concrete things, won’t help me go through in this so very heavell life and will actually facilitate the continuation of my walking in circles instead; also known as the feeding of hell. This is me and this is also you whether you are an addict or not. Have the best day possible for you regardless of being together or not while on your journey. Be kind and be loud while you Love Always. Heavell
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