A Little More Of You #166

What we hear depends upon what we listen to, what we see relies on what we are looking for and what we feel draws on what our own experiences are. If I were to say the words “I am sorry” what would you think that term is expressing for me? Would you perceive that it was an admission of being regretful for an “f” moment or would you think that I am acknowledging the pain of someone or would your answer depend on knowing my details? Does it matter to you, then, that the term sorry is defined first in the dictionary as being sad followed by regret as it’s 15th description? Or what about the fact and the opinion that grief is a part of being sad as well as having regret and therefore all three are connected to the term sorry through a feeling? What you hear, see and feel about just that single phrase, for example, determines where you go on the inside with it. In other words, how you hold your words is a part of the way you have been experiencing this kind of life. Over the years, Ryan and I had both articulated being sorry but what wasn’t there was the understanding that while the particulars separated us, grief was something we shared. Imagine, then, how our conversations about his drug use were discussed from our different points of view and why that made it impossible for us to connect as a group, to be united, when we were only focused on what detached us. There is a distinct difference between hearing, leaning with what others feel, and listening, which places values based upon what we feel instead. After all, when we say “I am sorry” we are acknowledging the pain that others are carrying as the weight of the world. The most important moment of change came when I stopped telling Ryan how his behaviors had affected me and started hearing how he felt mine had shaped him. The more he became comfortable with what had felt uncomfortable, the more he had to say. The more he expressed his feelings, the stronger he felt in the place that needed him most which meant the weaker his hell came to be. He was able to find his value by my hearing him rather than my telling him or reminding him of what it was or should be. I am not going to tell you it was easy, because it was not. I am not going to say that it didn’t hurt, because it did. I am not going to express that I wasn’t scared, because I was. What I will say, however, is that after his matter of time, which seemed like it took forever, he stepped into hearing all that I had to share as well and rather than fall from the grief of what he had done, he was able to rise to do this better. This is you and this is me. Sometimes we are worse but in other moments we are far better than we had hoped. Small things, like believing in how a word feels for you, can illuminate your trail so that a little more of you is able to go through. Oh hell, what a journey we are each on in the discovery of how the nothings that appear to come from nowhere are the somethings that lead to falling and walking in circles. This starts with the perfect person looking in the mirror and saying “I am sorry”. I’m just going to wait right here because I wonder how you hold your words as well as your pain. Whatever the way, together and not together, we can raise a little hell with the help of a little more of you and of course your sometime warrior.

On Monday, November 30 we will be uploading our second podcast. Our hope is that what you hear will be a part of helping you to get to know a little more of you because, after all, the strongest and the weakest you will ever be will be in how you hold your words. Have the best day possible for you. Love always, Heavell.

What A Journey #165

In a life that is so very heavell, it is not just the personal emotional definitions of words that create conflict but also the when, where and how long our reactions to what can be found there effects us. Grief, just like addiction, can seemingly appear out of no where even when we think we are all right or at the very least hope we are. When that happens, we can feel as if we are on a rollercoaster that we cannot get off of and the power of those emotions can leave us feeling weak and fearful. They can also convince the place that needs us most that this trail and we ourselves are impossible as it feeds the hell of whatever our stories are. That adversity is further exasperated when others do not or cannot understand why we are in that place again and thus attempt to control it. There are many moments that I am able to laugh until my stomach hurts because it can be that kind of day with people who find beauty wherever they are. There are also, however, many in which there are triggers that remind me of what has been lost to me and those times can hurt as much as the very first day that Ryan was no longer in this world. When that something that appears to come from nowhere takes over, I am a mess. Unfortunately what can also be found there is the uncomfortableness of others when I do fall. I have realized that their reactions are familiar to me as their view is exactly the same as the one they shared during the years of Ryan’s addiction. There is a cycle there that at first glance appears to be a part of the solution but in fact and opinion is actually a piece of the problem. It is the continuation of a pattern, like a rollercoaster, that does not just belong to addiction or grief. While we may have heavenly expectations, the real truth is that we are all perfectly, irritatingly messy people in different and similar ways. The value of the anything and the everything can only come from the heart of the beholder if we want change to occur in the place that needs that individual most to do so. There is, after all, quite a bit of room within each of us for the details of our own words to lift us up, keep us walking in circles and to create messes without the outside attempting to control how we carry it or feel it. What a journey this has been for me and for you as well as Ryan and all the other dreams that are no longer here. It has been one that holds grief, also known as pain, anger and fear, by the hand and at times makes it hard to breathe even when we do feel brave. If you are going to do what I say, then get ready for the fall because it is actually a part of the solution in getting to know all of the I’m possible that you are actually capable of. In other words, beauty, messes, grief, understanding and even addiction are not defined by one person, place or thing but are rather a variety of places to go through and feel with your own expressions and experiences. Oh hell, what a journey we are each on and with the help of our flowers and those weeds, also known as the dreaded “f” moments, we are the sometime warriors who carry the weight of the world for all to see. I am going to lean in to hear my grief because hiding or denying it will only make it stronger but I am also not going to become it as I have always been so much more than what can be found there. Be kind but be loud in the words that you say as you lean in to hear your story while holding a box of tissues for the moments that hurt as well as the ones that make you laugh. You can, of course, continue to go that way in which case tomorrow just might be the better day to turn around to look into the mirror to see what a journey like yours has created. Whatever you do though, make sure you show up for yourself by also saying the words “I am sorry that you are here. How can I help?”

Lean With It #164

There is a distinct contrast between listening and actually hearing even though those words are used to define each other. When we take in what someone has to say, we are receiving what words mean and how those terms feel on the inside for that individual. What we actually hear though is what we feel and know about those words which is most often not what is being said by the other person. When a phrase holds a different truth for us, we can then devalue the opposing person’s experience or attempt to control how that individual carries it in the place that needs him or her most. What’s not there however is the understanding that words are merely words until our individual experiences are chained to them and thus give them the strength to lift up or to destroy. The term grief, for instance, is one that we associate most often with the loss of another person or perhaps even a pet. My limited view of that word took on a new meaning for me with Ryan’s death but I have also realized that both of us had been suffering that feeling well into the yesterdays long before he left this world. The fact and the opinion is that over the years of his addiction, but especially during times of sobriety, he carried the weight of the world in the grief that he had breathed into his heart. I was not able to understand what he had chained there nor it’s effects on him since that particular word meant something else for me. In other words, my restricted perception influenced my ability to hear his expressions and the importance of his definitions of them. No matter what term we are talking about, the most powerful we will ever be is in what we say to ourselves so actually hearing what’s there is a part of understanding and the ability to change what has been. Grief is not an expression that is synonymous with addiction or even thought of as being a part of it and yet it is a word that describes the pain that can be found in addicts or anyone for that matter. In a different truth it’s not just about the death of someone but rather the loss of life in a variety of ways. Are there moments for you that actually have contained grief? This is you and this is me and we are both grieving for what has occurred and what has been lost but especially for the pain. We are just alike and yet different depending on the details of our stories. Small things, such as a single word, can connect us or separate us but if we lean with it, while being together and not together, we are powerful enough to raise a little hell. After all, if we lean with it we are not just listening to words but we are actually hearing how they feel in the heart of each beholder. Say what needs to be said regardless of what any of it means to others because it is the most important thing you need in order to show up for you. Oh hell, you might as well go this way because that way has kept you walking in circles as well as lost. I am going to lean with my grief but it’s what I do with the knowledge of me on the inside that determines what kind of day it’s going to be. The hope is that you will also lean with yours while breathing in that you are and have always been so much more in a life that is so very heavell.

We have included a brief video, about 7 seconds, made by Ryan a few months before he died. He loved it when it snowed and he also enjoyed taking anything and everything and turning it into a laugh until your stomach hurts moment. Lean with it and rock with it because hiding, denying or burying it, especially through the use of substances, will not make it go away. What has been will always be wherever you are but what was hell yesterday can be transformed into the superpowers of today. Just ask your sometime warrior why he or she carries weeds and tissues while walking on flowers. Be loud, be kind but most of all hear the grief that has been keeping you in this place for far too long. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell.

Quite A Bit Of Room #163

There is always a particular moment, one that holds an intense dismay, in which we become aware that substance abuse has become powerful in our lives. Whether an addict or not, do you remember when and how that knowledge occurred for you? If you could choose just one word to describe how that time felt, what expression would you say best describes your sentiment? Both Ryan and I viewed the expression fear as the single most accurate description of our individual perceptions of addiction. That specific term placed us in the same group even though what each of us had chained to it was in direct conflict with what the other was keeping there. Ryan’s fear had been related to his need of a substance, an in-animate object, and mine of course was my desire for my son to be all right. That just alike designation contained different truths but also held the possibility of understanding each other because being scared is not defined by one person, place or thing. However it has never ever been an easy or simple thing to see especially when comparing an individual to a thing, such as a substance, and its part in the falling of that person. The small things that can be found in the details carry a lot more strength in their ability to help expand our view and thus facilitate change. Ryan’s perception was focused upon what he saw and felt which made it impossible for him to value anything other than those tricky drugs while our attention was on devaluing something he believed he needed and held a different view of. How difficult is it then to convince someone that a behavior, choice or BLAH is not in their best interest when they are in fact and opinion, on his or her inside, getting some sort of relief from that very thing? If our words hold our experiences and are defined by us as individuals, then the strongest we will ever be is found within those terms as the beholders of them; whether we are lifting up or destroying ourselves. After all, there is quite a bit of room for us to strive, struggle, be be-loved and stay in places for far too long in a so very heavell life. What’s not there though is the view that others will do as we say when the details behind our designations are different even if they seem similar or appear to be familiar. This is you and this is me, whether an addict or not. That nothing that has appeared to come from nowhere has always been something in the place that needs you most. At first glance whatever is there might seem like a weakness but the real truth is that it has always been, for your matter of time, leading to a step. What then is in your words that you say to yourself for that knowledge is a superpower to raise a little hell for you? Be loud but also be kind to the perfect person who is finding the way along his or her trail because while there may seem to be quite a bit of room there, there’s really only enough for that individual and a sometime warrior to go through. In other words, the fear and courage that he or she feels has been designated as the places to fall, walk in circles, step and to find the beauty of messes as only that person can. Have the best day possible in your kind of life by walking on your flowers while carrying your weeds.