This Strong #162

When I found out that Ryan was using drugs at the age of 17, I felt an incredible amount of fear that continued to hold my hand wherever I went; even when I was sleeping. As the years passed with his on again off again addiction, the intensity of that fear remained with me but I expressed it most often in the form of anger. It was the kind of distress that made it difficult for me to catch my breath or to slow down my pounding heart and racing mind on a daily basis. It was the loudest and yet loneliest place to be and I felt trapped. I was enduring being on a rollercoaster that would never ever let me get off and the irony was that Ryan’s addiction was just like that as well for him. After all controversary, or the hell, has a way of turning us inside out while also immobilizing us with the painful belief that falling means we are weak especially if it happens again and again. When we are in that kind of suffering and place of vulnerability, we often do not know where to turn for assistance. Join that with our apprehension of negative reactions to our request for support as well as the exposure of our “f” moments and walking in circles becomes a place of certainty. The fact and the opinion then is that it becomes easier and simpler with every given moment to stay and believe in that cycle even when we don’t want to or hate it. Whether an addict or not, comfort can be found in being with those who understand us but in that place we will also discover that some, our parts and those of others, will feed the hell while encouraging us to stay in that place for far too long. The belief that we are impossible and weak if we need help is a green truth while the real truth has always been that those things are actually the step before becoming this strong or in other words recognizing that at times all of us will require assistance in order to move forward. It also means that when others can’t it is because of the place they are at and we, in our matter of time, must try again and again for ourselves. This is you and this is me. We are different and yet we are just alike. We are this strong but the emotional definitions of others can have us believing that to have courage we can never ever be fearful or lost and that weeds are the definer of the whole even when flowers are present as well. Live through your words because what you have chained to them holds the causes of your falls but they also carry the ability to be I’m possible even in what appears to be the most impossible cycles. What you say to yourself is the strongest you will ever be whether you are destroying or lifting yourself up through them. Either way, I am going to wait right here with those tissues until you are ready to say what support means to you and then what are you willing to do in order to be that help while also accepting it from others. There is plenty of room in this so very heavell life to strive and struggle but each trail only holds enough space for ourselves and what we carry so you might as well be the perfect person to go through one step and one emotional definition at a time in order to be this strong.

Heavell will be sharing it’s first podcast tomorrow on Friday, October 30, 2020 as a tribute to Ryan (1988-2019) whose life taught us there is an art to living in heaven and hell as well as the power of words and their emotional definitions. Thank you for taking the time to listen to it and we hope you will join us in saying “Here’s to you Ryan and your so very heavell life”.

At First Glance #161

How difficult is it to begin where you are if your matter of time is spent thinking that you should be in some other place? Or what happens when you try to live through the words of others, to be as they say, rather than exist within your own? Those two things may appear to be completely different but they are in actuality very similar in the facilitation of the conflict within ourselves. Both create feelings of weakness and aloneness by encouraging us to believe that we should be somewhere else or be someone other than what we are literally working with. As we walk in circles or hide through the use of substances and other things, we hope that whatever sentiment we have will somehow change into something else. What’s not there though is the possibility for another person, a new locality or a thing on the outside of us to make an inside job emerge into the transformation that we desire. The concept, then, that I’m possible is hard to view or to even hold onto when every day seems like yesterday or we desire to be other than who we are. The fact and the opinion is that what breathes within us will always be wherever we are and it will be repeated until we build what is there into what we rise from. At first glance, you may only appear to be this strong but within you there is quite a bit of room to strive and struggle again and again until you find your way through. After all, sometime warriors and superpowers evolve from what’s not right rather than from the things that were all right to begin with. Start with the words that actually hold where you exist. What is in those expressions that you say to yourself and how did they come to be? Now turn around and find a different truth because the fall and rise of your words can either illuminate only the messes as a whole or expound on how your beauty can be found in the chaos as well as the small things. After all, as we go through piece by piece, there will always be things that we cry about that originates from the pain or because we laugh until our stomachs hurt as that suffering no longer feels like the weight of the world. Here’s to you and to me as well as those boxes of tissues. At first glance we may appear to have only failed but the real truth has always been that we are fabulously flawed unless of course you continue to go that way in which case today is just not the day but there’s still hope for tomorrow. Be loud, be bold but especially be kind to the perfect person who is going through this so very heavell life one fall and step at a time.

On Friday, October 30, Heavell will be sharing our first podcast in honor of Ryan (June 1988-May 2019) and the formation of the art of living in heavell on that date four years ago. Addiction may have brought the fear and the pain of hell into our lives but also located there was the realization that we were always capable of being so much more by seeing that what had appeared to be weakness was really the first step of strength; also known as a different truth or the illumination of the beauty that lives in the chaos. It just took our matter of time to get there while getting comfortably uncomfortable with being exactly who we are rather than what we appeared to be at first glance. Every dream matters whether here or not. See you soon. Love always, Heavell.

Be-Loved #160

In order to encounter today in a different way than was experienced in the yesterdays, change begins with understanding what you have lost as well as found and then that there is still so much more to locate; the view beyond what is just in front. For instance, we know that pain can easily be generated, is hard to let go of and is never ever easy to carry. Another aspect is the perception and resulting feelings of the things that cannot be recovered or replaced because of it. Those feelings of loss tend to effect our walking in circles just as much as the actual moments of pain do. Strength on the other hand can be hard to find, at times is fleeting but when possible, can carry the weight of the world with little effort. But it is also not without loss as strength, created from the process of going through pain, is the letting go of what has been familiar and stepping into the unknown. Getting comfortably uncomfortable is about accepting the parts that hold the things that you don’t like or even hate and knowing it’s all right to feel that way rather than being the definition of being flawed or weak. The fact and the opinion is that the more we hide or deny those moments and things the stronger they become on the inside of us because strength really isn’t about who we are or are not but rather what we believe and then feed. For your matter of time this is how you came along but how long you stay there or what you do with it is within your power to change in any given moment. When it comes to pain and strength, which one is be-loved and which one needs to be be-loved by you? How about now that you are aware that pain is the creator of strength but that it also holds an influence that depends on what you believe you have lost and found to continue to grow? Because words hold different emotional definitions for each of us, the value of yours cannot be found outside of yourself; especially through the use of people, places, things or substances. After all, if it were that simple, all it would take to change this would be for me to tell you to not feel the way you do or to behave as you have. The real truth is that you should probably be-loved by you in such a way that when you fall, you know it is a part of the process of becoming so much more. That it is all right to not to be all right but just don’t stay in that place for far too long by becoming what can be felt there. The hope for today then is that you will laugh and cry about yesterday while taking the hand of fear and that of courage in order to be your own beloved, also known as the beauty, in the tomorrows. Just ask yourself what you can say that will make the place that needs you most feel beloved and then say it as many times as you need to hear it. I am just going to wait right here while you locate that different truth about feeding the strength of your pain or using it in order to nourish what lifts you up. Got heavell? You certainly do because this is the kind of life where sometime warriors turn weeds into superpowers and the weight of the world into the be-loved of flowers just by simply turning around to see the view beyond what is just in front.