A necessity in this so very heavell life is the support that others can provide but more importantly is what we can do for ourselves even when what we feel is in conflict with that need. After all, when we only rely on what can be found on the outside of ourselves, those people, places and things, it is easier to not welcome the pain but instead to hide it so as not to appear to be flawed. As with all types of adversity though, there will always be a matter of time when others cannot provide the comfort and relief that we hope for from them. So what? When others distance themselves, what we often breathe in is the belief that it is justified because of who we are rather than it being because of who they are. If we believe it is because of us, whether an addict or not, then it becomes simple enough to step towards not being there for ourselves as well; to connect to the group that won’t. So what? Just like having a messy room, if we don’t accept and deal with all of the parts of ourselves, we will avoid spending anytime there; closing the door to what we don’t want to see or feel. The complication is that whatever we need to help ourselves can usually be found exactly where we left it in that place rather than outside of ourselves. This is you and this is me and some will lift us up in ways that we don’t always recognize or understand the value of. A different truth, then, is that some won’t as well and that holds just as much merit but also not in the way that it appears to us. In-between all that you think and feel is the complete story of you not as a part but as a whole who is made up of many pieces. Each of those will and or won’t but those parts and moments will always be wherever you are. The fact and the opinion is that the most fearful and courageous you will ever be is when you show up and fail to show up for yourself. What you do now with that knowledge is within your superpowers to either find the understanding and acceptance or continue connecting to the group that won’t either. Welcome to heavell where in any given moment pain can lift you up or destroy you, laughing requires just as many tissues as crying does and sometime warriors carry bouquets of weeds even when they are stepping.
Grief is a word that is usually associated with the loss of an individual and that particular hell but it also has always been a part of addiction although not for the reason that seems familiar. If we turn around and look for those who are grieving, we can find that pain in those who use substances, feel lost, have “f” parts and or moments or just about anything and everything in some way. I have been particularly intimate with that term on a daily basis since Ryan died last year. What I realized more recently, though, is that I had been experiencing that expression on and off for years long before he took his final breath and he had as well. Whether you are an addict or not, a different truth about grief is that it holds the parts of our stories that hurt, have fear and even anger. Grief isn’t just about losing someone as it includes other types of losses and sorrow. In-between what the mind knows and the heart feels are separate but equally important responses to the weight of the world. Together and not together they are emotional, mental, physical and spiritual reactions that occur when we are in the process of it. What has that word meant to you? Now turn around and see where in your life you were actually grieving but did not realize that. How does it feel now? Often our view is so focused on a particular thing that we fail to look beyond what is just in front. Grief, like addiction or beauty or whatever word, holds a different truth for each of us that has been created from our stories. The complication is that when we close the door on the moments that defined those terms for us, we are helping to facilitate the hell. In this kind of life, some will understand and support you and some won’t. Some will judge you and justify their treatment of you and some won’t. Some will love you no matter what and some won’t. The worth of that is in knowing that neither position changes the value of you unless, of course, you consent to it by agreeing; especially when connecting to those who won’t. This is you, as you are, as the perfect person to grieve, get angry, fall and be that beauty one moment at a time. After all, messes are a place to discover what hurts, what makes us laugh and cry as well as realize that while “f” moments appear to only be failures, they are actually essential in the creation of you; also known as a sometime warrior who holds a bouquet of weeds while walking on the flowers.
Tomorrow is the day that holds our hope that we will be viewed as we dream to be regardless of the things that have already been. It carries the possibility that understanding will allow us to breathe in brave as we leave behind the days that no longer have the ability to effect us. That is until a moment presents itself that turns us around because it seems like yesterday. No matter how many steps forward we take, things can appear that bring familiar feelings and thoughts that lead to the relatable reactions. If we have not discovered the balance between what has hurt and the beauty that lives there as well, the hell will always be close by to remind us of the things that still need to be transformed into what lifts us up; also known as superpowers. When you think of addiction, how do the words weak and courage feel in your heart in comparison to what your mind has defined them as being? Welcome to a little of the details of you through your perspective of just those two words and how they pertain to you. Now turn around to where those definitions were created in the yesterdays and see why you are relating to them in the manner that you are. Because even when a messy room has had everything rearranged, where we place our view of the before, during and the after helps to determine whether we feed what we believe is inadequate in ourselves or perceive of it as a small triumph. Rooms, moments and parts will always become chaotic again and again on this trail but it’s what you do with your knowledge of all of it that matters. Finding the value of getting comfortably uncomfortable with any mess holds the ability to be fearful and courageous at the same time. Welcome to the details that make you a dream, essential and an “f” moment maker in the way that only you can be. Oh hell, in this kind of life, the weeds tell the stories of sometime warriors while the flowers are the reminder that we are so much more.
Stepping into tomorrow will not change what has been nor what will be if we continue to place our moments in the position to destroy us. In other words, all of those failed moments have been leading us to eventually doing this better because we are aware of those things rather than continuing to repeat them because we will always just be them. How you feel cannot be altered by anyone or anything, not even those tricky substances, from the outside unless it’s somehow relatable to what you are already carrying on the inside. What if in this perfect moment, you were to acknowledge those things and then say “Welcome to just some of the details that make me who I am”? The messes, the parts and those moments are meant to be powerful in guiding each of us towards understanding what has worked and what hasn’t and then to try something else; even if that means another “f” moment. Hell can rearrange our perceptions of ourselves, for its matter of time, but so can we if we consent to doing so but then it has always been easier to reposition a room rather than ourselves. The fact and the opinion is that we spend more time trying to justify and hide things from the outside then we actually do in owning them even though we are still carrying the knowledge of all of it on the inside; where it is able to continue to feed the hell. This is me and this is you in similar and distinctly different ways. The most courageous you will ever be is when you are sitting amongst your own weeds getting comfortably uncomfortable with the nothing that came from nowhere in the place that needs you most. It can be all right but you are going to need to laugh until your stomach hurts, get loud in more than what the hell illuminates and carry lots of tissues for the moments that are sometimes far worse than we want them to be. If you are going to do what I say then get ready for the fall because it’s the only way to welcome a different truth in a life that is so very heavell. It seems like yesterday but I have the feeling that tomorrow is going to be the kind of day where addiction can become a superpower that sometime warriors will use to rearrange everything but especially the strength of hell. I am going to just wait right here in my own weeds while you step or fall into the beauty of yours.
A messy room is the place where things have found their way from where they belong into the other areas of that space. As the chaos grows, it becomes easier to just continue tossing the whatever wherever while pushing the jumbled piles into different positions so that they don’t appear to be a problem. Those objects, however, are not the only things that are accumulating while also being shifted and ignored. Our ever expanding feelings of denial, justification and being overwhelmed are also a part of the crowdedness. After all, it has always been easier for us to be aware of and understand the worth of things as they pertain to items rather than what actually lives and breathes in our minds and hearts; also known as the details of us. Now turn around and replace the term “a messy room” with the phrase “the cluttered parts of you”. The addiction, or the whatever that has been detrimental to your wellbeing, is an illumination of what is jumbled on the inside; just like the chaos that a room can hold. This is you and this is me and we don’t always want to rearrange everything in order to get comfortably uncomfortable with the “f” moments and the pain; sometimes it’s better but most often it is worse. The fact and the opinion, though, is that it only appears to be easier to limit our view of the messes through the use of substance or by being an illusion of perfection or by failing to look at all of the parts rather than just a piece. We can either find a different truth by going through all of it in our matter of time or the hell can continue to toss the whatever wherever and today will be a repeat of yesterday. I am going to wait right here while you start to rearrange everything but especially those flowers and weeds on the inside of you. The worth of those things has the ability to make it that kind of day but so do you through the understanding of your words and feelings. Above all, sometime warriors carry tissues for the moments that they fall, walk in circles and step in a life that is so very heavell. Here’s to the hope that what has hurt becomes what helps you to rise one moment at a time; also known as a superpower.
What do a messy room, cluttered parts as well as a space filled with people have in common? Despite not being easily seen, all of them can hold fear and pain while also being overwhelming. Each can also carry a piece of beauty even though that word is not found in the dictionary definitions of them. What is in the words that you say to yourself about those three expressions? What if you were to rearrange everything in order to view not just what is familiar but what you have believed to be impossible to see or to even be found within you? After all, if the hell can find a way to be illuminated while staying hidden, such as in addiction, then you can hold beauty and be jumbled with things like “f” moments as well. How are a messy room, cluttered parts and a space filled with people together while not together? The word together itself is defined as working collectively while not together is explained as being separate. All three of those terms have parts or moments that hold both definitions even when they only appear to represent a flaw or just a strength. A mess is balanced in what it brings even if we do not like it or what we believe it is an expression of. A space that is filled with people gives the appearance of unity and yet each individual is separate in how they came to be regardless of the location of the group or what it may represent. As much as we dislike the hell, we are most often focused upon it and not just because of the part that is known as addiction. The fact and the opinion is that we spend our matter of time avoiding the real truth about the chaos that can be found in parts versus wholes and that way has led to us being unaware that we are actually feeding the hell. If a messy room, cluttered parts, a space filled with people, addiction or whatever is not working for you then it is time for you to find a different truth and not one that is really just a green truth. In other words, you already know how to lose yourself so perhaps in this perfect moment you can get comfortably uncomfortable with the clutter. Here’s to rearranging everything and finding the meaning of your words in the place that needs you most. But wherever you place the whatever the hope is, as the heavell keeper of your life, that you will laugh until your stomach hurts and cry until you realize that it has always been all right to not be all right in any given moment even if a different truth told you it wasn’t.
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