In this so very heavell life, some of our feelings start and stop while others remain perpetually in motion. Because of that, it can be difficult to breathe and to remember the all that we are; whether an addict or not. Despite the desire to instill hope and motivation in us, words or phrases that focus on just feeling or being positive can actually have the opposite effect in our hearts. Those words feed the hell when we are unable to do as they say; creating a sense of yet another failure. Then, in order to hide the real truth, we will only let others see our green truth; even though that can be detrimental. After all, as we are, our minds are not able to talk our hearts out of carrying the weight of the world. Have you ever felt that way; whether an addict or not? Your words are used to narrate your story while your feelings hold the experiences of how each moment has felt in your heart. No one knows the all of you better than you do. What you do now with that understanding is a part of you finding this way or that way in order to help yourself go through. If you are scared, then just say you are as loud as you possibly can; we all are at some point even if we don’t appear to be. If you need help to do this, that is a strength; you consenting to showing up for you. But as you go through, understanding and being kind to the place that needs it most, also accept that it is all right to not be all right. The art of living in heavell is found in treating the hell and the heaven moments and parts equally; as each holds value in the creation of you. At times your life will be inspiring and at other times it will hurt while also having moments that are just BLAH; starting, stopping and perpetually moving. This is you and this is me in this kind of life; together and also not together. While you may go this way and I might just go that way, we are both able to take the nothing that came from nowhere and turn it into something beautiful; also known as sometime warriors that fall down.
Positive words, phrases and stories have and hold the power of inspiration for those that are in the place to hear those things. When someone has fallen, we will often use them to help lift that person up; to give hope. What’s not there, though, is our ability to change the hell for an individual by pointing out what we understand, from the outside, to be the heaven for that person. In the first few of years Ryan’s addiction, I spent a lot of time talking about, or rather reminding him of, all the amazing things that he was and had done; hoping to inspire him to return to that perceived of state. He was, after all, the kindest, smartest, defender of the underdog, most athletic, most handsome, the giver of bear hugs, funniest, most intuitive, give you the shirt off his back kind of dream who became a nightmare as a fallen angel who lied and stole a lot in order to feed his heroin habit. I really struggled with the contrast between what I viewed from the outside versus what Ryan had been experiencing on the inside. How did it feel when someone else decided what a moment felt like for you? Have you done that to others as well? Pain that is unheard becomes timeless regardless of positive words; able to wreak havoc in this moment and the next and the next one too. By trying to hand Ryan his will to fight, I prevented him from really speaking about the things that had gone wrong as well as what held pain; his real truth. Things changed for the better, even with falls, when he was able to narrate his story; while we both listened. We are all joined through the use of words but we do not view nor feel them in the same manner on the inside; even the inspirational ones. In this so very heavell life, you will be misunderstood and you will misunderstand as well; accept that. What’s not there is your ability to get someone to see or feel exactly as you do. What is there, though, in your superpowers is the capacity to find the understanding for each other. Beauty, fear, hope, pain and the BLAH are in the heart of the beholder. Turn around and step into the place that needs you. Then turn around again and listen to how others feel. Use their words to help you understand more about how you feel as well as how they do; the view beyond what is just in front of you. Do this because of and for you; whether an addict or not. After all, what is thought to be the nothing that came from nowhere has always been living somewhere. This is me, this was Ryan and this is you living this kind of life. If you are going to do what I say then just go that way because you already know how to lose yourself the other way. But whatever you choose to do, here’s to the “f” moments that make each of us who we are; also known as perfectly, irritatingly, messy people. Oh hell, maybe we should just turn around and go that way instead.
When we think of things that come from nowhere, we visualize actions, words or the BLAH that suddenly appear without warning. What we don’t realize is that those things happen most often on the inside of ourselves; blindsiding us when they do. Our hearts grasp our feelings while our minds hold the words that we use to narrate our stories. They are separate parts within the whole that are together while not together. Because of that, what resonates with one does not necessarily translate for the other. Think back to a moment in your life when you felt very strongly about something that happened to you; whether an addict or not. Was it your mind that hurt or was it your heart that felt the pain? Were you able, at the time, to go through and say exactly how you felt? Did you then stop feeling that way once you expressed yourself? Or are you still carrying it in your heart because it is timeless? As you are, your mind is able to understand the who, what, how and why of moments. Your heart, however, does not use words to voice the emotions that it holds; declaring itself through pain, anger, sadness, anxiety, doubt or even the BLAH. So what? Turn around and understand that your mind can’t talk your heart out of feeling the weight of the world. What is there, though, is your ability to be all right while not being all right in some parts and or moments. This is you and this is also me finding our way in this kind of life; a so very heavell one. We are not illusions of perfection but instead are the bringers of hell and the beholders of heaven; in any given moment. What appears to come from nowhere can always be found living in our hearts; from the all that has been for us. Believe in your yesterdays but know that those things were never ever meant to go through into the tomorrows as the repeating of what has already been. Got Heavell? Of course you do. Why else would you be a sometime warrior with super powers who also falls? I’m just going to wait right here while you grasp your tissues as you go to that place that’s called nowhere; also known as your heart.
A year ago at this time, we were in an unexpected and unbelievable hell with Ryan being hospitalized. We went from his being on a long awaited fishing trip with a favorite uncle to being airlifted back to Tucson. He had fallen ill which resulted in his being unable to breathe on his own without the help of a ventilator; a consequence of his former substance abuse. Each day during that three week journey was an emotional rollercoaster; a battleground on the outside and the inside for all of us. It has seemed like yesterday over this past year through the moments that have appeared out of nowhere; even when I am laughing until my stomach hurts. After all, it is not my mind that is in distress but rather my heart that sometimes feels like it can’t breathe from the weight of how every moment has felt. Whether an addict or not, you have also had those moments in which your heart has continued to hurt despite what you or others said. As individuals who are experiencing this kind of life in different ways, we are connected by the understanding of what that means; regardless of the who, what, how or why for each of us. What you have breathed into your heart cannot be perceived of from the outside unless of course you express it in ways that it can be heard; at times those patterns will be detrimental to you and or others. Even when you do say what needs to be said, it often can and will be misunderstood by what others view; accept that. When you speak, it is to share your perspective but most of all it is because of and for you; so that you will listen to you. What you seek outside of yourself will never ever bring the relief for what is on the inside. While this life may exist in people, places and things, it is actually interpreted and lived through our feelings and personal emotional definitions; having been filled with our moments. Because of that, it is then within our reach to provide comfort and understanding to the place that needs it most; our hearts. What has been done cannot be undone nor will it ease in it’s loudness until you get comfortably uncomfortable with just being you. Oh hell, it’s going to be that kind of day. One in which you, as the heavell keeper of your life, hold the key to what hurts, makes you laugh and cry, find understanding for and the kindness that your heart needs. After all, you have always been the perfect person to take the nothing that came from nowhere and turn it into something beautiful; otherwise known as you. Here’s to having “f” moments and the all that they bring for us to hold. Love, Heavell.
The expression “making something out of nothing” has been used in reference to the creation of things that have merit but also in order to devalue the reactions of others. In other words, depending on how you use or receive that statement, it can either hold heaven or it can bring hell. Responses that appear to come out of nowhere are often thought to be an overreaction to a moment or situation; that “making of something out of nothing” What’s not there, though, is the ability to see why someone may be expressing his or her self in that manner. Fear, pain, feeling unheard, anxiety, a familiar pattern or even the BLAH can affect one’s ability to say what needs to be said without getting loud while doing so; whether an addict or not. A green truth then would be that a reaction came from nowhere or that it has been made out of nothing. The real truth is that our responses occur from what has been created over a lifetime of heaven and hell moments; especially the ones hidden in the shadows. If it seems like yesterday then it probably is because whatever needs to be dealt with is still waiting for you. What can also be found there, though, is your ability to elicit change and understanding because of and for you. This is me and this is you, regardless of being an addict or not, finding our way in this kind of life; a so very heavell one. All of it matters because your patterns have been created from the things that you feel; not those that I do or that someone else does. In this kind of life, what you do today will either repeat the yesterdays or transform what has hurt into the appreciation of the falls. After all, you are the heavell keeper of your life who is able to “make something out of nothing”; with either the help of your sometime warrior or your pain. This is the perfect moment for you to decide if you are breathing it in or just breathing. I will just wait right here while you locate the beauty that only you can find; in your kind of life.
When others repeat their behaviors, it can feel as if they are saying that you should be here as well; replaying what has already been. If you are trying to change, that adversity can then facilitate you into “making something out of nothing”; often in detrimental ways. Those actions and reactions, yours and others, have always just been there but they are not the justification or the excuse for remaining in the same place. They are, however, the expressing of personal emotional definitions and patterns. Located there, as well, is the understanding of how difficult it can be, also known as a hell, to transform when others remain the same; in this kind of life. A part of evolving, though, is recognizing that you have the ability to view more than just what you imagine is there; and not there. Why is it so much easier to allow some individuals to speak, to facilitate that, then it is to listen to those who say the things we do not want to hear or feel; whether an addict or not? Fear and pain, often expressed in the “making of something from nothing”, are a reflection of the place that someone is at; especially if it seems like yesterday. If you can perceive of the importance of each of us articulating from our positions, without breathing it in, then you can transform the adversity into understanding; because of and for you. Change has never been an easy thing to do but then sometime warriors have never ever been needed in heaven now have they? This is me and this is you in this kind of life where in any given moment we can feed the hell and or nourish the heaven. So here goes “the making of nothing into something” by just being who you are. In this kind of life, the mirror knows that you have always been the perfect person to go through. So get your tissues and start listening. After all, the real truth is that it’s not my words but what’s in your words that will bring about what you need. Whatever you are waiting for, it can’t happen unless you do this because of and for you. In this kind of life, falling has always been as important as stepping; even though that’s not what you imagined would be found there.
Within transformation is the illusion that all we need to do is simply stop doing or feeling whatever in order to be successful in moving forth. As individuals though, we each have and hold our personal moments, feelings and emotional definitions; including the BLAH. The way we perceive of and react to life has been and will continue to be shaped by those things; especially our pattern of coping. Adversity, found on the inside and the outside, is the creator of pain as well as the need for change; in both places. Do you believe that falling, which holds its’ own controversary, is a part of the undertaking of any type of evolution; whether an addict or not? What, then, is in the words that you say to yourself when an inevitable tumble does occur? When our view is limited, we often don’t realize that in order to transform, we have to find understanding by stepping into ourselves. If you are going to do what I say then turn around because how you breathe those things into your heart has long been an established pattern; one that can’t evolve without the all of you. If you have something to say that is in need of being heard, then you are the essential person required to speak and to listen to your little boxes of feelings. If it seems like yesterday, are you acting and reacting in the same manner as you always have? What’s not there is the justification or the excuse to not change based upon what others have done or are doing; whether an addict or not. What may seem like yesterday is actually what you still need to get uncomfortably comfortable with; what you are in control of. Are you sure, that whatever you choose to do, you don’t want to just do it because of and for you? After all, the way you do things has never ever been that simple but neither is a so very heavell life. It’s those moments, feelings but especially the falls that adversity uses to help create your sometime warrior. So even though it may seem like yesterday, it really is today. Turn around and look in the mirror. What you imagine is not there has always been there but it’s hard to perceive of those things when staying in a place for far too long.
The adversity that can be found on the inside often feeds off of what can be found on the outside; the words and the actions of others. When we are in the painful process of change, the beholder of its very own controversary, the repeating of patterns can and does effect our ability to transform; or whether it has lasting results. What seems like yesterday is actually a duplicate of it because others have an established personal system of behaviors as well. Imagine, then, trying to say the things that you need to while others respond as they always have. How do their words weaken your belief that transformation will ever be possible; helping to keep you in that perceived of hell? So what? An illusion or green truth is that someone else needs to evolve; especially if an addict. The real truth is we all must step forward otherwise we will each continue to walk in circles; while repeating what has already been. What’s not there is your ability to illicit someone else’s understanding or change; unless of course he or she desires to see beyond just what is in front. We can accept others for who they are just as we hope they will for us. We can also not breathe into our hearts what is in the words and the actions of others. Recognizing that it is a reflection of the place they are at rather than the value or the definition of ourselves. However, all of that has always been easier when controversary is not bringing pain; which almost never ever happens. What, then, can you do for yourself as you work to do this better on the inside; while also being challenged on the outside by what seems like yesterday? You can be kind to yourself as you tumble and walk in circles as a part of the beauty of hell; the pieces of the undertaking of evolution. Understand that we don’t just stop behaving or feeling in the ways that we have; because those long established patterns interfere with that. We may hope to but the confusion created by the adversity ensures that stepping has never ever been an easy choice or action. But while those patterns may have shaped your ability to show up as well as go through in the past, they also have never ever been meant to be the continued definers of the tomorrows. Take the hand of fear and that of courage as you tumble along your trail. Know that you will take steps forward, no matter the size or the strength, in your matter of time. If it seems like yesterday, then turn around because transformation is exactly what sometime warriors are for. I’m just going to wait right here for you to consent to being who you are; the bringer of hell and the beholder of heaven. After all, there may be more than one way to pick weeds and smell flowers but there has always been only one you as the heavell keeper of your life. Oh hell, did I remind you to bring your tissues? I’m sorry, I guess its going to be that kind of day. The one in which you get to decide if you are going to breathe it in or just breathe.
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