Our need to connect encourages us to consent to being similar; at times losing ourselves in that belonging. We have a limited view of the circle of heavell when we change, hide or deny parts of ourselves in order to be or appear to be a member of whatever. By not valuing the uniqueness of each person, we are feeding the hell with the expectation that everyone should be, feel and respond in the same manner; the fracturing of wholes. If you have fallen, in whatever manner that has occurred, can you perceive that a piece of you wants to be seen? To be understood, not as an “f” part, but rather as one that has something to say? Who you are includes beauty, falls, fear and steps but most of all the ability to change what you hate or what hurts; through the understanding of you. Turn around and see what has been done. Are you sure you want to continue to do today what you did yesterday; while expecting a different outcome? Are you sure that other people, places, things, substances or even the BLAH hold more value than you do? Are you sure you don’t want to believe that you are the perfect person to have fallen in hell and then to change that into a superpower? It’s all right to be scared while not being together and together at the same time. I will just wait right here while you see that you are the beauty and the fear, also known as the pain, that can be found every where you are.
What would you say if I told you that I can tell you how to be victorious; whether an addict or not? What if it only required one thing? That answer, then, would simply be that you just have to do what I tell you to do; even though you are different than I am. How did you feel reading that green truth? Every day we are told who, what, how and where in order to succeed; or to be a dream or to have beauty. All of that information is located on the outside of ourselves; encouraging us to consent to what someone else believes rather than ourselves. It’s not that others don’t have knowledge or a vision of the things that can lift us up, but along with that heaven is its partner hell; or the ability to destroy us as well. Being who you are has always been enough in this so very heavell life. It’s what you do with it on the inside and then the outside that matters. Listen, but don’t breathe into your heart the words and the actions of others. They can have and hold different meanings despite what appears to be similar definitions of them. A dear friend told me this week that “If you win but you lose yourself in the process, it is still a loss” after someone encouraged her daughter to become who she isn’t in order to be viewed as the best at something; to be victorious. Are you sure that you want to continue to look outside of the perfect person in order to find acceptance? To deny or change who you are in order to connect? What will you do with that knowledge now; since you already know how to lose yourself? Are you willing to continue to stay there or are you ready to just be you? Sometimes making a difference for yourself is found in simply getting comfortable with the all that you are and have been; especially the pain. If your going to do as I say then you better get ready for the next fall because it has always been a part of the journey; for all of us. Did I forgot to mention that victories always involve some form of falling; whether an addict or not? Oh hell, the view beyond what is just in front is filled with weeds; and some flowers as well. I’m going to need more tissues as I laugh until my stomach hurts and cry as I carry the weight of the world in my heart. I’m all right in the not so all right moments. Are you sure you aren’t as well? See you soon. Love Heaven and Hell.
The description of beauty is the coming together of the best parts; whether in people, places or things. Sometimes, that perception is found in just how we feel or have felt while in a particular place or moment; and the remembering of such things. We often consent to the idea that beauty is only a part of heaven; the things that feel good or we love. That limited view, though, fails to recognize that beauty is the beholder of all. The real truth is that the purpose of beauty is to help us to see beyond what is before us; not just the end results or what appears to belong only to others. The art of living in heavell is in perceiving of the beauty that can be found no matter where we are; but especially in the pain, the “f” moments or the BLAH. Even the people, places, things or substances that we hate have a combination of parts or moments that hold beauty. Can you imagine, then, what the beauty of a fall is? Turn around and have that understanding with yourself that beauty lives in walking in circles and falls; but you have to find it. It’s all right that you are together and not together because we exist on the inside and the outside in so very heavell ways. Look at you and the words that you use to define what beauty is; the pieces that you saw yesterday. Now turn around and find what that means today; especially where it has been hidden in the shadows. Before you stay too long in a place that you shouldn’t, turn around and look in the mirror. What you will find there is the perfect person to have and to hold it all. It can be a painful place but if you breathe in being together and not together, you can find the beauty of you as a circle of heavell.
The words beauty and fear hold different and similar meanings; but occur in distinct ways on the inside of each of us. Those personal emotional definitions are created through our views, perceptions and moments; not through dictionary definitions. While we assume that beauty is a word that feels good for everyone, for some it can exist on the inside as a representation of their inadequacies; the things that can never be for them. Fear, itself, invokes a variety reactions as well in response to the things that we each believe are scary. Every definition, of those two words, is the real truth; unique views from different positions on the circle of heavell. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? Can you turn around and feel the things that came together for you to define those words as you understand them? This is me and this is you in a life that is so very heavell. What holds pain for me, also known as fear, may not be what carries your hurt and anger. The places and pieces where beauty can be found for me, are not flawless. What you are aware of may involve perceived perfection or colors and shapes or the BLAH. Despite these different perceptions, we can connect by recognizing the view beyond what is just in front of us; each being essential and valuable. What do your fear about falling? What can be beautiful about descending into a part or place; especially the painful ones? There is something about you that you need to say; for you. There are also things that you need to listen to; whether an addict or not. The power of words, the hell, beauty, the heaven or even the BLAH exists on the inside. In this place of what will you do with it now, go through word by word and feel what is there. Have that understanding with yourself that by asking for tissues when you are crying, you are being a sometime warrior while also being fallen; holding the hand of courage and that of fear. Listen, you know what to say to destroy yourself. What if you told yourself the things that will help you breathe in brave? After all, as you are, you are the perfect person to just step inside to the beauty and the fear; of you. Another moment is coming and it just might be the perfect “f” one. What will you do with it now; whether together or not together in nature? I will just wait right here while you pick your weeds and smell your own flowers as the heavell keeper of your life.
Too often we underestimate the fear that we experience from the things that may be or actually have been. Being in that place puts us in the position of being uncomfortable; with who we have been, who we are and who we will be. We tend to connect being weak with feelings of fear but as it is, it holds so much more; if we are able to see the view beyond what is just in front of us. Fear holds a mix of feelings that carry pain, regret, anxiety, sadness, doubt, loneliness and even the BLAH; as felt in the heart of each beholder. What is in that word for you? What have you chained to its meaning on the inside of you? Being able to have strength, of any size, when we experience fearfulness is another part that we tend to misunderstand; even though courage exists with and because of fear. When we have courage, it does not mean that we have handled or will manage the anything and the everything without falls, tears, anxiety or walking in circles. In our matter of time, we are both scared and brave in ways that are essential and valuable. To be aware of fear is to also experience courage; acknowledging what hurts or where we don’t feel strong. Step inside to where you are and have that understanding with yourself. Feel the fear but also recognize even the smallest courageous moments or thoughts; keep them together. Turn around and look at you; at the all that you have been through. Can you now see that you have always been so much more than what was defining you? Fear can only limit what can be perceived and changed if we underestimate what it means to be brave while being scared; whether an addict or not. Listen, turn around and see the beauty of the perfect person to have and to hold both while going through here and there.
While it is not easily seen, it actually takes courage to be in the places and positions that we fear and hate; even if we are a part of how we got there. Does it scare you to find the understanding of that? Are you ready to do so by treating all of you equally? This is me but this is also you, because while we are different, we are just alike when the anything and the everything involves fear; whether an addict or not. Turn around and see what both fear and courage meant to you in the yesterdays. Now turn around again and tell me what you feel today. What have you added to your personal emotional definitions of those words; and what do you need to let go of that no longer fits? I know that in the tomorrows I will step, fall and walk in circles as a part of the creation of me; doing this well and not handling every moment as I hope to. I also understand that I will feel fear there as well. So what? All of those things will always be found along the trail in familiar, similar and uncharacteristic ways. After all, this life is not an illusion of perfection but a what will you do with it now kind of place; the creator of sometime warriors by destroying us in any given moment. Will you continue to feed the hell or will you be so much more? Yesterday has already been done and that’s all right because today and tomorrow hold the hope of a view that hasn’t been seen just yet; the possibility of acceptance and change. Turn around and be amazed at the process of you; especially at what its taken for you to fall. Then turn around and understand that courage, often unseen, has been a part of every moment; though at times with unintended results. This is an uncomfortable place to just be in; but addiction, even if it is the loudest, is only one piece of it. I’m sorry that you are here but you can’t get to the whole of you by being, believing, or pretending to only be, a part. Let’s just be so very heavell together; one step, fall and walk in a circle at a time.
Sometimes its the point that we are at on the inside that makes things feel as if we are in hell; rather than the location of actually being there. When we deny or hide some of our feelings, we are unable to truly experience all of them. Can you be kind to yourself in those “f” moments; frustrated, fragile, failure, fragmented, fearful, faulty…? Can you laugh as hard as you cry especially when you are feeling pain? If you can see that something about you, then the words that you say will hold the understanding of all of you; and not just the pain. The creation of you is as timeless as are all of your moments, feelings and words. How long you stay in one particular part or place, and how it feels there, has always been within your power to decide; reacting or taking action. Step inside to you where you are and meet you; a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person. Listen, have that moment where you have the courage to dislike some of the parts on the inside; as well as the outside. Feel the fear that comes with knowing that you will fall or walk in circles in familiar and uncharacteristic ways in this so very heavell life. The real truth of you is a timeless process of discovering that you are the perfect person to bring hell, to live it, but also as the beholder of heaven; as you choose. When you go through what hurts or those “f” moments, rather than repeating them on the inside and the outside, you step into not consenting to any of it being the sole definer of you. After all, as you are, you have always been so much more. Being brave isn’t a part of illusions of perfection but a position that our sometime warriors hold; found only when in hell. We all get scared and this is the perfect moment to say so. Got heavell? You certainly do because it’s as timeless as you are.
If you had the ability to change something from the yesterdays, would you? The skill of seeing what should have been done is never perceived of in the yesterdays, as its happening, but can always be found in the next moment or the next in the tomorrows. Can you then be kind to that person whose view was limited in that place; on the inside and or the outside? Those moments, that are timeless, become a part of the expansion of what we are able to perceive of; for today. There is a sometime warrior who made it, last week, through a piece of one of her challenges. She had been unable to see, in the yesterdays, that she was going to get there. That amazing act was not an end to her particular journey but none the less holds value along the way of stepping and falling; or walking in circles. There are at least two other young men named Ryan in my life. There are moments that I handle well and other ones where their presence brings the pain of my loss roaring to the front; a trigger of sorts. I couldn’t imagine not always feeling that pain and yet there are now days that I don’t. I am, as well as that sometime warrior, riding the rollercoaster of a so very heavell life; on the inside and the outside. Have that understanding with yourself that you will not always want to go through any of this nor be able to do it well in every moment; whether an addict or not. Steps, falls and walking in circles are valuable, essential and timeless positions that help us find the view beyond what is just in front of us. The hope is that you will transfer what you hate into what you love by accepting and changing today what wasn’t possible yesterday. It’s all right to feel it all. I will wait right here for you to look in the mirror to see the perfect person to go through. The question today is what will you do with the yesterdays? After all, this journey is timeless so maybe tomorrow, or perhaps in the next one, you will view an answer that you never imagined as possible.
To that sometime warrior and her sometime warrior mom: You have found the courage to dislike what is before you; no longer consenting to it being the sole definer of you. Take it just one fabulous and frustrating moment at a time; embrace the fear and the hate. I am sorry that you are here but you are the perfect people to go through, as only you can, in your hell. Thank you for inspiring me to imagine more than what was just before me last week. Love, Heavell.
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