Over the years, life is chained together on the inside of us; filled with our moments and feelings. It can feel as if there is never enough time to just be in the places that we love and always too many moments in the positions that we don’t want to be in. The real truth is that the best place to begin has always been right where you are; even if you hate being there. Step inside where you live so that you may find the understanding for what exists in the place that only you can see. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? Whatever those words hold, all of it is waiting to be accepted by you. Can you do so especially when your words are filled with “f” moments, hurt, fear, anger and the BLAH? Part of your beauty can be found in your steps, walking in circles and even the falls; no matter the size or strength. You have always been so much more than what can be viewed right in front of you but this is you disappearing on the inside when you don’t believe in what your words hold for you. This is me and this is you finding our way in a life that is so very heavell. Have that moment of fear but also have that perception of courage that exists there as well; both live within you just as heaven and hell do. Have that fall, in your matter of time, but hold on because, in another moment or the next, it will be all right. What if you went word by word to see and feel the most powerful person in your life? Can you consent to being a circle of heavell; rather than just feeling and feeding the hell? A part can bring down a whole but it’s what your not dealing with that’s keeping you in the position that you don’t want to be in. Will you continue to have that or will you consent to being the beholder of heaven as well? I will wait right here with a box of tissues because addiction has always just been the green truth about essential and valuable circles of heavell. Together as a whole, let’s laugh and cry as hard as we exist word by defining word.
What the word addiction means to each of us is often confined to the place that we are at; existing in our positions as well as the pain, anger, beliefs and the BLAH. By only seeing the vision that is before us though, we continue to feed the hell; whether that is our intent or not. Is it a choice or is it a disease? No matter how much we consent to the green truth, a part or some parts can never ever equal a whole. Just as we need to listen to the all of ourselves, there is value in going through what can be perceived of from the positions of others; but never to be breathed into our hearts as our own perception. Have that understanding of yourself, word by word, but if its keeping you in the same place, as in walking in circles, then its time to view beyond what is just in front of you; which at times requires the words of others. To do this well, we have to be willing to recognize that we are the perfect people to bring hell. At times we have such a need to be heard that we fail to just listen to ourselves; and to do so for others. There is a saying that we use to empower our words “the truth hurts”. Those words, just like giving unwanted tissues and having a limited view, imply “I am not listening to how you feel nor to what you may see; especially when it is different from my own”. They consent to the continuing of cycles that repeat the yesterdays; despite expecting a different outcome today. This is me and this is you and we are existing through our words in a life that is so very heavell. Don’t fear being in the perfect place to step inside where you are or to hear words that hold distinct feelings for others. Adversity is a part of hell but it’s what you do with it that determines if it will become a step on the journey to heaven or not. The beauty has always been in your ability to change what you hate into what you love by going through; transferring the pain into understanding. Oh hell just be a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person who falls down, steps and walks in circles; while dragging chains filled with moments, feelings and words. Be the person who can speak from the inside and listen to the outside for you. I am sorry but you are going to need to have that box of tissues for yourself. I’m still finding my way, word by defining word, and there are going to be a lot more tears; for the yesterdays, for today and most likely for the tomorrows. Its all right because I am just being me; breathing in brave while picking my weeds and smelling my own flowers. See you soon. Love, Heavell
The hell and or addiction are not just the results of feelings, perceptions or the BLAH but instead are a part of existing in a life that is so very heavell. We consent to them being the strongest parts in our lives; just waiting for the perfect moment for us to turn around or fall. Even in those moments that we are able to breathe, we know they are always near by; through our having and holding pain as well as fear. What is your personal emotional definition of either one? How do you feel in your heart when you say what they mean to you? One of the ways in which we cope through either place is by walking in circles; repeating words, feelings and actions. In our matter of time, we will often stay too long in the place that we shouldn’t; whether that’s heaven or hell. This is me and this is also you finding our way in a life that is so very heavell. In order to stand, we have to view beyond where there have been falls. It has never ever been that simple to find the answers in only one place; because a part cannot equal a whole. You have always been the perfect person to change the existence of hell or addiction within you; step by step, fall by fall while also walking in those circles. This is the moment or the next or even the next to locate what is in your heart, your words and your actions. Listen, life on the outside will never ask you on the inside if you are ready for what it will bring; or even if you want it. However, the mirror, your sometime warrior and all of your parts are waiting right there for whenever you are ready to go through; as only you can. You are not alone, even in a room full of people, because you have always had it all. Can you look at you and see that you have always been so much more? Please hold on because it has always been all right to just be you. After all, as you are, you are the reason beauty can be found existing in hell and addiction.
Often when someone cries, we offer tissues so that the tears may be wiped away and the nose may be blown. That simple act of handing tissues to another, though, has the ability to bring hell. Say what? On the surface is the appearance of caring, however, those personal emotional definitions hold what that action actually means on the inside for each person. Some may view that being given tissues is an indication that the other person is uncomfortable with his or her crying. While some may feel as if their articulation of pain is being controlled; even devalued. Regardless of our intent, how someone else experiences our words and actions is an inside existence. Look at you and find your meaning, your real truth, of giving or being handed tissues; not the appearance of it nor the dictionary definition of it. Understand that others, even a room full of people, may not feel the same way you do. It is all right because you are the only one who has come together as you have; essential and valuable whether an addict or not. Your superpower is to take those tissues and continue to cry or to refuse them and just use your sleeve; or more importantly be the person who waits to be asked for them. Be loud in viewing all of you and be quiet while not breathing into your heart the words and actions of others. Look at you when you feel pain or fear because you are the heavell keeper of your life. You hold the key to what you do with all of it; just don’t feed the hell for longer than you should. Cry as hard as you laugh, exist in heaven as often as you do in hell, feel fear and courage but most of all never ever forget to look at you. I will just wait right here with a box of tissues but you will have to choose to reach for them or not. Either way, they are just one step or fall away from wherever you are.
Thank you Taylor for reminding me to always view beyond just what is in front of me. Look at you finding your way in this so very heavell life. I will always bring tissues for the both of us; just in case our moments are articulated through tears of laughter and those of grief. Love you.
Over and over the things that carry the weight of the world for us find their way into every part of us; becoming an epidemic on the inside. Whether and addict or not, change can occur in our parts from any given moment; regardless of the size, strength or if felt or seen by others or not. The misery, also known as the pain or the hell, feeds our fear by saying the things that we listen to as the real truth. Yesterday, today and even tomorrow will all be the same if we avoid dealing with any of it; by using people, places, things, time or substances. Including the anything and the everything, while going through in your matter of time, is the only way to step inside to the place where you need to be. Fear, seen and felt as a part of the hell, is actually the friend of courage. Without it you would never ever need the strength of a sometime warrior nor realize that there are things that require understanding; especially to transfer hurt into an ability to step forward. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? How do they feel in your heart? Between those elements, is where you will find your strengths and your weaknesses. Look in the mirror and tell me what you see before you. Now step inside where the lies and the pain have a hold of you; and look around at what else can be found there. The power of the hell is an inside position despite the things that occur on the exterior. Be loud and be quiet while you breathe in the beauty of your superpower; the ability to accept, change, love and hate but never to deny you. Just step inside the perfect person to bring hell but who is also the beholder of heaven. What will you do now; whether an addict or not? The art of living in heavell is in the elements of being a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person. You are yours to have and hold; to just be a beautiful and painful work in process.
If the weight of the world is more than you can hold on the inside, what are you doing with it on the outside; whether an addict or not? Those similarities that can be found with others can be perceived as wholeness; everybody is doing, feeling or knows it. Being seen and heard on the exterior can also bring a sense of strength; there you are. But the real truth is that if we continue to walk in circles in a place where we feel connected, our own journey can be delayed. When we are only being on the outside of ourselves we are, at times, feeding the very hell we want to leave in the yesterdays. There are parents, regardless of any similarities or differences, that know how it feels to have lost a dream. They, unfortunately and thankfully, can see me. It is an easy place for me to just be in. When I stay there too long though, I can feel that pain dispersing into all of me; becoming an epidemic in parts that it doesn’t even belong in. It is such an undesirable and overwhelming emotional state of being. That place, even for the strongest, then move us towards avoiding it or finding agreement and or relief; whether an addict or not. Can you step inside and love what has been defining you there; accept and be kind to what hurts? This is you finding your way and this is also me. We will do this together on the outside but more importantly we each need to go through on the inside; piece by piece. Take the hand of fear and that of courage and step inside to the person who has the power to understand you; to always be there for you. Listen, as you are, it’s all right to not be all right in this so very heavell life. Just don’t stay there for too long otherwise it will all feel the same; making it hard to remember that you have always been so much more. After all, it matters what you do with the hell that lives in you; especially the pieces hidden in the shadows.
Imagine a moment in which you felt lonely and lost; broken and fallen. No matter what others said, you continued to breath in a part or that moment; whatever was loudest on the inside. The voice of that little box of feelings then pushed the other parts of yourself into the shadows. What words did you say to yourself back then? If you were listening to that pain, as a definer of you, then hell stayed close by; becoming an epidemic on the inside. The power of that can be transformed into what you consent to it having been in the yesterdays and what it will become in the tomorrows. This is me and this is you pursuing a life that will always have and hold moments of happiness and pain; whether we want it to or not. If you have stayed in the same place on the inside, then it won’t matter today who or what is on the outside of you; and the tomorrows will be a repeat of the yesterdays as well. I will wait right here while you listen to the perfect person to speak about the view that can be found beyond what has just been in front of you. Be quiet while you get loud with the all of you. Believing, accepting and changing the power of the hell has always been found in what you do with it; in your matter of time and not one moment sooner. After all, as you are, you have believed that hell is strong when the real truth is that its weak. Just listen as your sometime warrior tells you what it knows about your circle of heavell.
In the last hours of his life, Ryan exclaimed “this fucking sucks” Each of us, including Ashlee, realized that any hell we had gone through would not even compare to what was before us in that moment. We each disappeared on the inside, in our ways, as we were being overwhelmed by what was happening on the outside of us. Listen, you don’t have to be in that place in order to find an understanding of what that held for us; nor to be aware of the pain that lives so loudly in any hell for anyone. This is me and Ashlee and that was Ryan but this is also you; falling from the weight of the world, known as the hell, as felt in the heart of each beholder. Listen to what helps you to remember the all of you; feeling both the heaven and the hell. Have and hold the rest as the things to learn from, to do better or to let go of, but never to be used as the sole definer of who you are. This is me, an “f” moment maker, a sometime warrior, a bringer of hell and the beholder of heaven; falling, stepping and walking in circles as I go through here and there. That is who I am. Who are you? Listen, the art of living in heavell means being fearful and or courageous in any given moment; sometimes doing it well and at other times disappearing. You are more than a moment or part or the hell or even what someone decides on the outside of you. This is the perfect moment to step into your real truth; for you.
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