What do you want from yourself that can only be found on the inside of you? Do you only want to be just a part or would you rather be a whole; whether an addict or not? In this so very heavell life, the challenge is to see the all of ourselves; as well as that of others. There are things that we do, say and are that even in a moment can imply who we are to other people; and to ourselves. Often though what is thought to be known is the green truth rather than the real truth about us. In a matter of time, a sometime warrior can be a mess and a mess can be a sometime warrior. I have been both separately and together; the perception of which has not been easily seen nor understood. Imagine if you will the moment that you realized that you, or a loved one, had become an addict. That desperate time when we realize that a substance has become the strongest part is when we feel fear take ahold of our hearts; for both an addict and a non-addict. It is the beginning of a painful process of learning to cope through a place we do not want to be in. A part of falling into that hell is the inability to see the real truth; taking its matter of time in each of us. The apples known as denial and enabler keep us walking in circles. What they provide is the ability for our hearts and minds to do what we are capable of at the time; while having and holding the weight of the world. Hope can also be found there through the desire that tomorrow will be all right even though today is not. A green truth is that we can’t be a sometime warrior while facilitating addiction. How, when and if we step moves from our personal knowledge that is lifted only when we each feel the capacity to do so; feeling strong enough to change. It seems easy enough to tell addicts to just stop using substances or to communicate to others to quit enabling them. It has, however, never ever been that simple in a life that is so very heavell on the inside and the outside of us. We can understand, though, that if we behave today as we did yesterday, and do so again tomorrow, that things will not likely change for the better. If you are scared then just say you are because that is courage and fear; as well as strength and vulnerability. An illusion of perfection can be a mess on the inside while a mess can hold a superpower within his or her parts. Be loud in the heaven and the hell of you; giving voice to every part. Please hold on because the hope is that in the next moment, you will say the words that an essential person, you, needs to hear; from you. Here’s to you and here’s to me. May we pick our own weeds while smelling our own flowers so that being a mess helps us to be amazed and laugh as we step and fall on the trail in heavell.
The definition of enable is to give someone the means to do something. The heaven of that is to empower a person to stand; through positive and informative support. One of the hells of that word is to facilitate the substance abuse of someone; or some other negative behavior. What is hidden in those meanings is that we often want to and believe that we are helping; as there is so much more between both of those realms. My enabling has changed over the years but I still do it every single day. I am working towards using the heaven side of it more often. It is a process of discovery and falls; just like an addict has to go through. What if you were to think about how your enabling is helping or harming someone? What if in this perfect moment you were to discover how you feel about it? Can you enable yourself to do this better by seeking the support that you need; in order to be stronger? We seek to label things but often we limit ourselves and others by doing so; ensuring that we remain and they stay chained to hell. Here’s to you and here’s to me as we all enable along the way. It’s a mess learning what words mean on the inside of us. The uncomfortableness of that hell, though, is where our connection can be found. Happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful for the addiction that has been in my life; as the superpower that has been teaching me to see and feel more than I ever imagined. Please hold on because you are finding the perfect you.
The things that exist in a material form provide us with the ability to easily perceive of them; viewing the heaven, the hell or the beauty that we each believe to be located there. What is not as easily known are the things that we feel on the inside; even if we express them on the outside of ourselves through our behaviors and our words. Can you describe three things that you love about yourself; whether an addict or not? Are there any parts of yourself that you are willing to accept; because they can’t be changed? In this perfect moment, how and what you see of those things holds the ability to lift yourself up because you are the perfect person to do so; to see the beauty in you. It is possible to be vulnerable while being strong, courageous and fearful at the same time as well as a sometime warrior who is a mess. When the darkness or the hell seems to be the strongest part of you, remember that you are a circle of heavell; and breathe. So what if you have “f” moments or are an addict? What else are you; because you have always been so much more than just the sum of that part? Today I made a new friend who has two years of sobriety. He referred to himself as a retired professional rather than the standard statement of being an addict in recovery; having been an expert in drinking. Within you are all the pieces, things, moments and even the BLAH that you need; as the heavell keeper of your life. In order to see and be the essential you, you must find what is on the inside; rather than what is on the outside of you. In everything that we do, whether an addict or not, we bring all of ourselves with us wherever we go; even when we fall. A part or some parts may be what is the strongest but the other pieces each have a voice too; able to lift us if we use them to do so. What if in this perfect moment you were to see more than just the hell? What if you were to take the hand of fear and that of courage and breathe in brave? I will just wait right here while you look in the mirror at the perfect person; to love, hate, accept and change every part of you but never to deny the heaven nor the hell. No one aspires to become an addict but it happens everyday; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly but always painfully. Get loud in the all of you. Laugh and cry while learning to understand what it has taken to cause you to fall; and then at what it will take for you to go through as only you can. I believe in all of you but it matters more that you are able to see that about yourself.
At the beginning of this year, I wrote about the HugTrain and it’s founder Arie. Each year, he or another HugMaster come from Canada and ride the Amtrak around the United States in order to promote free hugs; as well as mental health. They do this especially over the holidays as it is one of the strongest parts of the year in which people fall; whether from addiction, the pain or even the BLAH. Arie is a sometime warrior who is strong while being vulnerable; as well as courageous and fearful. He reminded me of the value of my ex-father-in-law’s hug; given to me as Ryan lay on a ventilator after over-dosing at the age of 18 many years ago. Charlie died last year in November but how I wish he had been there to give me a hug this past May when Ryan died; his hugs lifted the weight of the world even if only for a moment. Each year HugTrain chooses someone to honor as they make their way across the United States. The honoree of their eleventh ride is Ryan; representing addiction, mental health and as a giver of hugs that lifted the weight of the world. Anton is this year’s HugMaster and he begins his tour on December 22, 2019; leaving Montreal and heading to Schenectady, NY. He will be traveling for a month throughout many of our states; you can find the schedule on either their Facebook page @HugTrain or their Instagram page @HugTrainUSA. I hope you will meet Anton and get a hug in a city near you; or get and give hugs yourself. If you are able to, please donate to their non-profit as they rely upon those donations in order to travel. Thank you HugTrain and Arie, as well as Anton, for being able to see the hell; and thus being a part of the heaven.
I told that new friend of mine and Arie that I am a better person for the addiction that has been a part of my life. The pain of it brought the hell but it has also helped me to see more than just some of the parts of myself, my children and others. Addiction may have destroyed us for a matter of time but it also became a superpower that has brought the beauty of being a circle of heavell. Hell will never be that far away but through you, as an essential part, you can be a sometime warrior who is a mess; breathing in brave while holding the hands of courage and that of fear. If your scared just say you are; because we all are at some point. See you soon. Love, Heavell.
We tend to focus on the things, the parts and the moments that we don’t like on the inside and the outside of us; not wanting them to be seen or to deal with them. Being so aware of the anything and the everything that we view as a piece of the hell, though, keeps us in the place where we walk in circles. We then breath those things into our hearts as the definers of who or what we are; whether we should or not. What would be in the words that you use to describe yourself? Are you equally aware of your heaven as you have been of your hell; or vice versa? We have it all but it has never ever been that easy to see both nor to feel both; especially when we are consumed by just one. The strength of any part, moment, person or even the BLAH is found in what we center our attention upon; and the matter of time that we stay there. Every moment is the perfect moment, no matter what it is, to be and to bring heavell; finding the balance so that if we fall, our sometime warriors will eventually lift us up. Change is possible when we seek the beauty that can be found no matter where we are; but especially in the hell. It provides a different perspective of the things that hold our pain; minimizing the power of it. You will stay, however, in that place as a matter of your time until you are ready to go through. I will wait right here in this perfect moment while you look in the mirror; and find the beauty that only you can locate. Are you ready? How about now?
For years, I wanted out of the hell of Ryan’s addiction. There had been so many moments in which I had not known what to do and ones where I didn’t do what I should have; not unlike an addict. The denial of being in that place on the trail starts in the beginning but it also comes from the shadows in many other moments along the way; whether an addict or not. Both Ryan and I used the apple known as denial in order to avoid dealing with the things that we didn’t want to. Admitting the truth would have meant acknowledging the parts of ourselves that we did not want to cope with; ignoring it made it seem as if it wasn’t as powerful as it really was. I had been waiting for the perfect moment when Ryan would just stop using substances; finding the understanding that he didn’t need them. As I look back on all those years, it was a culmination of many steps and falls for both of us that led to his sobriety; just as it had been to fall into the hell of addiction in the first place. I can say that I hated the addiction when it started, as well as in the middle, but I can also convey that each of us is better because of the hell. The heaven of that painful time was learning to love, hate, accept or change every part of ourselves; but never to deny any of them. Every moment had been the perfect moment to discover and to share what we saw and felt; although it was not easy to understand that while we were in it. Be amazed at what it has taken to cause you to fall; because it has never ever been that simple of a thing to do. Be loud in the all of you as you are a whole circle of heavell; and not just a part or some parts or even an illusion. Here’s to the hope that in your matter of time you will see and feel differently as you step and fall along your trail. So what if you have “f” moments? You are you and I am me and that is how we find the all of ourselves; both the heaven and the hell of us. Take the time to laugh until your stomach hurts and to say “I am sorry” to yourself. It’s going to be all right because this moment and the next and the next are the perfect moments to fall and to stand and to just understand you.
When our moments have involved the things that feel like the hell to us, it can make even the distant yesterdays seem as if they just happened. What do you hold in your parts that you will always carry with you; because it will forever just be? How does it feel today versus how it felt when it happened? What kind of “f” moment was it; regardless of it being yours or someone else’s? You are not what has happened on the outside of you; but it does matter what you do with those things on the inside of you. Courage is defined as having strength but that quality can also be found in simply making it through a moment as well as in just breathing. Fear, at times, can appear to be weakness but it can also help us to recognize what our personal emotional definition of hell is; guiding us to go through or even to avoid it. In all things, heaven and hell can be found but recognizing both and feeling both has never ever been that simple. This is your life’s journey so just breathe until you are able to step. Here’s to you and to me as we walk our trails in this so very heavell life; discovering the moments where we stand and the ones in which we fall.
It’s hard to imagine and then find the beauty that can be located everywhere we are; especially when we are in hell. It might surprise you to know that I am working on, when I can, what could possibly be the heaven found in Ryan’s death. I am, after all, well aware of the pain and the hell of it. The answers to what I now seek cannot be found in the knowledge of all that he was; as someone who made me laugh until my stomach hurt or as the person who encouraged me to find forgiveness in my hell or even as an addict. It also cannot be located within the knowledge that he is no longer suffering. By only being aware of the hell or the BLAH, we will continue to be chained to the pain, the regrets, the falls and the walking in circles. By finding the heaven, no matter how hard that may be, we have the ability to take what is on the inside and transform it into understanding; while still holding the moments and the parts of the yesterdays. What is the heaven of your pain? What will you do with the knowledge of that? When have you held the hand of fear? How did courage help you to make it through a moment or the BLAH? Be amazed that superpowers and sometime warriors are discovered only in the place that no one ever aspires to be in. In all things, there’s you and there’s me as the heavell keepers of our lives; going through as only each of us can in our matter of time. You know your hell but are you ready to see your heaven? Please hold on because today can be the moment that you have been waiting for; and tomorrow holds the hope that it will also be the perfect day to just be you.
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