Differences can be found in what we each view as being difficult, painful or even traumatic in a life that is so very heavell; also known as a nightmare, the BLAH or the hell. It can also be said that there are contrasts in what each of us feels is a dream or happiness or even freeing; also described as being beauty, perfection or the heaven. Even my words that reference “the “f” moments” in life elicits contradictory thoughts and feelings as felt in the heart of each beholder; the failure times versus the fantastic ones. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? What have you chained to their meanings; from the all that has been in your life? Another aspect, or part, of our perception of how we feel about words, when we hear or say them, is affected and influenced by the place that we are in; at the time. As it pertains to substance abuse, whether an addict or not, that position on the trail will be different in the beginning than it is in the end; no matter the duration of the middle nor the falls in between. I can still vividly remember Ryan’s perception about the substances he used; that changed from start to finish. I can also clearly see the look of peace on Ryan’s face during his sobriety; that had been lost when this all began. Our personal emotional definitions and our place affect the anything and the everything of ourselves; helping us to step, fall or walk in circles. How can we know what to do or how to be when we are in a place that no one ever aspires to fall into? Or is often different from start to end; for each of us despite any similarities? Or can leave you feeling alone in a room full of people; or alone in a whole that is full of parts? Things are not always what they appear to be nor as simple as some would believe based upon their emotional definitions; just as I discovered through my children as well as the hell. A view from the outside does not provide the perception of the all that can be found on the inside. Without knowing what words mean to ourselves and to others, it can be hard to transfer pain into the understanding of what feels difficult or is beauty; or to see the value in each essential perspective. What if you were to start by seeing the whole of you; treating every part, feeling and word equally? We are each the beholders of what it feels to live a life that is so very heavell; found in a step, a fall, a trauma, a laugh, a moment, an apology, a hug or even the BLAH. We have always been so much more than just the difficulties that we find along our trails; or the illusions of perfection that surround us. After all, this is you and this is me with a little bit of heaven on the inside; even in what appears to be only hell.
Over the past five months since Ryan died, several people have told me that they just don’t know what to say to me. My response has always been that it’s okay because I haven’t known what to say to myself either. Taylor, who is a student counselor in training, has stated that at times she has found herself at a loss for words; while counseling others who are living what she is also trying to cope with. Our similarities and our differences, as well as those personal emotional definitions, can make it hard to breathe through what each of us must go through ourselves; no matter what we or others think or know. I recently became aware that an individual has been implying to others, those who know me and those who don’t, that I am not doing well; a result of Ryan’s death. What do others think about how you are handling the process of addiction and sobriety; whether an addict or not? How do you feel about all of it? Have you been in this place, whatever that is, before? For me, it wouldn’t matter if I had known this hell previously or not; because each person, moment, step, fall or tears and laughter are different. Ryan will always just be an irreplaceable part of me; as well as for his sisters. I am sure that our moments express that; especially when we are triggered. Does that mean we are not handling this well? Recovery, whether as an addict or someone who has lost a loved one, takes a matter of time. It’s easy enough to have judgement on what should be done, felt or the time frame that it should occur in but the real truth is that it will happen when each of us gets there; regardless of others. The same can also be said about Ryan and his process to find and hold his sobriety; he did it in his time frame despite what we may have wanted or not. As you are, you are the only one who can go through and find what it will take for you to be all right; even if there is a part that won’t ever be. Here’s to your words that give a voice to each of your little boxes of feelings. Just be you because you have always been a little piece of heaven; even as the perfect person to bring hell. I will just wait right here while you take your matter of time.
Ryan’s favorite superhero was superman. While on the NAMI walk in New Orleans, Ashlee saw the emblem on the ground. We see it as a sign that Ryan was there with her; and the rest of Ryan’s squad. Every day is the best day, from start to finish, to be kind to yourself; as a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person. Please hold on while your sometime warrior takes the hands of courage and fear. May your “f” moments be filled with every definition that you can think of; teaching you what needs to be dealt with while making you laugh until your stomach hurts. Be loud and be amazed as only you can be; as an essential part of the circle of heavell.
Life, hell, heaven, addiction and everything in between is subjective in the hearts of the beholders; coming together in a variety of ways in each individual. Have you thought about what those words mean to you? How would you describe them; as they pertain to you? Do the others in your life feel the same way? It has been said that as Ryan’s mother I am suffering the greatest loss from his death. It is the real truth that being without him is catastrophic in my life. It is, however, a green truth that my loss is greater than anyone else who has been affected by his passing. Each of us have held and still hold our personal relationships with him that will forever just be; as a part of who we are and who he was. In spite of the differences, the individuals and the moments, the value of each union is found in what was shared; the love, the pain, the “f” moments and even the BLAH. The same can also be said about all of our parts and connections as it pertains to the worth of each of them; on the inside of us as well as the outside. The hell of some of it may be what feels the strongest but your superpower has always been to use the all of you; to help you be all right in the moments and parts that are not all right. Wherever I go, Ryan will always be with me as an essential piece of how I came to be; a circle of heavell rather than an illusion of perfection. In whatever place you are in, whether an addict or not, all of you will always just be there as well. Why is everything so very heavell? Because the real truth is that its what dreams, life and sobriety are made of; steps, falls, work, celebrations, lessons, feelings, the sometime warriors, teaching, suffering, heavenly expectations and the BLAHS. So there you are and here I am as perfectly, irritatingly, messy people who do this well until we don’t; but then it’s merely a matter of time before we will do it well once again. What if you were to tell yourself “I am sorry”; for forgetting that you have always been so much more? Here’s to the mirror and all that can be seen there; especially the things that can help us to be all right.
What came first: the pain, the losses or the substance abuse? From my perspective, Ryan’s substance abuse came first; and my suffering followed. For Ryan, though, it was the pain that lead him to his fall. There are a variety of ways to reach the point of addiction, it’s distinct for each individual, just as there are diverse ways to lift up from it. What steps you take must work for you; regardless of others and especially the non-believers. However, what you do with the all of you can and does make the difference in a life that is so very heavell. So what if a part of you has been consumed by addiction; affecting the anything and the everything on the inside and the outside? There have been moments in my life in which my behaviors and feelings have affected others; perhaps even in devastating ways. Whether an addict or not, we can’t learn and step forward if we don’t perceive of the things that need to change; to be done better today than they had been in the yesterdays. We also can’t step on our trails if we only breathe in the things that can’t be undone, hurt or anger us. No matter who you are, sometimes things don’t go as we had hoped for; you shouldn’t be here and yet you are. Three days before Ryan died, he was breathing on his own; no longer in need of a machine to breathe in and out for him. I had started to believe, having and holding the hope, that he was actually going to come home; working to figure out how we were going to help him to transition in his recovery. In a matter of time that last day, just a very few hours, he developed a gastro bleed and died. The pain and the trauma of that night came out through me, over the first couple of months, in the form of anger; as well as laying down from the weight of the world in my heart. If you fall, then be in the moment by feeling what brought you to that point; it is never ever going to go away even with the use of substances or the apple known as denial. Be amazed by what it actually takes to do that to you. Then be loud in the all of you because you do have it all; a whole circle of heavell made up of a team of parts. As you and I are, we are what dreams are made of; one step, one fall, one breath, one part, one win at a time. My recovery from all of this will take time and so will yours. After all, the heaven moments and pieces are where we celebrate and breathe with ease but hell is where we find our strengths and weaknesses; whether we want to or not.
To Bethany; Thank you for your painting that we used for today’s blog. It has been in Ryan’s room for all of these years; as a reminder of what had been and what was lost through you. The two of you are together once again. Love you, Heavell
It has never ever been said that someone is excited about or looking forward to the hell in life; oh hell yeah! In fact the very aspect of it elicits fear, surprise, denial and pain; which can all be expressed in the form of anger. As it is though, it is a part of a life that is so very heavell. How we deal with the all that has been, or can be, determines how long we will stay there. One part of the whole, or one tree in the forest, can cause a fall into the place that no one aspires to be in; whether an addict or not. The beauty that is located in the shadows of hell is the creation of discovery and change; as well as the sometime warriors. The moments are ours, alone, to have and to hold; learning to be all right no matter where we are. Being in that place is not the same as viewing it from the outside. Even if it seems to be familiar, what makes it different is the individual who has found his or herself there. That person’s parts, moments, feelings and even the BLAH have come together in a distinctive manner; regardless of the similarities to anyone else. Each of us has been tasked with waiting, stepping forward, falling and walking in circles on our trails. Through all of the different perspectives that are available to us, we can view more than what is easily seen from our own positions; helping ourselves and others. What is your perception of this so very heavell life? What feelings have you chained to your words? What if in a moment like this, you were ready to be all right even with fallen parts; whether an addict or not? Here’s to the hope that we will see through you and you will see through us; in ways that lift all of us up to do this better.
I spent some time talking with someone who was feeling overwhelmed by the hell in his life; he is not an addict. He alternated between his feelings carrying the weight of the world and not being of any consequence. Can you understand his behavior? Do you believe that your feelings are significant or not? This person is aware of the greatest hell that has occurred in my life; and that a part of me is still there. As he spoke, he also continually attempted to tell me that his pain did not equal mine. It is amazing how we really can be very much alike when we find ourselves in the place that requires us to feel what is unfamiliar and uncomfortable; and unwanted. However this life is not a comparison especially as it pertains to pain and the dealing with it; because it’s all different on the inside of different people. What does matter, though, is how you feel because your weight of the world has the ability to cause you to fall; just as mine is able to do the same for me. Ryan, for years, did everything he could in order to use drugs and I did all that I could to try and stop him; because lies, denial and tricks aren’t just for drugs. Each day we behaved in the same manner as we had in the yesterdays; while always expecting a different outcome. It was a matter of time before we were able to make it more about us and less about the substances. Change has never ever been that easy and it often takes one little step and one big fall at a time; whether an addict or not. Be in the moment when you are happy but also be there when you are scared; dare to feel it all. Accept that it isn’t always possible to handle life well; to prevent the “f” moments. See you and change what needs to be through the transference of pain and anger into the understanding of yourself; as well as others. Be loud, be amazed and be brave because you are the only one who can through you; as the heavell keeper of your life. I am me and you are you; and we have never ever been all or nothing. Find what you love; in you. Here’s to the hope that we won’t continue to feed the hell; one weed and one flower at a time.
To Ashlee as well as Ryan’s squad: You see through Ryan and he continues to see through you. Thank you for representing Heavell in the NAMI Mental Health walk in New Orleans. See you soon.
What does being all right mean to you? What do you feel in your heart when you say that you are? Is it the green truth or the real truth for you? For me it means that I am able to handle more and more moments without feeling as if I cannot breathe; it doesn’t mean that I don’t still feel the hell. Can you understand that? Despite what has been in the yesterdays and the part of me that is still there, the todays and the tomorrows continue to come and go; as life persists all around me. When I am able to, I am using the other parts of myself to lift up the one that feels so broken. It certainly doesn’t work every time but when it does, I am in the moments that I need to be; stepping forward rather than walking in circles. Some of those times involve the others in my life and it is essential that I be able to be present for them; as well as myself. All of this is living a life that is so very heavell; having and holding heaven and or hell in any given moment every single day. It’s learning to be all right even when not all of the parts or moments or BLAHS are all right. I am me and as such I am more than just the mother of a dream who won against addiction but ultimately lost his life due to the destruction to his body. You are you and as such you are the perfect person to love, hate, lift up, change or accept every part of you. Be amazed and be loud about the all of you. Here’s to the hope that you will take what has been on the inside and the outside of you and be all right; whether an addict or not.
If I were you, what would I see when I look in the mirror? If I were you, what would I feel in my heart? The things that we perceive of ourselves have often been influenced by what others have decided; as if we are each all or nothing. It is impossible, though, to know everything about someone just as it is difficult for each of us to treat the heaven and the hell within us equally. It is very challenging to find the understanding that is needed for others when we struggle to find it within ourselves. Imagine if you will, that you see me when I am having a bad moment; fear and hurt are often expressed through anger. It’s never easy to say “I’m scared” so we will convey that feeling in detrimental ways; for ourselves and for others. If you are unaware that my son died tragically, what would you describe me as being; based on those moments that you saw? What do others define you as being; based on what they have seen or have been told? We use our words to state what others and ourselves are but it is rarely, if ever, the real truth. The strongest part may be what we feel and what others see but there has always been so much more to us; unless of course we don’t treat it all equally. I am me and while I have done a lot of things right in this life, I have also had way too many “f” moments and “I am scared” ones; having to learn to do this better every time I can. If your scared just say you are because we all are at some point. Feeling that way is not a weakness but rather an expression on the outside of the mess on the inside; that is in need of being dealt with. A part can never equal a whole no matter what is seen or felt. If we focus on only a part as being the problem and or the solution, then we are continuing the cycle that helped to create the fall to begin with; there’s one of those “f” moments. On the days or moments that I am not doing this well, I need the other parts of me to lift me up or to stand over the one that is fallen. You will never know that about me or yourself if we only believe in illusions of perfection or the green truth that a part equals a whole. Got heavell? Here’s to the understanding that you have always been so much more; find what you love and what needs to change. Please hold on because another moment is coming and this time you can be all right; unless of course you continue to feed the hell one part at a time.
This heavell life will always present the opportunity to meet yourself as well as others; to learn, to change, to be amazed, to listen and to be heard. I had the opportunity to speak with Jimmy from Tucson Turf Elite Football powered by Life Athletix, Inc. They have co-ed flag football teams and are a non-profit, youth sports organization. What struck me as being amazing about this group is that they win because their kids focus on being a team and communicating as one as well; in life and on the field. They are a whole that is made up of parts; from the volunteers to those who donate to the kids who play. We can learn from them by conveying and functioning as a team on the inside of ourselves while sharing that to the outside; especially in those moments that are hell. Thank you tucsonturfelite.org and Jimmy for your time; and for leading others to be more than just a part.
Life has a no return policy because with each passing moment, we are adding more and more to our parts; preventing our return to who we were in the moments before. Life has gone on since Ryan died but that part of me remains in the yesterdays; laying down from the trauma. I am learning to be all right in the other parts of myself; while not being all right in that one. I am still working to figure out who I will be; because I have to go forward. Ryan had also struggled to see who he was going to be in the tomorrows; after having been defined by his drug use for so long. He had to learn to allow himself to be and feel so much more than just that. For me, everything can appear to be all right in one moment and then completely change in the next; often without warning. Memories appear out of nowhere or are triggered by a thought. a sound, a smell or from something that is seen or felt. They bring my little boxes of feelings, that are hidden in the shadows, to life again. They are bittersweet as they bring the hell but also carry the heaven. All of it makes understanding me, for myself as well as for others, challenging. Ryan would know what I am feeling through all of the losses he had been through; but I can’t talk to him about it. Do those kind of things happen for you; whether an addict or not? Even if our pain, parts, lives or BLAHS are different, can you understand me? Do you feel the same? Here’s to having it all in a life that is so very heavell. It’s all right, you can stay in this place for a moment but just because you are doesn’t mean you should forget that your sometime warrior is waiting for you. As you are, you are the only one who has the key; as the heavell keeper of your part on the whole. Please hold on because it’s just a matter of time; and the next moment will be here soon.
In the words of songwriter and artist Tyler Jenkins (formerly of Brokenhourglass):
What are the repercussions Getting lost in these discussions Who I am and who I wanna be For me that is a touchy subject One day I’m feelin happy And the next I’m feelin sad All this built up in depression Slowly transitions to aggression I can tell that everyone thinks That I should be on some type of medicine The guardian angel that’s behind me Is it heaven sent? Or is this better then I’ll ever get?
The words that we use hold the definitions of our feelings and beliefs; despite what the dictionary says the words mean or what others may feel about them. They are a view into the things that are on the inside of us; made up of what has been, seen, felt and especially the BLAH. Our emotional definitions can change, evolve or stay the same as we add moments to our parts. About ten years ago, I sat at the funeral of Ryan’s girlfriend; a beautiful rose lost from the world of dreams. Yesterday I spoke with her father for the first time in years; I wanted to let him know that Ryan had died at the end of May. He said “We belong to a group that no one ever wants to be a part of.” The real truth is that living through something changes our consciousness of the words; giving them a life of their own. I had no idea what it felt like to lose a child, despite being able to perceive of what it probably entailed, until that BLAH occurred in my life. Even the powerful fear that I had felt over the years during Ryan’s substance abuse did not prepare me for the emotions I feel today. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? What feelings have you chained to their meaning; especially the BLAH? Can you accept that they express the all that has been for you; and others may not see nor feel the same way? Yesterday was what it was. Today is what it is. Tomorrow, however, holds the hope that will lead to finding the beauty in hell. Can you even imagine that or are you scared? It’s all right, just take the hand of courage as well as that of fear and breathe in brave. We really are alike when in unfamiliar and uncomfortable places so here’s to you just being you; and I will just be me. After all, the art of living in addiction isn’t just about the part that has been defining you; but rather what you do with the all of you. Love, Heaven, Hell and your Sometime Warrior.
Thank you to Tyler at @iamtylerjenkins for once again bringing another perspective through your words.
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