Everyone, no matter who he or she is, brings something in and takes something out in any given moment. What appears to be is never all that there is; no matter what we think we know or use as judgement. Each single part or person has a perspective that is essential; and as such must be seen as well as heard. One of the hardest undertakings is to acknowledge that full view of the all that has been; rather than to just know the one found at our own position. When addiction effects our lives, we become the perfect people to bring the hell by becoming overwhelmed with the hurt, the fear and the anger. It is easy enough to understand that the actions of others, especially those of addicts, effect us; as well as themselves in detrimental ways. What can be challenging is to realize that not all addicts are created equally despite addiction’s ability to love everyone across the board. Because of that, we cannot continue to expect that there is one thing that contributed to it or that will solve it or that all addicts must do exactly the same thing in order to overcome it. In fact the cycle of addiction, throughout the many, many years of its existence, has proven that as it evolves, we must as well in order to prevent the continued feeding of the hell; also known as feeding the growth of addiction. Just because things have been done in the past does not mean that we should continue with them today; especially since the how, the why, the when and the what have changed vastly. Whether an addict or not, find what you love in all the places that are available on the inside as well as the outside; in order to breathe in brave while laying down or walking in circles. None of us have come into addiction as solely a part and we cannot leave it as only a part either. If the loudest part is the hell, then turn and look in the mirror. Be amazed by the work and the creativity that’s gone into the creation of you; as well as the power that it took to cause you to fall. You are the perfect person to be different on the days that seem to be the same; because life, as well as addiction, has never ever been that simple. Please hold on as another moment is coming and it just might be all right.
During this past week, a dear childhood friend of Ryan’s found his sometime warrior on the inside in order to help his friend who had lost his way. He and his sister have already lost several friends to heroin over-doses; choosing to stand in hopes that one will be lifted up. Also during this time, a mother in a store line broke down while telling a stranger that her son is a heroin addict. Within her words “it’s killing me as well as him” is the weight of the world; as felt in the heart of the beholder and as such is not open to judgement. Both of those moments contained fear and courage. Each also possessed heaven as well hell; as someone fell and another stood. We should also be aware of the stranger in line and the others who perceived of these views on the circle of heavell with kindness and grace; rather than just seeing their own. We can grieve for the fear, the suffering, the loneliness and the loss but we must also find happiness in the discovery of voices and sometime warriors; as well as the compassion and the acknowledgment of others. We all, whether an addict or not, need support as we do and don’t do the things that we should and shouldn’t. We need the moments where hope comes out of the shadows and helps us to breathe in brave; especially when fear has a hold of our hand instead of the other way around. It is easy enough to find what we hate within ourselves as well as others; to judge and to justify. The challenge is to find what we love; giving it the equal consideration that it deserves. We are either a part of the problem or a part of the solution. One requires us to remain the same and the other demands change; if we are scared to then we should just say so. It’s up to us whether we continue to feed the hell or we choose to feed the heaven; knowing that one is detrimental to all and the other has the ability to lift the fallen. What if in a moment like this you were to accept that you are so very heavell; even on the days that seem to be the same? What if you were to realize that from your position, you have always had the ability to see both the heaven and the hell; of the anything and the everything? Its just never ever been that simple to find what we love when we spend so much time breathing in what we hate.
One of the most powerful things that we can ever give to others is the gift of a hug; through our words, our silence when they speak or physically as they lay fallen from the weight of the world. Find what speaks to your heart as you go through this; not just the people, places, things or substances that agree with your hell but will help you find the beauty that lives everywhere. There are many wonderful groups out there so bring something in and take something out; until you find the one or the many that help you breathe. One group that continues to fight for change in how we see and deal with addiction is wethevillage.co; a place where the loved ones of addicts can find and give a hug, as well as a vast array of information, through an online community that’s open 24/7. Find them at their website at http://www.wethevillage.co/ or on Instagram @wethevillage.co or village on Facebook
You shouldn’t be here but you are so just know that you are not alone; whether an addict or not. Together we can stand in Heavell.
We take with us, wherever we go, the anything and the everything that has happened in our lives; the chains that bind us as well as the hope and the happiness. What is on the inside cannot be seen except when it is expressed on the outside; as a view into what is in need of being dealt with and or celebrated. I have been surprised by how many times my grief has suddenly appeared and overwhelmed me; especially when I have thought I was all right or the situation was. There are days, moments and even the BLAH, when I don’t want to do this well; for myself and or for others. I imagine that Ryan went through similar things in his attempts to be sober as well as in not wanting to be; the difficulty of all of it lies solely in the heart of the beholder. The understanding of why some days are so much harder than other ones escapes me at this point; particularly if those days appear to be the same as the other ones. The real truth is that there is no person, place, thing, substance, words or the BLAH that I can hide with or in that will keep the suffering from seeking me; tricks are not just for drugs as they belong to pain as well. Ryan told me that “If an addict tells you that he or she is sober or is staying so because of you, it is a lie. The day will come when you will not be enough to keep him or her from falling; particularly if the all that has been has not been dealt with.” I can perceive of that statement as I walk in circles while standing and laying down in any given moment; doing and not doing what I should or shouldn’t regardless of others. The misery, which has become the loudest part within me, has pushed my other pieces into the shadows; especially that sometime warrior of mine. Ryan, as an addict, and I, as a non-addict, were really alike even though we stood in different positions on the circle of heavell. When our little boxes of feelings become deafening it can be hard to distinguish anything other than the hell. What if you were to be amazed by some of your parts being loud enough to thrust your heaven parts right into the shadows; seemingly lost and yet still there? What if you were to realize that for better or for worse, all of it is yours to have and to hold; as the heavell keeper of your life? After all you did not step into heaven or into hell or even into addiction as a part and you are not leaving as one either.
I was asked to speak about Ryan at his memorial in Kansas City for approximately two to four minutes. I laughed when I heard the time frame because I don’t think I have ever spoken about anything for such a short period of time. However, one of the ways that I have been affected by his death has been through the loss of my words or rather my voice; as it pertains to speaking. It’s not that I don’t talk but rather that I have changed in the how, the when, the why and even the if I do at all. Simply I have lost one of the strongest parts of me to the shadows; through the trauma as well as the BLAH. This is an unfamiliar and uncomfortable place for me to just be in; even with the knowledge of being justified in doing and feeling so. It’s not easy being in a place where, no matter what you do, you cannot undo what has been done; nor get away from the suffering and the fear that comes with it. I am reminded of the line that was said by one of my favorite addicts: “I just don’t want to feel the pain” It’s amazing how effortless that thought comes to mind; along with the understanding as to why no one would ever want to feel the hell. I am also now aware of why it was never that straightforward for Ryan to just do as I said or to hold on even in the days that seemed to be okay; as I haven’t been able to do so either. It really doesn’t matter what anyone else says to me because its my feelings that have brought me to this place; and its mine that I will be taking with me if and when I am eventually able to step forward. Life has always been more than just words as it is filled with moments that invoke emotions that are not always describable through them. When we lose our hope, as parts or moments envelope us, it can be all but impossible to hold on; whether an addict or not. What if you were to say “I am sorry” to yourself; because you deserve that kindness, at the very least, from yourself? What if you were to understand that what has been, is and was powerful enough to cause you, an angel, a dream, to fall; but while lost, you are still there hiding in the shadows? If today seems to be okay but you are not feeling strong, that’s all right because neither am I. In the yesterdays, as well as what will be in the tomorrows, are all of our “f” moments that have contained the failures, the fun and everything else in between. We are the perfect people to bring, be and feel the heaven and the hell in life. As such each of us holds a position on the circle of heavell that is essential to it being whole; rather than being fractured with only some parts. Lets look in the mirror and be amazed by the amount of work and creativity that has gone into each of us; in any given moment, trauma and or celebrations.
“You can’t talk someone out of being crazy if he or she feels crazy in the moment.” No truer statement has been said by Ryan, or anyone else for that matter, especially as it pertains to substance abuse; and or fear. When addicts are using a substance or in need of more, the fear of not having it can drive them to do, say or be things that they would not necessarily participate in; just as non-addicts will engage in whatever in trying to prevent or end the use of substances by their loved one. In this past week, a dear friend found herself in the position of having to choose to kick out a family member; due to the discovery of his or her use of meth. That addict feels as if he or she has been abandoned by the family. “So what if I am, it didn’t matter when you didn’t know; either way it’s your fault not mine.” That family, in turn, has described experiencing being deserted by the addict through the use of drugs; as well as the lie(s) and manipulations that occurred while doing so. The emotional definitions of the same word(s), lie in the heart of each individual; as created from their position as well as the experiences of his or her moments. Life has always been more than just words despite our understanding of the definitions of them; because while we all comprehend them, we don’t feel or apply them in our hearts and our lives in the same way. In his or her state, that addict is unable to see that the family is entitled to use the same word, for a different reason, from another position on the circle of heavell; just as he or she is entitled to use it from his or hers. The value of words belongs to each of us; whether we understand and or agree or not with the use of them by others. The justifications of people, places, things, behaviors, choices, feelings, substances and even the BLAH can always be found. They then encourage only seeing the green truths that we need in order to hold on to all that has been and felt; walking in circles rather than stepping forward. What came first: being forsaken, the pain, the substance abuse or the justification? As you are, you are justified in your feelings but not necessarily in how you are dealing with them; especially if it is or has been detrimental to you and or to others. Ryan felt, within his heart, that he had just cause to use substances as does this addict; the power of those feelings, the hell, grows in articulation when they are denied or hidden. But just as addicts have their validations, so do non-addicts in their feelings of what they can or cannot do as it pertains to the addict; as well as the abuses of substances. What is in the words or actions that you express to yourself ; as well as to others? Will they lift you up or feed the hell from the inside to the outside? What if in a moment like this, you were to find the value of you in being a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person; a work in progress? After all, superpowers and sometime warriors have never been needed in heaven; nor in the appearance of it.
I was in Kansas City this past weekend, with Taylor and Ashlee, to attend a beautiful memorial that Ryan’s father held for him. I have not been there in years nor seen most of that side of the family in a long time either. The hell of it was that it was Ryan’s death that brought me to a place from my yesterdays. The heaven of it was in being with my daughters; as well as this family who had their own memories of him. Ryan’s four sisters and brother, his dad, myself and his former stepmother went to dinner together later that night. We were talking and laughing on the patio of the restaurant as we waited for our dinners when a loud crash startled us. A driver had slammed into our parked rental car on the street; and was trying to drive away from the wreck against oncoming traffic. Fortunately two officers saw the man leaving the scene and were able to pull him over; once stopped he attempted to flee from his vehicle as well. That driver was impaired and was arrested for a DUI. As Ashlee stood on the street dealing with the police, the witnesses, the rental car agency and the insurance company, her dad and I remained with her for support. The three of us missed out on the time we had hoped to have with the others and they with us; as well as a great meal. We were not in the car but we could have been getting in or out of it. Or the driver could have hit the vehicle parked in front of us; as the owner walked to it to retrieve items from it. I have no idea if that man is a non-addict who had an “f” moment or if he is an addict who had one. What I do know is that night a person in an altered state effected not only himself but us as well; something that happens every day to so many people. It is possible to feel fear from the realization that while no one was hurt, someone could have been killed; even though only a car was totaled. It is also perceivable to transfer that feeling of fear into anger or even outrage as the result of that behavior; whether an addict or not. But within it is also the feasibility to feel all of that and then transfer those emotions into the understanding that the driver was expressing what is on the inside of him; a view of the mess within that is in need of being dealt with. The accident was an inconvenience but it was also a reminder that while our addict son, brother, uncle, grandson and friend is no longer here, there are still so many more that are; because every dream matters whether here or not.
To our Colorado and Kansas City families: Thank you for welcoming us into your homes and hearts; as well as for the memories, the support and even the tears. Find what you love, always learn, be loud, laugh until your stomach and cheeks hurt, and always be amazed at the amount of work and creativity that has gone into the creation of you. Just be you; perfectly, irritatingly, messy people. See you in the tomorrows!
The words “see you” carry the understanding that you will intersect with an individual again in the future. Ryan frequently used that phrase to impart that we would encounter each other in another moment; but he also said them in a conversation. In life we have the need to be perceived of by others; especially to be recognized as being valuable. When we are fractured, the loudest part or parts on the inside of us can guide us to the people, places, things, substances or even the BLAH that we find some connection with; even if it is detrimental to our wellbeing. What Ryan was telling me, through the use of those words, was that he was able to see and accept me; beyond just what I appeared to be. If I were you, what would I see in the mirror? Would it just be the hell or the heaven of you; whether an addict or not? The green truth is that some parts or only other people are heaven while the real truth is that we are all so very heavell. We each have the ability to lift up and or to destroy ourselves; as well as others. That power then creates the victims, monsters, sometime warriors and everything else in between that live on the inside of us; as well as the outside of us. What if in a moment like this you were to see you and others for all that we each are: because a part or some parts can never equal a whole? What if you were to accept that you are the perfect person to feel and to bring hell just as you are the ideal individual to do the same with heaven; finding beauty no matter where you are? Another part of Ryan’s sobriety was found in the embracing of our being perfectly, irritatingly, messy people; all that we are, have been and will be. What has been done in the yesterdays cannot be undone but it need not be what is in the tomorrows; unless of course we continue to repeat the same behaviors and feelings while expecting a different outcome. Just as sometime warriors stand for different amounts of time in us, so do the victims, the monsters and the everything else. You should not be here but you are because you failed to treat the heaven and the hell equally; both are yours to have and to hold even if you only have heavenly expectations. Take the hand of fear and that of courage and breathe in brave; because I see you walking in your circles while feeling the BLAH. I’m just in this place waiting for you to say “So what if I am a “f” moment maker or have “f” parts?” As you are, you are the perfect person to be so very heavell; loving, hating, accepting or changing but never denying the whole of you. After all, you didn’t come into addiction as a part and you can’t leave it as only one either.
Why are we either more than or less than; in all that we are or are capable of? That question was left on one of Ryan’s voice recordings; where he pondered how we influence ourselves as well as others. Being less than implies that an individual or a part’s value is not as great as someone else’s just as being more than indicates someone or a part has a desirability that is greater than another; as we desire heaven over hell in our lives. One of the pieces that guided Ryan’s fall into addiction came through the belief that he was less than; also known as the hell. It had not mattered that he was great at so many things when the words of others had implied otherwise; breathing what was said into his heart. His little boxes of feelings carried the weight of the world; as well as the justification for coping through the use of substances. Located within the all of you are the chains that bind you to whatever hell you feel, believe in or have been through. What if you were to do the same with your heaven; regardless of its size or strength? Addiction is a superpower because while it has the ability to destroy, it also has the capacity to lift up; carrying the real truth that we are more than, less than and also everything else in between. So what? As we are, we have it all to have and to hold; whether we want it or not or hide it or not. The value is in the heart of you as the holder of all that has been in the yesterdays; treat all of it equally. Please stand by because you’ve got heavell and as such you are a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person who walks in circles, feels the pain and has a sometime warrior living in the shadows; as well as victims, monsters and the BLAH. I will be waiting right here until you see what I see; that you are feeding the hell with the help of the apple known as justification. See you. Love, Heaven and Hell.
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