I was recently asked to talk about Ryan’s win against addiction; to explain the moments, the steps and the BLAH. My reaction was to ask how I could talk about his achievement, or the heaven, when I am enduring such a loss, or the hell? After all what does it matter if addiction no longer lived through him when the end results of those yesterdays was a shortened life; because what had been done could not be undone? My friend, advisor and IT person, Kenny, reminded me that I have to treat the heaven and the hell equally; as they are both found on the inside as well as the outside of us. The moments when my own words are placed in front of me are reminders of how easy it is to step off the trail, to walk in circles, when we are suffering in hell; no matter who we are or what has happened. It is always easier to know what should be done and felt when the moments belong to someone else; but living in it can leave a person feeling alone while being in a room full of people. Beauty can be found no matter where we are but seeking it can be challenging and painful. The hardest part has been to remember that especially since I have not been in that place in my heart; nor have I wanted to be. I never imagined that I would rather have him here in the throngs of addiction than gone forever; not knowing if I should laugh or cry or both at the thought of that. Sometimes we are so determined to find the cure, that we fail to realize that there can be a new hell waiting in the shadows for us; arriving whether we want it to or not and most often when we least expect it. The yesterdays, as well as the love and the pain, will always be with us as a part of how we came to be; it is within us whether that energy is used to lift us up or to destroy us. Through everything lost and won in Ryan’s addiction, a sometime warrior was created who stood and fell many times over his significant life; grateful in the end for the lessons learned. Every dream matters whether here or not because through them, we all have the ability to seek and find the knowledge necessary to not continue to repeat the yesterdays while hoping that tomorrow will be different; whether an addict or not.
Addiction is the conflict and sobriety is the win but that understanding is a green truth in its simplicity. The real truth is that located within those two things are many levels of the struggles and the victories that are a part of the circle of heavell; that substance abuse is. Because of all that has been, when there are “f” moments and or the BLAH, it is easy for those little boxes of feelings to rush from the shadows; in order to be felt once again in the heart of the beholder. What is on the inside will be expressed on the outside as a reflection of what is still in need of being dealt with; whether an addict or not. It requires little effort for that fear to take over, as courage flees into the darkness, when hell makes an appearance; whether we have been here before or not. Every time Ryan found his moments of sobriety, he had to live through my relapses of fear; the ones that carried the weight of the world for me and then shared with him. Even when someone is doing the right thing, fear can make us doubt the real truth of it. Our words and feelings have the ability to lift up and or to destroy others with our actions and reactions; the apple known as justification feeds the hell. So what if today is an “f” one? It does not mean that tomorrow or even the next one has to be one as well but the prevention of it requires treating the heaven and the hell equally in all of us; regardless of being an addict or not. One single part of Ryan’s success was found in our understanding that both he and I were definitely going to have relapses, falls, in our behaviors on the trail in hell; even when it was detrimental to our own or the other’s wellbeing. When he was not able to be strong, I was and when I couldn’t be, he was the one who stood. There were also moments when neither of us could be the heaven; but we relied upon the hope of tomorrow to help us find our way. We were also both sometime warriors although few ever realized or acknowledged that about him; it is easier to see it in me but it has never been that simple. What came first: the hell of substances or the hell of you? What if in a moment like this, you chose to do this differently by doing one part, on the trail of addiction, in a manner that you have never done before? What if you realized that just because there is hell on the inside as well as the outside, it does not mean that heaven does not live and breathe there as well? The real truth can never be altered by the apple known as denial. Every moment in life contains the anything and the everything that we as the heavell keepers of our lives can choose to see, feel and learn from; or not. What do you see when you look in the mirror? Is that the real truth or the green truth? Pick your own weeds and smell your own flowers because everything lost and won is yours to have and to hold as the pieces that have helped to create who you are; whether you want them or not. If today is an “f” one, then go to that place in your heart where heaven lives and breathe in those moments as well; using those parts to help lift up the hell ones. I’m not it because you have always been the perfect person to be and bring heavell.
Ryan would have turned 31 years old this week. Several of us honored him by hitting the streets in a few states where we handed out gift cards for a particular fast food restaurant or had a meal together. In the darkness of his being gone, light was found in the continuation of Ryan’s generosity towards others who were in need; bringing another win to him and for us despite the loss. Ryan existed in so many moments as a circle of heavell who affected our circles of heavell; only some of which involved his addiction. We will take him with us when we eventually stand and then step forward. The beauty of this new hell is that he taught us, and is still teaching us, to be grateful for the lessons; even the painful ones. We will need that knowledge to face whatever will be in the tomorrows. It’s been a wonderful life filled with love, “f” moments, pain, fear, courage and the BLAH; the appearance of solely heaven lives only in those who are illusions of perfection. He led us to where we fell; as well as lifted us up. Thank you for holding the mirror my love; the real truth hurt but helped to create the sometime warriors that we have become. We never gave up on you just as you never gave up on us. This still “fucking sucks” but we are going to be alright; just not in your being gone. Happy Birthday. See you. Love Mom, Ashlee and Taylor
The easiest way to connect with someone or something is to have been through, believe in or felt similar things. Through the bond of being perceived of, each of us then becomes a part of the groups that speak the loudest on the outside of us; as a reflection of what needs to be dealt with on the inside. Hurt or pain, also expressed through fear and anger, is the strongest incentive we have to find those people, places or things that make us feel as if we belong; even if it is detrimental to our wellbeing. During the first few years of Ryan’s addiction, I was focused on the prevention of his using substances; a green truth. Over the years, that need of mine eventually evolved into the understanding that there was more going on than what was easily seen on the outside; the drug abuse. What does addiction express for you; whether an addict or not? What if in a moment like this your substance of choice was no longer attainable; anywhere at any time? Would you now be healed or would you just change to a different substance? What would the mirror show you? Addiction has often been viewed as a failing of an individual; or even only some individuals. That perspective over the years has lead to the justification of judgement of the whole person; even though it is has never been that simple. Happy people do not alter their state of being, through addiction or the BLAH, but unhappy people do every single day; sometimes in secret and at other times publicly. The real truth is that what is on the inside of us will be expressed on the outside of us; for every single one of us. Addicts are just like non-addicts because substance abuse is another form of conveyance of all that has been; and that part can never equal the whole story. Addiction is a circle of heavell; just as we are. What came first: the pain or the substance abuse? Please hold on because addiction does not need to be the end of the trail; even if you are scared, there is always a way to step forward in heavell.
In these days since Ryan has passed, I have found myself trying to figure out who I am now; just as an addict has to discover who he or she is without a substance. I will always be the mother of a son who was my friend; as well as my teacher. I will also always be the parent of an addict even though he now exists in the yesterdays; because every dream matters whether here or not. One of the things that I have noticed about myself is that I do not want to feel this pain; to go through all that has been while also realizing that there will be no new moments with him. Through this trauma, I have found another understanding of Ryan’s desperate need of substances in order to avoid his pain; I really am just like him even if I avoid my feelings through other means. I am also scared to leave my yesterdays and I know, during his addiction, that he was afraid to leave his as well; comfortable with the known rather than the yet to be seen and felt. Moving forward on the trail in heavell means learning how to cope well through the hell. It does not, however, mean leaving behind any person, place, thing or the BLAH that has been a part of us; because they will always just be in the formation of how we came to be. Just like love, pain never actually ends but is transformed into something else that can be used in the tomorrows; either to lift us up or to destroy us. What came first: not coping well in life or not coping well through the use of substances? Hell will always stay close if we fail to see, feel, accept and change the impact of the moments; the time that it takes belongs solely to the individual. Envision your life without whatever or whomever is important to you; even if it is substances. How do you feel? What would you do in order to have or to not lose what you need or want? Can you imagine how I feel about the loss of Ryan? It really doesn’t matter what subject we are talking about, a person, a place, a thing or the BLAH, because the value of any one those is found only in the heart of the beholder; but some level of understanding can still be found by all of us. I find memories of Ryan, and the triggers of them, in almost every moment of the day. Like an addict, I am at risk for returning to being my former self; as an illusion of perfection that did not cope well. If I feed the hell, by not acknowledging and dealing with my pain, I will fail to move forward on the trail; languishing in my suffering. Within me, though, are other parts that can eventually lift up that which feels destroyed; as they can for each of us. This indeed “fucking sucks” but beauty, along with a different kind of hope, is waiting in the shadows for me; I just need to take hold of the hands of courage and fear and step forward. I am, however, going to have to lay in this place until I can eventually get up; today is not the day and tomorrow doesn’t feel like it will be the right one either. Only I can go through this because I am the one feeling it; as the weight of the world in my heart. What if in a moment like this, you found a different perception of addiction by breathing in more than what you think you know; whether an addict or not?
To All: I have a simple line that I like to say. “This is why I need to drink and this is why I don’t drink” It is a refernce to how difficult life can be but especially those “f” moments; driving even sometime warriors to want to drink in order to cope. It is also a statement that nothing will change, go away or get better by altering one’s state of being; hell knows where you live. Ask yourself why you cope the way you do. Now ask yourself why you shouldn’t cope that way. What came first: the green truth or the real truth? It matters what you do with the knowledge of all of you; because you are the heavell keeper of your life.
Our experiences create the energy of who we are that will always just stay with us; even if some of them now live and breathe in the shadows. Moving forward on the trail in heavell implies leaving behind those people, places, things or the BLAH that have been a part of our lives; but that is a green truth. It is possible to be all right and not fine at the same time in any given moment. Ashlee pointed out to me that I will eventually be okay in my life but that I will never be okay with Ryan being gone; the heaven and the hell of a part and or the whole. If that is the real truth for me in Ryan’s death, then it is also the reality for anyone else who carries in his or her heart the weight of the world from a moment or the BLAH; whether an addict or not. When it comes to the anything and the everything, there will always be some that we wish to keep forever and ones that we never want to feel again; both, however, will always remain as a part of the formation of us. What has been done cannot be undone and as such they are an important piece of the yesterdays. They will also move forward with us into today and then appear in the tomorrows; to help guide us on the circle of heavell. It is possible for you to perceive of me even if you have never been to the place that I am now at; the value of such lies solely in the heart of the beholder. What is in the words that you say to yourself as well as to others? There really are no expressions that can be said by anyone that will ever make this hell okay for me; just as I nor anyone else can make yours all right either. Those emotional definitions, not just words, live on the inside of each of us; from every moment of happiness, suffering and in between. They are what makes each of us the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of ourselves; but never to deny any one of them if we expect to be whole. I am not a sometime warrior because life has only been heaven or the appearance of it; nor have you. The real truth is that we have it all through our life long moments that are meant to stay with us as we walk our trails in heavell. What if in a moment like this you chose to do this differently by embracing your hell; feeling destroyed in one part while still being able to be all right in the other ones?
During the three weeks that Ryan was in the hospital there was another young man who was also in the ICU on a ventilator; he is still on that floor fighting every day for his life. I had overheard his mom in the ICU waiting room; speaking about getting him into a rehab for his addiction to alcohol. She has joined the group of parents of addicts; whether she wanted to or not. We found comfort over those weeks in the exchanging of the progresses as well as the setbacks of our sons; encouraging hope when one of us felt scared. I understood her distress as I had been in that place years ago when Ryan had overdosed at 18 years of age. She was able to perceive of me as a mother who was holding the hands of fear and courage; while breathing in brave. In that unimaginable hell, two people who would have never crossed paths became friends. One of the first things she spoke of the day that we met was about the judgement she had received; as a part of this new hell in her life. I could completely relate to that because it has been something I have had to deal with for years. Even when Ryan had arrived at the hospital in Tucson this time, judgement was expressed through the eroneous conclusions of some of the medical professionals; words that were filled with their feelings rather than the real truth. When we feed the hell, we fail to think clearly and problem solve appropriately; thus encouraging the continuation of cycles that are detrimental to all. What is in the words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Are you a part of the solution, the heaven, or are you a part of ensuring that hell will always stay close? Life long moments will always contain the weeds but they also hold the flowers; and as such we must treat them equally in order to be whole. What if in a moment like this, you chose to do this differently by asking how you can help or by just listening; rather than telling someone what they have done wrong? What is on the inside will be expressed on the outside of all of us; as a reflection of what needs to be seen as well as dealt with. I’m not it because I believe in your heaven but know that I am also well aware of your hell; because every single one of us is a circle of heavell. So what? It only matters if you use the knowledge of you to destroy yourself and or others; rather than to learn and lift up. A part can never equal a whole so breathe in brave while looking in the mirror; you have always been so much more. Share with me how you feel about the anything and the everything so that I may know you; but also so that you may remember all of you. Hold on because while the trail may appear to end, there is always another way to step forward; bringing along all that has been to use in what will be in the tomorrows. Just as every dream matters, whether here or not, so does every moment.
To Sharon: Life long moments brought us together in a hospital that is very far from your home. I have watched you over the weeks transform your fear, through the grace of understanding, into knowing what both of you need; despite his inability, at times, to speak. Your courage is inspiring and your hope has taken life inside of your son as well. Your power lies in that determination to help him help himself. My thoughts and prayers are with both of you every day. Thank you for your support; especially in my darkest moments in hell.
To Josh: We have never met but I know you through your mom. She has been with you every moment; except for the once a week that she leaves to take a shower and wash clothes. Whatever has happened in your life is in the yesterdays and while it will always be with you, it is not all that you are. You have shown that you are a sometime warrior; just like your mom. Breathe in brave fallen angel as you move forward in your life long moment.
This is a place that I have never been to before and while it can be said that the yesterdays have lead me here, it is still not a moment that I had perceived of happening so soon on my trail in heavell. Our ability to cope well through that which all but destroys us relies upon our experiences to help us when we are on the ground; or even walking in circles. I have been the mother of an addict for years; comfortable in that hell while seeking the heaven. What I have never been, though, is the mother of a dream that is no longer here; until now. Last week, after a three week battle for his life that had been filled with rally ups as well as declines, Ryan left this world with Ashlee and myself by his side. A few weeks prior, he had told me that “our experiences create energy and our emotions are the pathways to that energy”. I have found myself feeling okay in the knowledge that he is no longer suffering while also feeling destroyed by the realization that I will never again see my dream nor hear his voice; the heaven and the hell of this trauma. Life contains moments, especially the “f” ones, that will always live on the inside of us because what has been done cannot be undone; but in time they can change form through our emotions. It matters not whether you can understand the loss of my son, you shouldn’t ever be here, but that you realize that the devastation of any given moment in an individual’s experiences can and does carry the weight of the world; as seen and felt in the heart of the beholder. That which is on the inside will be expressed on the outside; because it is a declaration of an energy, a part or a moment that is in need of being seen. My sometime warrior status had been readily available to me during those three weeks but now I am only holding the hand of fear; while the hand of courage remains hidden in the shadows. The hope, that had been present with each passing day, no longer exists because he doesn’t. I am walking in circles because I have never been here before; it takes time to feel the anything and the everything. The tomorrow will eventually come when I will have spent enough time becoming comfortable with this new hell and I am scared of that too; if you’re scared just say you are. The yesterdays are where Ryan lives and I do not want to leave there. The energy that he created in my life was filled with heaven and hell experiences; they are what I am breathing in now. I am who I am in part because of him and for that I will always be grateful; for each and every heavell moment. Every dream matters whether here or not; because as he has said, “Love never ends but it does change into a new energy”. In this moment I will do this differently; with the help of Ashlee, Taylor and even Ryan. I am the heavell keeper of my life.
(Ryan: June 1998-May 2019)
To the doctors and nurses in the ICU: Thank you for all your efforts to save Ryan. I was realistic in my expectations but all of you kept hope alive until the end.
To Brittany: You have chosen a career that is meant to save lives and you are amazing at it. Ashlee and I will forever remember your kindness to Ryan; as well as to each of us. As I said “There is no other nurse that we nor Ryan would have wanted to be there when he left this world.” You are an amazing person. Thank you is what we said to you as we left but it is simply not enough to express our appreciation for all that you are and for what you did. The world is a better place because of people like you.
My dearest Ryan: You went out sober but those yesterdays were never going to let you go. We will always laugh when remembering you saying “I don’t want any fentanyl. I just want a glass of water.” One of the last things you said to Ashlee and I was that “this fucking sucks!” We promised you that we would be okay without you but I want you to know that for us “this fucking sucks!” We will forever miss your circle of heavell being with our circles of heavell. See you fallen angel. Love, Mom, Ashlee and Taylor.
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