It is not our ability to love or to have fun but our ability to face adversity together and separately that determines our successes or failures; whether an addict or not. Over this past year or so, Ryan has had a lot of health problems that have required hospitalization. Those moments from the yesterdays where he lived and breathed drugs have seemed so far away for us but in reality have not been for his body. Hell is always close by because life is never just heaven; unless of course you are an illusion of perfection. The week before Mother’s Day weekend, Ryan went to the mountains on his annual fishing trip; with a favorite uncle of his. On the very first day that he was there, a Monday, he felt his breathing was difficult but reassured me he was fine; he had this. By Thursday it was apparent that he was not okay so his uncle planned on returning home early on Friday morning. Ryan, however, was unresponsive in the morning and paramedics were called. He was placed on life support and airlifted to a hospital in Tucson in a very critical state.
In an all to common behavior of those who deal medically with addicts or even former addicts, judgements came rolling in; as well as the belief that I am in denial as his mother. The reality is that when Ryan had over-dosed at 18 years of age, he had defied the odds by surviving; however he did so with serious damage to his lungs. I had the choice of feeding the hell by reacting to the words and behaviors of those medical professionals or I could feed the heaven by calmly explaining Ryan’s history. We often fail to see and act to the best of our abilities when we feed the hell. I, however, do understand the intense passion that’s felt as it pertains to addiction and the devastation it brings; having spent many years in that place myself. Ryan has been diagnosed with ARDS: which is a wet lung disease that’s being complicated by the moments from the yesterdays. At this point he is still critical, remains on life support but is currently making progress; it’s day 12.
I ask of you, whether an addict or not, that in a moment like this, you choose to do this in a manner that is different then you have ever done before. Please stop feeding the hell on the inside of yourself as well as the outside of yourself. You cannot live to the best of your abilities, nor face the adversities of life, if you do not treat the heaven as well as the hell equally; a part can never equal a whole. Hell will never be that far away because it’s the friend of heaven. Through them both we become fallen angels as well as rise to become the sometime warriors; we have always been circles of heavell. Every dream matters, whether here or not, because without them, we wouldn’t be who we are today, yesterday and even in the tomorrows. I’ve been here before many years ago and just like then, hope is still a part of every moment; even if I am holding the hand of fear while trying to breathe in brave. See you soon. Love Heavell.
When a part becomes the definer of us, a chain is created that binds us to it. Over time, we can develop the simultaneous feelings of not wanting it and yet not knowing how to just be without it; as the loudest voice on the inside. Taylor has told me that while she hates her disease, over the years, it has become a familiar hell; the limitations that it has brought have become comfortable. With the possibility of a cure being found, she has begun to consider how her life may evolve; without those physical restrictions. What if in this moment you contemplated what you would do, how you would just be, if addiction were to end tomorrow; whether an addict or not? Hope keeps us moving while the fear of the unknown helps us to remain living today as we did yesterday; even if we don’t want that. We, ourselves, feed the hell when we fail to recognize the abilities of our heaven; especially when the “f” moments, the traumas or the BLAHs occur. What has been done will always just be because it cannot be undone but you do not have to just be in that place; unless of course you are comfortable there. An addict once told me that he had relapsed and subsequently had made a fool of himself in the process. I said, “So what?” He replied, “But I made a fool of myself!” I heard the recognition of the hell in his voice as he breathed it into his heart; reinforcing his thought process that its all that he is or ever will be. Our perceptions of ourselves, as well as those of others, are actually what chains us in that place of pain. Each of us has the opportunity to find the beauty that can be located in the shadows; by not being defined by a part, some parts, “f” moments or the BLAH. How at ease are you with just being in the place that you are; on the inside as well as the outside? What is in the words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Whether you have an illness, an addiction or the BLAH, you have the ability to use your heaven to lift up your hell; being strong even when you are weak. You are and have always been the heavell keeper of your life. Therefore it is you and you alone who must move forth on your trail in life’s journey; even if everyone else is walking in circles on theirs.
The longer we stay in the place of hurt, the hell, the more difficult it can become to find hope; even though it is always there. What do you see when you look in the mirror? How did it come to just be there? What is the real truth of your life? Has it become all that you are; even though that was never meant to just be? In the yesterdays, I have had moments of foolishness and the possibility exists that I will again in the tomorrows; not unlike an addict. There is also the probability, nay a guarantee, that life will present challenges in those future days that will immobilize me as well; returning to walking in circles. So what? None of that is a complete representation of who I am; no matter if you meet me when I am standing or completely lost on a circle. What those moments are meant to be is the opportunity to learn to see our hell and then accept it as having been just a part of us; whether an addict or not. It is not the place to continue to just be in but the point before eventually moving forward once again; in whatever time that takes. It’s also where the sometime warrior is created; even if there are only glimpses of that part of you. Come along fallen angels because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I. Today is the chance to breathe in brave even if you are feeling scared or are comfortable with the hell; we all are at some point. Find the grace through the understanding of why you are feeling that hell on the inside and then expressing it on the outside; to the detriment of yourself as well as others. Be a victim, be a monster, be both, just be there or realize that while you may feel disadvantaged in some parts, you have depth in other ones. You are the perfect person to love, hate, accept and change every part of you; but never to deny otherwise you will remain fractured. It matters what you do with the knowledge of all of you; chaining and unchaining yourself. Life’s journey is not an illusion of perfection but a full circle of heavell that leaves us on the ground and raises the sometime warriors; while at times we act like fools or are immobile.
The beauty of my son’s addiction, that incredible trail in hell, has been the discovery of, the meeting of and the learning from so many amazing people. It is often easy to miss out on or even to dismiss the vast array of interpretations that are available to us through the words of others; especially when hell overwhelms us. One such group that I am learning about and from is known as BrokenHourGlass. They feature artists Brian Powers and Tyler Jenkins. Tyler has written a song, untitled as of yet, that contains a line that resonates with me. It is: “Take a walk in my shoes, tell me what you see as me” I love those words because they bring the contemplation of what is being felt and seen from the inside of someone else; which is actually so much more than what we on the outside believe we see. How do you feel about that line? If I were you, what would I see on the inside and from the inside of you; rather than what you share, or appear to be, on the outside? There have been many times over the years that I have wished that people who were not going through what I was, would have taken the time to step into my shoes rather than judge me; I am sure Ryan has felt the same way even about me. Our perceptions belong to us, having been created by the all that has been, but there are times when we need to be understood and moments when we need to understand as well. All feelings matter as they carry the weight of the world in the heart of each beholder. So while Tyler and I come from two different worlds, we both have the desire to be perceived of in a manner other than what we have been; that connection. How would things change, if you were able to see people, places, things and even the BLAH from a different view? What if in a moment like this you decided to stop feeding the hell by discovering what its like to walk the life’s journey of someone other than yourself? Got Heavell? I hope so because there is so much more to you, me and everyone else; whether an addict or not.
Thank you Tyler and Brian @brokenhourglass_records for allowing me to quote your line. The words of others, as well as their sometime warrior status, can help us to find and or give a voice to the little boxes of feelings that we are not comfortable with. Thank you for helping me to locate one of mine.
The saying that “misery loves company” is the real truth on the inside of us; as well as the outside of us. Being perceived by others can encourage us to fracture ourselves in order to belong; focusing on only a part or some parts. The unity that can be found there or even through substances, can then lead to our continually walking in circles; actually feeding the hell. The green truth is that the oneness that is felt through the belonging makes us whole but the real truth is that it can and does create discord within ourselves. Which group is on the inside; as well as the outside of you? Which one can see your pain but will also motivate you to find the beauty that lives in hell; in order to move forth on the trail? Which one hopes that you will just be in that hurt? Somehow the feeling as well as the justification that “everyone is doing it or everyone is at this place” makes the anything and the everything seem alright; regardless of who or what may be harmed in the process. What is in the words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Share with me how you feel so that I may understand you but most of all so that you may remember all of you; not just a part or some parts. Have you ever been in a room full of people, known or unknown, and felt alone? How about being in a group in which you feel as if you must hide a part or some parts of yourself? Or are seen only for being a part or some parts? The green truth is that being included by others or fitting in with them or the use of substances will remove the hell; whether an addict or not. The real truth is that no matter where you are or who you are with or what part has the loudest voice, you will still have to walk your trail in hell alone; no person, place, thing or substance can change that. What if in a moment like this, you realized that you are the perfect person because you were made in heavell; and as such are the heavell keeper of your life?
One of my favorite addicts is celebrating and suffering in sobriety this week. He or she has chosen to do it differently this time because what has been done in all of the yesterdays has continued to not work for that person. Hope lives in every moment of the past, the present and the future but it will stay in the shadows if we continue to repeat the same actions while expecting a different outcome. When I spoke with this person, I relayed a story that I had briefly watched on my local PBS station. A young man was speaking about being an ADHD person; how it had been hell for him. His perspective reflected his frustrations while his interpretation showed the influence of words and actions as given by others; because we can lift up and or destroy ourselves as well as others. This young man had spoken with another person, a woman, who had a completely different take on being an ADHD person. I could see and hear that her words had had a profound effect on him; the discovery of the beauty of hell. She said that being ADHD was her superpower; her strength rather than her weakness. The view of every moment, trauma, part or the BLAH is in the heart of the beholder. If our recognition of something is only the hell, then it can be all but impossible to have hope or courage or to even breathe in brave. In the anything and the everything, as well as ourselves, there is both a heaven and hell and as such we must treat them equally; even if we can’t yet see it or don’t want to. I asked my friend, “What if your addiction really was and is meant to become your “superpower”; the creation of the warrior in you?”. The adversity of what has been has always been intended to undermine you, to challenge you on the trail, but it was never ever meant to completely destroy you or to become all that you are; a part can never equal a whole. We assume that heaven is the place to find superpowers, our strengths, but the real truth is that they are created through our suffering in hell; and merely celebrated in our heaven. It matters what you do with the knowledge of all of you because your perspective will determine how long you walk in circles. You were made in heavell so what if you seek out the beauty by viewing addiction as the opportunity for you to become whole; whether an addict or not?
I am confident and comfortable with my heaven as well as my hell; as produced by me and as given to me by others. The pain, the traumas, the “f” moments and the BLAH have hurt me on the inside and as such I have expressed them on the outside; just like an addict. It seemed easier to expect others to pick their own weeds while I just smelled my flowers; justifying or denying my behaviors. The real truth is that I was behaving today as I had yesterday, while expecting a different outcome, by following rather than leading myself and or others; walking in circles. My superpower lies in my ability to transform the all that has been for me into my understanding that what has broken me has also lifted me up; the beauty of adversity. You can find me in heaven as it’s the place to just be but you can also find me in hell because that is where my sometime warrior was created; and is still needed in any given moment. Tomorrow holds the hope that no matter what is found on my trail, or even yours, we will eventually go through; rather than continue to walk in those circles. Come along fallen angels because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I. Tricks aren’t just for substance abuse because heaven and hell use them as well; to make you both incapacitated and fierce. Got Heavell? You certainly do because just like me, you were made there.
To my friend: You have been walking in circles in hell; for what has appeared to be forever. It was heaven to hear the strength in your voice again; even though I know you are suffering in your sobriety. Prior to and throughout your addiction, you have felt and seen so much; breathing into your heart what was never yours to carry nor all that you are or will be. No one ever wants to feel the all that has been but its power has grown from your running; don’t feed the hell. Turn your pain and the anger into understanding by facing the mirror and heading towards what you fear most; the real truth. Stay strong and be weak, together as well as separately, by being the heavell keeper of your life. Sometime warriors are created by your parts being all for one and one for all; otherwise you will stay fractured. Life’s journey is filled with the moments that we’ll never forget because they have always been made in heavell.
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