Both an addict and a non-addict can and do experience a variety of moments that can leave them feeling as if they are hanging in mid-air; unable to move forward. The apple known as denial is a coping skill, a sometime friend, that each of us uses in order to delay the awareness that the real truth brings about ourselves as well as others. That procrastination walks with hope on the trail of our circles of heavell; keeping our desires alive. There is a separation, though, between the interpretation that tomorrow might be different, despite the same behaviors, and the reality that tomorrow will be different through the loving, hating, accepting or changing of every part of ourselves; whether an addict or not. Grief is another place to be, when we are in the hell of addiction or even life, that denial helps us to avoid. It is most often associated with the loss of physical life but the real truth is that we suffer those feelings through all sorts of moments; as felt in the heart of the beholder. While hope keeps us moving, even if in circles, it also can impede our ability to progress through the all that has been; as well as lost. Grief that is kept hidden in the shadows can prevent the transference of hurt into understanding. What if in a moment like this, you chose to do this in a manner that you have not done before by picking your own weeds; some of which are known as grief? What you hoped for can only be achieved by treating the heaven and the hell of you equally.
Ashlee has said that we often avoid the places or moments where the anything and the everything contain hurt, fear, anger and grief. Distress can appear to be an immobile place or even a weak state but it is an important part of transferring the knowledge of suffering into understanding and strength. I, myself, prefer my sometime warrior state, the heaven of me, rather than the “f” moments, the traumas and the BLAHS; even though the fighter in me was created from those adversities. The beauty of suffering is that while it is a part of the hell, it is also a part of what makes us whole; by helping to lift our heaven, our strengths, up. A long time addict friend has repeatedly expressed that he or she does not want to feel the pain and therefore never will. The substance abuse, a form of denial itself, has been a coping skill to avoid the hurt; but with each passing moment, it has actually weakened the abilities of the heavenly parts while strengthening the hell ones. The real truth is that the more we avoid the anything and the everything, through denial and or hiding, the more we are encouraging the hell to stay close; to become powerful despite our having heavenly expectations. What you hoped for can only be attained by walking, crying, feeling, suffering, hanging in mid-air, laying on the ground and eventually standing in your hell; never by being an illusion of perfection. What if in a moment like this, you chose to do it differently by grieving for what has been, what was lost and what will never be; and then stand up knowing that the heaven of you is not that far away?
Over the years, hope has fueled my determination to find my son who had fallen into the hell of addiction. Unbeknownst to myself though was the real truth that hope is actually the sometime friend of the apples known as denial, judgement and justification. As the moments have passed, I have realized that what I had hoped for was not the place to just be anymore; it was a part of what caused Ryan to fall. There has been suffering in me for what has been and lost as well as what will never be but along the way there has also been the discovery of beauty; found in the seeing of all of Ryan as well as myself. The yesterdays will always just be a part of us because what has been done cannot be undone no matter what we wish for. If we don’t go through the hell though, it is impossible to actually have heaven; because we have it all whether we want it or not. I am a dream as well as a nightmare and so is my son; because we are alike despite having different parts, “f” moments, the BLAH as well as beauty. How is what you hoped for working for you; whether an addict or not? Does it only contain heavenly desires? It may appear that hell opens the door to only suffering but it actually holds the mirror that allows us to see that we are a circle of heavell; its up to each of us which group we allow to speak the loudest on the inside. I’m not it because you are the perfect person to be the heavell keeper of your life. Treat both the heaven and the hell of you equally as they are friends who work together to weaken and strengthen you; whether you want them to or not. If your scared then just say you are because there’s no denying that every moment or BLAH has the ability to bring the adversity that will determine the success and or failure of ourselves; by interrupting our steps. Have hope but let it just be the desire that the weakness and the suffering of the yesterdays will be what creates the standing, the sometime warrior, of the tomorrows; by not repeating what has already been done and felt.
To the photo-bombers: What we think we see and feel is often only a part of the whole because it’s just not that simple. Thank you for showing that you are so much more than just people who stepped into a moment.
The enabling of addicts carries an understanding that touches only on the easily seen or visually concrete parts. We are aware that the handing of substances or money or failing to hold them accountable is a part of the facilitation that keeps addiction alive; realized or not. Located within our words and actions though is also the ability to empower addiction and the behaviors that fuel the repeating of today what has occurred in the yesterdays; whether an addict or not. Change is never easy for anyone but the real truth is that we cannot ask someone to behave differently when we ourselves continue to act and react in the same manner; perpetuating cycles while asking addicts not to repeat their own. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others holds the key to how long you will just be in hell; or are able to find the beauty that lives there. Courage walks with fear while enabling marches with denial on that very same trail; which group are you holding hands with? Breathing in brave while taking steps is a part of moving forward but adversity can and does bring the reactions of the yesterdays right back into today; regardless of the number of steps forward or even the amount of yesterdays that have passed. The familiarity that can be found in those behaviors can and does bring a sense of security for all of us; even though they are a part of what ensures that each new day will be similar to the one before. What if in a moment like this, you were to choose to face the all that has been and will be in a manner that you have never done before; even if you are scared to?
Last week I spoke with someone I have known for years. This person is a loved one of an addict who has been replaying the cycles of addiction and sobriety for as long as anyone can remember. This person said to me: “I don’t know what to do anymore. My family member is going to die and it’s destroying everyone one of us”. I could feel the pain and the desperation in those words as they were being said; they had been a familiar place for me as well. As I listened, I was transported to my yesterdays where the moments that had brought such fear still live; because they will always just be there. I thought about the cycles that had been replicated by both Ryan and myself; as if a new day would solve what was so broken the day before. One of the definitions of insanity is the repeating of an action while expecting a different outcome. A commonality that can be found amongst addicts and non-addicts is that we both persist in our well known behaviors; despite the concrete proof that shows that the same actions and reactions will bring about the same results. The real truth is that what was done in the yesterdays is a part of what has become the insanity of today; for all of us. Whether an addict or not, hurt, fear, the pain, the BLAH or even the anger cannot transform through grace into understanding without change; especially but not limited to what is on the inside of us. I have been a perpetuator of cycles and behaviors, an enabler of sorts, with the help of the apples known as justification and denial. Even today, I still have an occasional moment when I relapse into those familiar and comfortable reactions of yesterday when adversity overwhelms me; not unlike an addict. Change is never easy but if everyone behaves in a similar manner as they always have, the results will continue to be as they have been; as such, hell will never be that far away. What if in a moment like this, you were to choose to lead, yourself and others, by not following the behaviors of yesterday; even if it is a place that feels like home?
In every moment of the day, we have the ability to respond to each adversity, fear, happiness, hell, request or the BLAH with the statement of “either I can or I cannot” for ourselves; then expressing to others what we can or cannot do. When we give explanations, those justifications as well as judgements, we enable others to justify and deny their own behaviors. Personal emotional definitions make it hard to hear and understand how others feel; creating the need to defend positions that are felt in the heart of the beholder. By keeping people, places and things within what you are capable of, the can or the cannot, you have the ability to learn to take care of you; to hear you. We can lift up and or destroy ourselves as well as others through our words and actions; encouraging or discouraging the picking of weeds and the smelling of flowers. In order to help someone change or to even save his or her self, we must help ourselves to do the same thing; even if we are comfortable with the all that we are. Those familiar actions and reactions can seem like the acceptable standard but the real truth is they are a part of why we don’t know what to do when adversity arrives; making it hard to breathe, follow steps or even to stand. What if in a moment like this, you decided to become the heavell keeper of your life; believing that your not it because you are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of you?
To my friend and fellow loved one of an addict: The familiar is oh so painful and traumatic; it has been for years and years. You want others to change, especially your addict, but do not seem to want to adapt yourself. How’s that working for you? Today will be the same as yesterday as will tomorrow unless you save yourself first. What if in a moment like this, you tried leading instead of following? What if you just decide whether you can or cannot in all of those moment; accepting that others also have the same ability? Know that you are and have been in hell because you are the one that chains yourself there; it feels like home even if you say you hate it. It matters what you do with the knowledge of all of you. Be a victim, be a monster, be both of them, be an illusion of perfection or just be the heavell keeper of your life; each has always been well within the capabilities and control of your parts. Love, Heavell.
The differences that make each of us who we are is a part of the whole circle of Heavell. Those feelings, moments, perspectives, emotional definitions and even the BLAH place us in our positions on that circle. Having an individual view, those experiences of what heaven and hell are, leads to our denials, justifications and judgements; for ourselves as well as for others. The green truth is that we can compare the suffering, the circumstances, the perspectives and the feelings; the value of them. What I have been through in my life, only I completely know and have felt deep into my parts; breathing them into my heart whether I should or not. There can be an understanding found with others but the all that has been is solely mine; carrying the weight of the world or not for me. When someone does something that hurts us, the encounter is regarded from opposite positions; the view of the giver as well as that of the receiver. Standing with each of them are those who have been on either side of that type of moment; also there are those whose perspectives are more neutral or even lack the knowledge of the experience at all. The real truth is that we cannot decide the value of the pain, the fear, the love, the moments, the BLAH and the reactions to them for others; even though we justify doing so. Just as there are benefits that can be found within the compassion from the group that understands us, there are also those who can and do demean the all that has been; as if we should not be effected by the moments. Ultimately, though, each person has to use all of their parts to find the beauty within hell, heaven and the shadows. It matters not what I say but what you do with the knowledge of you; within your personal circle is the why you fell and the how you will lift yourself up. Why are you trying to make yourself into something you are not; solely hell or even just heaven? Be a giver, be a receiver, be both of them, be an illusion or just be the Heavell keeper of your life. If only the pain, the yesterdays, the “f” moments or the BLAH would just go away, we would never feel the need to deny, justify, judge or even use substances in order to not see the real truth; that hell is everywhere whether we want it or not.
When things are working on my trail, I am a believer in my abilities to face and overcome any challenge; that warrior status of mine. People, places, things, moments and the BLAH however have the ability to disrupt or even to destroy the pace; especially when we least expect it, want it or believe we can handle it. Feelings of frustration, fearfulness and of being lost, as well as the familiarities of the behaviors of yesterday, can then become the loudest voices in any of our hearts; even if it is detrimental to our wellbeing. Courage, breathing in brave or even a warrior status is so much easier when things are moving along or we are at the end of hell; in contrast to the start of or in the middle of it. Our power lies in our ability to face the adversities of any given moment, no matter the duration, rather than in the strides that can be halted. Once those interruptions begin, it can be hard to return to the steps with those heavenly expectations; especially if you are, but not limited to, an addict. Yesterday has passed and while it will always just be, hope brings the possibility of doing this differently in the tomorrows. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Which group is on the inside of you? All of your parts, whether heaven or hell in nature, are there to remind you that you have always been more than just a part or some parts; treat them equally rather than listening to just the loudest one. You are the perfect person to love all of you; and to be your guide on your personal circle of heavell. Use your pieces to hold you in a hug when faced with the challenges that disrupt the process. Be kind to yourself if you do not handle well the anything and the everything. Your hell will not just go away but then neither will your heaven; because they treat you equally even if you don’t see that or feel that.
To All: I am scared; we should all be. There are reports that the level is rising in the amount of children that are suffering from anxiety, distress, depression, suicidal thoughts and the BLAH. The fractured, the de-valued, those in pain as well as so much more, will express on the outside what is being felt on the inside. They will also listen to the loudest voice(s); to the detriment of themselves, families, and society. We can share our knowledge but the real truth is that it will not stop angels from falling; it’s their pain and their moments that will lead them to become the future nightmares. When we are in hell, it’s hard to believe that it will ever end; especially as a child. We need to hear what they see when they look in the mirror. What matters then, is how they feel about that perception; and if we assist them in transfering those feelings into understanding within themselves. We can also help them by letting them know its okay not to be okay; that it doesn’t mean they wont be alright at some point in the tomorrows.
Those of us in the world of addiction, whether an addict or not, have and are living this. We know the real truth about the rise of suffering; as well as where it will lead to. We are the sometimes warriors that in any given moment breathe in brave, have missteps, hold the hands of courage and fear, have “f” moments, know we are scared and have days that we are able to stand; right along with the ones where we live curled up on the ground. If there is anyone who can help show that its alright not to be okay, its us. See you soon, Heaven and Hell.
The power of ourselves lies in our ability to take the hell, the adversity or the BLAH that has been or will be and find the beauty within it; what we are in control of. Our actions, reactions, the pain, as well as the apples known as justifications and denials, can make that impossible to discover and learn from; it is always there whether we are able to see it or not. When we feel we have been harmed, by words or behaviors, we breathe those moments into our hearts; with the hell reaching far into our heavenly parts. The more those types of events occur as well as the intensity of any or all of them, the more those pieces become the ones that are easily seen as well as felt; consuming us whether an addict or not. The weight of all that has been is within the heart of the beholder; and as such has been perceived by that individual. That hell then connects us to the people, places, things, substances or the BLAH that recognizes how we feel; even if it is detrimental to our well being. While it is important for those feelings to be validated, at some point, they must transform into the understanding of what we are capable of doing with the anything and the everything; otherwise we will continue to be lost as well as fractured. The moments, the use of substances, the mistakes, the pain or the BLAH that appear to chain us to hell occur because of ourselves; even though it seems to be the results of something or someone else. It is not our ability to love but our ability to face adversity, separately and together, that determines the strength of ourselves as well as those chains. The beauty is that we can take that which feels like destruction to us and turn it into that which lifts us up; illusions, a part or a moment can never be the real truth about us unless we allow that. Why do you keep trying to turn yourself into something you are not; merely heaven or even just hell? Stay a victim, become a monster, be both of those, appear to be an illusion of perfection or just be the heavell keeper of your life. Know you are a dream as well as a nightmare that is navigating your trail on the circle of heavell; as is everyone else.
Heaven is a place, a state of being, people, things or the BLAH in which only the qualities that are found to be pleasing as well as attractive and acceptable can reside; unhappiness does not and could not ever live there. The classifications of hell are those people, places, things or the BLAH that are awful, unwanted and down right objectional; beauty shuns the anything and the everything that is connected to it. The art of living in heavell is knowing that these are merely the dictionary definitions of the words. The clarity of them, as well as for all words, lives within each of our own hearts; those personal emotional definitions. In any given moment, hour, day or behavior, we can either be a dream or a nightmare; effected by people, places, things, moments and the BLAH. For some I am a dream and for others I am a nightmare; with additional people perceiving that I am a circle of heavell. Which group do you feel knows the real truth about me? Which one do you believe is capable of accepting me while challenging me to do this better; through all of the “f” moments, the love, the laughter, the fear, the pain and the BLAH? Which group surrounds you? Which one is on the inside of you? Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do; for and because of others, in the hiding and the denying of parts, as well as in the use of substances. I’m not it because you are the heavell keeper of your life; nothing but the whole you will ever do.
Hell will never be that far away even for those who appear to only have or are just heaven; because each of us has it all whether we see that or not. Knowing how you feel about yourself and the things that have happened is the start of letting all of your parts have an equal voice. Yesterday cannot be undone but beginning today, the power is yours to decide how and what you breathe into your heart; as well as the transforming of anger, fear, and pain into the understanding that lifts you up. Be kind to yourself for all the “f” moments or the BLAH but do not repeat today what was done in the yesterdays because tomorrow will end up just being the same; you are in control of your actions and reactions. If the strongest voice within you is hurt, often expressed through anger or even substance abuse, then it is time to feel that; look in the mirror and see all of you while acknowledging what has been. Each of us expresses on the outside what is leading on the inside. It is not a reflection of what we or others deserve but a window into the hurt that continues to be felt; growing in strength through such things as anger. Being a whole circle of heavell is a challenge for everyone; no one is doing this without mistakes including me. Justifying why you are fractured is, has been and will continue to be detrimental to your wellbeing; until you are ready to accept all of your parts. You are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change the anything and the everything of you; but never to deny any of it. You are more than just a part, or moment or the BLAH so treat the heaven and the hell equally. The beauty of hell is that while things may have been, they need not remain as the definer of you; you are the one who is chaining yourself to hell. Why do you keep trying to turn yourself into something you are not? Come along fallen angel because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I. I believe in all of you but it matters not what I say but instead what every one of your parts has to say. Be only a moment, the BLAH, hell or just be the heavell keeper of your life; breathing in brave while knowing you are scared to be more than what you appear to be or have become comfortable with. Got Heavell?
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