One of the most common things that I have heard from addicts, especially from those that are in sobriety, is that they feel as if they are suspended in mid-air; not knowing where they belong or feeling as if they do not fit in anywhere. Addicts can never be the person that they were prior to their addiction because so much has been added to the pieces of the yesterdays; there is no going back but there is the repeating of what has been. Nor can they continue to be in the lives of those who have perceived of them through the shared use of substances; if they hope to maintain their sobriety. There is also a disconnect between addicts and non-addicts as each has felt and been affected differently by the substance abuse. The yesterdays may be filled with hell but they are also most certainly familiar and even possibly comfortable in all that has been; whether we want that or not. The past does contain those moments, the traumas and even the BLAH but it is the future, with its unknown places on the inside as well as the outside, that can bring the most fear; especially when the same coping skills hide in the shadows. Where have you been in your heart? How long will you continue to stay there? It is never easy to breathe in brave when the reminders of the anything and the everything can be found in the mirror and in the words that we say to ourselves; as well as in the ones that others say to us. If you are scared or even lost, then just say you are; because we all have been at some point; whether an addict or not. No one can be completely aware of who his or her future self will be; because the moments, the traumas, the love and the BLAH of the tomorrows have yet to be revealed. Treat the heaven and the hell, within you and around you, equally; because adversity brings the latter while hoping that you will use the former to help yourself find beauty no matter where you are. Round and round we will always go even if we stop at the place that seems like home; because we are all circles of heavell.
Those compelling voices, no matter where they come from, help to create the victims and the monsters within our parts. If there is fracturing and a disconnection, we are even more likely to return to the familiar behaviors of yesterday; including but not limited to substance abuse. The green truth is that we can expect an addict, or even ourselves, to get back to being who and what he or she was prior to addiction. The real truth is that a part or some of the parts of that person helped him or her fall into hell; and as such is not the person to return to being if we expect a different outcome. The state of hanging in mid-air is the place between where we have been and where we will be; eventually. As difficult and even as lonely as it can be, we must embrace that place by getting to know all of our parts; especially the ones that place us at risk. Grace is found when we understand why a tree or a part brought down a forest or a whole. What has been expressed on the outside is a reflection of what is on the inside for each of us. That pain or the BLAH must be seen and then transformed otherwise it will continue to bring hell; see you soon whether you want to or not. You are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of you; because you are better together than you are apart. You are the only one who knows and feels the anything and the everything about you; denying a part or parts is how this all came to be. Pick your own weeds and smell your flowers, whether an addict or not, because each one actually contains beauty; in the shadows as well as in plain sight. I’m not it because if you can’t accept all of you, especially the “f” moments, then you will always just have illusions of connections; the first relationship is with yourself. Round and round we go as we behave today as we did yesterday and as we are likely to do so in the tomorrows; unless we treat the heaven as well as the hell equally in order to be whole.
Dear Leslie: On Monday you left this world to join your dream who passed just a few years ago. It had been hard to accept the loss of Chad but through you, his presence has always stayed close to us. Over the years, you have helped us to transform the fear, the regret and even the anger into the love and appreciation of all that he had been in our lives; both the heaven and the hell. Thank you for your kindness towards us but especially for Ryan; it takes all of us working together to help those who have fallen. You and Chad will live on in our memories and as a part of our hearts. Please give him a hug from us. Every dream matters whether here or not. Love Always, Heavell.
We tend to follow the most compelling or vocal person on the outside of us and in the case of ourselves, the most forceful or outspoken part on the inside of us; whether we should or not. The connections we feel within ourselves as well as the ones found outside of us, can prevent us from being whole. Through those focal points and or people, we can fail to see and use all of our parts found on our circles of heavell. By treating the heaven and the hell equally, we are able to continually work on and support the parts that are in need of growth and repair; while still celebrating and breathing in the ones that don’t. What has happened in the yesterdays will always just be but they need not be all that we are today; nor all that we are capable of being in the tomorrows. This is not a competition because illusions of perfection, the appearance of having it all, are the green truth; while circles of heavell, truly having it all, are the real truth. This place that you are at may feel like home but its what you do with the knowledge of all of you that determines whether you find beauty in hell or not. I’m not it because you are more than what you express on the outside or what you appear to be. I believe in your heaven but I also recognize your hell. What do you see when you look in the mirror?
We are encouraged to not dwell in the yesterdays and yet they are what guides us into the tomorrows. They are the foundation within us and as such are a familiar place to be; unlike our future selves. With each passing moment, trauma or BLAH, we add to our parts; whether heaven or hell in nature. How can we step towards those upcoming selves without all that has been? We are left fractured without the inclusion of the “f” moments, the traumas, the strengths, the love and even the BLAH; they make each of us who we are. If we, however, fail to learn from the anything and the everything of the yesterdays, then we are destined to repeat those behaviors in the future; they are the familiar perceptions that we breathe in our hearts. It’s uncomplicated to say to have courage in the tomorrows but it’s not easy to live when fear has been a well known part of the yesterdays; those coping skills. If your scared just say you are because we all have been at some point. Every piece of ourselves and in life has a heaven and hell; one does not exist without the other. It’s up to you to love, hate, accept or change yours; but never to deny any of them. Why do we look on the outside of us for the perception and the validation of the things that live on the inside of us; the weight of which is in the heart of the beholder? Beauty can be found in hell, even in the shadows, but you must seek it out. Take the hand of fear as well as the hand of courage and breathe in brave. Hope makes the learning of lessons and change possible; if not today then in the tomorrows. How can we do this well enough for others if we are not going to do this well enough for ourselves? A tree can bring down or lift up the forest in the same way that a part can effect or be effected by a whole; whether an addict or not. Got Heavell?
Ashlee, in her simple statement of “I’m not it”, has illuminated the need to give consent to ourselves, as well as to others, to be more than just a part or some parts; especially those in but not exclusive to hell. Ryan, in his addiction, has shown that our perceptions of ourselves, as well as those of others, are often the green truth; rather than the real truth. Taylor, in her ability to eventually stand up in her hell, has shown that beauty can be found no matter where we are; grace can be found when feelings of anger are transfered into understanding. The insight of the circles of heavell, provides the ability to learn from and support every one of our parts; as well as those of others. What is on the inside will be expressed on the outside of us; giving a view into what has been and is felt in a part or some parts. We must listen, speak and see as each of us is a guide and a follower; regardless of being an addict or not. The art of living in heavell is found in the recognition that just because you are in hell does not mean that heaven is not also near by; you are better together than apart. Come along fallen angels because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I. This place may seem comfortable in its familiarity but it’s merely a stop on the trail. You have been following the leader but it’s time to allow another part or other parts to stand up to be seen and felt; give yourself permission to do so. You are the anything and the everything in your life; as such you are the perfect person to just be in your heavell. It matters not what I say because the real truth is that you need you; every single piece of beautiful you made up of heaven as well as hell.
To Kenny: Thank you for being my friend and my advisor. Your mad skills have helped to make Heavell a reality. This blog is dedicated to you because your words challenged me to see that whether an addict or not, a part, a feeling, a moment or the BLAH, all of it can guide us; regardless of whether the lesson is heaven or hell in nature. Thank you for your support. See you soon.
We often look to the outside of ourselves for the endorsement of the things that we feel on the inside. When we find the connection, that at the very least appears to validate us, we can feel recognized; whether that bond is created through people, places, things, substances or the BLAH. If there is a failure in achieving being perceived, we can feel misunderstood or even lost. Throughout the yesterdays, we have incorporated into ourselves, all of the moments that have brought hurt into our lives; breathing them into our hearts. They are a part of our personal emotional definitions that make us who we are; the dictionary definitions of words are not the same as our emotional definitions of them. Within those little boxes of feelings are the voices of all that has been. No matter where you are, in your heart or otherwise, what is on the inside will be expressed on the outside; those feelings will follow you wherever you go. Why then do we look outside of ourselves for the acknowledgement and the acceptance of our own feelings? The passage of the yesterdays can heal some of our wounds but all of our feelings will always just be a part of us; even when those feelings change in form. Emotions of happiness can transform into anger when a moment that appeared to be heavenly turns out to be a lie; or even truly hell. Feelings of fear or hurt can be expressed through anger, or even substance abuse, as a reaction to the challenges that adversity brings or has brought. It is also possible for the emotion of anger to be converted into grace through the understanding of our personal circles of heavell; and the role that emotional definitions carry. This place that you are at may be familiar and even comfortable but it also may be detrimental to your wellbeing; regardless of being an addict or not.
For years I struggled with the fear, the hurt, the desperation and especially the anger that lives in the hell of addiction. I know that life has previously brought each of those emotions for me in some way but my son’s addiction amplified them. I had reached the point where I felt that I had to constantly remind myself to breathe; especially during those overwhelming emotional moments. I eventually realized that I could not continue with the repeating of those same behaviors while expecting a different outcome; not unlike an addict. It was my children’s constant challenging of how I perceived of myself as well as how I breathed those moments in that helped me to see the real truth; that I am a circle of heavell. Although each of us used similar words, we did not react to nor feel the same about the words that we spoke nor the moments and the behaviors that were being described; different people with different perspectives. The need to be heard when we feel hurt or afraid or even angry can carry the weight of the world for each of us; whether an addict or not. If, however, we don’t feel the same way about things or even words, how can we possibly understand each other? How can someone perceive of the harm that I have felt as a result of his or her behavior? Or I of that person from my behaviors? Each of us hears and perceives of the anything and the everything through the use of those personal emotional definitions. The heaven and the hell of us is that our words, actions, emotions as well as our lack of perception has the ability to lift up or destroy. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Are you able to hear you or are you a non-believer? Where have you been in your heart? This place has shown me that beauty can be found no matter where I am; especially when I am scared.
You are your guide in the hell of addiction or in any hell for that matter; whether an addict or not. You are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part but never to deny any of them. The transformation of emotions into something that lifts you up rather than destroys you is possible but first you must listen to you; whether anyone else understands or not does not change your real truth. What is on the inside of each of us will be expressed on the outside of us through our words and actions. Even though they can effect us, do not breathe them into your heart; you can learn from them though. Grace is found in the understanding that when someone harms us, it is a reflection of what is happening on the inside of that person; not of what we deserve. If you are going to stand in your hell then you must also stand in your heaven; treat them both equally in order to be whole. Being perceived is found within your circle of heavell and not in the value that others place on you; otherwise you will be fractured. This is not a competition because illusions of perfection can never be the real truth. Use each part of yourself to face the adversity that life brings; if your scared just say you are because we all are at some point. I’m not it because you can do this better; it matters what you do with the whole of you. This place is only one stop on the trail in your circle of heavell; even if it appears to be home. See you soon. Love heaven as well as hell.
One of my favorite lines is an expression that I learned from Ashlee. She uses it when someone is behaving in a manner that is less than he or she is capable of being; we are each so much more than that. She works with young people who are challenged with mental, emotional and addiction issues. When one of them is expressing on the outside what is being felt on the inside, she tells that person “I’m not it”. Those words mean that Ashlee is not the person who will believe nor accept that this is all that the individual is or can be. If there are moments, traumas, the BLAH in his or her life, that it is merely a part or some parts of who he or she is; a part or some parts can never equal a whole. All that has been in the yesterdays or that could even possibly be in the tomorrows may not be within that individual’s control but what matters is what one does with the knowledge of the whole self. What is in the words that you say to yourself as well as to others? When you look in the mirror, do you see the green truth or the real truth? Share your feelings with me so that I may know you; but don’t forget to treat both your heaven and your hell equally. We really do have it all, whether we want to see that or not; whether an addict or not.
The non-believers are those who don’t believe in each of us, including themselves, as being a circle of heavell; convinced that a part or some parts are equal to a whole. When did you become one yourself? When did you stop seeing all that you are? For each part, there is a heaven side as well as a hell side; at times there are multiples of them located within a single piece. It is up to you to pick your own weeds and to smell your own flowers for every one so that you may be more than an illusion of one or the other; whether an addict or not. Life can never be just heaven because it does not exist without the help of hell. Hell will never be that far away as life will always be filled with adversity; even for those who appear to only have heaven. Our trip to Nashville contained both heaven and hell. Taylor’s disease is the hell and being a part of multiple studies that are searching for a cure is the easily seen heaven. In Nashville, the heaven was that the researchers are looking at the disease in a different way than the other two studies are; looking at every part is better than only seeing one. The hell of it is that it’s possible that a cure may open the door for a different disease; something we had not perceived of in our quest for that heaven. Also as a part of the trip were two days of airline delays and missed connections. The first day occurred on our way there and our gratefulness for the inclusion outweighed any inconvenience or adversity. The second one happened on the day of our return; after emotionally and physically exhausting days. I did not handle the second one as well as I did the first. In fact there were probably several minutes of hell that were felt on the inside and then expressed on the outside. No matter the moment, the anything and the everything, people, things or the BLAH, there is always a circle of heavell involved. Beauty can be found no matter where you are if you look for it; even if it is just in the lesson of not breathing into your heart the hell that others bring. Come along fallen angel because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I.
What you feel on the inside, whether an addict or not, will be expressed on the outside; sometimes to the detriment of ourselves and or others. If you are going to express the hell about yourself or someone else, then you must also discover and then state the heaven of that part or moment or BLAH. In doing so, we can acknowledge the pain that can and does carry the weight of the world; as felt in the heart of the beholder. We can also place that hell where it belongs; as a part or some parts of us but never as the whole of us. When under duress, each of us has the ability to be a nightmare through words and actions that are then added to the anything and the everything of ourselves and others. The delays and the missed connections from those days were frustrating but it was my reaction that had the ability to lift up or bring down myself, Taylor and potentially others; while still being delayed and having missed connections. I have to imagine that if Ashlee had been on that trip with us, she would have said “I’m not it” as I expressed my feelings; in a manner that was less than I am or can be. What will you do with the knowledge of all of you? What beauty can you find no matter where you are? Addicts are focused on the addictive substances and we are focused on the addiction; with the hell being a constant perception. We all need to breathe in brave and remember that a bad moment, part or BLAH does not equal a whole; and as such it can’t be the only thing we look at or speak about. This is not a competition but a quest to help each of us, whether an addict or not, to become whole; by loving, hating, accepting or changing while never denying any of our parts. Please stand by because hope lives in the tomorrows, in every single part and in hell as well; whether seen or not. You are the perfect person to speak about all of you. I’m not it because I believe in your circle of heavell. What do you believe?
To Ashlee: Once again you have taught me something about myself, about you and others as well. Your grace is the ability to instill in others that they are and can do this better; because they are so much more than just the hell. You are a beautiful circle of heavell. Thank you for all that you see, say and do. I love you.
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