Taylor and I just returned from a weekend in Nashville. We were there so that she could participate in a medical study at Vanderbilt University. It is the third one in the country that she has been involved in. Unfortunately during Taylor’s freshman year at college, she had been challenged with a lot of stress and some traumas; which resulted in an illness that lead to a disease with no known cure. The studies that she has been assisting the researchers in are searching for a cure for her as well as some similar diseases that others suffer from; each person, place, thing, moment or BLAH can and does play a role on the circle of heavell. Over the weekend we encountered a variety of people that imparted a thought or a wisdom that reminded us that it’s not always easy to find the beauty in hell nor to adjust to the challenges that hell can bring. We have been so focused on finding heaven, the cure, that we had forgotten that there is much to see, feel, hear and learn; no matter where we are. It is better for us to be together, on the inside as well as on the outside, than it is for us to be apart; because a part or some parts can never equal a whole.
On the first part of our journey to Nashville, a woman seated next to me, relayed a story about her husband. He has been successful in lifting up those that feel hell on the inside and then express it on the outside: imparting that they are so much more than that. This man owned a store and whenever someone stole from it, he put that person to work in order to pay him back for those taken items; rather than having them arrested. She stated that the majority of the offenders became valuable employees. She also mentioned that her husband had himself been a hell-bringer in his younger days. The green truth is that someone is or only can be hell or heaven; and as such should be treated that way. The real truth is that we are each a circle of heavell; even when only one may be perceived of. What do you see when you look in the mirror? How about when you look at others? I, myself, have not always been able to see the all that I have been nor the all that others have been. It can be easier to focus on a part or only some of the parts; particularly when they effect us and or others. Come along fallen angels because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I.
Taylor has felt deeply every painful part that this disease has brought to her; physically, emotionally and mentally. All the plans that she had made in the yesterdays, fell away as she realized that hell had become the place that she would just be in; adjustments would have to be made. When faced with the prospect of being in heaven or in hell, it is understandable why we would desire only the parts that are made of heaven. It took about two years for us to meet the doctor who would know what was happening to Taylor; giving rise to the hope that had been lost in the shadows of that hell. It left again, though, when we were informed that there was no cure. A lack of knowledge about it has prevented that from being a possibility at this point; the reason why she is participating in the studies. Hearing the words of the doctor left me feeling just as I had in the revelation of Ryan’s drug use; lost, hopeless and scared. The words “What will we do now? ” fell from my lips once again. Whether we are talking about addiction, people, things, a disease, moments, words or the BLAH, each has the ability to carry the weight of the world; as perceived by the heart of the beholder. Please stand by because hope can be found with its’ friends courage and fear; but you have to breathe in brave in order to find it.
As Taylor was going through the tests, I was able to spend quite a lot of time with the researchers. One of them made a statement that left me feeling as if I were hanging in mid-air; the beauty that can be found in hell is not easily seen nor understood when we are living there. She stated that the disease may be a way for the body to protect itself against another disease. In other words, solving it might open the door to another hell that was possibly not curable. I was speechless as I contemplated all that could be; the pursuit of our perceived heaven would require adjustments. The addiction in our lives has also behaved in a very similar manner by showing us that there are other hells that live within and around the easily seen one. Sometimes the familiarity of the hell known is better than the ones we don’t want to or can’t even perceive of; whether an addict or not. It is also easier to believe that if we focus on one part as being the problem, the other parts will be or are fine. That is a green truth, though, because a tree can bring down a whole forest just as a part can affect a whole.
We can make it no matter where we are as long as we use nothing but the whole of ourselves. We have the ability to lift ourselves up by looking in the mirror to remember all that we are. Where have you been in your heart? Why have you been there? Share your feelings with me and I will share mine with you so that we may understand each other. Are you ready to see you or are you scared? If you are just say you are because we all are at some point. I’m scared because another hell is most assuredly down the trail but we will use the all of us to face it; we shouldn’t be here and yet we are. It is our ability to face adversity together, not our ability to love or be loved, that determines the success or failure of parts, people, relationships, things, addiction or the BLAH. Be kind to yourself while you pick your weeds as well as smell your flowers. The real truth is that hell isn’t easy and heaven isn’t the only place where beauty can be found. It matters not what I say but what you do with the knowledge of all of you. We are better together than we are apart because we have always been meant to be whole; treat both the heaven and the hell equally so that you may be. I believe in your heavell. Do you?
No matter what, whether we are talking about people, places or things, if a part or even parts are missing, the ability to function fully is not a possibility; its just not that simple. Life will always bring hell or heaven in a variety ways; those moments or things or the BLAH. It is, however, our ability to adjust the use of those parts that is needed to face the anything and the everything as a whole. Whether on the trail in hell or on the part that is in heaven, we must utilize the grace found in our strengths and weaknesses. We are the perfect people to love, hate, accept or change each of those parts. I am a nightmare and a dream because I am a circle of heavell; so are you whether you are an addict or not. There are times when I may appear to be one more than the other but the real truth is that I am both; you are as well. I have been stronger than I have known possible and weaker than I have imagined I could be; what is on the inside will be expressed on the outside. The shadows will never completely remove the presence of all that has been in the yesterdays nor that which will be in the tomorrows. When you breathe they breathe because they are a part of you; whether you want them or not. All of our parts treat us equally but it is ourselves, as well as others, who only want to perceive of or be seen as some of the pieces; a part or some parts can never equal a whole. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others? When you look in the mirror, you see what? If you are going to sit amongst the weeds, then you must also sit amongst the flowers or vice versa; as well as both of them for others. Come along fallen angels and tell me how you feel about the anything and the everything so that I may know who you are; but more importantly so that you may remember the all of you. Tricks are for drugs, other substances, hell, illusions of perfection, the non-believers, heavenly expectations, the apples and you if your fractured. It matters not what I say but what you do with the knowledge of your whole circle of heavell; anything less wont work because it’s just not that simple.
As Ashlee has said: “Addiction, or even life itself, is like being on a roller coaster that moves with terrifying speed and slowness; that contains climbs as well as falls. There are moments that can make you laugh, cry or feel angry; while others leave you feeling suspended in mid-air. Each day can be the repeat of yesterday or it can bring a new challenge or even the relief that is so desperately needed.” Neither will ever just bring heaven nor will we only be that because without hell, it cannot exist. The perception of either lives within the heart of the beholder of all that has been and felt; those personal emotional definitions. Yesterday will always just be a part of us but we cannot behave today as we did then if we hope to end addiction; whether an addict or not. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do every day through the denying, hiding or judging of parts; resulting in the fracturing of ourselves. The key lies not in having heavenly expectations or in being an illusion of perfection or in just existing but in finding beauty no matter where you are; on the inside and on the outside. Get to know all that you are because you will always just be. You are your guide because you are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change each of those parts; learn from your heavell not mine. Where have you been in your heart? Where will you be today? Yesterday holds the moments, the traumas or the BLAH that became a part of you. Tomorrow holds the hope that you will take the hand of courage as well as that of fear and find both the heaven and the hell of the anything and the everything. It is your parts, seen or not, that have led you to the place that you are in. I’m sorry but you’ve got heavell; whether you want it or not. Hell can never be that far away because it breathes in us as well as life; just as heaven does. I believe in you but its what you do with the knowledge of all of you that determines whether you will find beauty or not; regardless of where you are. Every dream matters as does every nightmare because they are both a part of the angels that fall; as well as everyone else. Who better to speak for you than you? Heaven and hell love all of you equally; you should do the same for yourself. You can make it anywhere; as long as you use nothing but the whole circle.
My friend, who is an addict, asked me a few days ago if I thought that he or she mattered in the lives of others; knowing that you will be remembered is something that can be important to each of us. The question reminded me of the words spoken by the homeless, young people I spent time with in Denver last summer. Each one, but especially Thomas, had said that they just wanted to be remembered. The perception of what we recall about others is influenced by the how and the what they have been in our lives; the loss or the trauma(s), the laughter and the happiness, the briefness or the extended time, as well as the BLAH. The anything and the everything can and does affect what we discern as memorable; as well as where those moments are placed in our little boxes of feelings. As an addict who has had many moments of sobriety over a lifetime, my friend is a dream as well as a nightmare. He or she, though, only wants to be thought of as being what appears to be the only acceptable person, place or thing to be; heaven or the illusion of it. The green truth of it is that he or she can never truly be forgotten because of some or even all that has been given rise to; the moments found in the yesterdays as well as the ones that will be felt in the tomorrows. When there is hell in our lives, whether perceived by others or not, those hell moments can darken all of the heaven ones until they are hidden deep within the shadows; as if they never even happened. Because addiction has played a strong role in both Ashlee’s and Ryan’s childhood, many of the their memories, the heaven ones, were shrouded in darkness; leaving large parts of their lives hidden from their recollections. We are fractured when there are missing or hidden parts because a part or some parts can never equal a whole. We must treat both the heaven and the hell equally, whether an addict or not, to prevent that detachment or to restore what has been forgotten; the heaven parts can lift up the hell parts. The real truth is that it’s not whether we will be remembered or not but the how and the why we are that will live into the tomorrows. My friend does not want to be remembered for the hell that he or she has brought and yet that is part of what has been done. Denying the heavell will keep others fractured; as well as his or her self. What has been done cannot be undone for both the hell and the heaven; thus both must be perceived. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others? How does your behavior affect you as well as others? Please stand by because hope lives in the future just as it lived in the yesterdays; located within the shadows of all that has been for each and everyone of us.
Last week another friend reminded me that we can be left feeling lost and uncertain when life does not go as we had planned or even had just hoped for; if your scared just say you are because we all are at some point. We often don’t know how to cope with all that has been but especially with the hell; even though it will never be that far away because heaven cannot exist without it. Addiction is not something that anyone aspires to have nor is anyone prepared to deal with it once it has begun; whether the addict or not. No dream, whether here or gone, is or was only the part that breathes through that addiction. Despite the similarities that can bind us together, everyone has a multitude of thoughts, feelings, behaviors and the BLAH that have come together in a specific manner within each of us. The perception of those moments, that have been filled with our feelings about the anything and the everything, are ours and ours alone to place in the little boxes in our hearts. Because of that, we are the perfect people to love, hate, accept or change all of our parts but never to deny any of them nor those of others. If we see and feel the hell, then it is up to us to locate the beauty that is hidden in the shadows within us; it is the only place where it can be located. If it is the heaven that has been found, then we must use that to help guide us when we are on the trail in hell. We can’t be who we are if someone else decides for us what to remember of any moment or person, or how to feel or even how to cope with all that has been; it’s my heaven that can lift my hell not yours. We can, however, all use help in embracing the heavell that each of us are; so that the hell does not overwhelm our moments and the heaven is not just the appearance of it. Tell me all of your feelings and I will tell you all of mine. When I look in the mirror I see a dream and a nightmare who has learned to find beauty no matter where I am. How about you? What do you see when you look in the mirror? We will be remembered but maybe not in the manner we had planned, hoped for or think we should be. Pick your own weeds and smell your own flowers because you’ve got heavell; whether you want it or not.
Based upon the piece(s) that we perceive of, about ourselves as well as those of others, we believe we know who we are or who someone is; but that is a green truth. The real truth is that we are all so much more than the part(s) that we show on the outside of ourselves or that we view on the exterior of others. We can be and are fractured if all of our parts are not acknowledged; whether loved, hated, accepted or changed. For too many years, addicts have been treated as if they were nothing more than “f” moment individuals; despite the fact that addiction has never been a choice nor something that anyone would aspire to be. The same can be said then about anyone who has been defined solely by a heaven or hell part; as if it is all that that he or she is. The student who does not learn the same way as the other students can be labeled as difficult; affecting all of his or her school years. The athlete, celebrated only for his or her gift, can become lost when that identity has faded into the yesterdays for everyone else. The individual who is perceived of as being heaven in one area, such as a job or a relationship, can also be hell to other people, places, things or the BLAH. We can be and are so focused upon a part or some parts, as sole definers, that we are unable to see the full circle of heavell in the anything and the everything; a part can never equal a whole. We must treat all of ourselves, as well as the all of others, equally so that the heaven pieces can lift up the hell ones while the hell parts remind us that beauty can be found no matter where we are; through the lessons of change and or acceptance. What is in your words, that you say to yourself as well as others, denies, justifies and judges the parts that appear to be the definers, but we’ve got heavell; whether it’s seen or not or wanted or not. Tell me what you see when you look in the mirror so that I may know who you think you are versus who I think I see. Come along fallen angel because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I.
Held within each of our little boxes of feelings are the “f” moments, the traumas, the laughter, the misunderstandings, the judgement, the heaven, as well as the BLAH that occurred in every one of those yesterdays; as well as what we perceived of them. Even if a box seems to be an illusion of perfection on the outside, what is located within it cannot be altered; it’s just not that simple. What has been done cannot be undone because it will always just be. Grace for ourselves is found within our ability to open those little boxes of feelings so that voice that each possesses can be heard. It can be hard, though, to allow our feelings to be expressed, especially when the person or people who need to hear it, can’t or don’t or won’t. The more we avoid those boxes, the more they will affect us on the inside and then be expressed on the outside; to the detriment of ourselves as well as others. Who is better to speak about you than you yourself? What if one of the causes of addiction wasn’t a substance at all but instead was all that has been; the perception of which is in the heart of the beholder? Having courage does not mean that there is an absence of fear so if your scared just say you are because we all are at some point. What we have done with the knowledge of ourselves is a part of how we came to be on this trail. Wherever we go in life, those little boxes of feelings will always follow us because they will always be ours to keep. No amount of substance use, being illusions of perfection, heavenly expectations or the BLAH will alter those pieces. The only way is to treat all of ourselves equally by looking in the mirror and giving voice to all that has been; the heaven as well as the hell. What are your emotional definitions that affect the words that you say and hear when speaking to yourself as well as to others? How do you feel about all that has been? Where have you been in your heart? Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine so that we may understand each other but more importantly so that we may lift each other up; or find the beauty in hell.
I was a bystander to several exchanges between a mom and her teenage son yesterday. Each time the mother responded to her child, she did so with a loud, dramatic voice; as if she were on a stage and everyone around her was the audience. At one point she told her son to “PLEASE STOP WHINING!”. I had no idea what he had said, his words had been soft spoken, but her response left me wondering how he felt on the inside. Perhaps she was frustrated, in need of a little space in her life, but she seemed to miss the fact that her son was repeatedly trying to engage her in a conversation. I wondered if this teenager was aware that his mother was feeling something on the inside that she was expressing on the outside; that was about herself rather than him. Even though we may not mean to, our responses can and do lead angels to where they fall; as we do have the ability to lift up and or destroy others but especially our dreams. I hope that her son will not breathe her words or actions into his heart.
To Ashlee, Ryan and Taylor; as well as others: I am sorry if my words, my “f” moments, have affected you in a manner that left you feeling less than you should have. Each of those words or moments was a reflection of what was on the inside of me and unfortunately I expressed it on the outside; to the detriment of myself as well as others. I am sorry if you breathed them into your heart; that was never my intent. I cannot change what has been done but I can make sure that I do not repeat today or tomorrow what was in the yesterdays. If it’s wrong, then it’s wrong; regardless of the apples known as denial, justification and judgement. Thank you for challenging me to do this better and for helping me to look in the mirror.
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