Whether an addict or not, who we will be in the tomorrows can be an unknown as well as an uncomfortable place to be; yesterday holds the familiar parts of ourselves. We perceive of, as well as place a value upon, ourselves as well as others based on the knowledge of the anything and the everything that has occurred during those times. The chains that can and do bind us to the yesterdays are created through the words and the actions of everyone on the circle of heavell; some of which can carry the weight of the world in the heart of the beholder. What would happen if people, places, things, or the BLAH had a missing part or parts? How can they possibly be whole, work together, if parts are hidden, ignored or denied? It is all but impossible to learn from the “f” moments, to achieve a different outcome, if we do not acknowledge and deal with all that has been. My friend does not want to be concerned with the past and yet it is a part of what is driving his or her addiction. That person continues to cope today through the same actions as yesterday; resulting in the identical feelings and behaviors that he or she is comfortable with. What is on the inside can and will be expressed on the outside where we can feel the safety found within the expression of it; even if we hate it or long for a different one. We cannot pick just the flowers while pretending that the weeds do not occupy a place in each of us. You are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of yourself. You are the one who knows the yesterdays while standing by for the tomorrows. If you are scared then just say you are scared because we all are at some point. It is hard to breathe in brave with the familiarity of the known versus the yet to be revealed moments that live in the tomorrows. Where have you been in your heart? How comfortable are you in that place? What if you just experienced all of it? Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine so that we may understand each other. You are your guide no matter where you are so if nothing else, believe in the beautiful and sometimes painful knowledge of you.
If I were you, I would see what in the mirror? Does what you see and feel contain both the heaven and the hell of you; one does not exist without the other? There is a no return policy because what has been done cannot be undone but tomorrow need not be the same as yesterday. The past contains both a heaven and a hell that should be acknowledged but not breathed into our hearts because life is about using all of our parts. It matters what you do with the knowledge of you, from the broken pieces to the easy ones and everything else in between; there is only one you. It is possible to love yourself, whether an addict or not, while hating what addiction brings; the heaven and the hell of substance abuse. Grace for one’s self is achievable by perceiving of the value of having flaws and making mistakes rather than believing that they are unacceptable; and as such should be hidden or denied. An addict I know recently slipped back into the valley of the fallen angels through his addiction to alcohol. He repeatedly talked about his behavior during his relapse; as if it were the only part that he was or could ever be. Located within those “f” moments had been the opportunity to seek the heaven so that the hell could not become the sole definer of himself; hell is the place where he is most comfortable. Some days will be won by the monster known as addiction but not every moment or part belongs to it; treat all of them equally. A childhood friend of mine, who had became a drug addict, passed away several years ago. She had a daughter who did not know her mother in any other capacity until myself, as well as others, took the time to write to her about all the parts of her mother that we had known and loved; before addiction took control. She had been a dream and a nightmare, a circle of heavell, as well as one of the kindest people I have ever known. The letter was also an opportunity for me to tell that child that I was sorry for all that she had felt and lost as well as never having experienced in her life as the daughter of an addict; the truth lies in the heart of the beholder of that pain. Her mother had been so much more than just the addict part that had become the sole definer of her; every dream matters whether here or not to someone somewhere. Unhappy people alter their state of being every day. They are also unlikely to be able to change if they hide the hell on the inside; but still express it on the outside. Addiction is a monster but you are in control of all the other parts; whether an addict or not. You’ve got heavell; whether you want it or not. If nothing else, believe in that and in the beautiful and sometimes painful knowledge of you. Its what makes you the perfect person to be your guide on the trail in hell; unless of course you are comfortable with just being in the place that you are.
Today’s picture was sent to me from Jessica. She was in India on an adventure of a lifetime. Over there, the number of coconut trees on each property is counted and then that number is marked on one of the trees. I have to assume that the more trees a property has, the more valuable the property is; each tree is as important as the next. The same can also be said about our parts; the more that they are seen, the more likely we are moving towards the valuable place of being whole. We should treat every part, both the heaven and the hell, equally. Thank you Jessica for sharing your picture with me. See you soon!
The ability to change our thoughts and behaviors, the habits of them, can be formidable when we seek to acknowledge and transform the parts of ourselves that are in need of repair. At times the hell can be a place that we hate but it’s also the one where the feelings of safety can keep us from wanting to leave it; the known seems better than the unknown. I have a friend who spent many years battling a disease that had become the focus of everything in her life. While a treatment was eventually successful in ending the control of that disease, she still spent many more years feeling as if it was merely hiding in the shadows. She had become, during that time, use to being sick; which had then made being disease-free an uncomfortable, unknown place to just be for her. The more the yesterdays pass in a moment, a coping skill, a feeling, a behavior or even the BLAH, the more the familiarity becomes a haven for us; a normalcy. When a part of us becomes the sole focus or definer of us, it can be hard not to just continue with breathing it in; regardless of whether it is heaven or hell. There can also be moments where others affect our ability to move forth into change by repeating their normal coping behaviors; whether an addict or not. Just as my friend had found herself in the unfamiliar position of being healthy, both Ryan and I had become comfortable with addiction as the focus in our lives and thus sobriety was a strange place to be; no matter how much either of us had wanted it or not. Those emotional definitions, that encompass all that has happened, make us who we are. Also located within them though are the limitations that can keep each of us from treating all of our parts equally; no one can be a whole with missing or denied parts. What has been done in the yesterdays occurred through the knowledge that we had then but in today and the tomorrows, change requires growth from lessons learned; repeating behaviors will result in the consequence of the same outcome. Ashlee, through the lives of her father, brother, boyfriend and a multitude of other friends, has known as well as felt the pain that hell can bring. Substance abuse, in others as a coping tool, has been something of a constant in her life which has resulted in that normalcy becoming a familiar place to just be; despite it being detrimental to her wellbeing. The transformation that is necessary for each of us is not easily located but we will never be able to find the heaven by avoiding the hell. Beauty, the safety, the anything and the everything, the familiar or even the BLAH are in the heart of the beholder. Where have you been in your heart? How comfortable are you with just being in the part that you are? How about the one next to it? If your scared just say your scared because we all are at some point. Please stand by because you’ve got heavell; whether you want it or not.
To the family of my friend who is so much more than just an addict: Today is the same as yesterday and tomorrow holds no hope that it will be any different; so much time has passed into the safety of coping through the use of substances. At some point, lessons must be learned otherwise the outcome will continue to hold the identical results. Hell will never be that far away by having heavenly expectations while appearing to be illusions of perfection. Your loved one must want to deal with all that has been no matter how painful that may be for him or her as well as you; all those little boxes of feelings. If all the parts are not treated equally, he or she can never be whole; nor can any of you. The green truth is that your loved one is the only one who must change the behaviors. If you look, you will find you in the mirror. Your loved one has been living life in the manner that appears to provide the only acceptable place to be; so has everyone else by facilitating the normalcy of it. We lead angels to where they fall. We also help to keep them there. Even though what has been done cannot be undone, today is the chance to choose to do this differently. I am scared for all of you. A tree can bring down a forest just as a whole forest can lift up a tree. Every dream matters but your dream doesn’t know that he or she is important; as the holder of the anything and the everything as well as the BLAH. Come along fallen angel because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I. Life has a no return policy because tomorrow is waiting; but only if you breathe in brave while holding the hands of courage as well as that of fear. If I were you, I would do this differently before time no longer allows the opportunity. It doesn’t really matter what I say but it does matter what you do with the knowledge of you. Are you ready to see you? Pick your own weeds while hoping your addict will follow your lead. Where have you been in your heart?
The things that we feel on the inside and then express on the outside can make finding our way through hell especially challenging. Last week I spent sometime speaking with a friend, an addict, who was requesting my help. Unfortunately none of my thoughts on the ways that help or even change could be achieved resonated with this person; the scenario reminded me of past moments with Ryan. How frustrating can it be for both of us when our feelings do not connect because we each feel differently about the whole aspect of addiction? This dream specifically told me that he or she does not want to nor is willing to feel the pain in his or her life; that heaven is the only acceptable place to be. I could relate to those feelings because looking in the mirror was something I had been able to avoid for years by being an illusion of perfection. The knowledge of that unwillingness to face our own hells created a common ground between us that afforded the ability to perceive of each other; even if it occurred in a small manner. His or her escaping from the pain, the traumas, though, can result in an end to his or her life; whereas my avoidance does not. On the inside, where all the moments in life have come together, are the pieces that make this person who he or she is. It is the place where heavell lives; whether it is wanted or not. In the past, I have felt fear for this person because of his or her addiction. As time has passed, I am now in the position of feeling sadness for what has been lost; as well as what may never be found in the tomorrows. Every person who lives within or has been affected by hell can attest to not wanting to feel any of the pain. It is the reason why we hide some of the parts of ourselves; especially when life brings more than we can bear. In order to be whole, though, we must acknowledge every piece because they exist together; within our personal circle of heavell. By acknowledging the anything and the everything in our lives, we can learn from those moments; rather than deny that they exist. The reasons why anyone would only have heavenly expectations in life is not that hard to grasp; especially with it appearing to be the only acceptable place to be. As far as addiction or even the BLAH is concerned though, it is just not that simple. Come along fallen angel because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I.
Substance abuse not only provides the avoidance of pain but it also imparts the false validation that the feelings of the user are indeed supported; it’s one of the promises that leads people to cope through the use of them. When the people in our lives find that needed connection through people, places, things, substances or the BLAH, it can feel like betrayal to us. I know that during Ryan’s drug use, I could not understand why he would have ever chosen them over us. I had not been able to understand the unity he felt with them through the cathartic relief that they had brought. The family of my friend cannot perceive of the attachment that he or she has for substances. They are however aligned in their feelings of betrayal that have resulted from their loved one’s addiction. My friend and his or her family stand on opposite sides believing that the other one is wrong, the hell, because they have not experienced substance abuse in the same manner. How difficult is it to speak with someone who has had a completely different encounter then you have; no matter what the subject is but especially in addiction? What has been done has become a part of each of us and denying that will not change the real truth. Each of us, whether an addict or not, can and do share in the commonality of living in or desiring what was in the yesterdays or in only having heavenly expectations; even if it’s detrimental to our wellbeing. What’s in your words that you say to yourself and others? Do you deny the BLAH? Each of us is more than just a dream or a nightmare and as such each of us has the ability to lift up and or destroy ourselves as well as others. My friend wants to live life the way he or she desires regardless of the harm, the hell, that may occur to his or her self or even to others. Words, knowledge, anger, shaming or even pleading will not alter the behavior of someone unless that person feels the same connection or is able to truly seek change; addiction is not a choice that anyone aspires to. This family, as well as the addict, are only able to see the hell and with each passing day, heaven is becoming a memory that is hidden farther and farther in the shadows; even though they are all pretending to live in what appears to be the only acceptable place. Got heavell?
To my friend: I have known you through so much over so many years. You have perceived of the changes in me and as such have said you are proud of as well as happy for me; thank you. Life has brought more than you have been able to bear; I am sorry for that. Rather than seeking my help, it seemed as if you were looking for my approval to live your life the way you desire; you have already been doing that without my say so. The pain, the traumas, the “f” moments are not that simple and dealing with them will bring all of those feelings to where they can be seen as well as felt. You have been expressing those hidden parts on the outside through your substance abuse for years. I did not get where I am today by staying as an illusion of perfection nor by just having heavenly expectations; without having to deal with the hell. When you look in the mirror you see what? You are your guide and only you can go through while breathing in brave into your heart; not the words or the behaviors of others. Substances along with the apples known as denial and justification are not on the trail to heaven; even if the snake told you they were. You shouldn’t be here but you are. How is that working for you? Come along fallen angel because you are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change all of you; denying the hell hasn’t worked yet. I hope you and your family pick your own weeds so that each of you may find beauty no matter where each of you are. Mirror, mirror just tell the truth. Please stand by because you’ve got heavell; whether you want it or not. See you soon my friend.
It’s easy to find just the heaven or even just the hell of any moment or BLAH through our perceptions of each but it is not that simple to see both in every situation. When heaven is experienced, we can effortlessly be happy and if its the opposite we then can focus on the harm or the pain. Every piece of ourselves as well as those moments contains the chance to understand, learn from and or appreciate more than just what is easily seen or felt. Our personal emotional definitions can and do limit our ability to see the full circle of heavell; especially when life brings more than we can bear. I found myself being unable to hear or even understand Ryan during those times when we had worked on the issues between us; “When you do this I feel this…”. I was sure that I had been justified in my behaviors, those actions and reactions, while he did as well about his own. We stood on opposite sides believing that the other one was wrong or only the hell; which was a green truth. In the face of addiction, it is tangible to believe that the coping through substances is wrong but unfortunately it has and never will be that uncomplicated. I fought that knowledge for years through the belief that if Ryan would just stop using or if drugs were entirely unavailable, that all would return to my heavenly expectations. What is on the inside will be expressed on the outside and as such where there is a will, a need, there will always be a way. Some behaviors, such as substance abuse, are obviously detrimental to one’s wellbeing whereas other ones can be harder to see as well as to comprehend. The hell of Ryan’s addiction was that it all but destroyed a tree who basically then brought down the whole forest. The heaven of it, quite simply, is that his dependency ushered in the mirror that showed all of the truth that had been so easily denied or justified; especially when stated by him as an addict. The “f” moments appeared to be understandable but they still brought hell to the lives of others as perceived by the holder of those feelings. Someone told me that a friend had left her feeling abandoned after the relationship had ended years ago; a trauma that carried the weight of the world. It took sometime for me to perceive that it was I who had been the conveyor of that pain. I had not understood the affects of my actions/reactions on her because its always easier to know our feelings than it is to try and grasp those of someone else; we did not feel the same about that situation. The details do not matter but the end results was that hell had been breathed into the heart of that person despite that not having been my intentions. Her feelings are of significance because they are a part of who she is and how she became that person; just as I am who I am and Ryan is who he is. What is in the words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Do you deny the BLAH? Do you think you are only heaven or hell; whether an addict or not? Do you justify your behaviors or even deny them? While we are not responsible for what someone does on the inside with what we do on the outside, we cannot ignore our ability to lift up and or to destroy others; as well as ourselves. A hug can lift the weight of the world just as easily as words can chain someone to hell. Tricks are not just for drugs but are also a part of those apples known as judgement, denial and justification that play a role in how we feel on the inside and then express it on the outside; whether an addict or not. Happy people do not alter their state of being through substances, people, places, things and the BLAH but unhappy people do every day; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly. If we look for or only want the heaven or even the appearance of it, we are fracturing ourselves because the real truth is that we do have it all. Relationships, people, moments and the BLAH are complicated because of those personal emotional definitions; that came together while being affected by all the circles of heavell that have influenced them in life. Beauty hides in the shadows right next to all of those moments, the traumas and even the BLAH that we cannot possibly know; unless they are said and listened to without those apples. Life has a no return policy because what has been done cannot be undone but hope is waiting in today and in the tomorrows. Have you got heavell and are you ready to see you?
The Apples are words with definitions, whether dictionary or emotional, that bring a connection as well as an empowerment to those who belong to the group that agrees; the heaven. The use of them, however, also brings to an end the ability to learn from every moment or the BLAH about ourselves and or others; which is the hell. Even if we do the same thing or have a similar behavior, we cast a verdict through those apples that a behavior, an action or reaction, is completely wrong from someone else but ours is understandable. The apples can and do encourage only doing the right thing when and if others do it first. Those words also lead to the behaviors that prevent us from learning what hell is meant to be; a place to discover all that has come together that makes us who we are. Hell will never be that far away because it is where the lessons are. It’s up to you as to whether you are just in hell or if beauty can be found no matter where you are; you are your own guide. Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine so that we may understand each other; but not if we use the apples. The significance of being an athlete or not, a good student or not, an adult or not, rich or poor, educated or not or BLAH is minimal in comparison to who you are as a person; what you feel on the inside and then what you do with that knowledge on the outside. You are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of you because you’ve got heavell; whether you want it or not.
Every situation and every person contains both heaven and hell; bringing the version of each through the challenges, the celebrations and the lessons learned or not. It is often said that one person’s heaven is another person’s hell but that is a green truth. One cannot exist without the other although it can be incredibly difficult to find beauty in the hell when it often hides in the shadows. The loss of a dream is the most challenging because with it comes the inability for there to be a tomorrow even though yesterday will always just be. The process of being in either place pertains to the holder of that hell or that heaven; whether an addict or not. Sometimes the things that we face are more than what we can bear and denying that only ensures that hell will always stay close. The ability to cope well in any given moment depends on what that moment, that trauma, or that BLAH is as well as how we feel on the inside when it occurs. In my life, some of the simplest events have brought me to my knees while other ones that should have destroyed me resulted in a momentary flinch. If those things continually happen, it can and does get harder and harder to breathe. Substance abuse, whether an addict or not, contains within it such extremes of emotions that sometimes it is easier to seek concrete answers while hiding or denying those feelings. Ryan is my dream, a fallen angel, but for others he is nothing more than addict, a nightmare; we have not felt the same about him. We each are or have been in denial while using justification for our behaviors; the real truth is that Ryan is both. Neither the non-believers nor I can dismiss the full circle of heavell that he is because to do so will ensure that he remains fractured. When that counselor, all those years back, had said that I could not hand Ryan his belief in himself, he had only been somewhat right. By seeing only the pieces that I had wanted to, those heavenly expectations, I was failing to help Ryan love, hate, accept or change every part of himself in order to be whole. The same then can be said of the non-believers who wanted only to see a part or some of the parts of him that are only the hell. I am so much more than just the mother of an addict or the hell in someone’s life or even the heaven in another’s world; we all are. Each of my children can relay heaven and hell moments about me even when talking about the same event. All of those emotional definitions are valid and denying that will not change the truth in the mirror; its easier to only be or see or hear the heaven. We cannot breathe into our hearts the feelings of others because within them lie the fracturing that prevents us from learning the lessons and or finding the beauty in hell. What has been done cannot be undone no matter what we hope for, wish for or deny because yesterday will always be a part of us. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Do you deny the BLAH? Do you only see the hell of you or only the heaven? Beauty can be located no matter where you are, on the inside as well as the outside, but it is your emotional definitions that will determine when or if you will find it. You are the perfect person to love all of you but never deny the BLAH otherwise you will continue to only perceive of illusions of perfection; a place where real beauty will never be found.
The HugTrain made it’s way through Tucson on Sunday and the founder, Arie Moyal, stood on a street corner while offering free hugs. This gentle, giant who hails from Quebec, has been riding the trains to different cities in the United States during the holidays for ten years; as a way to bring a distinct perspective about the world through hugs and mental health support. This year his ride was dedicated to a fallen angel that was lost to an overdose a few months ago. I missed the opportunity to meet him in person but I was fortunate enough to speak with him for some time once he made it to Los Angeles. I was amazed at his perspective of the needs of his friend while also being painfully aware of his inability to help that dream find his belief in himself before time ran out. Yesterday will always be in their friendship but there is no today nor will there ever be a tomorrow because what has been done cannot be undone. What, then, to do with the emotions of the anything and the everything, from the friendship as well as the loss of it; as it pertains to the one who carries it on the inside? Arie is the only one who can find or not the beauty that lives in the hell that will always just be; just as each person who knew that dream must do in their own time and way. This year’s ride has contained more of the hell side of the circle of heavell for Arie as feelings can be and are exhausting; leaving it hard to breathe and to know where to step next. With each year, he has been generating and sharing a concrete thing, hugs, during a time of the year that can be overwhelming for so many. The green truth is that Arie does this for others but the real truth is that he is also finding his way through life on those train rides each year. Arie sacrifices more than most realize for those hugs spread out over the cities that the trains stop at. For years he has personally funded those acts of kindness until disability placed him in the vulnerable position of being perceived through the generosity of others on his GoFundMe. Please check him out on Facebook at HugTrain; it is a non-profit organization. He still has a few more days to go and you can see his trip from the beginning until the end there. Arie will probably never know the impact that he has had on one life or perhaps even many lives over the past ten years; only those who carry it on the inside know the real truth. After speaking with him, I was once again reminded of my ex-father-in-law who gave me the greatest gift via a hug on a day when life was more than I could bear. Never stop Arie because people like me need you to help us express what is on the inside without the use of words that don’t always mean the same thing to others. As you said, “A hug conveys the message that you are seen and that you matter”. Thank you Arie Moyal for your time and your words of wisdom.
To All: Addiction is an opportunity to discover and know every part, the hell and the heaven, of ourselves as well those of others. You are more than the substance abuse that affects your life; whether an addict or not. Love, hate, accept or change every part but never deny the BLAH or you will remain fractured. It matters not what I say for my emotional definitions belong to me but it does matter what you do with the knowledge of you; you are your own guide. If I were you I would see what in the mirror? That which is on the inside will be expressed on the outside; determining whether you are just in hell or if beauty will be found no matter where you are. If your scared just say your scared because we all are at some point. When was the last time you hugged yourself; especially when life brings you more than you can bear? See you soon, love Heaven and Hell.
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