When dreams become nightmares through addiction, its easy to focus upon the substance abuse as being the sole problem but that is a green truth. We rarely, if ever, know the real truth about what it took for someone to get where they are until we deal with all that has occurred. Substances are concrete items that can easily be seen and therefore easily blamed; versus the hard to understand feelings of ourselves as well as others. By simply controlling substances or removing the access to them, the belief is that addiction will no longer be a problem; another green truth. Where there is a will, there will always be a way. Where there is a need, especially the desire to run from pain or to fit in, there will always be a way. When Ryan began using, it had started with a friend offering him a prescription pill with the promise that it would surely make everything alright in life. Why does anyone need a person, a place, a substance, a thing, a BLAH in order for that to occurr? The problem with the yesterdays is that in them lie all that has been done whether seen or not; leading to that which is on the inside will be expressed on the outside, eventually. It has really taken me such a long time to know and even understand all the things that drove Ryan to escape life through his false friendship with drugs. They had brought him the ability to cope in a life where he had learned to only appear to be an illusion of perfection. The story of each addict is not exactly the same but part of the answer of addiction does lie in the pieces that bind any and all addicts to the use of any and all substances; not just the addictive nature of each substance or even the addict brain itself.
If in life we are supposed to help each other become the best version of ourselves, then dealing with the hell side will have to be a part of achieving that; heaven does not exist without hell. Life is never going to be favorable with its challenges nor is any person going to be well timed in the deliverance of the parts that demand the ability to cope well. It is easy enough to believe that the anything and the everything from the yesterdays will just stay there but they don’t. See you soon in the future in the form of addiction when “unhappy people” cope through the use of substances. Those moments, no matter the size, make up the traumas, no matter the size, that are carried in the heart when they are breathed in. They are perceived by the person who feels them; where they can and do carry the weight of the world. How you feel about the anything and the everything is not necessarily what anyone else feels even though we all understand the dictionary definitions of words. What is in your words that you say to yourself and to others? Do you cope well? Dreams do not aspire to become nightmares, victims do not hope to become monsters and angels do not plan to live in hell but it happens every single day; whether convenient or not. We must treat all of the parts of us equally otherwise we will only be illusions of perfection; altering our state of being because we will need people, places, things, substances and BLAH to feel better. Feelings cannot be seen until they are expressed on the outside in manners that can be and are detrimental to ourselves as well as to others; they are what make each of us who we are. “I am sorry” is an important statement, whether an addict or not, because in it is the validation of the feelings of others. We may not feel the same way about the anything and the everything but we can relate to the need to be seen and heard. Addicts really are just like you and me because they feel the same way about facing the mirror and dealing with hell just as much as we do.
A scientist once told me that addiction has actually played a role in the survival of human beings. He explained that during the times when water carried diseases, the drinking of alcohol or fermented beverages prevented people from contracting illnesses that would have killed them. Today, however, addiction is not necessary in the survival of diseases even though it still holds the promise of existence in a world of pain; as well as for those who live with mental illness. The yesterdays are a part of us because they will always be; what has been done cannot be undone. If we behave today, though, as we have in the past, we will continue to be a part of the problem rather than a part of the solution. Just because it has been done does not mean that it was right then nor that it is right now. Addiction, like a circle of heavell, carries within it the vast layering of contributing factors; not just the ones that are easily seen and or blamed. If we are to truly help each other to become the best forms of ourselves then we must find beauty no matter where we are; coping well without people, places, substances or BLAH in order to feel better. Hell will never be that far away because life is not that considerate and heaven cannot exist without it. Pick your own weeds while carrying hope in your heart that others will follow your lead. I am sorry that you are here but you are the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of you. What pieces bind you to heaven and or to hell? It matters not what I say but what you do with the knowledge of you; just don’t deny any of your parts or you will remain fractured.
To All: Every day is a new day to discover you. To face what has been done by you and to you. Breathe in brave while holding the hands of courage and that of fear. A wise friend once said, “If your scared just say your scared because we all are at some point”. You are more than the parts that bind you to addiction. Treat both the heaven and the hell in you in an equal manner because one does not exist without the other. Beauty will never be found in illusions of perfection. You are the real truth in your life whether anyone else feels the same way or not. Tomorrow is waiting for you to become a whole circle of heavell. What will you do with the knowledge of you?
What you feel about the anything and the everything will be expressed in your behavior and ultimately it is a reflection of what you discern life to be. If there is hurt or pain or a need to be perceived by others in your life, it is more likely that you will feel angry and or depressed. As such, you will react in ways that may not be of benefit to yourself nor to others; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly. Throughout these years as we have dealt with the opinions as well as the behaviors of others towards Ryan, it has been surprising and painful to witness the justification of disrespect that he has endured. How hard can it be for an addict to overcome the addiction that lives within when the behaviors from others are a continual reminder of all that should not have been? In order to be whole, to overcome addiction, we must focus on all of the parts that are located within our personal circles of heavell; not just the ones we or others choose to view.
Unbeknownst to us was the real truth that the continual use of substances can and does permanently damage the body. The hospital Ryan was at a year ago failed to discover what was happening on the inside because of what they knew of him on the outside; that he had been an IV drug user. It mattered not what I had said nor even what Ryan had said because the only opinions that were of importance were those of the hospital personnel; as such that delay in treatment almost cost him his life. All feelings matter, regardless of who they belong to, but it is how they are coped with and then expressed that determines whether we are a part of the solution or a part of the problem; regardless of being an addict or not. After seven hours in the ER, the doctor had informed us that they had yet to draw blood on Ryan. His cavalier attitude had been the determiner in Ryan choosing to be discharged rather than to continue to wait for care. Fortunately I had demanded that they draw his blood before he had been released. Shortly after we had returned home, that same ER doctor had called to inform us that Ryan was in kidney and liver failure; he was critical. Anger swelled with every breath that I had taken as I listened to that doctor. Both Ryan and I had been painfully aware that he was being ignored during the time that he had laid on that gurney. Each of us at the hospital had felt differently about addiction and as such we had behaved according to those feelings; which has nothing to do with the dictionary definition of the word addiction. Someone recently told me that I should “just get over it”. We obviously did not feel the same about what had occurred but the devaluing of feelings will only result in a failure to resolve any issues. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Pick your own weeds otherwise you will only be an illusion of perfection who bites from the apples known as denial, justification and judgement; beauty will never be found in that hell.
The judgement of others has repeatedly been a hinderance in Ryan’s sobriety as well as almost having cost him his life. Perhaps addiction should come with a notice that states that addicts can and will be treated as less than by some people because “bad behavior justifies bad behavior”. We need to know how we feel about the anything and the everything but we also need to know how to cope well with those emotional definitions; whether an addict or not. The act of saying “I am sorry” is not the admittance of guilt nor the placing of someone else’s feelings above your own. It is the acknowledgement of the other person’s feelings that are based on his or her perception(s). We are each a circle of heavell that can be hell or heaven or both in the lives of others; illusions of perfection will not remove anyone’s sins. It is never easy to look in the mirror and see how we have affected others but beauty can be found in bringing to light what has been hidden. Life has a no return policy because tomorrow holds the opportunity to do this differently by not repeating the same behaviors of yesterday. Take the hand of courage and the hand of fear while breathing in brave. Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine because a tree can bring down a forest and a forest can lift a tree.
To Ryan: Your compassion towards others and your forgiveness of them, despite never having received an apology, is why you are the hero that I aspire to be every day. I have said it before but I will say it again, “I am just so sorry for all my “f” moments”. Every moment matters with you and I will live in hell as long as you are there. I love you.
Our recognition of addiction is greatly influenced by what the fixation is and whether or not it has had an influence in our own lives; the manner, the time frame, the BLAH. The definition of the word addict itself contains both a heaven as well as a hell side. If you are a lover/user of substances, then you are a part of the description that is linked to hell. If you are a lover/fan of a specific person, place or thing, then you are the acceptable part of the definition that is associated with heaven. There is such a diversity of reactions and emotional interpretations in regards to the need or preoccupation of anything. Within that heavell though lies the commonality that can bring the compassion and the understanding that we each need as it pertains to dependency; regardless of whether an addict or not. Recently I listened as a police officer spoke about the use of the drug Narcan to combat overdoses in opioid users. That officer’s observation was that perhaps Narcan was fueling overdoses as addicts can now be brought back from the brink of no return. I, myself, have never met nor heard of anyone choosing to overdose because the ability to be saved is now the norm. Is that officer’s statement one that is made up of the green truth or the real truth? Or was it one that was merely spoken with the frustration of having to save an addict on more than one occasion? The start of substance use is a choice but the inability to end the fixation that the brain, the body and even the heart desires is not. Being an addict associated with the hell side is clearly not what any dream has nor ever will aspire to become. Narcan brings the hope that an opioid addict has another chance to find sobriety rather than the ending that is located within an overdose. Every dream matters, whether here or not, because each carries or has carried the beauty of heaven as well as that of hell; as perceived by those who carry those dreams within their hearts.
What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others? By thinking about the things that we are engrossed in, it is possible to find a connection through the similarities that each of us feels about anything and everything. Part of the hell of addiction is found in the separation of those perceptions and needs that are carried within the heart of the addict versus those within a non-addict. Depending on what your emotional definitions are, you will view those things as either heaven or hell but that may not be how someone else sees them. Take whatever thing is most important to you and replace it with substances. How do you feel now? What do you think your addict feels? There are things that help me just be in life and while they are different from what Ryan chose to cope with, we both located the connection that we were each in need of. Substances bring the false promise that what is on the inside can be fixed or dulled by that which is on the outside. Over time the comfortableness of that coping becomes a way of just being. One of the greatest moments in my life occurred years ago when Ryan had been on a ventilator for several days after overdosing. My ex-father-in-law had arrived from out of state to provide support for my ex-husband and also for me. As soon as he had walked into the hospital, he had wrapped me in a bear hug that lifted the weight of the world for me. In my darkest hour, I had needed that someone or that something to bring me relief from all that was transpiring on the inside; no one could see it on the outside through my illusions of perfection. It took years for me to grasp the beauty of that heavenly gift that came that day. Ryan has been associated with the description of hell that is defined by being an addict of substances. I have been linked to the acceptable version of it known as heaven. We are both, though, a circle of heavell because I am more than the mother of an addict and he is more than just an addict.
The real truth about addiction is that it contains both heaven and hell not only in the dictionary but in life as well; your emotional definitions are the key. Yesterday will always be a part of each of us but as of today, none of us can ever be that exact person again because the moments keep accumulating; the traumas, the gifts, the “f” times and even the BLAHS. If I were you, I would see what in the mirror? Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine so that we may understand each other through the similarities. Take the hand of courage as well as that of fear and breathe in brave. You are the perfect person to love all of you. You are also the perfect person to perceive of others in their darkest hour; whether an addict or not. What will you do with the knowledge of you? Life has a no return policy because tomorrow is waiting for you. Just go through with the hope that, no matter where you are on the circle of heavell, beauty can be found there.
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