Once a dream has fallen into addiction, the affects of all that it entails becomes a part of everyone on the circle of heavell whether we want it to or not. Some of our responses to that scenario are then based upon our resentment of being pulled into hell with them. If only those angels had done what we had said, none of us would have been placed on the trail of addiction that may never truly be that far away. Our memories of yesterday remind us of who an addict was prior to today and within those recollections is the hope that they will return to that place in life. I had just wanted Ryan to come home to himself in order to be that pre-conceived notion that I had held of him. With each sober moment, day, week or BLAH, I had believed that that was who would return. It fueled my determination to make that the reality for him as well as for myself. The real truth though was that my knowledge of him was made up of only some of his parts. Within each relapse, those secret pieces fought to be seen and heard despite being detrimental to the carrier within whom they lived and who was also fighting to keep them hidden. In order for an addict or even a non-addict to be whole, all of the pieces that make up his or her personal circle of heavell must be loved, hated, accepted or changed; regardless of our desire to acknowledge them or not. You should be here is based upon our emotional definitions but is not necessarily the right answer for others. There had been times in the past where my memories of Ryan brought me pain because of all that had been lost but also for the person that I had thought he would become. Who he is or who I am is based upon the heaven and the hell of each of us and not just one or the other. Addiction is merely one part of him and I am more than just the mother of an addict. We can use the words that we all have an understanding of but it is those personal emotional definitions that live in our hearts that lead us to where we all fall. If we do not deal with the whole of each of us, then we will live only in illusions of perfection while ensuring that hell will never truly be that far away. Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine because we are each a circle of heavell. No one will ever come together as we each have nor feel exactly as we each do; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly. There is you and then there is me but there is also so much more in between because it is just not that simple. How we feel on the inside will be expressed on the outside; sometimes to the detriment of all.
What if a loved one has only known a dream as solely being in that place of addiction? What beauty can be found in a hell where hope has only been seen lurking in the shadows? In the past I have failed to recall that both Ashlee and Ryan carry the parts of being the children of an addict; all of the highs and the lows that it entails. I had believed that they would be fine but unfortunately addiction had impacted them in ways that were felt on the inside but I had neglected to recognize on the outside. By being unaware of what they were breathing into their hearts, I never realized all that was becoming a part of their whole circle of heavell. They were each completely alone in the emotional definitions that came to be within themselves and as such reacted in separate manners. It was hard for me to comprehend what being a child of an addict encompassed and the consequence was my inability to perceive of the things that carried the weight of the world for them. What has been done cannot be undone by any of us because in the yesterdays we will always be the “f” word; in so many moments that have impacted them as well as others. We were a part of those traumas whether we knew it or not or intended to be or not. Ashlee sums up her life this way: She physically lives in a home but the part of her that is the child of an addict lives on a continuously moving roller coaster. Along for the ride in the other seats are her worries, uncertainty, fear, sadness for what has been lost and forgiveness for those “f” times. Thankfulness is also found there for the moments or days that addiction isn’t at the forefront of her life. Even the aspect of incoming phone calls or those that are left unanswered ride along in the familiar way that the sinking feeling of defeat can bring. As an adult she has been able to grasp the hands of courage and fear while breathing in brave. She also carries hope within her now for herself, for Ryan, for her father, as well as for others. Because she has learned to water her flowers and pull her own weeds, she has become more than just the part of her that is a daughter, the sibling and the friend of addicts. It is her real truth about a brave little girl who will always just be in the heart of a woman who has found beauty in hell. As she has said: Addiction breaks so many but it also gives rise to the understanding and compassion that we all need to find within ourselves for ourselves; because there is so much more in between. Please stand by as we are all in need of repair.
To Devon: As mothers, our intent is to protect our children by removing them from what or whom we see as being harmful. Unfortunately we are not always able to see the trauma that rises from within despite that effort. My children can perceive of your pain but only you can find your place to be. Your continued compassion in a situation from where there is no escape is admirable. You will find beauty in hell by breathing in brave. Hope does live in you for you. You are a circle of heavell. Embrace every single part for they are what make you the only you. What will you do with the knowledge of you?
To Charlie: It is with great sorrow that we say good-bye to you. I will never forget how your bear hug lifted the weight of the world for me that day at the hospital after Ryan had over-dosed. Thank you for perceiving of me in my darkest moments. For a man who spoke few words, your impact shook this world. Until we meet again…
How we feel about the anything and the everything in our lives can be difficult to understand within ourselves but even more challenging when it pertains to others. Despite any similarities, we are each a circle of heavell with our parts creating our personal whole. When we express how we feel, depending on our emotional definitions and those of others, we can either experience being perceived or being disregarded or even being completely devalued. We often seek that validation of our feelings by being heard on the outside of ourselves rather than discovering how to believe and support from within. In the yesterdays, our words held all that should be with our children but as they move forth in seeking their own independence and acceptance, that influence becomes one that others can and do control; sometimes in secret and sometimes publicly. Over the years as I have listened to addicts and non-addicts speak about their feelings on addiction, substances and life, I noticed that while everyone used similar words, those comments did not express the same things from the inside to the outside for each person. The definitions of words merely describes the universal understanding of them but when they are conveyed by the user, they carry the weight of the world as perceived by that person. When we listen to others, we can either discern a connection with them or we can feel disassociated from them; even within the same family. Everyone on the circles of heavell has the ability to lift up or to destroy others as well as ourselves through the comprehension of those individual emotional definitions. Tricks are not just for drugs but also live in the failure to be aware of the value of feelings within ourselves and others. We are each the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change each part of ourselves in order to be whole; but not if we deny or devalue any piece of our circle or those that are outside of us. People, places, things, substances and BLAH help us to either run from, cope with or find the justification in our feelings; sometimes to the detriment of ourselves and others. Please stand by as we are all in need of repair.
There were two children who each had a bouncy ball at their individual homes. The first one played with his or her ball everyday and loved it as a favorite toy. The second child had no attachment to his or her ball. That child went over to the home of the initial one and saw the favorite ball on the ground. While walking to the front door, the second child kicked that ball so hard it had burst. The first one then came out and proceeded to yell at the other one for having destroyed his or her favorite toy. Each of those children had their own emotional definition pertaining to that toy that was based on the feelings that had been created through their own experiences with bouncy balls; rather than just knowing the dictionary definition of the word. While it can be said that the second child should not have kicked that bouncy ball hard enough to burst it when it was not his or hers to do so with, that was only a part of what was said and not said between the two children. Through the second child’s action, the initial child felt he or she had been devalued by the loss of that favorite toy. Because of his or her own indifference towards the object, the second child was not able to perceive of what the first one had expressed. A moment can carry so much more on the inside then can necessarily be perceived on the outside or even in the appearances of things for each individual that is involved.
How I feel based upon my life experiences is important to me but that is not necessarily the real truth for anyone else including those within my family. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others? In theirs to you as well as themselves? Do they contain the green truth, the real truth or even lies? Do you feel validated or devalued or somewhere in between? I have found that when I express my pain, those that have also felt a similar pain will connect with me but that it is not the automatic response of those who have not. If the ones who have had a role in my pain, do not grasp my feelings, the situation becomes even more complicated; just like the story of those two children and the value of bouncy balls as it pertains to each of them. It is not easy for others to connect with what is on the inside of ourselves that we express on the outside; regardless of being an addict or not. Words are just words but within them is the story of each us where only our hearts truly know of all that has been. The mirror holds the real truth about what has happened to us, what we have done as well to others, and the feelings that have been created through all of it. The yesterdays will always be and as such we must look at them in order to not repeat them today or even in the tomorrows. Ryan has said that all addicts and non-addicts need a place to just be, on the inside and the outside, rather than a place to un-be through justification, denial, substances, people, things or BLAH. Take the hands of courage and fear while breathing in brave and hold on because it is possible to find beauty while in hell. Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine because words are merely just words and not necessarily the real truth of what is on the inside.
There are times when we need the support of those who grasp our feelings and all that they hold as it pertains to being the friends and the families of addicts. One such group is @theaddictally on Instagram or wethevillage.co where you can not only find answers and support from professionals but also those who are or have lived through the hell of addiction. You will also be able to provide your valuable knowledge to those who are: new to dealing with addiction, caught in a cycle that needs a different perspective or in need of the understanding that can be found in the beauty of encouragement from those who can perceive of us.
To Chad: Three years have passed since you left this world even though it feels as if we just saw you yesterday. You will always be one of our dreams because you are a part of what makes us whole on our circle of heavell. Love you and miss you yesterday, today and into the tomorrows.
The similarities that can be found within addiction leads us to group together those who become addicts and yet in doing so, we fail to seek out the individualism that is necessary in order to find sobriety for each person; based upon his or her personal circle of heavell. I was reminded today that common sense plays a role in how we should approach addiction as well as each independent addict. That sage advice came from a retired narcotics officer who spent many, many years battling the gritty trail of drug transportation and sales in Texas as well as several other states. He told me that with each arrest, he perceived of the person before him as an individual with his or her own potential to be heaven or hell rather than being all the same type. This officer strove to find the balance in each of those moments and often found beauty by maintaining that composure. He still had to enforce the laws but within his actions he was able to use his judgement to de-escalate situations; resulting in those who were being arrested reciprocating in the same manner. Every day we place our judgement on others by deciding how they feel or should feel and then we act/react based upon our perceptions. Those behaviors then can and do perpetuate the very things that we are trying to prevent or even stop. I have to imagine that the demeanor of this retired officer allowed those people, at least for a moment, to acknowledge their hell; giving rise to the possibility of their pulling their own weeds, eventually. How do you feel about anything and everything? What is in the words that you speak to yourself and to others? Can you listen without breathing in the words of others into your heart?
As much as I had needed the connection, the understanding, that can be found within the group of parents of addicts, I was also in need of being seen for myself. My story is completely unique in my life although there are certainly similarities that I share with all the other parents of addicts. Whether you are an addict or the loved one of an addict, your specific emotional definitions lead you to hear what you hear, to feel what you feel and then to how you choose to behave. Regardless of any semblances, the perspective of your pain and feelings can only be found within your heart and thus must be dealt within you by you. Ryan and I had differing views in regards to addiction and the hell that it entails. Those substances, after all, had brought a cathartic relief for him by hiding the traumas and the inadequate parts, while helping him to cope; even though overtime that solace required more substances in order to achieve that same comfort. It was important that he gave a voice to what those substances did for him and why he felt he needed that. By my listening to his position without the apples known as judgement and denial or with the need to control, Ryan was able to hear himself. I am not the one who fell into hell nor am I the one who chose to cope through the use of substances. Therefore it is not my feelings that hold the power in the prevention of substance abuse or addiction nor in the finding of sobriety and then the maintaining of it. Our words do carry the ability to lift up and or destroy others but once an individual has begun hiding his or her parts for whatever reason, that person must be the one to seek them out in order to become whole. What is on the inside will be expressed on the outside; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly despite the feelings of others.
Unfortunately I am again aware of several teenagers who are using substances while at school despite teachers, parents and the administration being present or at least nearby. Teenagers begin the process of controlling what they can control in their lives; especially considering the pressures that they face and feel. Those actions often entail breaking rules as they seek their independence through their own decisions; rather than those of controlling adults. How many of those teens have participated in a drug program and or heard “just say no” or “don’t do drugs” from adults, including their own parents? How many future, current and former users have also done so and or heard those same words? How many of them will continue to cope through substances and become our future addicts? How many of them are completely aware of how their parents or others feel about anything and everything but are hiding their own? Using substances in order to cope, which enables the hiding of parts, feelings and traumas, is an incredibly complicated matter that has not been solved by telling anyone to “not use them” or to “stop using them” or by pointing out the potential harm that may befall them. If it were that simple my son would not have become an addict nor would anyone else’s loved one. We cannot ask others, especially teens, to value our feelings over their own regardless of the knowledge and or the experience that we have. Our words no longer carry all that should be; as they had in the yesterdays. It is their words or lack there of that matters now as well as the ones spoken by those that they need to be perceived by. The path of least resistance and ultimately the most successful one, encompasses the listening to and valuing of others’ thoughts and feelings. Common sense then would seem that If we want to prevent the fall of any more angels, we should ask them what they need from us and how they feel about anything and everything; rather then tell those who are seeking independence what they must do. We are all the perfect people to accept, change, love or hate every part of ourselves but never to deny or hide any of those parts. Pick your own weeds and listen so that hopefully others, especially our dreams, will follow. Sadly, if we continue to behave today as we did yesterday, we will see you soon future addicts because every day we do the same thing while expecting a different outcome.
To Ricky: It was an honor for Taylor and I to meet you. Thank you for sharing your stories that were tinged with humor and wisdom. Thank you for your common sense service of 39 years. I hope you will write that book and if you do, I will buy the first copy. Stay safe out there.
If I were you, what would I see in the mirror? Would I find beauty, hell, a non-believer, an illusion, a mix of things or BLAH looking back at me? How do you surmise what others see of you? Would any or all of it be the green truth, the real truth or lies? People, places and things make up our world of everything and anything that encourages us to view what is in the mirror through the eyes of others rather than ourselves. What you think you see, influenced by others, then becomes what you believe of yourself; even if it only contains some of the parts of your circle of heavell. That recognition, which is found within our hearts, will then be expressed on the outside in heavenly and or hellish ways; further reducing the rest of the pieces of ourselves. We then project that same behavior onto others as if they are merely a part or only some parts. It was hard to accept Ryan’s addiction as being a segment of him because I wanted to only acknowledge the yesterdays. For others, it was as if his past had never existed once he developed the habit of using substances. Together we were all in denial over who he was as well as who he had become. The real truth was that he had always been a full circle of heavell but with only some of his parts being expressed on the outside. Often when we speak about our addict loved one, we will talk about only some of the segments of that person. We are also able to easily speak of the harm and the fear that has befallen ourselves as substance abuse became the life of our loved one. Those descriptions however are limited in the view of all that has been for that addict as well as what his or her coping capabilities have been through out life. What we believe to be heaven and or hell, or parts there of, is often not the same as the dependent individual. If our concepts are not equivalent about these things, then it would seem that the most important perceptions would be that of addicts since it is they who fell into hell. No one plans on becoming an addict or even raising one for that matter and yet it happens every day because of the circle of heavell within an individual as well as the ones on the outside. People, places, things, the snake, substances, the apples and the BLAH thrive on the withering, hiding and ignoring of some parts rather than the equal treatment of all of them. We are each so many things in life and the knowledge of the everything and the anything is needed in order to help the addict individual as well as ourselves become whole. If I were you then, I would say that I am what?
Problems, the pain and the perspective of them is relative to those who are living them as well as carrying them in their hearts. Through our point of view, we then become believers and non-believers depending on the situation(s) and our role. Addiction suits the apple of justification by the focusing on that part of an individual as being all that they are, were or will ever be despite that being a green truth. Hell is never far away in the minds of addicts nor non-addicts because it has occurred throughout so many yesterdays, it may occur today and or it could occur in the tomorrows. It seemed as if every time I thought we had this, that Ryan had this, the real truth would come to the front and we would be back at the start with a relapse. I believe there were times that those setbacks occurred because the fear of them and the proof of them became something I breathed so deeply into my heart; that which is on the inside will be expressed on the outside. The wounds of traumas can heal with hope and bravery but fester if they are opened again and again in hell. Both Ryan and I can say that neither of us were sorry for how we coped at the time with the knowledge that we had in those yesterdays. Habits, behaviors, emotional definitions, traumas, coping and BLAH are incredibly hard to become aware of, let alone change and heal, whether you are an addict or not. I had found that he reacted to life repeatedly in the same manner and that I had as well. By behaving today, as we had yesterday, as we were likely to tomorrow, we both got exactly the same thing despite expecting something different. Neither of us viewed or felt the same about his addiction or how it came to be which created an imbalance in the circle of heavell of recovery. His perception was detrimental to him and as such he needed me to be aware of him in order for him to hear me. I had to recognize all that had been, including the “f” stages, in order to find beauty in hell but more importantly to lead the way for Ryan to do the same. It is hard to hold on to what was, the yesterdays, while expecting or hoping to move forward into the tomorrows. I am not the same person that I had been in the past even though it is a part of the foundation of how I came to be; while holding the hand of fear as well as that of courage. Ryan is also not the same individual as he continues to discover, lets go of, or adds as he goes through all the stages of finding his beauty. When you look in the mirror, it shows you both the heaven and the hell of every moment. What you see and then say to yourself is what you become. What is felt on the inside will be expressed on the outside and also shared with others. Yesterday belongs only as merely a part and not as the sole definer of the only thing you have been or will be. The future holds the possibility of adding to your personal circle of heavell but today you are the perfect person to love all of you. If I were you, I would say that I am what in heaven? In hell? Pick your own weeds and water your own flowers so that the balance is found in your whole and beauty is wherever you are. Hell will never be that far away but neither will heaven because we are a circle of heavell. As you go through, the anything and the everything, you have the ability to use time to heal the bitter moments and to breathe in the parts that have been lost, forgotten or denied. Wherever you go and whatever you do you will always just be, so what will you do with the knowledge of you found on the inside and expressed on the outside?
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