Beauty has always been said to be in the eye of the beholder. The same then can be said of pain as it is carried in the heart of the beholder; who must endure it whether it is detected by those who are on the outside or not. Because of our personal emotional definitions, we view people, places and things differently, making it hard to understand what others see and feel; whether an addict or not. Our perspective can create barriers that makes it difficult to communicate with the people on our circles of heavell and those that are beyond them. Beauty, happiness, pain, problems or BLAH are relative to the person that is experiencing them and as such can carry the weight of the world for that person. Mixed in with those emotional definitions is also the normalcies that are present in each of us that have been created by the various circles of heavell in our lives. Join all of that with what our ability to cope is and the individual who has it all has been assembled. What is in your words is specific to you which means that others might not grasp those words in the manner that you intend. It also does not carry the promise of the recognition of your attachments to those words particularly if they express something else to others. I had wanted Ryan to just stop doing drugs once I was aware that he was using them. They were not the way I would have chosen to deal with all that had been in my life but I am not Ryan. I assumed that he would just do as I had said or just be as I had said; a belief that had grown from the power that my words once held as well as an expression of what I wanted. He had, however, become a person who carried things in his heart that I was not aware of nor connected to in the same manner. With each passing day, we add experiences and feelings to what has occurred in the yesterdays while leaving room for the future inclusions of what will be in the tomorrows. That development encompasses the sprouting of weeds as well as flowers which requires adjustments and improvements from within ourselves as well as for others. If we do not feel the same about BLAH, then being understood as well as being able to fathom others, becomes a daunting task. The definitions of words are easy enough for everyone to learn but located within the conveying of them is a vast array of feelings that belong to each individual; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly. The emotions on the inside can and will be expressed on the outside but especially if we suffer from parts that are obscured. If I were you, what would I feel about anything and everything? If I were you, what parts would I need to seek in order to be whole?
For every piece of heaven there is an equal piece of hell; with the perspective of which one is the certainty being determined by the one who is experiencing it, viewing it or speaking of it. Someone I have known for many years pointed out that we are not the same people that we were when we were teens. I suspect her reference was to the fact that she did not like me back in the yesterdays. Her judgement of me had been produced from the emotional definitions located within her heart. Hidden, though, within that discernment was the reality that she was viewing only some of the parts of me rather than my whole. We tend to focus on the hell of others, or at times just the heavens, as if that is all that they are; despite that being a green truth. The real truth is that it is impossible to be, know, love or hate anyone, including ourselves, through only some of the parts. We are a circle of heavell and as such we must treat the heavens and the hells located within each of us in a comparable manner; otherwise parts will be hidden, lost, minimalized, never developed or focused upon as the sole definer. What that person had to say of me in those yesterdays carried the possibilities of trauma, the influencing of others or BLAH because people believe the things that we insinuate whether they are the green truth, the real truth or even made up of lies. The intentions behind the words that we say also plays a role as each of us has the ability to lift up others or to destroy them as well as ourselves. It is always easier to see what is in front of us than it is to turn and look in the mirror; where the view of what we say and do bears the realities of those actions. That mirror also holds within it the ability for us to learn from the words of others while not breathing them in to our hearts. In a life where we truly have it all, the focusing on or building of only some of the parts, leaves everyone in a position of imbalance. If hell is what is felt, it will consume and grow while forcing heaven into the smallest position that is possible. Substances, people, places, things, the snake, the non-believers, the apples or the BLAH thrive on the development of some of our pieces and the withering of others. If I were you, what would I know about the people on your circles of heavell? If I were you, what would be in my words that I say to myself and to others? If I were you, what would I see in the mirror?
To that someone: Yesterday cannot be undone but today holds all the possibilities of the understanding of how we came to be; constructed by what we went through as well as expounded by our personal emotional definitions. The heaven and the hell of it is that your perception of me did not change who I was at the time. May we both continue to look in the mirror and become better from our words to ourselves, to others and from those that are spoken to and of us. If we were the same today as we were in those yesterdays…we would not be talking. See you soon.
The everything and anything that we feel about each part of our personal circle of heavell is breathed deeply into our hearts; the details of which cannot be seen by others no matter what appears on the outside of us. At times those beliefs can carry the weight of the world as we look in the mirror and only see the hell of ourselves. We then hide those feelings and parts through smiles, laughter, appearances, anger, substance abuse or BLAH. I can remember the first counselor that worked with Ryan who had told me that I could not hand Ryan his belief in himself no matter how much I wanted to. That statement had been a challenge to me and my response was, “Have you met me? Of course I can!”. The real truth was that I had already been a piece of the creation of the opinions that Ryan held to be true in his heart about himself. What is in your words to yourself and to others is important because it can position your feelings as being more important or less than someone else’s; giving rise to the lifting up or the destroying of others as well as ourselves. The complication is that everyone on the family circle, the friend circle and the larger other circle all carry those same abilities to some degree. If we imply to others that our beliefs are better or more important than their’s are, we are a part of the traumas whether we are aware of them or not. While it is important for us to speak of our feelings to our fallen angels, it is equally important that they speak of theirs to us; especially of the hell. It is easy to love and be happy or appear to be when people, places and things are uncomplicated but that is not the real truth in life. Hell will never be that far away and as such it is our ability to face it, as well as appropriately cope with it, that determines the fate of ourselves and our relationships. In order to be whole, we have to treat the heavens and the hells in an equal manner; we as well as life are made up of both. I recently had the opportunity to read a letter that I had written many, many years ago as a teen to my mother. It contained my words of frustration that were based upon my very personal emotional definitions. I can only imagine what she must have thought as she read that letter because in it was my implication that she was the “f” word. By focusing on her failings, I was able to deny or justify mine which helped to create a cycle of “it’s your fault not mine” that took years to overcome. My expectation had been that she needed to hear me and then adapt how she handled things to my liking. She was for her part waiting on my acceptance of her words just as I had done as a child. Both of us felt unheard and as such we were determined that the other person would become what we wanted and needed. I have wasted a lot of time, as well as having incurred more pain, as I anticipated the receiving of my words and the adjustment of everyone else. People often believe the hell we say to them and of them especially when we put our feelings over theirs. That counselor was only partly correct in his assessment that I could not hand Ryan his belief in himself. I had been a piece of the formation of the original thoughts and I was capable of being a part of his acceptance of his feelings that would need to incorporate yesterday, today and the possibilities of tomorrow; his full circle of heavell. In order to make that happen, I had to recognize that if I wanted there to be change, it would need to start with me. In order to be heard, I was going to have to hear all that needed to be said. Every step is an opportunity for each of us to discover the real truth of our actions and feelings by looking in the mirror; whether an addict or not. Having expectations of others while justifying ourselves creates a cycle that does not lead to the lifting up of anyone on our circles of heavell. We cannot change this as long as we are only focused on what others need to do rather than on what we all can do separately as well as together. Today holds the hope that by my picking my own weeds, others will choose to do so as well. Find every heaven and hell in your heart and embrace them equally while breathing in brave. You are the perfect person to change this because you have it all whether you want it or not. Beauty is not found in illusions of perfection but by holding the hands of courage and fear as you step towards the understanding of your circle of heavell. Transformation begins with what you find within your heart; love, hate, accept and change every part but never deny nor justify any of them. What will you do with the knowledge of you and the effects it has on you as well as others? Please stand by because we are all in need of repair.
To my mom: Thank you for the lessons, for being the “f” word, and for always loving me. Thank you for your sense of humor as you pointed at me and said “I told you it’s your fault not mine” with a smile and a twinkle in your eyes. I have never laughed nor cried so hard as I did that day. Our hell together has helped me to become a better person. A part of me will never be the same without you and that’s okay because you are never really that far away. Hope lives on with other people; especially my children. My love carries you in my heart and the memories of you fill the void left by your passing.
With each passing moment, day, month and year, we conform to what is happening to us, around us and within us; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly. It is impossible to know everything about everyone unless we are with them every single instant whilst feeling the precise emotional definitions. That in itself is an unfeasibility as we are each the only one that came together as we did while facing and experiencing all that has occurred in our lives. It makes each of us the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of ourselves. We have the ability to empathize with others, whether having gone through or not the exact same things, by recognizing the similarities of the challenges, the pain, the anger and even the love. Also found within each of us is the judgement of others when we determine, via our personal focus, how others should deal or should have dealt with the incidences of life. We then use that judgement to deny or minimize our roles as having a part in the outcome of others. The green truths and the real truths of addiction can separate fathers and mothers, family members, addicts and non-addicts into the groups that understand those personal emotional definitions. It has the ability to cause a single tree to fall but it also carries the resounding impact that can result in the whole forest being brought down. We do not have to be the direct cause of a trauma in order to be a part of the effect of it. It matters what’s in our words but it also matters what’s in our dreams’ words; and whether we are able to hear them or not. Do you know how the people in your life feel about anything and everything? Unheard words, filled with our emotional definitions, fuels the need to be perceived by others; leading to that vulnerability that can be detrimental to ourselves. It really isn’t significant if someone is an athlete, a student, an actor, a parent, a dream, a real life princess, an expert or a BLAH. It is important however what each of us feels and then how we cope with that knowledge. It also matters how the people in our lives react to our feelings. Knowing and accepting our feelings for their validity helps us to embrace our whole personal circle of heavell. It enables our ability to process through and release their control of us rather than breathing in the hell of them. The hiding, ignoring or removing of any parts creates heavenly expectations that are unable to help us find beauty where it is needed most. The beliefs of each of us speaks of the effects and interpretations that occur in our hearts, minds and souls of all that has been. It does not make them the truth nor does it make them lies. Being aware of our own and those of others makes it easier for us to communicate and support our circles of heavell which reduces that vulnerability. How do you feel when your feelings are ignored, devalued or over-ridden? What do you need from others? What do you need from yourself?
No matter what, none of us can undo what has been done because yesterday will always be a part of what makes each one of us who we are. Life is a mixture of both heaven and hell throughout the moments, the extended periods of time and includes all of the people we encounter, keep or lose along the way. Because we have it all, we cannot ignore, hide or choose only some of the parts of ourselves or in life. For my friends who have forever lost their dreams due to addiction, hell will always be the keeper of their fallen angels as well as a part of themselves. They will hold the hand of courage and the hand of sorrow as they breathe in brave each and every day while searching for that elusive beauty of hell. Hope will remain in the memories but will not see the light of day again for those dreams. Those parents will go on because life expects that of them and their families need them to as well. Their ability to do so is based upon the effects of each event within their hearts, minds and souls as well as the influence of others. What they do with all that knowledge within them has the capabilities of lifting up or bringing down a tree or the whole forest. Those dreams were and will always be an important part of them despite their absence in this world because the impact of yesterday will always carry forth into tomorrow. They are a part of the personal circle of heavell within each of those parents and as such cannot be ignored, devalued, or removed from being a valuable contributor to their lives in heaven as well as hell. The consciousness of those parents from having felt so deeply in their souls makes them warriors in this world as they belong to a group no one ever desires to be a part of. Ryan has been at death’s door on three occasions. During each of those events, the worst case scenarios played out that brought death as close as possible without actually becoming the final outcome. Those traumas wracked my soul with such pain that left me unable to breathe, filled me with fear and also contained moments of such intense sobbing that it shook my whole body. No one understands me better than the parents of forever lost dreams and yet I stand just outside of their group as mine is still here. I have needed their perceptions of me in order to process through the intensity of those traumas. The last two events involved catastrophic health problems resulting from his prior drug use. We will continue to work through all that has become because tomorrow is not a promise of life that we can take lightly even though hope keeps them coming. Pick your own weeds and see who follows. Find the beauty in heaven but more importantly locate the one in hell. Plant the flowers of empathy and communication for yourself as well as others. We have all been in need of repair because of those hidden, ignored, devalued or missing parts. No matter what, they will never be that far away so we might as well look in the mirror and learn to just be.
When dreams are little, our words carry all that should be because we are the most important people in their lives. At some point, who they are and what they do is influenced by other dreams; as their need to be perceived by others leaves them vulnerable. That transition then can produce a feeling of frustration and even uncertainty as the relationship changes through the shift of power. Those angels who had never lied or did things that could place them at risk for being harmed, begin taking chances and or following others while not really knowing the possibilities of all that may happen. Despite the change, we speak and listen in the same manner that we always have while wondering why yesterday is not working today but hopeful that tomorrow will bring the return of what had been. It’s as if we want to return to a time when our words carried all that should be even though that became an impossibility once they began to listen to others. We are a part of how angels fall by leading them to feel that they are misconceived by us; making the perceptions of their peers even more valuable. If we want our dreams to continue to hear us, it would then make sense for us to learn to adjust by discovering what is in our words that we speak to ourselves and to others; rather than to continue with the same behaviors while expecting a different outcome. In all of our relationships, we ourselves desire to be perceived for who we are as well as for what we feel about anything and everything. Knowing what part you have in the fall or the success of any and all moments in relationships, our lives, is not about feeling responsible for the choices of others. It is about taking the power of what we can control back into our hands regardless of those decisions or the outcome of them. If you or someone else, addict or not, is the only one who needs to change, to learn, the likelihood is that the situation will never truly alter for the better; resulting in the relapses of behaviors. I always felt so incapable during those years of drug use by Ryan because I had wanted him to “just do as I had said”. The real truth was that if that had been a possibility, we would have never stepped on that trail in hell to begin with. The cycle of repeating my demands, pleadings or even threats with him was completely frustrating, bordered on being insane and was fueled by my fear. When we feel things that are not acknowledged by others, we experience the loss of validation that we need that can and does flow into other parts. When behaviors don’t change, or only do so temporarily, we can lose the hope that we carry in our hearts as we face the real truth. Yesterday will always be but it should never become today or tomorrow because in it is where the anything and the everything can be found that led to the beginning of addiction.
I am not the same person that I was before all of this had started. I never will be and I never want to be that person again. However that me will always be a part of yesterday; having played a roll in the anything and the everything that has lead to who I am today. I have been effected and altered by multiple traumas, some small and some big, before and after the discovery of Ryan’s addiction. One of the greatest and worst things ever said to me was by a person who had witnessed a childhood trauma of mine. When we first encountered each other, that person communicated to me that he or she had worried for years about whether or not I was okay from that incident. Also relayed to me at that time was how that trauma had effected that individual’s life. It would have never occurred to me that anyone other than myself had been affected that day if that person had not mentioned it. Our actions, reactions and emotional definitions effect other people in ways that we are rarely aware of until they say so or show us so. Even then, we often deny the weight of them. That was an eye opening experience that reminded me that what may seem small to us or even as not a problem, can be a huge difficulty for someone else. I reassured that person that despite what had transpired, I was okay after that event. I was left wondering, though, if that individual was aware that it was really he or she that had suffered the greatest and not I. That individual was simply a bystander and yet that moment carried pain well into the future. In what way, if any, was that person’s life altered after that moment? It matters that I was a part of that trauma regardless of whether it was of my choosing or not, my intention or not, my fault or not. It is a part of me and that individual that will remain because yesterday will always be. Each moment is important, whether big or small, but especially if someone’s life is effected; due to actions or reactions or emotional definitions from outside of his or her own personal circle of heavell. The choice is theirs but the influence is ours. What’s in your words? How do you feel about anything and everything?
As I began to learn to speak without biting from the apples known as justification and denial, hell was unleashed upon me by several individuals. For some, the picking of one’s own weeds is a sign of weakness. Or perhaps it had granted them the freedom to say “I knew it was all your fault!” so that their illusions of perfection could remain intact. At times I almost returned to the behaviors of yesterday due to those challenges. They were also the actions that I was familiar with and I found it easier to turn towards them when under duress; not unlike an addict. There were many moments of fear as courage seemed to be hiding at the points that I needed it most. It has however been absolutely awakening to discover the things that I am responsible for, what I am able to learn and then subsequently change. I was able to take the deepest breath of brave that I have ever felt when I made the announcement that I was the “f” word. I have carried hope in my hand with each step that I have taken forward as well as during those awkward, backward ones. Any appearance of perfection has all but faded away from my reflection. That mirror, that I hated so much in the beginning for its real truth, is something I look forward to now as it is my guide in hell. It is where my beauty was found. I am the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of me so that I may just be. The mistakes, the traumas and the moments of yesterday should be learned from and not repeated. They are not to be carried in our hearts so that they flow into other parts and alter or stop who we are; preventing us from being whole. Please stand by because the possibilities of hope lays in each and every one of us. A tree may have brought down the forest but a tree can also lift up a whole forest. Pick your own weeds and see who follows by picking theirs.
Promises are made that give rise to expectations that can at times never truly see the light of day. Whether the collapse of those failed assurances is because they were actually lies or whether they were filled with the possibilities that just couldn’t be, the results is the same in the hearts of those who wait for their fruition. The non-fulfillment of each of those commitments can bring the loss of hope until the next time when a new vow is made. With the discovery of each crushing blow, devastation that reaches to the core can make it impossible to breathe and anger can consume those who are faced with the disbelief of the real truth. They lead to the thought process that addicts will say and do anything in order to achieve whatever is necessary to obtain and then consume the object of their desires. Tricks are not just for substances but are for people, places and things. Our hope fuels every action taken that tomorrow will not be the same as today because we need it nay want it so very much; not unlike an addict wanting a substance. Ashlee told me recently that she can handle the loss of hope that occurs in the relapses of addiction as long as it’s not a surprise. If we know that relapses are a part of addiction, then the revelation of that deterioration is an expectation we just hope will never become the reality. The depletion of our yearnings has the ability to affect everyone on the circle of heavell as one part fails, a domino effect can occur for the remaining ones. The cycle of both dreaming of dreams and feeling fear because of those dreams becomes a trauma in that it lifts up and then stomps out our breath. Hope can seem foolish when reality speaks the truth the loudest but it is also where we find the beauty by breathing in brave. Whether an addict or not, hope is where we take the hand of courage as well that of fear and step forward in hell. Every glimpse of my poster child brought the reminder of what was, not as a prompting of all that had been lost but of that which must be found. How is it possible to survive the cycle of the promise of hope and the reality of devastation? Is hope, in part, the beautiful form of denial? There is only so much that a heart can take before hope is pushed down so deep inside that it is possible that it may never see the light of day again. Time then becomes another false promise in the face of relapse because it cannot ensure sobriety nor can it guarantee healing from the traumas.
Spending time with the children of addicts has brought an understanding of the highest level of devastation that results from the need and the love of substances, people, places, things or BLAH that wasn’t as clear for me prior to that. I was obviously aware of some of the affects because of my ex-husband but since his visits were sporadic, it had not carried the weight for me that it had actually deserved. I have a greater appreciation for the resilience of children as they breathe in hope with the magnitude of all that is possible; fed by their ability to love and to forgive despite devastation. With all the chaos that ensued from Ryan’s addiction, I had never noticed how much distress Ashlee had been in. In fact I had needed her to be my partner in trying to save Ryan rather than a person who was surviving being a wreckage herself. Today when she speaks of her father or her brother, her voice is as soft as it was when she was young and as fierce as the warrior that she has become through her time in hell. She is able to hold hope in her hand after having lost it when it was used to fill in the gaping wounds in her soul. When hopes have been dashed so many times over the course of a life, it can be hard not to feel foolish for even believing that tomorrow could ever be better than it has been today. I think of that young woman I met in Denver whose entire family are addicts and yet she is not. She is one of the beacons of hope that every angel does not fall just because of the traumas in their life or because of the normalcy of them. Her voice carried the acceptance of what has been done can never be undone with the easiness that is felt when determination keeps hope alive. Both Ashlee and this young woman convey the wreckage of addiction that has occurred in their lives through failure and conviction. Neither has held every moment perfectly but each has stood despite the challenges. They are each the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part of their personal circle of heavell in order to be whole. Yesterday will always be and if they were to deny any of those parts, hope might not ever see the light of day which in itself would be a tragedy.
I can remember desperately trying to maintain hope despite the realities of Ryan as well as the influence of the non-believers. Without holding on to it, I would have given up a long time ago on him. It is easy to maintain faith when things are going as we wish but it is in hell where we learn to cope well by breathing in brave. I have felt such pain during all of this that it was impossible for me to stand; let alone even step forward in hell. Through all of this, my children have maintained hope in my abilities to stand and face the hell with the determination that yesterday will not be repeated today. I am and have been the “f” word. While we cannot give addicts their will to do this differently, we do carry the beacon in our hands that can and does lead the way. We are powerful enough to effect everyone on the circle of heavell by lifting up or destroying them as well as ourselves. It is possible to carry hope in our hearts while knowing what the real truth is; especially as it pertains to addiction. I no longer dream of Ryan or his father getting out of hell. My wish is that each of them are able to find beauty there so that each may be able to remain standing. They need to know how they feel about anything and everything because it is their emotional definitions that will help them to cope.The hard part in life is to love others knowing that they may fail to love themselves and in turn be unable to love us in the manner that we yearn for. Every dream matters whether they are here or not. Please stand by because hope makes heaven a possibility in hell.
To my Ashlee: Thank you for all that you are and all that you have been. You are my unsung hero. When you breathe, I breathe. I love you doll.
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