What does being brave mean to you? Often we feel that the people who have that quality are the ones who are rescuers or enforcers, or are people who go above and beyond or perhaps are even self-less. We believe that the bold do what they do because they are strong physically, emotionally and mentally. Those things are true but they are also a green truth. Some moments of bravery lay in the day an addict decides not to use a substance any more or a parent decides to send their teen away to rehab despite that teen’s pleadings not to. The simple act of not acting can also be bravery as long as excuses or justification are not a part of it. I have been immobile from fear to the point of being on my knees during a lot of the years of Ryan’s drug use. I have also had a few moments of incredible bravery that I reached deep inside to find; like when I had Ryan forcefully taken away to rehab or when I planned to turn off his ventilator. For some people, daring is found in the simple act of getting up each day or in walking into a classroom full of people. It is also found in those who step forward despite having stepped back the day before. Being brave does not mean that you have all of the answers nor all of the strength that is required to do or to overcome something. It means that at some point you stand and step forward for however long you are able to in whatever manner you are able to; sometimes while holding the hand of fear. That fortitude is expressed in the word no as well as the word yes. It can be found in not knowing what to do today with the belief that it will be solved in the future. It is formed in the ability to love, hate, accept or change each part of our personal circle of heavell. That strength is also shown when we recognize the effect that our actions have had on others and not just theirs on us. Courage is found in the smallest of moments as well as the biggest ones no matter who you are or what you have done or have survived. It takes grit to choose to not continue to behave today as you did yesterday. Heart lies in the traumas, the failings, the mistakes, and the losses. Beauty is not just in the places that you fit in but can also be discovered where you don’t. It is, however, never found in comparison nor competition because those are the friends of the apples known as denial, justification and excuses. Bravery lives in you and breathes when you do but sometimes it’s hard to remember how to do that.
Hell can bring the bravest to their knees because it loves everyone equally even if some appear to be there longer than others. Past or current traumas, no matter the size, can fracture us to the point that we may be surviving while not coping well. Being lost at times is a part of life, especially when things do not go as planned. It was not my plan for Ryan to become an addict nor was it his but here we are. It was not Ashlee’s plan to grow up with an addict as her father and ultimately an addict as her brother nor to make sacrifices in order to help both of them. It was not Taylor’s plan to have her brother’s addiction effect her life nor to suffer an illness that would alter her life but they both did. When people, places and things bring shadows or even darkness into our lives, it is easy to be angry and or unable to move forth; sometimes in secret and sometimes for long periods of time. It is not just our traumas but the pain of others, that once shared, that can damage us as well. Addicts and non-addicts both fail to manage well through challenges while using denial or justification to continue existing. The chains that bind us can and do bind others whether we realize it or not and even if that was not our intent. We know how to long for, enjoy and love heaven as we believe happiness is found only there. We have, however, failed to develop a relationship with hell even though it is an intimate part of the circle of heavell that we all reside in. That what doesn’t kill us still breaks us but it need not be the sole definer of us. Hiding it will not remove it from being a part of the circle nor will lying about its existence even with the help of justification. You can run but the mirror will find you because your little boxes of feelings are what make you the only you. Love, hate, accept and change all those parts of you. Know that beauty reflects both light and dark because it is as much a part of hell as it is of heaven. We already have it all but we don’t actually know what to do with the parts that are not the happy ones. Bravery lives in you so take your time breathing until you are able to bear one step. This is not a competition but a crusade to embrace all of you perhaps today, or tomorrow or in the future. You will find us in hell holding the hand of courage as well as fear while being perfectly, irritatingly, messy people but never illusions of perfection. We are not brave every day but have been in moments that ultimately led to our standing. Be kind to you for you are the perfect person to accept and love all of you.
Last week I met an amazing young man named Trevor Garroutte whose purpose had been laid out with each step moving towards the happiness that he desired. Then life brought hell in the discovery of a blood disorder and a cancer that would end his purpose forever besides having the ability to kill him; he had already survived being a medic for the military in Iraq. With bravery he faced his illness and won but in that hell he lost his way because he no longer knew what to do or who to be. He spiraled into homelessness for sometime. He eventually returned to his family but found he was merely existing while searching for a job. Knowing he would never find himself if he didn’t break the chains, he decided to embark on a walk across the United States that started in California and ended in South Carolina. In his book titled “Stomping In Puddles”, he details that which broke him as well as helped him to find his way back. This book is a remarkable and raw reflection of Trevor and yet so relatable for any of us. We can understand the trauma, the pain, the loneliness and being unable to breathe as well as the feeling of making it through one day at a time. The book is available on Amazon for $15.00. Trevor is a veteran, a cancer survivor, a writer, and a speaker who found beauty in hell.
What we choose to do today, just as we did yesterday, will be reflected in the future; sometimes with long term consequences. I often watch how parents behave with their children and while they are only seen in moments, it is apparent that they are actually patterns. I wish I could tell you that I have only had moments but then I would be telling you a green truth. There has been a great period or pattern of time in my life where I was completely unaware that I was expecting my children to do as I said not as I did. I have behaved in ways that were less than which led to ramifications in the future that were not limited to just Ryan’s addiction. I was able to justify my actions and reactions, at the time, as being only moments because it was always someone else’s fault but never mine. Those moments became patterns in our lives that we shared with each other. We do not have to be an addict in order to be fallen. We just have to fail to cope well while leading others, especially dreams, to do the same. Addicts and non-addicts are really the same type of people as each of us justifies, denies and excuses our behaviors even though it is not in our best interest to do so. We each have the ability to lift up or destroy others, including ourselves, but we are often only aware of what happens to us rather than what we have also done. I am painfully aware of those patterns because I have lived and breathed them. That friend of the snake, known as denial, really wasn’t my friend after all. It took more and more bites of that apple to not deal with the real truth; just like an addict using a substance. How can I believe in myself if I am only some of my parts rather than all of them? How can anyone find the belief in his or her self while knowing that some parts must be hidden just like secrets?
There are times when I have felt fear as I have watched parents actually encouraging their dreams to use a substance, particularly alcohol, in order to “have fun”. I have to imagine that there have been people who felt that way about me as they watched me being in denial of what was happening with Ryan all those years back. First, let me say that addiction is still addiction; legal substances are not more justifiable than illegal ones. Secondly, no one knows if they will became an addict until they use something so even if you are not an addict, or are in denial that you are, that does not mean that others won’t become one. We lead angels to where they fall while not realizing they may not survive theirs even if we have endured ours. Third is that fractured people are open to the use of substances, or things, as well as the following of others in order to cope, avoid pain or to fit in. Each of us has our own personal emotional definitions that have been created by our lives while being affected or influenced by others. No one person sees things or feels them in the exact same way as others do even if they are in the same family. The definition of words are merely the universal descriptions of them while the power of those words is found in our individual feelings of them. Those distinct sentiments, whether seen or hidden, spoken or silent, drives each us to find where we feel heard and understood. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and at times that means that hell is the beauty and a fractured person is the beholder.
To the parents who encourage their children to use a substance in order to “have fun” because it’s okay: If this goes wrong for your children, will you be able to help your children get out of the hell you led them to? Are you aware that you, yourselves, can’t “have fun” without drinking, or whatever, and that is not okay? It actually means that you are an addict. Do you realize that just because you have survived yours does not ensure that they will survive theirs? Are you willing to risk that for “having fun”? Happiness is not found in a liquid, a pill, a BLAH or in altering yourself because what you are not coping with will continue to rise until the end. The truth will come to the front despite your pretending otherwise. If you need for me to be “the bad one” so that you do not have to be accountable, I am up for the challenge. Playing the victim, however, will never remove your sins no matter how big nor how small they are. You do not have this. It is your children who will pay in the future. You deserve better than that as does your family and I hope that you figure this out. My dreams matter as do yours so please turn and look in the mirror. Misery, denial, justifications and excuses are all the friends of the snake and unfortunately so is death. Tricks are not just for drugs. They are for alcohol, people, things, behaviors and BLAH. You are a circle of heavell and pretending that you are only beauty is an illusion of perfection your children cannot afford. You know where I am if you need me. Just reach for the hand of courage even if you are biting the apples. The consequences are coming because you are behaving today as you did yesterday as you will most likely do in the future. You are your guide out of hell, as well as your children’s, but you seem very comfortable there while having heavenly expectations. I pray that I will not have to stand with you because death has claimed one of yours. When you breathe, I breathe but it won’t matter as long as the forest has a big tree of denials.
As a part of our celebration of the year anniversary of Heavell’s blog, we have been working hard on updating the website to make it much more user friendly for everyone. We have also included the PDF of our FREE booklet entitled “The Circles of Heavell”. These are our strategies for the prevention of substance abuse as well as ways to prevent the fracturing of our dreams. We hope that any or all that is said by us brings you to the place that you need to be in order to accept your whole while also leading others to discover theirs. Addiction is the art of living in heaven and hell. No one has come together exactly has you have on the circle of heavell. Beauty is found not just where you fit in but also where you don’t. Believe in all of you.
What is the value of an excuse? Is that value determined by the one saying it or the one hearing it? Are all excuses treated equally or does it matter who the bearer of the excuse is? I have said and received many excuses in my lifetime. Some of the ones said to me have been incredibly damaging and I have realized that some of the ones I have said have also inflicted emotional harm. We use excuses as denials of actions, behaviors, words and truths that harm ourselves and or others. Addicts use them to hide all the things that are tied to their addictions. The apple known as denial is the friend of excuse and we have used them in order to continue to behave today, as yesterday and potentially in the future. We lose trust when people excuse their behavior as well as experience the violation of our feelings being minimized; we are aware of the wrongs that have happened to us but not the ones we have done to others. I have absolutely hated all the times that Ryan excused a behavior, a mess, a missing item or even paraphernalia. I have also denied or excused those things from him and for him. When we are caught in the exposure that our excuses are merely denials and justifications, we stand our ground at any cost. Ashlee has been on the receiving end of my excuses for a large part of her life. I first excused having to teach her how to protect and take care of Ryan because I couldn’t count on their dad; which placed a huge responsibility on her as a child. Then when she tried to warn me of Ryan’s drug use, I listened to his denials rather than to her real truth. When I think back over those years, my excuses sent her the message that her feelings were not as important as Ryan’s nor my need to avoid dealing. I can say that I was overwhelmed with all that was happening in my life back then but it is my children who paid for my inability to cope well. My intent was never to harm them even though the results was that I did. Someone has always had to sacrifice in every situation, especially the very serious ones, and Ashlee was often the chosen one; Ryan and Taylor have also been given a share of my excuses. I made the best decision possible with the knowledge I had at the time but there is no justification, no excuses, for those missteps. If I do not understand the why and the how of what I did, then I cannot choose to do this differently for the betterment of myself and my children. If I excuse my behavior, choices, actions, BLAH, then I am trying to prove that those moments were and are okay which is a green truth. What has been done cannot be undone. The real truth is that there is no way to make a wrong even slightly right; especially if we are harmed or others are. There has been a person in my life who has had an excuse for every single action and behavior which usually led to everything being my fault. If I had an action or behavior or even a feeling, those were also my fault. In life we have events where we need denial or excuses in order to survive but there is a difference between a moment and a pattern. There is also a big distinction between excuses and the understanding of how we got there or came to be. All of the right things and wrongs things that have happened in my life are a part of my emotional definitions and the end results is who I am. Because I am a circle of heavell, all the right and wrong pieces that I have shared with others is a part of how they came to be who they are. One of the things I use to tell my children is that they are entitled to have a bad day but they are not entitled to share it nor justify it. The irony is that I was sharing my bad days while telling them to keep theirs to themselves. That person who has held me accountable for their choices and behaviors has also basically done the same thing to me; do as I say not as I do. We can deny for a period of time in order to breathe but at some point we have to look in the mirror at ourselves rather than what others are or have done. You should be here is a green truth. We frequently tell others what to do, how to be, how they feel or even what they have to accept even though we are not willing to do the same. If excuses are right then they are right across the board and if they are wrong then they are wrong across the board; no matter how big nor how small. If we release ourselves from the responsibility of what we have done, then we miss the opportunity, the chance to discover who we can truly be as well as who other’s can be. If we only have heavenly expectations for others then we become hypocrites who lead angels to where they fall and fail to escape from. We are all made up of parts that are heaven and hell. As such they must be accepted as our whole knowing that we can change some of the parts but we can never deny any of them. I am as strong as I am because of the pain, the trauma as well as the parts that bring love and laughter to my life. If you cannot accept my bad days then you may not have me on my good days because that would lead to my being fractured and I choose to be whole. Addicts, non-addicts and the non-believers all behave in the same manner which is human behavior that is learned, coped with and repeated to the detriment of our relationships with ourselves as well as others, especially our dreams. It matters not who says any excuse but it does matter if its a moment or a pattern. If it is wrong for one then it is wrong for all regardless of position, money, education, religion, addict, non-addict or BLAH. We can learn to understand how we become who we are as well as how others came to their place on the circle of heavell. To do so otherwise will lead to the continued fracturing of ourselves, chains that bind us to hell and the loss of more and more dreams. Tricks are not just for drugs. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do with substances, people, things as well as the apples known as denial, justification and excuse.
To Ashlee, Ryan and Taylor: I am sorry that in my life I have listened to the snake, bit the apples, fractured myself and ultimately fractured you. Thank you for teaching me that I was capable of being whole. You saw me even when I was not able to. I know you understand how I came to be and that you accept me on my good days as well as my bad ones. I strive every day to give you the same. Life is a circle of heavell with you and I am grateful for every moment whether I am holding the hand of courage or of fear. I love you.
A year ago I started blogging in order to help myself as well as others. All three of my children have been the driving force behind everything that we share from our lives; choosing to show that we are not illusions of perfections but are the truth in a world of green truths. Behind Ashlee, Ryan, and Taylor are six young people who profoundly affected each of them and in turn myself. It is on this one year anniversary that we have chosen to acknowledge them as the indirect force that moves us even though they are gone; just gone. All of them were dreams despite the part of hell that became the sole definition of them. They each found understanding in the valley of the fallen angels. It is a place where they felt they were heard because unhappiness loves everyone equally. The drugs that provided them with the cathartic release from their pain seemed like a friend but using those drugs for the first time led to another time and yet still another until it led to the end for them. None of them had dreamed that they would become a part of something that would never want to let them go nor that they couldn’t cope without it. None of them had imagined that it would take more and more to feel better as their pain rose, then fell, then rose again. They never realized that the drugs would slowly replace who they were with who drugs wanted them to be. They were also never aware that their individual voices, unheard in life, would one day join together to help create the change that was needed in our lives in order to help ourselves as well as Ryan.
To Matt, Kyle, Bethany, Chad, Travis and Amanda: Here’s to the laughter, the sadness, the fun, the mistakes, the choices, the desperation, the courage, the tears, the anger, the loneliness, the denial, the beauty and the fear. Here’s to the seconds, minutes, hours and days that you stood as well as the ones where you were unable to. Here’s to the moments when you consoled others while giving them a voice even though you never felt heard. Here’s to the times where you were in a room full of people and still felt alone. Here’s to all of your parts, both heaven and hell, because you truly had it all. You gave each of us the things that you were never able to give yourselves nor that we were able to give you. Once upon a dream, the day each of you fell, never to rise again, was the day the world lost an important dream because every dream matters. May you now have what each of you were seeking. You made it easy for some people to appear to be good even though you were always just like them and they were just like you. We hope that you have been able to forgive us for our sins, no matter how big nor how small, and that you have done the same for yourselves. May you know that even though death came to claim you, you will always be with us because we breathe in view of the fact that you did. You will be remembered always. With much love, Heavell.
We are all a circle of heavell living on a circle of heavell while effecting other circles of heavell. Heaven and hell walk hand in hand. In order to have it all, we must have both. In order to be whole, we must acknowledge all of our parts. Happiness is not found in illusions of perfection but in how we cope with the all that we are. How do you feel about anything and everything? Those answers are your personal emotional definitions based on your life experiences. Use your heaven to lift your hell while holding the hand of courage as well as that of fear so that you may break your chains.
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