For a long time I have told people that if someone cannot take you on your bad days then they do not get to have you on your good days. This was a reference to their being caught up in how they looked on any given day. There are days that we are happy with how we appear and days that we are not. We are, however, never perfect every minute of every day. If we spend our time being focused on the appearance of ourselves then we are participating in the illusions of perfection which is a green truth. I only more recently realized that that statement fits all of life. The real truth is that we are all a circle of heavell whether we are talking about our appearances, behaviors, personal definitions, choices or blah. We want to have it all and yet we are not willing to realize that that means having it all; heaven and hell. Failing to accept ourselves as wholes, by showing and celebrating only parts, leads to the fracturing of ourselves which makes us unhappy people who cannot cope. I have had an issue with allowing others, especially my children, to be unhappy which is part of the reason why we are here. I have realized that I wanted to only deal with or have, happy children with happy memories. Do as I say not as I do. It is amazing the amount of people who only acknowledge us or show up when we are being what they want or if it gives the appearance of being good. The problem is that it doesn’t show the real truth about them or even ourselves. I think of all the people who said we appeared to be this together family when in truth we definitely had issues. Some of the people in this family only focused on the hell of others while I tended to focus on only the heaven of them. Both of those positions are wrong in that it denies the whole and leads to fracturing. We do not know who someone is unless we know both the heaven and hell of that person; just as that person cannot know or accept their self if he or she only shows or acknowledges some of the parts. We are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people in a world of green truths. Some people appear to be or have only heaven while in reality they have it all as well. I am the best version of myself today with the hope that I will be even better, perhaps tomorrow, but it requires accepting or changing all or some of my parts while acknowledging the same for the people in my life. I do not, nor do they, get to choose only the parts that are heaven because all relationships require work; even the one with ourselves. We all fall down whether we are addicts or non-addicts. If we seek only heaven while hiding hell, we will stay fractured. Ryan’s addiction brought all of this to the front despite our heavenly expectations while pretending that the mirror did not exist. Someone asked me why would I ever write about what I have been through and learned. She was horrified that I would expose myself as well as others to being seen for what we are and what we have done rather than continue the illusions of perfection that we have been so good at appearing to be. By behaving today as we did yesterday as we could tomorrow, we are in part responsible for where angels fall and for the chains that continue to bind us as well as them to hell. You should be here not there but that requires courage and fear not denial and justification. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do; in all sorts of ways but especially in secret so that no one sees the real truth about them. Happiness is not found in appearances, parts, justification, denial or blah. Happiness is found in the whole of ourselves knowing that we are made up of heaven and hell. If you cannot take me on my bad days then you cannot have me on my good days because I am all of it not just parts of it. So are you and pretending otherwise will not change the real truth. It is not our ability to love or make love but our ability to face controversary together, that hell, that determines the success or failure of our relationships with others as well as ourselves. I am frustrated, saddened and accepting of the hell in me because that is how I came to be who I am. Through the illusions of perfection, I appear and have appeared to have it all. The real truth is now you see me, now you don’t because illusions imply only heaven. Having it all means heaven and hell; the full circle of heavell. By denying that, we will remain fractured, unhappy people instead of the happy people we can be. Addicts and non-addicts really are the same type of people standing on opposite sides focusing on only some of the parts. The remedy has always been in seeing, accepting and or changing those parts of ourselves that make our whole. My memories of Ryan prior to his addiction, are wonderful memories but they fail to see all of him rather than just the illusion of him. Today is not a good day for Ryan. I will show up for his hell because he deserves that and because I am strong enough to do so. Choosing not to is also an acceptable answer as long as I am accountable for my choice not him. You do not have to show up either. No one expects you to be that strong but we do expect that you own that choice rather than justify or deny your accountability for it. I think about all the people who failed to show up for Ryan in his life, which in truth includes me. None of it was a reflection of what he deserved but rather a reflection of who we were then and of those who still are that way today even after so many moments of almost losing him. Every dream matters whether mine or yours because having it all actually means HAVING IT ALL. Happy people accept and change their heavell with courage and fear but never denial or justification because those apples are the friend of the snake and he doesn’t want anyone to be happy.
Dear Ryan. This year has been filled with serious challenges that have been as daunting as your addiction. All of those parts make you who your are. Find your happiness not in the hell that others would have you believe or that you feel but in the whole where your heaven can lift up your hell. It is not enough for me to see and accept ALL of you. You must also do that for yourself otherwise those chains that bind will remain. You are a dream and a nightmare. So is everyone else despite their illusions of perfection. If you cannot stand today, be easy with yourself while accepting the hand of fear. Courage will reach out in time and you will breathe again. The remedy is in you and always has been.
The memories of what had been made it hard to accept what had become or to even fully engage in reality. I remember my son when he was the athlete and the good student as well as the defender of the underdog. Once a young woman, who went to school with Ryan, asked him “where is the Ryan I know” when she saw him doing drugs at a party. He responded that that person was gone and that she should leave him alone. He told me that she was crying as she walked away. Her memories of Ryan as well as mine have been both heaven and hell as neither of us could forget the Ryan we had known nor accept the Ryan that was now before us. Our moments and experiences in life create who we are, giving each of us our personal emotional definitions, and as such must be accepted as the parts of us but not the sole definer of us. Addicts focus on their parts of hell while non-addicts’ attention is on their parts of heaven. We fracture when we fail to acknowledge all of it while living only some of it regardless of whether it is solely heaven or solely hell. Both Ashlee and Ryan have stated that their recollections of themselves begins around the age of eleven or so. How is it possible that the previous years are missing? When there is hell in memories, many of the other events surrounding it are also lost. Addicts and non-addicts all use denial in order to not remember or relive painful things as well as not be accountable because sometimes our very survival depends on it. I think of the non-believers who failed to recognize my denial as a coping skill but I also think of my denial as having been a hinderance to my children and myself. When I look back on those years, I can see where I failed to cope well with a lot of things. What is done cannot be undone but by behaving today as we did yesterday as we will continue tomorrow, we are ensuring the continued fracturing of ourselves as well as others. Denial has helped me to survive my hell very much like substance abuse helps addicts survive theirs. It has however also prevented my moving forth just as it has prevented addicts from doing so. Now that I am standing, I am willing to look in the mirror and deal with each and every part. To do so otherwise would allow only some of the parts to be acknowledged; just as we had done in the illusions of perfection life we use to live in. Ryan’s addiction brought the awareness that we are wholes that are made up of so many things that should be loved or hated, accepted or changed but never hidden. I am so very grateful for the lessons that he as well as his sisters have taught me. Over time I am becoming a whole person while holding their hands in our lives of heavell. Through the adversity, the traumas and the celebrations in our lives, there is an understanding of how we became who we are. Those things, if used as an excuse, lead to the justification of behaviors than can and do destroy ourselves as well as others. They also create an inability to move forth regardless of whether the memory is of hell or heaven. Unhappy people alter their state of being through a substance, a person, a place or a thing but happy people don’t. I am not responsible for Ryan’s drug use nor my ex-husband’s use nor anyone else’s choices. I am responsible, however, for my part, my actions and reactions in life, that effected them. I am a circle of heavell that effects everyone else’s circle of heavell as are they. We all fall down, we all deny, we all justify and in the end we are all fractured which means we are all open to hell; some of us just make it easier for others to appear to be good.
Illusions of perfection. To the non-believers. Here a lie, there a lie, everywhere there are lies. Dreams can become nightmares whether they are addicts or not. Just to be remembered. A tree and a forest. Heavenly expectations are a green truth. Hide and Seek. The snake and the apples keep you fractured. Accept or change your circle of heavell. When you breathe, I breathe. Chains that bind us to hell can be broken. Courage and fear walk hand in hand. The remedy is in your whole not mine. How do you feel about denial? How do you think I feel about it?
This past weekend I was in Denver to present Heavell’s strategies for the prevention of drug and alcohol use by kids at the GlobalMindEd convention. It was an opportunity to meet a variety of people who had come together to learn and strategies on a multitude of serious issues in this country as well as the world. I met every day people who are warriors in their communities as they fight to solve issues while facing their own personal dilemmas. I also had the opportunity to learn some things about myself through the hard work of a couple of instructors who challenged me to think out of my circle of heavell in order to see individual stories rather than just the similarities between us. I met and spent time with a few young men who live on the streets of Denver as well as a young woman whose whole family are addicts. Each and every single person I met imparted something to me that was important about them although they probably did not realize the affect they had on me. I also think that each one of them was surprised to learn why I was there. Although we are aware that addiction affects a lot of people in some way, we still have the idea that there are people who live the life of heaven, the green truth, when the real truth is we all live in heaven and hell on any given day or even any given moment; sometimes in secret.
On the shuttle ride to the hotel, there was a woman who was traveling with her family from Houston, Texas. She was attending the same conference as I was. Through her story, I learned that there are people in Houston who are still struggling to survive and are still homeless from the hurricane that hit there almost a year ago. The green truth was that I had assumed everyone was fine. The real truth is that despite the rally of this country to help the victims of that devastating storm, there are still people who are living in a trauma that is keeping them in a hopeless hell; they are fractured. As we have moved from one catastrophic event to another and yet another, those people have been forgotten. That woman is a warrior who has taken that adversity to heart and is fighting for her community to be seen. When we crossed paths a couple of days later at the convention, she asked me if I remembered her from our shared shuttle ride. She was completely unaware that it is I that will never forget her nor her determination to lead her community out of hell. She is an every day person who in actuality is an unsung hero. I am honored to have been remembered by her.
I met a homeless young man the first night that I was there whose name is Thomas. I was standing outside trying to decide if I was hungry and if so, was I going to get something to eat. He was a polite and soft spoken person as well as seeming to be very stressed. After listening to him for a few minutes about his day, I mentioned that I needed to get something to eat. He proceeded to tell me how to take the bus to go to a variety of places where the cost was reasonable for a decent meal. I smiled as I told him that under no circumstances was I going to ride the bus anywhere after already having traveled to his city. I told him to come with me and we would find a place to eat where he could tell me his story. Just down the street was a MacDonald’s that encourages its diners to enjoy their meal in 30 minutes or less. Despite having been told to order what he wanted, Thomas chose just two MacDouble hamburgers and a small drink. In between bites and prayers, he spoke about his life. I was struck by his need to be okay with being on the streets while being in pain that he was on the streets. He has not spoken to his family in what he thought was three or four months. He is a former addict that appeared to be sober although he also seemed to have issues with his mental health. After explaining why I was there, he expressed sorrow that drugs had affected my son as well as my life. He then proceeded to say a prayer for both Ryan and I. Over the couple of days that I spoke with him, he continually reminded me to be safe as well as encouraged me to never give up on my son. When I asked Thomas what he would say to the world if he was given the opportunity to speak, he told me that he “Just Wanted To Be Remembered”. Thomas is an every day person who is fighting to survive homelessness, addiction, and the ability to eat every day while living with a perception of reality that makes those things even more challenging. I missed seeing him on my last day in Denver so I can only hope that he will eventually reach out to get the mental health help that he needs. Despite his parts of hell that have become the sole definition of him, his ability to empathize makes him completely memorable; at the very least for me.
The next person was this energetic young woman who lives in Denver and was attending the conference. She is a college student who is looking to change how doctors communicate with patients in order to improve the patients’ understanding about their health and their control of it. After I introduced myself, she then briefly shared her hell with me. With a grin on her face she let me know that her parents, as well as the rest of her family, are all addicts. The vulnerability of showing someone a part of ourselves, that we have developed the coping skill to hide, is traumatic in itself. She shrugged her shoulders as she stated she had learned to accept it. I wish her beautiful smile had matched the look in her eyes but it did not. For a brief moment the little girl, who had wanted the sober parents that showed up for daily life as well as those school events, appeared and then almost as quickly disappeared. We talked a little longer about her future and then as she turned from me, I reminded her that we are all made up of parts of heaven and hell. If we hide parts of us rather than work on them, we will remain fractured. She is memorable for her determination to get out of hell while still being chained to it. I hope at her college graduation that someone yells her name so loud that the whole arena hears it but especially that she does.
Then there was the young man who I stood talking to while he sat on the sidewalk holding a cup out for change. He was a nice looking young man who had trouble articulating his thoughts. I am fairly sure that he was high but mental health or a brain injury could have been playing a role as well. When I asked him if he was from Denver, he replied that he was from Chicago. He then told me that he had come with his brother on a vacation. I asked where his brother was and his reply was that he had returned to Chicago because he had to get back. I asked if his family knew where he was at which he just shrugged his shoulders. Our conversation was limited due to his state and as I turned away I told him to hang in there. He is memorable because addiction, mental illness, family pain, trauma, as well as hell do not discriminate. If you are fractured, the door is open to following others or using drugs or whatever you have to in order to cope. I will remember him because he easily could have been my son.
The final young man is named Joshua. He approached me and asked if I could afford to buy him some food. I told him that I could and we headed off to that 30 minutes or less MacDonald’s. I requested that he tell me his story and he told me that words do not change anything. He was very articulate while speaking with a conviction that was colored with his pain. He was a foster child who had aged out of the system when he turned 18 years old after having been passed from home to home. Frustration flashed at times as he spoke and a few tears. I asked him what would he tell the world and he said “To Please Just Give Me A Chance”. He talked about a few of the things that have happened to him while he was in foster care as well as on the streets. As he was speaking I noticed that on the inside of one of his arms there was a healed wound that started at his wrist and was about 3 inches long. When I asked him about it, he told me that he had attempted suicide a few months before. He works as a day laborer during the week but on the weekends that job is not available so he goes without eating. He is an every day person fighting to survive homelessness and the weight of isolation that comes with living that way. He also requested only two MacDouble hamburgers and a small drink stating that he never takes more than he needs. The encounter with Joshua left me the most unsettled because instead of wondering if his parents were worried about him, I wondered how it was possible that there was no one who cared about this kid. Joshua is memorable because on a street filled with people, he sees everyone despite only being seen by a few. I hope that someone will give him the chance that he needs so that he may break his chain in hell.
We are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people living in a circle of heavell while being a circle of heavell. Our ability to cope, to face adversity, is the determiner for whether we spend more time in hell or heaven. If we only show or acknowledge our heaven while keeping our hell hidden, we will remain fractured; because a whole is a sum of all parts not just some of the parts. To all the people I met in Denver, THANK YOU. Your stories may not be unique but you are because no one else has your parts that have been created by your personal emotional definitions affected by your circles of heavell. To the man who spent his free time from his convention handing out food to the homeless as well as their pets, you are an every day unsung hero. To Joshua: You matter in this world and some day this will change for you. Remember to continue to see everyone even when you are no longer fighting to be seen because that is your gift in this world.
Addiction is not a one time event but a series of days, weeks, months and years that are made up of heaven and hell. One day that person may be sober and the next he or she may relapse. If you have ever been through a setback or multiples of them, it is very hard not to feel angry and fearful before, during and after. The first time that Ryan went to rehab, I completely thought the whole addiction process was over. I am not sure whether I was unaware of those events that often occur or if I just thought he was different. Perhaps I thought I was finally powerful enough to talk him out of it even though that had not been the case in the past. The first relapse made me angry with the frustration that this wasn’t as simple as I had wanted or believed it to be. After he had over-dosed, my reactions to his subsequent relapses were filled with intense anger resulting from the fear that would spread throughout my body from the knowledge that he could actually die from his hell. Addiction is a chain that binds addicts to a substance that alters their mind, body and soul. That chain has also bound me to it with the same results; addicts and non-addicts are very much the same. Ryan has been fearful and angry in his desperate need to have and to ingest drugs. I have felt the same way in trying to prevent his use of drugs. At no time was I aware though, that I would also relapse or deteriorate in my behavior during those events. I have had to ask myself if I was justifying my actions based upon his behaviors or were my behaviors encouraging his responses before, during and after those setbacks? Some how I think both have played a role in this whole addiction cycle that we have lived. The other day there was a situation that involved my ex-husband and some of his relatives. Several of them were trying to control what he could or could not do in regards to certain relatives. As I listened to the scenario, I was struck by the intensity of those involved but also by the knowledge that I have done the same thing on so many occasions. I understand that need to restrict, especially when we have suffered traumas in the past. Anyone who has had an addict in their life can completely relate to those emotional definitions. I also recognized the negative reinforcement to my ex that he has made many mistakes that will never be forgiven nor forgotten. Why stay sober if the sum of you is only the hell of you or if you can never get away from the reminders of your hell? When addicts make numerous offenses while repeatedly using, it is all but impossible to remember that they have been dreams before. We feel frustrated that addicts behave today as they did yesterday as we are sure they will tomorrow because that’s what the cycle has taught us. With those feelings and knowledge firmly in hand, we are justified in the repetition of our own behaviors in response to theirs. It is not that we are not entitled to our feelings but it is how they are utilized that can determine whether this is heaven or hell as well as the duration of each of those. I feel as if my continual restrictions and the justifications of my behaviors have made me more of a non-believer than an actual true believer. Fear fed my recurring reminders to Ryan that he had done “this” and thus I was doing “this”. That cycle of mine brought what felt like control into an out of control life that I struggled to cope through. It was also a part of keeping me as well as Ryan in that hell. How do we find peace and safety with people whose need for a substance is greater than the love they have for us or for themselves? The answer does not lie in reminding them of their hell every time that we can even though we cannot ignore the truth of that hell. This would be so much easier if each of us were only heaven in this world but that is a green truth; an impossibility. The real truth is that we are all made up of parts that are heaven and hell and those parts affect us as well as others. It is not our ability to love or make love in life but our ability to face controversary together that is the actual determiner of the success or failure of any relationship; including the one with ourselves. That means knowing that others have failed us, that we have failed them, as well as having failed ourselves. I can say emphatically that there have been times that I have hated my ex-husband or at least his behaviors. There are times that I have cursed his name for the traumas that he has brought. I can also say with the same amount of passion, that in the moments that he has shown up for our children, I am beyond grateful for all that he has done. Those wonderful moments have brought peace to Ashlee and Ryan in a life where trust and tranquility were not a part of their childhood. Healing begins when we breathe in the heavens that are there too. I feel sadness for my ex as well as those relatives because they have decided he should be here. They will continue to keep him chained while not realizing that they are also keeping themselves chained. The apples of denial and justification will never remove the accountability of their role on their circle of heavell just as it will not for my ex-husband. What has been done cannot be undone but by learning to cope well, the fracturing of ourselves can begin to heal whether we are an addict or a non-addict. The mirror knows that we are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people who fall down even though we use illusions of perfection to hide it.
To my ex-husband: I am grateful for every moment that you have been able to stand for our children as are they. Thank you.
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