When a dream becomes a nightmare, it becomes impossible to see anything other than the dependency that has become the focus of that nightmare; especially in life or death situations. I have been as consumed by Ryan’s obsession as he has; almost to the detriment of everyone and everything else. The clear visual of addiction has a concreteness that is easier to hold as being solely responsible for hell but that is a green truth. We often focus on a piece or behavior as being the defining definition of someone or the only part that needs fixing. The real truth is no one is only one thing including addiction. Every single one of us is made up of heaven and hell. If we fail to accept, love, hate, work on or through all the other parts of us, the fracturing will open the door to unhappiness, the following of others, addiction and more. The controversary or the hell is the test of ourselves and our relationships to do this better by not accepting that one part is all that we are nor what others are. What part do others recognize in you? Is that part heaven or hell in their eyes? How do you feel about that piece? There was a beautiful, young woman in our lives that was an addict, a trauma (s) survivor, an artist, a liar, a daughter, a girlfriend, a rose and so much more on the circle of heavell. She had tried to speak of her pain, her traumas but found that those she spoke to did not feel as she did about those events. Her parts became fractured and as time passed, she accepted hell as the defining definition of herself as did everyone else. The appearance of that concreteness weighed heavily upon her which led to her choosing to end her life. To this day, I grieve for my part on the circle of heavell that failed to see all of her while she was alive but was able to find in her death. We lead angels to where they fall when we become obsessed with nightmares while failing to remember that they are dreams too; addicts and non-addicts are very much the same. We hide parts of ourselves in order to seek acceptance from our circles of heavell whether that is from ourselves or from others until we can no longer do so.
Someone reminded me recently that we can only do the best that we can. That is the truth as well as a justification for behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow. In everything we do from raising children, working, relationships, to BLAH, we have the opportunity each day to learn from our sins no matter how great they may be nor how small; the mirror knows the real truth about everyone. Often though we choose not to as we use denial, justification, and the illusion of perfection to hide our hell. While we have our own personal definitions about anything and everything in life, we cannot ignore the importance of others’ definitions as well. That dream who ended her life felt unheard as her feelings were continually corrected by the emotional definitions of others. The misery is that Ryan has felt the same way. There are too many to count that have repeated those same opinions to me over the years. Unfortunately I am guilty of having perpetuated that onto my children as well because after all, I am the adult and my feelings ruled. If the emotional responses of others are not validated despite the possible conflict with our own, how can anyone ever learn to cope well? When we hide our parts, we will seek confirmation where we can find it; sometimes in secret. We are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people who appear to be good who fail to deal with ours and others little boxes of feelings. In my circle of heavell, there are non-believers who feel that everyone else has to do the right thing but they do not. The conflict lies in that we do not feel the same about children, family or even addiction. If I had followed them rather than myself, the results would have been the loss of Ryan. I am aware that they will never truly be of any help to him or to me and thus I do not expect anything from them. It’s has taken me a long time to be strong enough to look into the mirror in order to see that truth; not the green truth they would have others believe which is that Ryan and I, as well as his sisters, are the problem. They will never be familiar with the Ryan that the rest of us have loved and enjoyed over the years. For them he will always be and only be the part of him that is hell. They will never really know me either because of their justifications. I guess they are only able to do the best that they can. Sadly I saw that behavior in the family of that young woman who ended her hell as well as that police officer who told me to let Ryan go as he had his daughter all those years back. There is nothing that says you should be here. It’s up to you where you are and where you go on this path so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. This is hell and there is no easy way out. However, do not tell others what their emotional definitions are because that is in part why we are here. Treat others as you would have them treat you. I took a stand not just against drugs but against myself in order to find my child in the valley of the fallen angels. I do not get to choose to see or hear him when it is convenient. The loss of my poster child is far to great for me to accept the justification of any behavior including my own. Do what you feel is right today knowing that the price may be your dream. Courage and fear walk hand in hand no matter who you are. Lead with both of them if you are going to get out of this. Today is a good day for Ryan and we are both feeling courageous. Faith is always easy when the conflict or the hell is hidden or we are biting from the apple known as denial. If tomorrow changes, we will face that as well.
Now you see me now you don’t. Angels are lead to where they fall. Look in the mirror to find the real truth. One person’s dream might be another person’s nightmare. Hiding your hell does not make you good. Everyone has little boxes of feelings. The snake speaks and everyone denies that they listen. Courage and fear are your friends in hell. Seek and you shall find your path because you should be here is a green truth. Are you there drugs? It’s me a mother and I messed this up…
The non-believers have been known to tell others that I have been in denial of Ryan’s drug use. It is true that I have been but not for the reason that they would have people believe. The mirror hates the apple known as denial because it allows the green truth to be easily accepted rather than the real truth. However my emotional attachment to that word is different from that of the non-believers. On the days that I was in fear of breaking, I freely chose to bite the apple. It was a protective mechanism that I used in order to remain standing or to not bleed any further while on the ground. Sometimes my mind, body and spirit could not take anymore and I had to run from the pain; not unlike an addict. Denial has also actually brought me peace, when necessary, as I lived in a life of hell that was filled with fear. There were days where I was so tired that I would pretend that I only lived in heaven. I just didn’t want to think about or deal with his addiction for one more second. Ironically the non-believers failed and still fail to see the real truth which is that they are also in denial. They would have everyone believe that Ryan is only the sum of his drug use despite the parts of him that are and have been heaven. The real truth is that in his addiction, Ryan did become solely about getting and using drugs. He focused on that one part as being the defining definition of himself while everyone else did the very exact same thing. How can we save a whole while focused on only one part? How can we expect only one part to save a whole? Denial is not just the act of declaring or pretending that something is untrue. It is also a convenient or at times a necessary mechanism used by addicts and non-addicts as well as the non-believers to run from pain or to keep from being further broken or to justify the judgment of others while failing to do the right thing. Its unfortunate that there are those who failed to see that what they claimed was my denial was in fact my protection against the desperation that was destroying me and not a shielding of Ryan. He, of course, refuted the truth because drugs brought him relief from his pain in life. You should be here is a green truth because you are not here either although you pretend that you are. The apple called denial is a friend of the snake. It loves everyone equally because everyone needs it in order to not look in the mirror; addicts and non-addicts are really very much the same.
One of the definitions of insanity is the repeating of a behavior while expecting a different outcome. Ryan’s repeated return to drug use was as insane as my repeated attempts to control those days and relapses. He was obsessed with using drugs and I was obsessed with stopping his use of them. No one ever mentioned to me that I would feel like I was going insane through all of this but that is exactly how I felt. Between those feelings of shock, anger, fear, loneliness, frustration, desperation, anxiety, hatred and DENIAL, I came as close to losing it as possible. This had not been my plan in life. I am sure it wasn’t Ryan’s plan either. No one wakes up one day having had a happy life and decides to throw it all away. No one wakes up from a dream and knows how to deal with a nightmare. Part of the problem was that his feelings and my feelings were not the same. I saw drugs as the enemy and if he would have done what I said, things would have been okay. It had worked for years and yet at some point he stopped listening and I guess I did too. He saw drugs as a friend who understood him and made everything okay. How can we solve a problem when we stand on opposite sides insisting that we are each right? When heaven and hell face each other in the battle for a life, someone or something has to give. There have been many people in my life that repeat behaviors while expecting a different outcome even when the behaviors are destructive to them and or their relationships. Yet persist they do as if what they are doing is as cathartic as drugs are to an addict. At some point I believed I could talk Ryan out of his drug use and others out of their choices. I certainly tried with everything I had in me until I realized that we don’t feel the same about these things. So perhaps my son’s drug use helped me to realize the insane expectation that I could continue to behave the same while expecting others to change even though that is exactly how we got here. The green truth was that it had all been right and the real truth was that we were all wrong; that is how a tree brought down a forest. So why did I spend years talking and acting exactly as I had prior to the start of this? The answer lies with that friend of the snake known as denial which led to the avoidance of the mirror. Addicts are just like you and me because they are in denial too. Nothing will change as long as we all behave today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow expecting only addicts to look in the mirror because a part cannot save a whole. Today is a good day, not because I am not afraid, but because I am living this one day at a time with one breath at a time. Denial will be my friend when I am unsure of where to step next or I feel as if can’t do this for one more second. I will also rely upon the support of those who are there for me, especially my dear Ashlee and Taylor who go above and beyond to hold my hand in hell. Be kind to yourself when the days are not good. No one wakes up one day and decides to live in hell but here we are. I am sorry that you are here. You shouldn’t be.
Courage and fear walk hand in hand. To the non-believers. I choose to bite the apple known as denial even though it the friend of the snake. So do you. I fell down. Just like you. A dream became a nightmare then a dream and then a nightmare. Every one knows the valley of the fallen angels. You should not be here because here is hell. Be kind to yourself today and then get up tomorrow. You are your guide out of hell because no matter what anyone else says, you are the parts that are needed to save your whole.
When I think about the word war, I imagine pain, suffering and devastation. When I contemplate the word drugs, I feel anger, fear and an inability to breath. Why do we call this a “War on Drugs”? Drugs are created by, sold by, needed and used by addicts and non-addicts as well as profited by them. If this is a war then it is a war against humans not drugs. History has shown us that wars leave destruction in their wake. Innocent people are broken, injured and killed in wars that are created by humans that want something that someone else has or to stop something someone else does; people, places and things. If we are at war with humans over drugs, how many lives and years will be lost in a combat that will never end? How many victims will be created from the trauma(s) that they face in their lives that will lead to their need to cope in an altered state? This is a circle of hell that continues to grow while we wage war against drugs even though it is not drugs that are the problem. As long as we need them, there will always be humans willing to do whatever it takes, regardless of who gets hurt and regardless of the cost, to profit from suffering. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do. In the beginning, my fear and anger over Ryan’s addiction brought the desire for war against those who are involved with the creation, distribution and profit of drugs to the front for me. The green truth was that war would surely end this thus releasing my feelings of trauma and violation at the hands of those who have prayed upon my son as well as others. I believed that until the mirror showed me that the addictive brain, the unhappiness, the traumas, and the lack of coping skills were the true enemies on the circle of heavell. Even our need to defend to the death that we are right despite the cost is our enemy; death of a dream, a relationship, a forest, a circle of heavell. With war comes the complacency that dreams will be lost and destroyed. I am not willing to accept the loss of my poster child nor the loss of anyone’s fallen angel because of a war on drugs that cannot be won. I am however willing to crusade for the discovery of how we got here, our personal definitions that make us who we are and the acceptance that we are a whole and not just a part. This is not a competition even though there are those who would make it so. The war on drugs is a green truth. The real truth is that it has never been just about drugs nor just about addiction because if every part on the circle of heavell is doing its job, one part would never bring down the whole. You should be here is a green truth. You shouldn’t be but if you are, we can solve this by crusading for all of us rather than being at war while complacent in the destruction of dreams; because every dream matters.
Everything in life requires courage and its friend fear. They walk hand in hand and you choose which one you will reflect in every moment of your life. It takes fear to show us that if we continue to behave today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow, hell will be our normal. Courage is then our determination to change things even when we don’t know how to or want to. Fear has laid me down and courage has stood me up. I am no different than my son, the addict, nor anyone else including the non-believers. Fear keeps me from thinking clearly and immobile while courage allows me to see every part of myself that makes me whole; the good, the bad and the okay. I am a circle of heavell and I live in a circle of heavell while being affected by everyone else’s circle of heavell. As of today I am the greatest human possible for me and tomorrow I hope to be even better, but that will depend upon my courage as well as my fear. I will take steps forward and back in my growth not unlike an addict fighting for sobriety. My bad days however will not in any way lead to death but Ryan’s bad days can and have. When I am fearful, it has been easy to run towards what I am comfortable with and to control what I can. Often when I listen to people talk about their pain and how they cope with it, I can see the similarities between us in the emotions and responses. How can we expect addicts to change when under duress we turn towards past behaviors, defending them to the death, as well? Currently there are at least a couple of young people, non-addicts at this point, that I am aware of in my realm that are in great distress in their lives. They are living in fear and fighting for courage as they discover all the parts of themselves. They desire to be accepted as a whole rather than directed to be the part or parts that someone else tells them to be. Fear immobilizes us at times to the point where we cannot get up or we hide who we are sometimes for years; non-addicts are very much like addicts. We are a whole made up of parts. All those parts are to be loved, hated, accepted and changed if need be because without each part we cannot be a whole. Ryan at times focuses on the parts of him that were once his defining greatness; the athlete, the top student, the defender of the underdog. He then focuses on what he sees as his worst parts; his anger, his inability to cope, his use of drugs that cost him his greatness. Those parts can and have fueled his relapses as mine have also done. The green truth is a part is all that he is. The real truth is that all of these things created a whole person who has been courageous in life and one who has been immobile from fear. By continually treating addicts as only a part, no matter the size of that part, we are ensuring that they do not move forth and that we the non-addicts do not have to either. In judgement we will reap what we have sown which is the continual fall of angels because we led them there.
To the fearful, the newly you are here, the non-believers, addicts and non-addicts: We cannot expect others to accept our parts if we do not accept them ourselves. We cannot change this if we are at war rather than a crusade to save each and everyone of us. Courage is never without fear so decide today which one is leading and deal with that; tomorrow it may be the other one. This will not be won in a moment or a part or in denial or in judgement but all them are a part of it. It requires a circle of heavell starting with your circle first. Figure out how you feel about everything because those feelings are your personal definitions that make you the only you in this world. Traumas can break you but they are only one part so look in the mirror and see all of you. You are your guide out of hell because you are the only one powerful enough to accept and or change the circle of heavell within yourself using your fear today and your courage tomorrow. We stand united to save every dream because every dream matters but we need every part of you to do this better. Keep talking because we are listening.
I am a circle of heavell; a whole not a part. I am more than the mother of a drug addict. I am, today, a person who has suffered the greatest pain in the world…FOR ME. That pain is mine and mine alone. This is not a competition even though there are those who would make it one. You should be here is a green truth. My pain is no less than nor no greater than yours. I am also, today, the greatest human ever…FOR ME. What I have done, reacted to, survived and learned is how I became me. Those things over my life time make up my personal circle of heavell; my emotional definitions. There have been people who have affected my circle as I have theirs but individually we create heavell in ourselves. We look for the people who understand us and justify those choices. You are, today, the greatest and the most pained human in the world…FOR YOU. This is not a competition. You are a whole circle of heavell not merely one part. In illusions of perfection, it easy to ignore or hide that hell is in each of us. In the world of addiction it is easy to be consumed by that hell, believing it is the only part of us. Green truths allow us to justify everything while the mirror knows the real truth. If we focus on, acknowledge only, one part as the definer of who we are, we are losing all the other parts that carry the heaven and the hell that makes us who we are today. I have made many mistakes. I have failed to learn or move forth by denying the whole of me. If I pick or share only the great things about me, I am not a whole. If I pick or share only the bad things about me, I am not a whole. If I embrace the good and the bad, the mistakes and the lessons learned, the wins and the losses, I am then whole. Every day is a chance for me to see what is right and what is wrong by working to accept or change each and every part. Mistakes matter not unless we continue to repeat them by justifying. Don’t listen to the snake in your personal circle and the greater circle of your life. He wants you to pick only one part. He does not want you to be whole. By behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow, we will continue to create unhappily ever after people. I am reminded by my new friend who is a dream but once was a nightmare, that our mistakes are often public, which is so damaging. Yes I have been publically humiliated by my behaviors as well as the behaviors of others. It is incredibly painful when people know that we and our lives are not perfect. It is even more painful when people use our pain to justify their behavior or we use our pain as justification. The real truth is that we are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people although some of us make it easier for others to appear to be good; addicts and non-addicts are really the same. My words are: If you cannot accept me on my worse day then you cannot have me on my best day because I am a whole and not a part. How can we move forth or even love when we hide the truth about ourselves so that we are not judged? How can we ask others to not judge us when we judge ourselves and others too? Treat yourself as you would have others treat you because it starts with you and then moves out; reap what you sow. I am a dream, a nightmare, the most pained and the greatest human…FOR ME. If you are looking for others to understand and accept you, you are choosing only a part of you. We lead ourselves to where we fall or stand by our acceptance of own personal heavell. Ashlee once told me that she felt I was embarrassed by Ryan’s drug addiction. At the beginning of it, I talked and thought about it constantly as I searched for help and understanding. What I encountered was a lot judgement from the non-believers. Judgement is the friend of the snake and prevents those who do the judging from looking in their own mirror. In response to that I did hide that part. Embarrassment was a natural reaction for having been exposed as being an illusion of perfection in the world of green truths. Eventually I came to the realization that I could either continue to hide, now you see me now you don’t, or I could stand. That does not mean that I am able to stand every day nor that I share my story with every single person I meet. It does however mean that I am, today, the greatest human…FOR ME…which includes all of those mistakes and all of my successes. Tomorrow is waiting to see what truth we will tell and accept in ourselves despite the heavenly expectations of others and the non-believers.
Now you see me now you don’t. To the non-believers. The mirror sees you. The real truths. You should NOT be here. I am a dream and a nightmare. I am a circle of heavell. The heart knows fear but I am standing. Once upon a dream. The valley of the fallen angels. When you breathe I breathe. Just like you. Little boxes of feelings. You are your guide out of hell because you led yourself there. A tree brought down a whole forest. This is for me and for you because we all fall down.
One of the things that I have hated and learned to love about Ryan’s addiction is the truth that came from it. Not the green truth that we had believed was our lives but the real truth. No matter how hard I tried to justify every one of my words or actions/reactions, the mirror just kept getting bigger until I fell silent. Everything I have done or said was meant to teach my children things and to raise them up. Through all of this I had not realized that I was implying the need for perfection from them while excusing my short comings. We always want more for our children all the while sharing our normalcy with them. If it is not perfect for us then how can it be perfect for them? If we are not perfect then why do we expect them to be? When we don’t know how to achieve it or believe that things are the achievement, we create illusions of perfection that in reality will never make us feel better. The world is filled with unhappy people who alter their state of being either with drugs or alcohol or things or people because just like addiction, unhappiness does not discriminate. Everything happens for a reason even though those reasons are not always clear. If everyone on our circle of heavell had done this right, we would not be here. Because we didn’t, Ryan jumped into the valley of the fallen angels while we were left with a giant mirror to look at. I cannot undo what has been done but I can hear my children’s truth. Do you want to know the truth? Can you hear it without justifying or denying your actions/reactions, or words? The fallen angels have been speaking for a long time. Who is listening? We all want to know that our feelings matter but children especially need to know that. The common thing that I hear from addicts is how they never could do life well enough for their families; it was never enough to just be themselves. The pressures of perfection or rather the illusions of perfection led to a lot of emotional pain. I am guilty of doing this to my own children with words/actions that implied they needed to achieve this or look this way or behave that way. I would never allow someone to tell me who I am so why would I do that to my children? The problem is that it meant them being who I wanted them to be and not who they needed to discover that they were. My children, especially Ryan, did not fail me. I failed them with my inability to see, hear and learn. I have been an illusion of perfection as has everyone else but addicts make it easy for some of us to appear to be good regardless of whether or not our hearts were in the right place.
There is a young man that Ashlee spends time working with. He is a lost angel who is dangerously close to being lost in the valley of the fallen angels forever. He has stated that in his family he is the outcast. Perhaps his circle of heavell does not feel that way about him but in his life he has developed the belief that he is; by their words and actions/reactions. I wish I could say that he is a rarity but he is not. He, as well as too many to count, express this as their position in the family. Ryan knows how this young man feels because Ryan believes he is the outcast in our family. He felt that way long before he became an addict. How is it possible that both of these young men have very similar feelings while living completely different lives from completely different backgrounds? There is nothing worse than being alone in a room full of people; especially when the people are your family. Unhappiness does not discriminate as it binds together in a group those who are lost in their pain. Children learn to believe in themselves as well as how to cope by the adults in their lives. These are not things we are born knowing how to do; they are learned behaviors. Do not justify, deny, lie, fail to listen, see and learn if you do not want your children to do those things. At some point our children stop hearing us and begin to listen to other children who feel as they do. We taught them that. We led them there by behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow all the while expecting them to listen even though we don’t. Ashlee talks with this young man using those painful lessons that she learned from Ryan. She is leading this young man away from hell by helping him to learn what his feelings are; the discovery of the value of his personal emotional definitions. Everything happens for a reason even if those reasons are not clear. Have you ever felt or do you now feel as if you are a disappointment to someone? How did or does that feel? Are you sharing that on your circle? Not being heard or seen leads us to find the group that does understand us. No one knows if they will become an addict until they try something and find the relief that is needed. Drugs or alcohol or things or people are not the problem but they are far easier to blame than it is to look in the mirror. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do, sometimes in secret. I am in the group Parents of Drug Addicts; it is only one part of me. I am a circle of heavell as is everyone else. It means that I am heaven in some ways and hell in others. The test of addiction brings to light the real truth. We can all do this better by doing as we say. Treat others, especially your children, as you would have them treat you otherwise we will continue to reap what we have sown; unhappily ever after people. Its not about not having expectations. It is, however, about not having illusions of perfection. The greatest teachers in my life have been my children because my mistakes opened the door to hell and I needed their help to find a way out. I cannot tell you that you should be here nor can anyone else. You are your guide out of hell but you will need to listen, feel and see yourself, your addict, as well as everyone else on your circle of heavell. Disappointment in others is the friend of the snake and leads to his other friends, denial and justification. Don’t listen and don’t bite those apples because the cost is every soul on your circle of heavell.
To the fallen angel from years past. Thank you for letting Heavell know that you are standing. What is done cannot be undone but the future holds possibilities because every dream matters. We are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people with heavenly expectations while living in illusions of perfection. You are not defined by one part, addiction, but are defined as a whole. Be a circle of heavell that sees, hears and learns. You are your guide out of hell. Breathe and step forward leaving hell behind.
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