Imagine all or some or one of the people on the circle of heavell holding a sign that states where you should be. If those trails are not clear, those signs might be misleading. Even if they are clear, we still don’t always end up where they direct us. After all, where you want me to be may not be where I want to go or should go. Where I am definitely might not be the right answer for an addict or another non-addict. We are all different people with our own diverse feelings. No one should tell you where you should be in your life nor control how you get there. I cannot decide what is right for you. I can only tell you how I believe I got here and what currently is my knowledge of this hell. “You should be here” is a green truth. This life has many trails that lead to many things, behaviors and coping that can either lift you up or bring you down as well as others. The real truth is that you are your own guide out of hell and this is going to go as well as you put into it; reap what you sow. A father who had asked for my input on his son’s addiction had told me that his son should be grateful that he is alive. I had pointed out that if he were capable of being grateful, he wouldn’t have almost died. The father then proceeded to tell me that the family would decide what was best. The truth hurts but if we don’t look at it, we will achieve the same outcome today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow. Denial is the friend of the snake and one of the apples that we all bite from. At times though, denial prevents the breaking of ourselves which makes it seem almost justifiable. I am not emotionally attached to this man’s son so I am not affected by his inability to be grateful. I am however affected by my son’s inabilities as well as the rest of the people on my circle. How do you feel when someone else makes choices that affect your life? Are you guilty of doing that too? Because addicts are just like you and me, we should be the people we want them to be; do as I say and as I do.
Did Ryan take those pain pills that he was given after he had his tonsils out? Sometimes we just know the truth about things without always having the proof. He wasn’t grateful for being alive despite that terrible ordeal of overdosing. I thought he should be, those were my feelings, but he wasn’t and those were his feelings. What’s the problem? Just do as I say. Were those pills the beginning of the fall back into hell? He certainly found relief from his emotional pain via drugs but they were merely the things he used to run from those feelings and thoughts. The real culprit of his drug use was his inability to cope well. A couple of weeks later, an addict made a choice that didn’t just affect Ryan, but actually devastated him. There is always an excuse to use but some moments almost seem justifiable. The addict was drunk and walking in the road towards oncoming traffic. It was a dark night with no lighting and the individual had on dark clothing. Ryan did not see that person until a moment before he hit him/her. The person flew up onto the vehicle and then into the windshield. Ryan stopped immediately and screamed for help. He kneeled praying over that person until help arrived. Via a blood test, Ryan was proven not to be under the influence of anything. Perhaps that addict was grateful to be alive but the visual of that night made Ryan wish he himself was not. Many times over the years, others had made decisions that affected him negatively. The justification of those choices led to Ryan’s belief that his feelings did not matter because someone else’s feeling were always more important. He then became just like everyone else by justifying his choices. If it’s good enough for me then it is good enough for you. Ultimately after that night, he went running back to the place where pain did not rule him and he felt heard; the valley of the fallen angels. Imagine if all or some or even one person on the circle of heavell held up a sign for you that said, “You should be here”. Would you want to be there? Would you be or have you been aware of how it affects others? Addicts and non-addicts are really very much the same.
Now you see me now you don’t. Illusions of perfection. The valley of the fallen angels. Denial is only one of the apples the snake wants you to bite. A tree can bring down a whole forest. Here a lie, there a lie, everywhere there are lies. I hate drugs but the poster child loves them. Little boxes of feelings. You should be here because I said so. Deserted streets of a soul. Once upon a dream. Just like you. Some people just appear to be good but the mirror knows the real truth. Your choices almost seem justifiable.
Is today a good day or a bad day? Some days I am completely strong in my determination to win the game against addiction as is every parent whose dream has become a fallen angel. On the days that I feel overwhelmed or lost, fear makes it hard for me to breathe. I think that those days are affected by Ryan’s attitude and or by my attitude. When I have a bad day, I am able to recognize that it will pass. Ryan’s bad days can lead to a host of issues that can include death. I have developed an attitude of never give up and also one of acceptance that death continues to lurk in the shadows; the extreme conflict of the two keeps me in a heightened state at times. I have stood next to too many parents whose battle was ended by death. There is no peace when a fallen angel is lost forever because questions, hopes and dreams remain unanswered for eternity. I am plagued by the “what ifs” that play repeatedly in my mind. I belong to the parents of drug addicts group and yet there is also some small part of me in the parents of gone forever addicts group. It has been very hard to not linger in a mourning state when I turn and look at the past; at what could have been. My expectations versus the realities have been in conflict on more than one occasion. Sometimes I still hope to wake up and find that none of this is the truth but merely a nightmare while sleeping. When actuality sets in, I feel the fear spreading throughout my body that if the behavior of everyone on the circle of heavell does not change, tomorrow will be the same as today as it was yesterday. I do not want live that way anymore and that fuels my fear that we won’t get out until Ryan actually does die. Addicts and non-addicts are really very much the same because accountability and change is almost impossible for everyone to implement. We lead angels to where they fall and we lead angels to where they stand. We do this individually and as a whole. Ironically my ex-husband has become one of my best supporters. We frequently did not agree when our children were young and rarely spoke. Today we talk every few days or so. He always supports my decisions while still offering help and advice as best as he can. My father has also been an amazing supporter of mine as well as Ryan’s. I have needed that belief in me because I cannot do this alone. I never could have imagined that I would have to reach deep within myself to find the strength of an army to stand against the devastation that hell has brought. On the days I do not want to be that strong or can’t look in the mirror, I try to be kind to myself by taking care of me. It is not denial to turn away from the mirror but a survival mode to keep from being destroyed. What does not kill us still breaks us but with lessons learned, we can evolve to being stronger.
I have a new friend who works for a rehabilitation center. He is the first person that parents encounter when searching for that perfect place to end addiction for their dream. He is a former addict who has risen from his fall. He is a parent. He understands my fears as well as my pain. His story is filled with suffering and a laughter that is so infectious, I felt like I had known him for years. He imparted his thoughts and feelings of his life as well as his addiction to me as the son of a mother who has been where I am now. He is the hope that parents of drug addicts are looking for; a dream that was lost but has returned. He has remorse for the pain and choices of the past. He believes in the strength of his mother as having been a part of his ability to stand. Parents are crucial in the fight against addiction because we are the ones who help to lead our children into or out of hell. I, however, also believe that he should be celebrated because addiction is only one part of him and not the whole sum of him. I am the mother of a drug addict but I am so much more than that. While addiction lurks in the shadows of my life, I have suffered and laughed with all my might through out all of my time for many good and bad reasons. It is important that I do not allow addiction to cause me to be lost as well. I have other children who need for me to love, laugh and fight for them as often as possible too. This new friend and I are very much alike because we have failed to see that we are each, individually, made up of a full circle of heavell with addiction being only one part of us. We are real people living in heaven or hell on any given day; many times its both.
I breathe when you breathe but I can breathe on my own too. I am real. I am a circle of heavell. The green truth and the real truth are not the same. Denial is not a friend. My little boxes of feelings. The snake speaks. Everybody agrees. A dream became a nightmare and then a dream again. Today is the same as tomorrow as yesterday was. The fallen angel is still fallen. Some people appear to be good. Are you there drugs? It’s me, a mother and so much more.
At no time when my children were young did I ever feel fear for them. There were times when I was worried during illnesses or exchanges with my ex-husband but not fearful. At some point after the discovery of Ryan’s drug use, I became incredibly frightened. I had never felt so powerless as I did during that time. It was impossible to breathe everyday. It was impossible to be responsible for everything. After Ryan had overdosed and stayed on the ventilator for 15 days, I had moved from fear to acceptance of the end. When he had awaken, I had rejoiced. After his release from the hospital, Ryan was monitored by a physical therapist, saw the pulmonologist, and spent time with my dad. I had continued my job throughout the ordeal but had given notice about a month or so after Ryan came home. I was worried about him. The jubilation I had felt was ebbing away. The belief that his overdosing had scared him straight no longer felt like a reality. There wasn’t anything in particular that I could put my finger on but I had felt nervous. A week after I had become a housewife again, my husband encouraged me to take another job offered to me by a different company where his friend worked. I overrode those feelings of nervousness I had about Ryan and accepted that new position. It had meant being gone for many hours each day as well as balancing the life of my youngest. I had not needed that job. I do not know why my husband wanted me to take it or why I had accepted it. It was one of the biggest mistakes I made early on; not trusting my feelings instead of listening to someone else.
Several months later, Ryan had become ill and needed to have his tonsils removed immediately due to a serious infection. The surgery was scheduled for a Monday in September. After the surgery, the doctor had prescribed him antibiotics as well as pain pills, despite my objection. Ryan as an adult was able to choose to use them. We had argued in the car on the way home. I can still remember the anger on his face and my feelings of anger even though it was ten years ago. I had made him promise me not to use those pills unless he had too. I was still of the belief that my words carried more weight than his feelings or needs had. I had failed to recognize that if I was behaving as I had in the past then he was also likely doing the same thing. Some might say I was in denial but I had tended to repeat my normal all the while expecting a different outcome. By behaving that day as I had in the past, as well as everyone else, our decent into hell again was an assured event. I had never been powerful enough to prevent drug use. It had been the whole circle of heavell that had had the power but it was only Ashlee and I who were trying to stop it. By not being involved with Ryan through conversations and activities, the non-believers were as guilty of the failings as we supposedly were. It is easy to stand united at an intervention. It is easy to demand change. It is incredibly hard to actually show up and demonstrate to an addict that they are important. Even to this day, many non-believers will ask Ryan how he is but will never ask how he feels about something or what he thinks about anything. They never bother to make him a priority all the while showing up for others; leaving him with the sense that he does not matter. Not everyone is capable of fighting this fight but judgement has no place in this by those who do not actually do any work. I have heard non-believers speak of their anger over the fallen angel’s drug use however Ryan has not always been an addict and yet their behavior has always been the same. Why do some people fail to be accountable for their choices? Why do some people justify their behavior but do not believe anyone else is justified in theirs? Addiction is not convenient in the illusions of perfection.
Later that same day, I had left town with my husband and Taylor. I had not wanted to and yet I had to. I was scheduled for surgery the next morning in another city where I was donating a kidney to a friend. I had felt that fear creeping back into my heart as we drove away but I had pushed it aside because there was nothing that I could have done at that point. I was torn because I had felt my son needed me but I had made a promise to my friend and her family. Ashlee followed us a few hours later which had left Ryan on his own to recover with or without those pain pills.
Illusions of perfection are just illusions. The real truth and the green truth are not the same. Addicts are just like you. Welcome to hell. I will see you in the valley of the fallen angels. Here a lie, there a lie, everywhere there are lies. A dream became a nightmare then a dream and then a nightmare again. Little boxes of feelings. I scream, you scream, we all scream. To the non-believers. Behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow, is why we are in hell. The tree brought down the forest. You can run but you cant hide because the mirror will find you.
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