Feelings are the driving force behind all behaviors whether they are good or bad. We use drugs, alcohol, or BLAH as coping tools not knowing when we start, if we are going to be able to stop or will even want to. The more a coping tool is cathartic, the better the relief and thus the more we are willing to run from our emotional pain. When reality comes rushing in, so does that suffering, and more is then needed to find the release from it. When this had first begun, drugs enraged me in a manner that I never thought was possible for me to feel. Drugs brought me to my knees, stole my poster child, and adversely affected my other children; they placed us in hell. As the situation continued, my feelings of rage expanded from drugs to the experts who had said to talk to my children about them, to those who are tasked with keeping the drugs out of this country and to Mexico with its drug cartels who are supplying the drugs to our children. Eventually those feelings settled on all those who had an opinion or judgement and yet were not willing to show up to do the work that was needed; the non-believers. Talking to kids about drugs is a green truth. All of the parents that I have spoken with have stated that they did speak to their children about drugs. Just like myself, they were dumbfounded as to how they were now dealing with an addict after doing as the experts have claimed is the answer to prevention. If it were the answer, then why are we in an epidemic? If it works, then why would anyone ever start? Not stop? Are there really that many dreams not fit for survival? Just because it was the answer of yesterday, does not mean it was the right answer then nor the right one for today; behaving so is the reason why we are here. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do; sometimes in secret. Talking about drugs with children and the consequences of them, is our opinion based on our knowledge. However, children believe they are invincible, no one knows they will be an addict until they start and per the experts, rebellion is a natural part of a teen’s development towards maturity. Do as I say not as I do makes us hypocrites. Do not lie if you do not want your children to. Do not lack accountability if you do not want your children to. I talked repeatedly to my children about not doing drugs. I, however, did not listen to nor understand that their feelings were the most critical factor in the prevention of drug use. It is their feelings that drive them towards cathartic tools not my words that prevent it. Do not fail to hear your children if you want them to hear you. Do not fail to see your children if you want them to see you. We cannot continue to repeat the past expecting a different outcome. Everyone listens to the snake and bites the apples and the price is our dreams. We cannot undo what has been done but we can learn from the past, by not repeating it, which leads to change for tomorrow. Every dream here and gone matters.
Yesterday I had lunch with a friend who has a young child. During our conversation, she relayed all things she is doing to help her son and to prevent his following the path of addiction that has plagued that family. She has him in counseling in order to deal with those life traumas; no matter how big or how small. She talks with and listens to him. She has shared her emotional pain with him as well as her traumas in words that are age appropriate. All of these things are excellent choices in communication and the understanding of each of their feelings. I asked her if she has shared with her son how she is now coping with her emotional pain. The pain in her eyes said more than her words. She has acknowledged her pain but she has not coped with it other than by removing the person who is responsible for it from her life; she is still suffering. How will her son cope with his suffering if he does not see her and hear her as she goes through the process? My children know that I made mistakes in this; huge ones. They also know that I am a hypocrite if I ask them to change, to do this better, when I justify my behavior just because I am the adult. We lead angels to where they fall. I think often about that police officer who told me to let Ryan go because he had let his daughter go. His need to behave today as yesterday as he will probably do in the future has cost him his dream. I may still lose my fallen angel in this hell but it won’t be because I had to justify my behavior at all costs. What we can or cannot do for our addicts is based upon our individual abilities and is not open to judgement from anyone; especially the non-believers. What we can do is work on ourselves. We can learn to know our feelings and their feelings. We can value us and them. On the circle of heavell in your life and in mine, everyone affects everyone whether good or bad. We can change just as we ask them to because we are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people. Addicts and non-addicts are really the same because we all justify, judge and avoid the accountability of the things that the mirror sees in all of us. You are your guide out of hell and only you can do work while hoping that you are leading your fallen angels to do this better as well. Do as you say not as you pretend to do; never be that right because it will cost you your dream.
How do you feel? How do you cope? What can you learn to do better? The fallen angels have been speaking for a long time. They are dying because we behave today as we did yesterday as we will justify tomorrow. We cannot undo what has been done. For our sins no matter how big or how small. Addicts and non-addicts are the same. The circle of heavell. Tricks are not just for drugs. The snake speaks. Mirror, mirror just tell the truth because every dream matters. I scream, you scream, we all scream and nothing changes. The green truths.
There was a letter to the editor in the newspaper last week, written by a “former” addict, who suggested the consideration that those who overdose should not be saved per Darwin’s Theory of Natural Selection. This person stated that he or she had been an addict for a brief time but had chosen to get it together as all addicts must do. I surmised from the writer’s choice of words, and my emotional definitions of those words, that all dreams that have died or will die were essentially not fit for survival; therefore not truly a loss. Initially I was surprised that there was a person who felt that way until I realized that that thought process is very common; the remedy to the inconvenience of addicts. I thought about the police officer who told me to let my son go. I thought about the medical professionals who have all but said that Ryan is an addict so he doesn’t really matter; justifying their poor treatment of him based upon his poor treatment of himself. I pondered those young men who tried to dump his body after he had overdosed as if he were nothing. I reflected on the non-believers who would prefer I turn away from Ryan rather than fight to help him save himself; not a single one has ever told Ryan to keep up the good fight. I even contemplated the fallen angels that are no more, the ones I personally knew, who overdosed, committed suicide or died because of an illness developed through addiction. I considered the behavior of the president of another country who justifies and applies the death penalty to addicts. I thought about the inventor of the drug used to turn overdoses around, called Narcan, who lost his stepson to an overdose. Most of all I thought about how different the past eleven years would have been if Ryan had died from his overdose. I would not be here. I would not have looked in the mirror. I would not have met all the amazing people who have taught me so much about life, love and pain through their battles with addiction for themselves or their children or their loved ones. In essence all my children, each of those people and this hell has helped me to become a better person. This means that perfectly, irritatingly, messy people are here to teach us as well as learn from us. By behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow is why we are here with addiction growing everyday. The green truth is that it is the addicts fault for not getting it together or at least appearing to be good. The real truth is we all did this by believing we don’t have to be accountable for our role on the circle of heavell.
Last week, via an overdose, Heavell lost a dream . This young woman was a friend of Ashlee’s from several years back. The last time Ashlee had spoken to her, she had been hiding in a closet after surviving a trauma; one of many in her life. She left behind a young child. A child that, despite having a father to take care of him, is now a victim of addiction. I wonder if when he grows up, he will understand that his mother was not fit for survival and be okay with that. I fear that he will feel as if a piece of him is missing and not be able to cope. Is it worse to lose a loved one to death quickly or to continually worry about death for years? How will each of the people who loved this dream cope? Will it be the same today as yesterday as tomorrow? Was she alone in death as she felt in life? Happy people do not alter their state of being. Unhappy people do, coping through substances that provide them relief from their pain, no matter what the cost may be. Treat others how you would want to be treated because if it is good enough for them, it is good enough for you. Would you want me to decide for you whether your child or loved one gets to survive or not? Get out of hell or not? Look in the mirror and see your role, then turn and look at every other position. There are people who consistently push against Ryan and other addicts because they do not want them to get out of hell. They don’t really care about my dream, your dream or anyone else’s dream even though they appear to be good. Trick’s are not just for drugs. They are also for people which makes this hell so much worse. The concept of Darwin’s Natural Selection, as apparently so many feel is the remedy for addicts, was never meant to be affected or influenced by humans; especially those who lack accountability for their own role on the circle of heavell. The deaths of addicts will never remove our sins no matter how big nor how small. Everyone listens to the snake while biting the apples and the mirror sees it all.
Prayers to the family and friends of the young woman from last week and any other dream who is no longer here. All of the fallen angels have impacted us. We see the greatness of each of those dreams and feel the loss of them too. We cannot undo what has been done but because of your presence we can change tomorrow. You are our guides out of hell but it is up to us to choose to listen.
People often talk about the achievements of their children. Achievements are concrete things that are easily seen and understood; they are not a measure of happiness. What no person has ever said to me is whether or not their children are happy nor whether or not they are coping well in life. Why is that? If I ask someone if his or her child is happy, the parent usually looks surprised and replies yes. We make assumptions that the attainment of jobs, education, vacations, houses, vehicles, clothes and BLAH leads to happiness but they do not. They are certainly important and can remove some of the stress in life but they are in no way an indication of how someone is actually coping emotionally. How we see and hear ourselves, as well as others, is an indication of our coping skills and our happiness level. Concrete items are the green truth. They are found in the cliff notes in life. We want these things and we need these things but they can never meet our emotional needs; using them as a definition of ourselves is why we are here. We can be in a room full of people, having the best of BLAH and still be as lonely as we are in an empty house. Everyday we affect others in positive and negative manners that carry far greater weight than any concrete item ever will. On the circle of heavell you are either a part of the solution or a part of the problem. Your achievements will not remove your accountability for that. Once at a holiday party a woman, that my husband and I know, ran around whispering to all the other people about me. What she said I do not know. What she did though was encourage these other people to mistreat me. The snake spoke and the apples were eaten. Everyone is doing it however just because you can does not mean you should. Her conscious choice, as well as the behaviors of the others, spoke volumes about who they truly were versus who they appear to be. Education, money, clothes, religion, charitable donations, BLAH will never make wrong behavior right; appearing to be good based on concrete items does not actually make you good nor happy. I am an adult and it took a lot of strength to stand and smile despite what was being done. I walked away from that situation maintaining who I am and made the easy choice to never interact with any of those people again. How do we expect children or even the fallen angels to stand through such common behavior? We lead people to where they are while justifying our own behavior. Do as I say not as I do. The mirror knows the real truth about everyone but it is much easier for people to point fingers at someone else in order to prevent the truth about them from being seen.
I had the honor of meeting two perfectly, irritatingly, messy young men over the weekend who welcomed me with open arms and big smiles. Both young men were very articulate about their observations in life. Each has faced their own personal traumas and coped in their own personal ways. One is a recovering addict and the son of a dear friend. Neither of them was aware that I am the parent of an addict until I told them so. These young men are very aware of how parents/others perceive and feel about addicts. They have faced judgement repeatedly. My son is also very conscious of how others feel about him. As their mothers, we are also painfully aware of everyone else’s feelings besides having our own. All of it requires an emotional balancing act in order to understand and support the entire circle of heavell; unfortunately that often opens the door to judgement. Judgement is the justification of one’s behavior in reaction to another’s behavior and requires no effort at all. There is a difference between judgement and opinion. I can tell you that the non-believers have never taken the time to find out why my son became an addict but they certainly judged him for it. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do. I can tell you that not one of them has ever told him to keep up the good fight whether he was sober or not. Ryan is an inconvenience in the world of green truths as are these two young men. Addicts’ behaviors make it easy for others to appear to be good; illusions of perfection. It is never convenient to hear or see others because it requires work; something not found in the cliff notes of life. Treat others as you would have them treat you because if it is good enough for them then it certainly is good enough for you. Take the time to look in the mirror. Did you feel heard when you were young? Have you encountered the judgement of others? How did that feel? Are you a judger? Do you believe that behaving today as you did yesterday as you will justify in the future is the path out of hell? We are frustrated and hurt by the repeat behavior of addicts, the relapses, and yet as non-addicts we do exactly the same thing. I once pointed out to a family member that he consistently repeated a behavior that affected me adversely despite my asking him to stop on a multitude of occasions. He of course denied and then justified his behavior. Non-addicts and addicts are really the same. We reap what we sow in small and big ways all the while justifying our behavior while judging/blaming others for theirs.
The fallen angels are speaking. Do you hear or do you justify? Look to the mirror for the truth. The snake speaks and non-addicts bite the apples too. Some people appear to be good but it is an illusion of perfection. To the non-believers. Your behavior tells the truth about you. Tricks are not just for drugs. For our sins big and small. The circle of heavell. We all have dreams and they all matter. Now you see me, now you don’t because it is not convenient. We lead people to where they are and then blame them for it. I am your guide in hell but only you can do the work to get out. When you breathe I breathe.
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