I have had a person in my life who has spent a lifetime trying to convince me that everyone else is better or more important than I am. That person’s happiness or unhappiness was my responsibility. I am not a child and yet this was a hell that was impossible to navigate. As adults we have the ability to “walk away” from people who hold us accountable for their very own actions and reactions. What if, though, it’s a child being held accountable for an adult’s inability to cope, parent or lead well? Have you ever had a bad moment where you snapped at your child or another because you were frustrated or angry? Were you aware of what you were doing? I have done this by taking my feelings and projecting them on to my children. I sent them the message that I was angry with them while the truth was that I was frustrated with someone else or even myself. Children do not have the ability to recognize that what adults are expressing is not necessarily what they deserve . I never meant to send my children mixed messages but I did. Mixed messages create weaknesses not only in those individual trees but also in the whole forest. Adults justify their behavior, especially bad behavior, all the time and yet we expect children to behave as we say not as we do. If they are not entitled to their feelings then neither are we; feelings belong to all humans not just adults. We lead our children to where they are. It has been incredibly painful to look in the mirror at myself and recognize my failings; my sins. My behavior and words created conditional love. That person who held me accountable for his/her happiness and unhappiness was more obvious by actions but I did the same thing to my children. Some people make it easy for others to appear to be good. My children followed me into hell because I behaved so and I said so. Treat others as you would have them treat you because if it’s good enough for them then it is good enough for you.
I am sure that the outpatient and inpatient rehab counselors had tried to get me to understand the importance of how I communicated. The problem is that it requires so much more understanding than using the simple statement of “when you do this, I feel this…”. When we listen to others we must do so with the understanding that their emotional definitions are valid too. I am guilty of being “passionate” although my children would more likely tell you that I have been angry. No matter what has happened around me or to me, the truth is that my fear, my anger has been an expression of my inability to cope well; much like an addict using drugs. I was too busy proving that my feelings were right resulting in a failure to hear myself and my children. Words hold a lot of feelings for me as they do for everyone else; they just might not be felt or expressed in the same manner. In conditional relationships, only my feelings matter but in unconditional ones, everyone’s feelings matter. I have discovered how hard it is to hear others when I haven’t really even heard myself. In order for me to be able to hear what I have done wrong I have had to be open to the fact that I was wrong; without a single justification. If I justify my behavior then so can everyone else, especially an addict. Saying I am sorry, when someone tells me he or she feels hurt by my words or actions, is not an admission of guilt. It is an acknowledgement of the other person’s pain and the need to be more aware. If we love our families then why would we ever want them to hurt? To not be seen and heard? My being sorry about yesterday cannot undo what has happened because it has passed and the damage is done. I can work on today and I can work towards change for tomorrow. I must change what has been my normal because it is not good enough for me nor for my children. I am one person on the circle of heavell and I am powerful enough to effect the whole circle. My children are the ones who showed me that I, in part, lead them into hell. We are perfectly, irritatingly, messy people. It has never been convenient to see or hear anyone but we must if we ever hope to get out of hell. Change is hard, especially when we are talking about truly hearing others. We cannot say we are sorry or admit wrongs and then continue to repeat the same behaviors. We are here because we have failed to see, to hear and to change; to be accountable.
When Ryan woke up, he had wanted to know if he really was awake or if he was still dreaming. During that 15 day unresponsive state, he had dreamed that he had lived a multitude of lives, dying in each one. He told me that he had been searching for me in those dreams but was never able to find me. We did not understand what he had been through; the result of his choice to use the drugs that had almost ended his life permanently. He was completely oblivious to what we had been through. Everyone had been traumatized but each of us had our very own personal feelings about that horrible time in hell. How could we understand each other if we do not see and feel the same things? The problem with the circle is that each person believes their view and their feelings are the right one; the only one. Unity cannot be found if we do not try to understand and accept the importance of every view and every feeling. We have the ability to lift up or to destroy each position on the circle of heavell with our choices; our actions and reactions. We all assumed that because of that trauma, drugs would never be a part of our lives again. If each of us behaves today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow, the results will be the same; reap what you sow.
Once upon a dream is still a nightmare. Now you see me now you don’t. Denial is our friend. One life is still for sale. Green truths. Some people appear to be good. Treat others as you would have them treat you. Why don’t you understand that when you do this, I feel this? Tricks are not just for drugs. You scream, I scream and nothing changes. To the non-believers. You can run but you can’t hide because the mirror sees you too.
The first time I had become conscious of the fact that dreams overdose and die, was several years ago. Ashlee was dating a young man who had used drugs. I been unaware of his coping skills until his death brought them to the front. When he walked in the door at my house, it was as if the sun rose and set with him. His personality had been big and his smile even bigger. His laughter was infectious. His family by all appearances was a loving and caring one; “they were one of the good ones” just like we were. Yet that dream, that poster child had serious emotional pain that he had used drugs to run from. When Ashlee realized he was self-medicating again, she went to the family to warn them. She then had told her boyfriend that she couldn’t be with him if he was using drugs. He decided that night he was going to party just one more time. His mother had found him the next morning in his bed; dead from an overdose. For months, if not years, Ashlee believed that she should have, could have, done more to save him. I am sure his mother had felt the same way. If he had only done as she had said, as his mother had said, as others had said. His death created trauma in many people. Years later we lost another young man from another accidental overdose. We had known him for most of his life. He had a big smile and a friendly personality too. He had also suffered greatly from emotional pain; the common denominator amongst unhappy people who alter their state of being. At his funeral his father told me that his fallen angel had died doing what he had loved most; drugs. No, he had died using drugs to cope while dreaming of being seen by his father. Both in life and death, his father was determined to be right. He was not responsible for his dream having chosen to cope via drugs but he was responsible for having taught him that his feelings and needs did not matter. Children are perfectly, inconvenient, irritatingly, messy people who suffer small and big traumas. The green truth is we expect them to do as we say not as we do. The real truth is coping well through adversity, any traumas, is a learned behavior. The valley of fallen angels is filled because we continue to behave today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow all the while justifying our behavior. Now you see me, now you don’t. It is not convenient to see or hear others but every dream on the circle of heavell deserves for us to do just that; including ourselves. Victims can and do grow up to be monsters.
Every day I meet people who have been affected by addiction whether they recognize it or not; whether it is themselves or not. At times it involves drug addicts but usually it involves alcoholics. Addiction is addiction whether the source is legal or not. It does not discriminate because it loves all pain equally. Often alcoholics will tell me they are fine, or that they are just unwinding or just partying or it is good for them to have a glass of wine. Somehow they believe they are different, nay better, than drug addicts but that is a green truth. Failing to cope well results in unhappy people who alter their state of being; sometimes in secret. Drugs and alcohol can and do destroy people; just in different time frames and distinct ways. I know of a teenager who sneaks alcohol from her parent’s cabinets. She has stated she will never use drugs and yet she is on her way to coping in life as an alcoholic. She was lead there. I know another young lady who did the same as a teenager and still copes that way as an adult. She was lead to where she has fallen. Another was a drug addict who now drinks instead because it’s legal; because it is somehow more acceptable. I know a mother who was devastated over her son’s drug use all the while drinking not just one drink a day but many drinks every day. We can justify and or blame others but the mirror knows the real truth about all of us. Do not lie if you do not want your children to lie. Do not cope with the help of any substance that alters your state of being if you do not want your children to. We make our normal our children’s normal. To all the non-believers; addicts and non-addicts are very much the same because we all fail to cope well.
Ryan’s waking up and breathing on his own was indeed a miracle. It was a testament of the determination that he had, the mad skills of those doctors and even of my ex’s resolution to save Ryan. I had thought many times over that past year that I had felt every emotion possible. There had been so many devastating traumas since this had begun. There had been moments filled with hope and with the loss of faith. Every time I thought I had this, something would happen to place everything out of control again. I had never felt so much fear that translated into rage as I did from the beginning of our knowledge of his drug use to his overdosing. I had not been able to stand and at other times I was a warrior. He had coped by running from his pain and it had almost cost him his life. I had coped by believing that my definitions held the same meaning for him as they did for me as they did for my daughters. That is a green truth. We know the definitions of words but we do not feel the same way about them as individuals, as males and females, as families and as groups; we then react according to those feelings. Drugs tricked us in to believing they were the problem. If only Ryan had done what we had said rather than what we did then he would have never listened to the snake and bit the apple. It’s your fault not mine. The tree brought the whole forest down because if everyone was doing their job on the circle of heavell then no one would cope by altering their state of being. A miracle creates a sense of heaven; that hell has been left behind. Addiction is tricky though and it loves all pain equally especially when only the addict is expected to change.
Tricks are not just for drugs. They are for addiction too. To all the non-believers. You are a part of the problem. The mirror knows the real truth but we prefer green truths. Just like you. We all dream dreams but nightmares are the normal. Victims turn into monsters. I am your guide in hell but only you can get yourself out of it. Miracles feel like heaven. My poster child is alive. The snake and the apples. You can run but your little boxes of feelings will always be there. When you breathe I breathe. The fallen angel has something to say. Are you listening? Oh mirror, mirror why are there so many unhappy people?
Everyone behaves today as they did yesterday and as they will tomorrow. There is comfort in that consistency until conflict arises that challenges those expectations. If your child has done as you said, then you will develop the presumption of that. Young children tend to do as we say because we are in the position of power with them. At some point though, as the pressures of our expectations as well as outside influences mount, he or she will deviate from the behaviors that we have come to know. They will NOT behave today as they did yesterday; sometimes in secret. They are coping as well as they can without necessarily having the emotional intelligence to do so. I am guilty of having the assumptions that my words, my thoughts carried the same weight, the same importance, as they did when my children were young. The problem with that expectation was that it failed to take into account the influences of others as well as the very personal emotional definitions that each of my children were developing on their own. As conflicts emerged that affected them and ultimately us, I continued to react today as I had yesterday expecting the same outcome. When the outcome wasn’t the same, my frustration level rose, resulting in the response of just do as I say! I had failed to cope well with the changes in them. Children are perfectly, irritatingly, messy people. The green truth is that I was and still am a very involved parent. The real truth is that it takes so much more than just being involved. We have to embrace the inconvenience of them as well as allow them to become who they are; not who we think or want them to be. Not acknowledging the importance of their thoughts and feelings was my failure not theirs. I have lead my dreams to where they are today. How difficult would it be to change a behavior in me that I had become comfortable with? What does it imply to my children if I expect them to change or adjust and yet I failed to do so? Ryan and I are very much the same but my behaviors imply I am the good one; the one who copes well. His behaviors just make it easy for others to appear to be good.
Recently a woman I know was arrested for a DUI. She has addiction problems with alcohol but has always made sure to not drive while under the influence. For whatever reason this time she chose to drive, placing herself and others at risk. Her behavior, her choice was wrong. She has failed to cope well affected by whatever happened in her life. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do. She justifies her behavior as does everyone else. She had been released from the jail in the middle of the night. She had no idea where she was having never been there before. The employees of that jail did not respond to her questions of where she was. Unfortunately this is not an uncommon story. She was there because of her behavior however they used her choice to justify their bad behavior. She is unaware of how her actions affects others and so are these employees. Neither is able to see that someone could get hurt by any one of those choices. Addicts and non-addicts are very much the same. Every day we make choices that affect others. When it is pointed out that a behavior affects someone, more often then not, the behavior is justified. If you had not been here then I would not have done this. If you had not acted this way then I would not have acted that way. It is your fault not mine is the common theme amongst all of us. I have asked, pleaded and threatened addicts and non-addicts to stop behaving in ways that affected me in an adverse manner. They have asked the same of me. None of us changed our behaviors because we felt justified in them. How is it possible that we could behave in ways that harm others or places them in harms way and justify it? How about when it involves someone we claim to love? Lack of accountability is a failure of ours to understand our role on the circle of heavell and the affects of the whole circle. A non-addict I know has often used the rationale that his choices are based off of his feelings of anger; not knowing what to do. He feels justified and yet he does not believe that anyone else is entitled to feel angry about his choices. He has failed to cope well and it is everyone else who needs to adjust or change. There is no vindication for the wrong behavior. The mirror knows the truth about all of us and holding others accountable for our choices won’t nullify that. We lead dreams to where they fall by behaving today as we did yesterday as we will continue to do so tomorrow. Tricks are definitely not just for drugs.
As I walked into Ryan’s ICU room, my father had smiled at me. I then stopped and looked at the doctor who was also smiling at me. No one said a word. I then turned and looked at Ryan expecting to see the same thing that I had seen everyday for 15 days. I had been completely unaware that the sound of the ventilator was gone. Instead of seeing the half-closed eyes I was use to, his eyes were wide open. All of the tubing that had gone into his mouth and nose had been removed. He mouthed the word mom at me as he was unable to speak because of his trache. He held his arms open so that I could hug him. I was completely stunned. He was AWAKE. Breathing on his own. During the time that it had taken for me to go home to get ready for work and drop my youngest off at school, the doctor had decided to try one more time to wean him off of that ventilator before the nursing home came to transport him. A minute prior to walking into that room, I had come to terms with ending his life in 6months to a year. “This is bad” had turned into “This is a miracle”. I walked towards him while saying “Look at you!”. Ryan had always been a go big or go home kid. He had gone big by fighting back and now he was coming home! That is the Ryan I know. He is my dream, my poster child who became a fallen angel.
When you breathe I breathe. Every dream matters. We tricked drugs. I belong to the group “Parents of Drug Addicts”. The snake tells lies. Don’t listen. Now you see me now you don’t. There is the green truth and then there is the real truth. Perfectly, Irritatingly, Messy People. The valley is filled with fallen angels. Everyone has little boxes of feelings. To all the non-believers. Addicts are Just Like You. Some people just appear to be good. Mirror, mirror just tell the truth. All three of my dreams have been my greatest teachers. They have also been my guides in the circle of heavell.
A dream begins once a child is born. Sometimes a dream’s life is planned for him or her. At other times the details are made along the way. Every person on the circle of heavell has a moment or a quantum of moments that affects the dream positively or negatively. That dream has its own need to be who he or she is that develops as the dream grows. Conflict can occur if the dream and the parents or others disagree. It is not our ability to love that determines the outcome of a relationship. It is our ability to face conflict together and separately that makes or breaks all relationships; even those with our dreams. Are you who you wanted to be? Is your dream who he or she wants to be? How was every little or big conflict handled? We lead angels, our dreams, to where they fall. I know a young father who stated before his child was born, that his dream would not play soccer once he or she was old enough. He does not like soccer nor the amount of time that parents put into their dreams playing it. So began his determination for his dream to be who he wants not actually who the dream is. Conflict before a dream has arrived; a determination to affect negatively. Dreams are wonderful and perfectly, irritatingly, messy people. Loving them means seeing them as well as hearing them; inconvenience as well as conflict is a part of having dreams.
There is a young dream who spends time at his mom’s house and his father’s house; there are step-parents. In one household he is ignored. In the other household he is treated as if he is the “bad angel”. Because of the very personal emotional definitions that each of the adults in his life have, their ability to cope is non-existent leaving that dream to pay for their sins. As that child, that tree, grows his behavior will reflect exactly the effort of the forest; ALL of the parents and step-parents. It matters not how these parents look, live or what they have. Education nor position nor religion nor money or the lack of does not change how parents affect dreams if they are not capable of bringing their best on the circle of heavell. Nor will those things prevent any of those parents from blaming that dream because he can’t cope; despite the fact that they taught him that. They will not look in the mirror and they will justify their behavior. Behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow is exactly why we are here. Over time that tree will fall. He will become a part of the valley of the fallen angels. The green truth is he will fail to do as they said. The real truth is he will do exactly what they have done. Tricks are not just for drugs. They are for all those who lack accountability on the circle of heavell. I will never forget the statement by Ryan’s lawyer in reference to “my house”: ” You don’t do drugs. You are a nice family”. It was easy for me to feel vindicated in that statement. The mirror, however, was not going to allow that green truth to be believed. Ryan fell because we ALL failed him; his parents and his step-parents. Appearing to be “good” does not remove the failings or sins of anyone; nor does it justify the blaming of others. Some people just make it easy for others to appear to be good. That young dream moving back and forth between those two homes is a victim; more than likely he will become a monster. My heart hurts for that dream, that poster child because the circle of heavell has sent him to hell. If we are going to hold that dream accountable for his fall in life then each of his parents must be held accountable for leading him there.
Ryan has been on the ventilator for 15 days. People who overdose, that end up on a ventilator, should be able to breathe on their own 1 or 2 or 3 days later. “This was bad”. He was alive because a machine was keeping him alive. He was stable and there was nothing more that could have been done for him in that ICU room. I had whispered to him to let go but he hadn’t. The doctors had told me that I needed to arrange for a long term care facility to take over his continued care. A peg needed to be placed in Ryan’s stomach so that the feeding tube in his nose could be removed. I made that call outside of his room after I had gone home to change for work. I remember feeling pleased that I had found a facility that I thought would take “good” care of Ryan. I cannot tell you what that feeling of being pleased meant. He had been frozen in time but I was going to have to go on. Afterwards I had stood outside of that doorway listening to the hum of the machines. My mind was thinking about how Ryan would have felt about being alive in that manner. He was not going to ever breathe on his own again. I had made the decision that 6 months to a year would be a reasonable amount of time to keep him in that state. I had not consulted his father nor either of his step-parents. Why? I had the belief that if you do not do the work then you have no opinion. I was the one who had always shown up. I had been the one at all those soccer, football, basketball and baseball games. I had been in the audience as he had received his awards at school for being an outstanding student. I had screamed the loudest for him. It was also me who had been held accountable by the others for his fall. At that moment I had not trusted that his other parents would have wanted to do what was best for Ryan; their past behaviors had led me to that thought. Ryan and I were very much the same. We both had felt failed by the other parents even though at the time I had failed to realize my role too. I had stepped into that room, looking first at my father, then the doctor and finally resting my eyes on Ryan…
You can run but you can’t hide from the mirror. Appearing to be good does NOT make you good. We all lead angels to where they fall. The snake speaks. We listen and agree. It’s your fault not mine. Tricks are not just for drugs. To all the non-believers. Denial is your friend so is the lack of accountability. Everybody’s dream matters. Stop behaving today as you did yesterday as you will tomorrow. For YOUR sins. He is my poster child. MINE. Victims do become monsters. Here a lie, there a lie, everywhere there are lies. Welcome to the valley of fallen angels. I am your guide in hell. Death has come to claim another soul. When you breathe I breathe. Little boxes of feelings. Are you there drugs? It’s me a mother.
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