Did you know he was using drugs? That question has been asked so many times of me that it should no longer surprise me but it still does. It frequently leaves me speechless because the question is so simple and yet the answer is as vast as the world is. I did not know the first time or even the twentieth time but there was a point where I was fully awake to the knowledge that Ryan was using drugs; that phone call from a police officer a year earlier. How does a parent explain the fall into hell to people who do not have first hand knowledge of a dream becoming an addict? How does a parent impart the understanding of all the pain, confusion, fear, anger and desperation that comes from living it; not reading or hearing or judging but living it? Perhaps if the non-believers actually understood, they would ask a different question. One that would lead to the accountability that everyone understood their role on the circle of heavell. A query that would actually lead to preventing and solving addiction. The green truth is that merely telling kids to not do drugs will prevent them from doing so. Or that telling them to stop once it has been discovered, will end it. Every day we are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people who have our own emotional definitions created from our own life experiences that lift up or destroy ourselves and others. A single tree can bring down a forest by exposing the weaknesses of the whole group. It is not our ability to love but our ability to face adversity together that determines the success or failure of all of us as individuals, families and groups. His doing drugs speaks volumes that cannot be answered in a simple manner. It is not a yes or no response. I had failed to realize he was not coping well before he turned to drugs and also after he began using them. Perhaps my answer to that question should be that drugs were the outlet for a poster child that was merely existing while failing to cope with his emotional pain. Does anyone really want to know that answer though?
Adversity is a part of our daily lives. At times it is simple and at times it can bring us to our knees. Most often it roles in volumes rather than in a single moment. Once addiction had become a part of our lives, each of us began to suffer from the traumas. Those disturbing experiences led to us wanting, nay demanding, that our needs be met. We were all afraid and angry. As single trees in our forest it was essential to find relief from the emotional strain that each of us felt. That adversity coupled with our individual emotional definitions divided us. We all wanted to be heard and helped. Ryan of course was at fault for bringing those traumas to our lives. He, however, was not responsible for the resulting exposure that we were all weak. We were incapable of facing adversity together; of not coping well just as he had not. It is so easy to blame the addict but the real truth is that we had already failed long before the angel had fallen. That fail was the result of our sins no matter how minute or quantitative. If we had all been doing the right job on the circle of heavell, one tree would never have tainted himself nor exposed the weaknesses of the forest. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do; sometimes in secret. People who cope well may falter when facing adversity but they do not fall. Do as I say not as I do, needing to be right, behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow is why we are here; why we will stay here as more dreams enter the valley of the fallen angels.
The pressure of this fell solely on me. For Ryan’s siblings, my husband, my ex, his wife, the doctors, the police, the BLAH, I was next in line for being responsible for all of it. I wish I could say that the inability to deal was the reason why so many people felt the need to blame only an individual or a single tree rather than the forest. It is true that for some the task is daunting but the reality is that the avoidance of accountability is the driving force for most. I have even stood in that position by blaming my ex-husband for his role as an addict. Surely he was at fault for this because I don’t do drugs nor do I even ever really have a drink. I have even felt that those who are tasked with keeping drugs off the streets were at fault for not preventing Ryan’s access to them. Or how about the first person who gave Ryan a pill in order to ease his pain; surely it’s his fault. Maybe Ryan was a flawed individual. Its all his fault because he did not do as I said. How dare he fail to cope well when we all did! I have faced every position on the circle of heavell and blamed each position until the mirror grew so big that no matter where I turned my reflection filled my view. It is then that I realized that the snake does not just speak to addicts; encouraging them to bite the apples. He speaks to all of us as we bite the apple of it is your fault not mine. The green truth is that a single person or moment caused all of this. Every single person who has stood on the circle of heavell in an addicts life has played a role in a moment or a quantity of moments; including the non-believers. Judgement/blame is the friend of a lack of accountability and the snake loves it when we choose it. We can’t ask addicts to change when we don’t want to admit that we must also change; do as I say not as I do. Little boxes of feelings are important to every single one of the trees and should matter to the whole forest.
How long was I going to keep Ryan alive on that ventilator? I know in my heart that if he could have spoken that he would have told me to turn it off. Laying in a bed was not living. He had been existing in a physical form but without the emotional definitions that made him who he was. Drugs had tricked us by putting death in that bed. How or what was I supposed to do because the world was still moving for everyone else even though he and I had been frozen in time? Would the loss of my poster child even be noticed? It is often easier to let go when adversity shakes us to the core or when we need to be right.
Tell me about your little boxes of feelings. I am a dream. So are you. Angels are lead to where they fall. Tricks are not just for drugs. The snake wants everyone to bite the apple called “lack of accountability”. Because its your fault not mine. Adversity exposes the truth. The forest is weak. The circle of heavell can destroy or lift up. I am the same and so is the addict. When you breathe, I breathe. Welcome to the valley of the fallen angels. I will be your guide in hell. The mirror sees you.
Every day we choose to act and react based upon our emotional definitions created over our lifetime. We then expect others to behave in ways that fit what we believe is acceptable. We are aware that those behaviors affect us and yet are completely unaware that we also have the same effect. On more than one occasion I have heard stories of and seen first hand, people behaving badly in reaction to others behaving badly. In a hospital setting, people are often agitated. There is fear. Fear translates into anxiety and is often expressed through aggression. It is the fight or flight reaction. Doctors and nurses are tasked with helping people; even with saving them. They are in positions of power and yet they are humans who react with emotions; with judgement and the justification of that judgement. I have seen and been on the receiving end of their reactions. So has my son the addict. I have heard nurses tell patients that they do not respond to, nay treat well, people who are difficult. Do as I say not as I do is the behavior of most, if not all, people; especially adults. We are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people in the world of green truths. Some of us just make it easier for others to appear to be good.
When the opportunity arose to speak to a large group of high school students, I had to spend time thinking about how I would connect with them. We were separated by the fact that I am an adult, a mother, a parent of an addict, a grandmother, a different religion, a different economic background…They would be able to see that our worlds were distinct. They would judge me based on any one of those aspects and not hear me; believing and justifying that I am unable to hear them either. My knowledge of drugs, my pain from them, will not prevent those students nor others from coping through drugs. If it had ever been that easy then Ryan would have done as I had told him to. If it were that simple, addiction would have never been a problem nor would it be an epidemic today. We expect young people to value our knowledge, opinions and feelings; yet we imply theirs don’t matter unless they are the actions and reactions we believe are acceptable. Everyone is responsible for their position on the circle of heavell and no position is more valuable than another. All of us have the ability to value and devalue in a moment or through many moments. We lead people to where they are and then blame them for having failed to cope well. Happy people do not alter their state of being nor do they justify their actions and reactions; but unhappy people do. Addicts and non-addicts are not really that different but addicts’ behaviors make them the obvious problem. The common ground between the high school students and myself is the fact that the snake speaks to all of us. That drugs do not discriminate. That no matter who or what we are, we all fail to cope well. How was I going to show these young people that what really mattered was their emotional definitions? I had failed to do that with my own children by justifying my position on the circle; which was a part of how we came to live in hell.
As I stood waiting for my turn to speak, I noticed the students assessing me. They were a captive audience as they had been required to be there. Some of them may have thought I looked like a nice person. Others probably did not or perhaps they did not care either way. I did see that the majority of them were skeptical about what I would have had to say. It seemed as if they expected me to tell them, even yell at them, about my pain. They seemed to expect me to say “Don’t Do Drugs”. Not once did those words come out of my mouth. Why? Because that would have been me telling them what mattered most; my opinion, my emotional definitions without regards for their own. For some of those kids, drugs had already had a profound effect on their lives via parents, family members or friends that were or are addicts. Some may have already lost someone they care about because of drugs. Some of those kids in that auditorium had been or currently were users of mind altering substances; drugs or alcohol (possibly in secret). There was the potential that a few of them had not been affected at all. I do not live in their normal and they do not live in mine. Telling them how to be would have closed them off and justified their reaction. I chose to show them the similarities, the common ground, that each of us feels about drugs; which placed all of us in the same group whether or not we were parents, students, real life princesses, athletes, angels or addicts. My question for them was: Is using drugs to cope really worth altering who you are? The cost of that is the loss of your personal, emotional definitions; the very definitions that make you who you are. Those students have the ability to save themselves but every position on the circle of heavell has the ability to destroy it or lift it up as well.
In the beginning, I had expected to see a change in Ryan in that ICU room. With each passing day that lack of change had become the normalcy. He was stable but critical. He had laid there with tubes running everywhere and still breathing because of a machine. Even whispering to him that it was alright to let go had not changed anything. He hadn’t. It was as if he was stuck in limbo and so were we. After a week, my employer had requested that I either return to work or resign. Why had it seemed as if the world had stopped moving when it hadn’t? Ryan wasn’t breathing nor was I but somehow life had to move on. I made the choice to return to work. Each night I had slept in Ryan’s room. My father arrived early each day so that I was able to return home. I would change, drop my youngest off at school, stop by the hospital again and then head to work. After work I would stop by the hospital, then go home to spend time with my family and return to spend the night with my son. I was not coping. I was existing. The doctors’ had stated the same thing everyday about Ryan; this was bad. How long was bad going to continue? Why wouldn’t the poster child just let go? I had begun to wonder if I would have to let go of him by turning off that machine.
Mirror, mirror just tell me the truth. Why do dreams turn into nightmares? It’s just too much to ask you to live this way. Tricks are not just for drugs. If everyone is doing their job, angels don’t fall. Little boxes of feelings. The snake speaks. Don’t bite the apples. Denial is my friend. Yours too. Heaven and hell are right here on the circle. We are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people. How do you feel about drugs? Are they worth losing you? Let go poster child. Let go.
When I listen to the words of addicts, I hear very similar things. Words of pain and of not being heard; not from a moment, or a person but from many, many things through out their lives. I perceive the same from non-addicts. We all want to be heard, seen and accepted for who we are. We blame addicts for listening to the snake and for biting the apples. The snake however does not just speak to addicts. We are all listening while using our emotional definitions to justify our actions and reactions. The aspect of being respectful towards others seems to be determined by how we perceive them and ourselves. Addicts have failed to cope and are perceived as less than. The green truth is that they are the failures in society. The real truth is that they are not really that different from non-addicts but their behaviors make them the obvious problem. Over my lifetime I have encountered many people who have lied to me, lied about me and held me accountable for their unhappiness in life. Their choices. Some of these people were close to me and some were brief encounters. Some were addicts but most were not. Most were not. I, myself, have also done some if not all of these things. Every single one of us is responsible for our position in the circle of heavell and how it affects the whole circle. We cannot justify our behaviors based upon others’ behavior. The mirror knows the real truth about everyone; not looking into it does not remove the sins nor the accountability for them.
Respect is not something that only certain people are entitled to. Giving it is a reflection of ourselves not what others have earned. Recently I had the opportunity to buy a meal for a homeless, young addict who is battling mental illness. During our brief time together he must have apologized for his needing food at least twenty times. Each time I responded that he was fine. I had to explain to him that he deserved to be seen and heard just as much as I did. How many people over how many moments have devalued this young man in his life? How many more will do the same thing in the future? His actions and reactions are only one part of those moments that also include the behaviors of everyone else in the circle of heavell. I know how he feels having been on the receiving end of that type of behavior. I left that young man sitting at a table eating his meal and clutching the water bottle I had bought for him. I may have made a difference for a moment in his life but he impacted me in a way he probably does not even realize. As a mother, I have failed to hear my children. I was too busy being right. Too busy justifying my actions. How can we be so willing to defend to the death that we are not wrong? Why do we expect others to be accountable and yet we are not? Not hearing my children had cost me my son and had dramatically affected my daughters’ lives. I can still hear that police officer, from when Ryan was first arrested for drugs, telling me to let Ryan go because that was what he had done. He had let his child go.
The trauma of Ryan over-dosing was different than turning away from an addict child. His body was there in the ICU but he was not there. I had felt as if my choices were gone. Telling him to let go was my way of releasing him from his suffering. Perhaps even mine. I stood there thinking about when he had entered my life. He had been perfect when he was born. I remembered each finger and toe. He had always had a mischievous look in his beautiful blue eyes that had been slightly open as he lay there. He walked at 8 months and had proven to be an athlete in any sport he took an interest in. His heart was kind as he would defend anyone smaller than himself; which was most kids. He had a zest for life. His motto had been “Go big or go home”. He had taken that same attitude to his drug use and now he was going home. It just wasn’t our home. Through that dream that had turned into nightmare, he had always remained my poster child. Other people might not have seen that or felt that way about him but I always would because I knew who he was. His life had unfortunately held so many moments of devaluing that he hadn’t just listened to the snake, he had eaten all the apples. The failure of the forest to value each individual tree is what brings down the whole forest. Happy people don’t alter their state of being but unhappy people do. You just don’t have to be an addict to run from your pain, your sins, your lack of accountability nor to justify your choices.
Angels are led to where they fall. Here a lie, there a lie, everywhere there are lies. To all the non-believers. Why do you justify your behavior? Addicts and non-addicts both listen to the snake. Do you see the sins? All dreams matter. Behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow is why we have failed. You can run but you can’t hide. The green truth is that the poster child is the problem. The real truth is that we are all responsible for the circle of heavell. For our sins. Just ask the mirror. When you breathe, I breathe. It was too much to ask you to live. I am letting go too.
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