On our drive home from the family weekend at the rehab, we had made a stop in a town just across the state line. We had all gotten out to stretch our legs while taking in the scenery. Ryan had walked a short distance away to sit at a table. Within minutes, he was approached by a young man who was looking for drugs. Not directions or money to buy food but simply hellish drugs. I was stunned but I also had the mindset that we just needed to drive off into the sunset. It was the final scene from a very difficult and traumatic period for all of us. Like the end of a movie, we the characters would live happily ever after…even though we would behave today as we did yesterday and as we would tomorrow all the while expecting a different outcome. We had left hell and its messengers behind because drugs had been the problem not us. Bye-bye drugs and your tricky ways.
After our return home, I had slipped back into being what I was comfortable with even though I should not have. I was complacent because I assumed that we and time had created a void that drugs could not infiltrate. That heightened state of agitation was gone and I was relieved. I was still believing that it all came down to a simple choice of choosing not to do drugs. The green truth, however, was that we had returned with the addict child and the poster child was all but dead. He had changed while we were sleeping and we had not changed even though we were now awake. The mirror still tells the truth and I hate it.
My ex-husband had come down to pick up Ryan a week after he had returned from “camp”. He was supposed to take him away for a week of surfing. I was under the impression that my ex was sober because that was what he had told me. That was also what his wife had implied to me. I had expressed, through pleading and threatening, the seriousness of the situation as well as my need for his help. I had expected that my ex would put Ryan above everything else, especially drugs, even though he had never before given me a reason to believe he would be able to this time. Words meant nothing in comparison to actions but I had hoped that he would follow through. If it had been that simple he would have changed long ago. If it had been that simple the poster child would have never entered hell to begin with nor returned there.
When my ex had first arrived, I could tell that something was off about him. He had gone into our guest bathroom and had refused to come out. I was sure he was doing drugs in there. I was completely angry and scared. Complicating an already twisted situation was the fact that my youngest had friends over and of course Ryan was in the house too. How was I going to get all of them away to safety while extricating my ex from the bathroom? Of course I turned to Ashlee. She understood that we had to get Ryan away from their father and from the drugs he had. True to who she was and is, Ashlee stepped up and took over dealing with her father. My husband left with our youngest and her friends. I left with Ryan and took him to meet a sober friend for coffee. Ashlee stayed and called the law enforcement. Why had I chosen to leave with Ryan instead of sending Ashlee away with him?
My ex had been stuffing various items into the toilet in the guest bathroom. I actually had no idea if he had used drugs in there but he was acting delusional. When the officers arrived, they attempted to get him to come out but it was apparent that he was not going to on his own accord. They had to kick in the door and during the struggle that followed, the toilet was also broken. Left scattered on the floor were various pages from magazines, ties, shirts, towels and the remnants of the door and the toilet. Because no drugs were found on or near my ex, the officers made the choice to send him to a psych ward for his safety and ours. There were a few times in the past when their dad had been great but that wasn’t one of them.
I had mistakenly believed that everything would be okay. I had also failed to realize that Ashlee had been left in that deeply disturbing experience to fend for herself. Once again I was so focused on saving Ryan that I had failed to see the damage that had been done to her. Especially my direct role in that. My ex’s behavior had made it easy for me to blame him for all of it through out the years. If he had done the right things then I would not have had to make any of those choices. He may have created that trauma but it was I who left Ashlee behind in the trenches. I had always believed that Ashlee knew she had me and that together we had to cover for the failings of others against Ryan. My actions had certainly not proved that even if I had used those words with her. In the end, Ryan did not escape the trauma either because the knowledge of it stayed firmly implanted in his memory as it did in Ashlee’s. If all of us had done the right thing, the behavior of even just one would have never had the impact that it did.
Angels do fall. The poster child is dead. Nightmares are the reality. A tree can bring down a whole forest. We are behaving today as we did yesterday and as we will tomorrow all the while expecting a different outcome. Drugs don’t listen because they are not the problem. Do as I say not as I do. For our continued sins. Mirror-mirror just shut up…
The time had come to pick up Ryan from what I refer to affectionately as “camp”. I use that word to express my humor about the situation. It is actually my power word. Mine against drugs. Because of his emotional definitions, he thought the use of the word “camp” meant I was embarrassed that he went to rehab. No I wasn’t then nor am I now. It is who we were and are today. We are perfectly, irritatingly messy people in the world of green truths. We make it easy for some people to appear to be good.
From the beginning I have been very vocal about Ryan’s drug use. Why? Because there is relief from fear found with those who are living what we are living. We feel each others pain. In addition, I was trying to warn people about what I saw as a huge problem in the future. Why? Because if my poster child could fall, then any dream could also fall. He wasn’t some spoilt kid having a tantrum in life contrary to what others believed and said. Even today we still encounter people like that. Some people just don’t want an addict to get well because then the truth would shine the light on them.
We had driven to the rehab in another state so that we could enclose Ryan back into the family circle. The vehicle of change included myself, Ashlee and my husband. We had prepared in advance of the trip so that when we arrived, our family time would move quickly through the paces. We would all say our words and then be done with that stint in hell. Our list work had required that we describe behaviors rather than use words of blame or shame. Blaming or shaming immobilizes people which further fuels adversity leading to continued failure.
My heart had been in the right place as a mother but not my words so I focused on choosing my script carefully. After all, it was our word selections that had brought us here. We had not spoken correctly. We had not “talked” him through life correctly. Now that he had had time to clear his head while away at “camp”, he would hear our effective word choices and return home as “our Ryan”. All of our sins would be erased.
I had imagined what our reunion would be like but I couldn’t be sure about it. The last time we had seen each other was when I had had him forcefully taken away. He was very angry then. Frankly he had been that way for some time. A few years earlier his anger had started to affect him on the soccer field. Despite his mad skills as a player, I had to end his participation because he was challenging opposing team members to fight him. I placed him in anger management counseling for a long time in hopes that he would work through what was going on for him. The discovery of his drug use led me to believe that the anger was directly related to the drugs. Today I know it was and it wasn’t.
After we arrived, we had to wait patiently for the counselors to bring the young men in from the field. When the truck unloaded, I thought that Ryan was not in the group. His tall, thin and disheveled appearance was unrecognizable to me at first. While his eyes showed apprehension, his smile told a different story. Any feelings of nervousness that I had went out the window when I saw that long, lost expression. That smile told me that we had done it. We had beaten hell with a swift kick from “camp”. Drugs were indeed dead.
Laughter filled the air as the families came together. There were many hugs and kisses for our returning addicts. Imaginary high fives were floating in the air above us. Everyone introduced themselves. We had been bonded by the destruction of our dreams and unified by the death of drugs. That scene was wonderful and yet also a picture perfect post card for the green truth.
Over the course of the next few days, we slept, ate and worked on ourselves as a group. The families counseled together so that we could learn from each other as well as give support as a whole. Eleven years later, I can still visualize the room where we used our new effective speech. It was dark and stuffy but a ray of sunshine reflected our new found hope.
In that safe place we were all doing and saying the right things. We used positive sentences such as “When you did this I felt this…”. For me, however, the disconnection that had gone on between my brain and my feelings was not going to be repaired in those few days. It wasn’t how I spoke. It wasn’t how I felt. It was not a part of my core. In fact none of us in the family spoke or acted that way. It was as if some how we expected a pass for our sins just because we had not chosen to cope by using drugs. Failure was served equally to all of us but Ryan was the one we wanted to pay for it.
We had made the effort to do this right while in that protected circle at the rehab but we had not developed the skills to change his or our lives permanently. It seems funny now how many times I felt he didn’t really try or was lying when in reality we were virtually all doing and not doing the same thing. We got exactly what we put into it as did he. If the adults couldn’t get it together then how could a victim ever stop being a monster?
Our time in the circle had ended. We packed up our things including all those work sheets. Our words had sounded better but our definitions had not improved. The vehicle of change headed back towards not just our home but our life as we had always lived and breathed it.
Drugs were dead. A soul was free. The mirror still knows the real truth. The snake talks better than we do. Monsters hide in plain sight. Hell wasn’t beaten. It was lying in wait for us. Time was running out on the life of the poster child. We laughed and joked all the way home…
While Ryan was away at treatment, I used the time to clean and organize his room. I was preparing for the return of my poster child. The cleanliness was a visual. A statement from me that all the bad had been removed. As if cleaning walls and new linens could ever hide the victim he was and the monster he had become. As if the sparkling mirror wasn’t going to still show the truth…because the room was new but we were not.
What appears to be the truth is not always the truth. We see what we want to, whether we are awake or sleeping. When I look in the mirror, I see what I have always seen…until I put my glasses on. The same thing happens when we look at others, especially when we are emotionally tied to them or have an agenda. The truth is so real that we have to interpret it and then justify it in order to not suffer the consequences of it. We can run and hide…but it will find us…eventually.
In the past couple of weeks, I have had the opportunity to speak to some people that I refer to as being a part of the group of “Judgers”. These were the kinder ones as opposed to the “Know It All’s”. They have stood on one side…quietly judging. They lived in glass houses while throwing pebbles. While they still haven’t walked the road of addiction with any of their children, they have been placed in the position of fighting for a loved one. When adversity showed up, they looked around and realized they were alone except for the truth. Different story than mine but same lesson.
I know a parent who “relishes” in the fact that his kids are “good” kids. Not being involved with drugs is apparently the defining line for good versus evil or so he has implied to me. My child and I are the failures. I can still see his smile. Ironically I know that one of his kids did in fact get involved with drugs for some time. That child compromised other people during that period as addicts are known to do. This parent was given the facts, also known as the truth, but claimed that the informant was lying. This parent saw what he wanted to see. He can run but…
Another parent I know believes that he has led his children well. He did show up at all those events but he also spent many, many years being unfaithful. He told me, “I can’t help it if she likes me”. His choices took him away from his children as well as his wife. It affected his job because instead of bringing his best to the company, he was busy “being elsewhere” day after day. Even when his child was hurt in an accident and he couldn’t be reached, he continued to see what fit his agenda.
“Don’t lie to me even though I lie to you. Be honorable in life even though I haven’t been. Don’t listen to the snake and bite from the apple even though I have. Always turn to me even though I turned away from you. Be accountable even though I have not been. Do as I say not as I do.”.
Both of these parents completely interpreted the truth and justified it to fit their agendas. They have impossible standards. One is for themselves and the other is for everyone else. Their appearance is “good” but peel back the layers and you will see the real truth. It is never easy to realize the long term effects that our behaviors have on others. Especially our children.
If we lead by blurring the truth in small and major ways, then we cant be surprised when kids do the same thing. On a daily basis there is a host of excuses in our lives. We blame the horrible traffic for our being late even though it was our time management. We speed but then yell at police officers for giving us tickets. We even get out of those tickets because of our job or family member. We buy or get things “under the table” at a price that no one else can even though we know its wrong. We tell our kids to always tell the truth but then they hear us lying to our spouses, our bosses, our friends, and even them.
Although my ex-husband used drugs around our children, his sporadic visits, allowed him to blame me for their traumas. For my son’s drug use. He failed to see his role as a parent, as a person and as a husband. He did not see that his absence was as damaging as the visits that included those traumas. His green truth was that his behaviors, actions and choices did NOT affect our children but mine did.
For many years my green truth was that he was to blame for the fall of Ryan. He was in front of me. He behaved in obviously damaging ways. I could even use those actions as the reason for our divorce. He was my scapegoat so that I did not have to look at myself. I was the victim and he was the monster. Who wouldn’t believe that? Addiction makes non-addicts look good unless you peel the layers back to see the real truth.
I don’t know a single person who is able to or consistently admits his or her role in anything. I know a lot, and I do mean a lot, of people who interpret, justify and blame. The ability to tell the truth and be accountable is NOT tied to gender, race, education, religion, money, position, status, etc. or lack there of. You are not good or bad because of those either. If so many people have and are actually doing their jobs, how is it possible that we are here now? How did we create so many people who have had happy lives and then decided to ‘blow it up”? Oh mirror mirror just tell the real truth.
We can no longer afford to see what we see. By behaving today, as we did yesterday and as we will tomorrow, we are ensuring that the level of victims rises and ultimately the level of monsters. The green truth isn’t just naïve. It is a convenient excuse to justify innocence. It allows us to hold others accountable but not ourselves. It allows us to be hypocrites. It is the definition of insanity.
Once upon a dream, I dreamed of my son growing up and living a good life. Then monsters crept in and his soul was sold. The poster child really was THE poster child. The snake spoke and the apple was eaten. The dream became a nightmare. Judgement showed up to judge us for our sins. Tricks were not just for drugs. Hell became home. The truth was many shades of green. I looked in the mirror and saw a monster looking back. My son would be returning soon. We didn’t have to change because drugs were dead…
The complication of saving an addict is knowing and understanding the factors plus feelings that got him or her to this point. That’s why personal emotional definitions play a key role. Through out all of these years, I have watched and listened to parents, addicts, outsiders, counselors, myself, my children, etc.. The reaction in facial expressions, voice tones, body language, etc. has been different for so many people even though I used the same words with each. How do you feel about drugs? How do you think I feel about drugs? If the reaction is different, depending on who you are and where you are in this game, then how can a “standard” of treatment work? Or even a “standard” of punishment?
We are different people with divergent feelings even in the same family let alone a country or world. It’s not a gender thing. We are individuals who see and feel our world while being affected and influenced by others because of their feelings and behaviors. A multitude of factors, events and traumas come together to create us. We do not see or react to these in the same manner. Not right or wrong. Different. We then link with groups that fit our view or reinforce our feelings. Just because you “survived” something does not mean someone else should, will or can and that really matters.
Have you ever had a discussion about any subject that involves disagreement and been able to resolve it with everyone feeling heard? How about coming to a resolution? Simply we usually stand on one side reacting with “I’m right and you are wrong” or we hide our feelings. We even let others tell us how we feel or have to feel. Isn’t that what drugs do for an addict? Drugs control an addict’s feelings. People do the same thing to each other even in families let alone a country or world.
If you yourself do not feel heard, then it is virtually impossible to hear an opposing view. An opposing interpretation. We do NOT understand ourselves or others. We just think we do. Feelings are not right or wrong (unless they involve any form of abuse). Ever tell someone how you were affected by his or her choice only to hear “well you do this and that”? How about if you are held accountable and or punished because of someone else’s feelings, choices, or lack of accountability? Or lack of emotional intelligence? Can you walk a full circle in order to see yourself and everyone else? How can anything, especially addiction, be solved if we can’t even agree on how we really feel about it?
Ryan’s definition of addiction was completely different than mine. He viewed it as a beautiful high that took away every ounce of pain. The rest of the problems that came with it were “an inconvenience”. My view was separate not just because I am a parent or the ex-wife of an addict. It was and is mine because I do not cope by altering my state of being…at least with illegal substances. That is not to say I have never drank or done drugs. I did when I was young. That would be another reason why I did not understand how Ryan or his dad had failed to “just knock it the bleep off”. I really thought it was that simple. It was not a problem for me but bring together a host of things and you have the perfect storm for addiction. My ex has asked me several times over the years “why I never got addicted and he did?”. My answer was “because I am a control freak”. That was my drug of choice.
“These are my thoughts and feelings as I see them. You do not have to change because of them”. Those were my opening words from a letter written on May 12, 2006 to Ryan. On the surface they are sweet and simple. I learned them at the outpatient rehab we had started with. They were reinforced at this inpatient treatment center also. The words acknowledged my feelings and his feelings. Our choices. There is, however, a lie in those words. “They are my feelings but no, you DO have to change. Now! Today! I get it but I’m not doing this. This being expressing yourself through drugs. I care that you hurt but you do not need to do this. Knock it the bleep off!”
Those words in my head were the hidden truth. By saying “you do not have to change because of them” while feeling differently meant that my actions were not gong to back up my words. Another lie from me. The green truth is I believed I only had to say the right words. Funny how alike Ryan and I really were. Funny how a lot of people talk the words but don’t walk the words. We both were speaking the chosen words and yet neither of us would be able to follow through with the actions. We did not feel those words. Same behaviors from both of us while he was home using and I was trying to stop it as they were now at rehab. I knew he needed to change. He knew I needed to change. If WE did not change together, this was not going to go well. He did not get here alone. We got here.
In an email I received a few weeks later from the coordinator at the rehab he said, “Hello. I just wanted to follow up with an email on our conference call. We processed, today, Ryan’s anger towards his mother and the blame that he places on her.” I had listened intently during that conference call and had acknowledged that I had indeed failed to do somethings in the correct manner. In my head though, I was thinking “Are you bleeping kidding me???? Anger at me??? I’m the parent who showed up at every game. Screamed the loudest to make up for the failure of your other parents. Taught you how to do almost everything! Stood up for you. What about your other parents? Why ANGER towards only me???
My defenses had me standing squarely in the “I’m right and you are wrong” plus the “well you did this!” and “they failed you more!” I was sure that my sins didn’t come close to the sins of the rest of the group. Not even close and yet he was angry at me??? So what, I am solely responsible for his drug use? Not possible because if everyone else is doing the correct job…I am not that powerful to have gotten him here just like I am not powerful enough to get him out all by myself. If only he had done what I said in the manner I said which was the correct way because I SAID!
His anger and mine would be expressed time and time again over the years but never ever was there physical abuse. If you are afraid of your addict, kick them out! No exceptions. That was and is worry free for me to say because I have never been frightened of Ryan despite his size and anger. Mistakes are made in life by everyone but abuse can not be tolerated. The same goes for an addict. If you are being abused by anyone, get out! You do not deserve that in life regardless of your mistakes. Again that is easy for me to say…living it however is not that simple.
Would it surprise anyone to know that Ashlee actually felt a similar way about me as Ryan did? She and I certainly had our conflicts. The problem was I didn’t understand or really know what was happening until they were older. I saw a video where a father said “when my kid is at his worst, he needs me to be at my best regardless of the people around me”. I failed to be at my best because of myself and the people around me. That is all on me but they paid the price for it.
When you are busy picking up the pieces, it is hard to notice anything other than what is in front of you which is the addict. If you stop and breathe, you will see lies here and there and everywhere by everyone. Addiction sheds light where there is darkness if you look beyond the easy target.
The truth is green, dreams become nightmares, souls are sold, everyone listens to the snake and bites the apple, we all live in heavell and victims can and do become…MONSTERS!
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